I AM the greatest

I expect so much from myself, yet I trust myself with so little.


Getting down to it, I always thought that if God says "Jump!" Your response should be "How high?" if not just to jump immediately. And if you think yourself unable to perform said action, for example (given the analogy) you are a cripple, your response should be the same. BECAUSE He's God! Who can argue with Him? ......Who am I to argue with Him?

Arguing with God... that reminds me of many "greats" written about in the Bible.

There was Jonah, probably the most common arguer remembered. He argued because he believed that God WOULD do the unthinkable or impossible, and he didn't want that to happen. God had to send a large mouth to talk some better sense to him. And even though Jonah eventually obeyed God's command, his heart never seemed to change.

I think most people forget that Moses argued with God. Before he became known for the Ten Commandments and the Twelve Plagues, Moses was a fugitive and a runaway. When God approached him about the mission "Save Israel", Moses had already made a life for himself and was happy and content to live out his days in it. He understood who God was and his position that he deserved, at His feet. He didn't understand why God would ask him to leave where he was at peace, to go and start a war with Egypt. More specifically, Moses argued that you got the wrong guy, God. Saying, "Surely YOU can do better than me!" So God said "Fine! Would it make you feel better, if I gave you an assistant?".
God wasn't budging from his plan to send Moses or Jonah, and he found the right ways to make them understand that.

The last character that comes to mind is Peter. Simon Peter had the balls to argue with God right to His face. Jesus gave Peter his horoscope and Peter said, "No way! I would never. You're wrong God!" To put it simply, Peter argued whether God really knew him better than he knew himself. In the end, fear and/or embarrassment won out over what Pete knew was right. The power of a moment and the loss of logical thought processes that goes with, was proven true right there with him. God knew he would fail, and told him so. Peter believed himself to be better than that though, even though that required him to debate with what he believed was the son of God. 

These are the "greats" folks. Yet here I sit, expecting more from myself than them.
It seems that my greatest argument is denial.


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I would like to do a follow up post on this. Please keep checking back for that!

Gay/Bi/Lesbian or Straight - I was born this way

I handed my MP3 player off to my husband, and forgot that he had it when I drove away. So I was, in turn, "forced" to listen to the Top 40 over the radio on the way home. This song by Lady Gaga was number 15 this week.
Your thoughts?

Celebrating A full year of honesty

As of last month, it has been a year since my first blog entry.  A full year of telling honest details about my past and present, many of which I have never spoken to anyone else before.  And so I thought it was only right and fair that I let you know a little more truth about how I can write all this and also the difficulties that it presents. 

The pro:  I have gained confidence in myself by releasing the fear that kept me captive for so long.
        I started out alone with the feeling that I was doomed to forever be that way.  Me with my secrets that I would try to force out of my life only for them to reappear again and again; making my new life seem like just another lie.  I thought if people only knew the truth about me, they would hate me.  There might be rope involved even.  Unrealistic, maybe, but that was my fear.  I was taught to look at homosexuals etc like they were sick in the head, and damned for what they were and what they did.  As Christians we say, "to love the sinner and hate the sin", but many times while we are "hating the sin", the sin is all we ever see.  I hated me; because I thought that was what a Christian would do.  But with this blog and sharing with others (including other Christians) I have found that it is love and not hate that was on the other side.  Sure, people have advice and want to help, but the looks I get are not disgust.  The hugs I get are not given a second thought of hesitation.  There are no pitch forks or angry mobs coming after me, and knowing that brings relief.  I am thankful to God and to my readers for being adult about all of this.  I am most thankful that they are more grown up than me.  But I'm getting there....


The con:  I am not objective to my own life.
         With everything that I talk about or write about myself, even in past events, I write from my point of view.  But my point of view is tainted, limited.  As I move further away from where I was to where I am, some things get clearer and I start to make connections.   Yet there is always me and my perception that gets in the way.  This makes writing and truthfulness exceptionally hard.  I am trying to self analyze my situation, and come out of it with some logical solutions.   That's impossible!   I try to explain my thoughts and feeling about things, things- I still don't understand.  I pick my motivations/actions apart looking for answers, knowing that I will eventually (possibly even the next week) come back to what I just wrote and disagree with my conclusions.  In short, the biggest con is confusion.  
The only clarity that I have ever found in this life can be summed up in one word, "Christ".    When I choose Him over me, if I think more about Him and less about me, I find that open sky. 

I don't mean to preach.  This "blog" (I hate that word btw) was always meant to be a safe place for anyone/everyone to share their thoughts and beliefs.  I'd like to think that it's still that safe place.  And this my belief.   
I can't wait to hear yours.