The age of sulking is over. I'm done.
Say goodbye to the depression and feelings of hopelessness. I will not put myself in a box and label it "Creep". I am not that. I will not shy away from or slouch from my current position, just because it makes others uncomfortable. I am physically and emotionally attracted to females sometimes and that doesn't make me anything more than just another human. I am not a sinner when I get aroused by a beautiful woman. I will not flaunt it like some heterosexual women do, (married or not) posting pictures with a sexy guy and his shirt off and cat calling about it (Come on, ladies, you know you do). But I refuse to live confined to the shadows for fear that my "brothers and sisters in Christ" might find me disgusting or a predator of some kind. This kind of life...This kind of sulking has lead me to seek out non-Christian approval and friendships. Approval from the opposition. Friendships that are not bad in themselves, but paired with my already lonely heart, their council is going to pull me further out to sea; when obviously I am starting to drift already. I think this is one of the many reasons why others who have fought this temptation have failed, because (Damn it!) God's church has made them feel like an outsider, or (at best) a very good liar.
I will no longer apologize for my feelings. I feel them; they are real to me and there is no guarantee that they will cease. I am not gay. I am not a lesbian or bisexual. Those are labels for other people to use if they choose. And if they choose to use them on me, then that's their choice, not mine. This is not pride. This is courage. This is the truth. I will not sulk anymore for things that I cannot change.
Very refreshing to read an honest look at oneself. No excuses, no justifications. Obviously soul searching and life experiences have lead you to this conclusion.
ReplyDeleteWelcome home.
I think that sometimes religion exists to make us feel bad about ourselves, when God's truth couldn't be further from this. I think you're wonderful just as you are. Live in the light and love yourself as you are. I'm here anytime you need to talk.
ReplyDeleteLove ya, friend. While my struggle is not the same as yours, it is a sexual addiction, and it is tough at times. There’s lots of shame and opinions given by people who think they are helping. Stay focused on God while striving to be the best Laura you can be until you go to sleep tonight. Screw tomorrow and having to be good for always. Today is all that we can aim for at times. Being a good parent, a good spouse, a good employee... all those can be overwhelming and so big that they actually stop us moving forward. You just got to make it until you go to sleep. Just for today, be the best you can.
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