Strategies of Defense

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."


I recognize that most everyone who has been, teased, hazed, publicly embarrassed, or in some other way broken down has had reason to develop a strategy of protection for future attacks. We each write our own chapter of defensive maneuvers. And although these strategies might differ greatly, one from another, they always share one thing in common. They are top secret.


Who am I? ...and What is "cool"?    Whatever it is, it has been the center and primary cause of my personal transformation. that which has been carried on to what I am today   Yet "cool" is also the cause of everything I have lost of what I was before. US magazine and Seventeen might think that a plus for my personality, but the upkeep of coolness has left me void of the real me. This is much more than identity issues or premid-life crisis. The pursuit after cliche' greatness was put into action by yours truly as a defense. [Without putting my life now up to a microscope for everyone to point out all my "uncool" ways, let me just say, that is missing the point.]   I changed who I was to fit in with the masses (one or another). The old me cowered under ridicule and persecution so much that a new me had to be made. The inevitable question is, would I have put so much effort into following fads if I had never been tease?

Loneliness is what I felt when I was alone. When I was around others, I was too self aware of every action and interaction to pay much attention to how I felt about my life. Not a detail would go undocumented inside my head. If I felt in a potential threatening situation,( i.e. being around people that could seriously tear me down) even something as simple as how I crossed my legs would be carefully considered. Every word, every tone, inflection, and body language was imprinted inside my memory to soon after recall and replay under high self scrutiny later on. Sometimes, I might congratulate myself on a job well done, other times...not so much. I was always on the lookout for new and better tactics. I would find those sometimes in movies, in music lyrics, from others conservations, and sometimes just watching people in a crowded area like a restaurant or mall would give me improvised ideas. But the loneliness was always there, waiting to remind me that I was fake.

After years of progression away from the original Kayt, the process of faking it, didn't take so much thought. This was the me that I created. The me that hate had made. I still clung onto God. He was the only one that knew from where I came. I think that was what really kept us close. A seemingly silent and faceless figure was the only one that knew my secrets. He offered me His always listening ear, and the closest thing to cure my pain in the down times; times when all I would want to pray for was for someone who understood. I longed for someone to know me. I hoped and prayed for that even long after I even acknowledged to myself that I was indeed faking. I had become unaware of all the acting that I was doing on a daily basis, but still aware of the feeling it left behind.

I think I would have put up a moat around myself, if I thought it would've kept the monsters out. Unfortunately, the monsters lived mostly in my memories and through those same voices replaying inside my head. I was like Scooby and Shaggy piling everything in front of the door that the monster had come through before, thinking I had him all locked out. Then I turn around and see that the monster was the one helping me and now I'm trapped inside because of the barricade that I have made to keep him out.

My relationships have suffered over this. Including friendships, potential friendships, extended family relationships, and of course the relationship that I have with my spouse.  In fact, Drew and I had a conversation about my "coolness" the other day. You see, when Drew and I met, I had him fooled. There was not much effort put to it, or even aimed in his direction, because it was just habit by then. He later told me just how intimidating I was to him, appearing to have it all together. As we got closer the walls started to come down a bit, especially after I confessed my attraction to women to him and details about my past. But it wasn't till our conversation recently that I realized, I'm still putting on that face for him and when I do, I start to believe in that tough and confidently cool girl that I portray. I start to believe that she is me, the real me. ....And that I'm better than him.

It's not me. It becomes me. Sometimes that's okay, but what is my motivation?

I started out running away from dresses; loving dirt and the outdoors. Others did not approve of my hair style, my walk, my clothes, and the activities I enjoyed so I sought after someone more feminine than me. And behind my eyes, I pretended to be her. "Her" was not any one person but a compilation of many. I got into character for the role that I needed to play. Rosa was my inspiration to improve my character to someone who would attract men. She was flirtatious, but still innocent and smart. She would dumb herself down just for those occasions to get a boy to like her. The clothes were easier to change than the walk. With the walk, I really had to practice. One foot in front of the other like on a tight rope, but with sass and confidence, never ever look down. At a time in my life when I should have been modeling myself after Christ, I was putting all my energy into my cover-up. 

I know it's not just me. Many others practice their faces in the mirror before heading out to work, church, or school. We took the imagination that used to take us to far off places as children, and created a more acceptable and less afraid adult. Many of us don't even recognize our created characters anymore. We have done it for so long, that we don't know what is happening to us when the real begins to show through. It's shocking and frightening, like we are losing control. And we must always be in control.
What would happen if we let it show?

Janet is going through a divorce. She has two kids; one from a previous marriage gone wrong. And Janet is worried about letting people in on her crumbling marriage. She thinks people gossip about her husband and family already and of course that bothers her. She was the one who left this time, and he acts like he wants her back. But her mind is made up. She's done. Although when they go to public events they are together. In church they sit together. They shake hands together. He leads her into the room with his hand on the small of her back. I see this happening and I think, "That's great! I'm glad that they are working things out.", but they're not. Janet tells me that it's just an act, because she doesn't want to make a scene/scandal for people to talk about. And I can't believe what I'm hearing from her. She is hanging out with this guy pretending like everything is wonderful, when in reality she can't stand him anymore. She is willing to sacrifice so much just to save herself from possible ridicule. So she pretends in front of her friends.
Her friends.....

What if the monsters are just in our heads?
I mean, if we are all pulling the same tricks for each other, what would happen if someone had the courage to finally unwrap their mask? Would we have the courage to follow them? 
Or would we stand and point?


"If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of, then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall. And I am not immune, I only want to be loved, but I feel safe behind the firewall. Could I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth, I need to confess. I'm not alright."
-Sanctus Real

be patient

I have been working on a new post, but it's not quite ready yet.  I have been incredibly busy and when I have any free time, all I want to do is relax or go to bed.

But here's a hint about the next post:

Imagine...
Everything you appear to be is everything you're not. 

Believe...
There is more to life than just to make it through another day without being hurt again.

Follow...
In the footsteps back to your youth.  Things were not always this scary.  The monsters are real, but are not chasing you anymore. 

It's time...
For demolition.

Your time...
And mine, to finally be understood.