Friday, September 21, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
The Rumor Weed
A friend referred to me as a lesbian today and told me that I have no business being near or working closely with young girls. Well folks, the moment that we've all been waiting for has arrived. Go get your large forks and your flames. They are coming to take me down.
This past Sunday morning I was introduced to a new chapter of my testimony - opposition / ridicule / fear. Those of you that have been long time readers on here (or tried to keep up) can generally figure me out well enough to see that I don't refer to myself as a "lesbian" or gay, queer or any other label associated. In my eyes, there is only one label that I take pride in - "Christian". It's nonsensical that I would be the object of aggression from my very own church family. And up till this point I have actually learned to relax and trust other people (Christians) with the delicate subject of my life. Many have welcomed me with open arms and few to none with closed fists. Till now... And now, I'm one friend less.
Admittedly when I started this post, I had it in mind to "spill the beans" and to gather my readers in a rally to stand against these ridiculous lies!!! -to make me feel better (there is a safety in numbers.) But when I finally sat down to gather my thoughts, I had this burn in my chest that told me, "Don't do this."
Even though I use false names on here, the people involved know that I am talking about them, behind their back. (Oh yeah! Now you can see the hypocrisy.) Even though I am miffed about the whole ordeal, what right do I have to go and do the same? Several people directly tied to the gossip have already done their part to apologize -only one saying it to my face, but who's counting?
There's little reason to hold onto it and string it out further just so I can be angry. Eventually even righteous anger loses it's rightness.
The friend that started the rumor has yet to give up her pride and admit her unfaithfulness. But beyond her lack of remorse, it bothers me that just now I am seeing her true opinion of me. She thinks that I am a lesbian, and even worse than that she thinks that I could be something more...a pedophile. That's a little more than I am willing to overlook in a friendship. I trusted her (more than I should of) and she in turn, ripped my heart out and stomped on it. That's hard to forgive.
It wasn't that long ago, that I had done something similar to a long time friend of mine. Willow and I had kept in touch since college. She traveled many miles to come to be a part of my wedding (newborn baby in tow), so it was an easy choice to make the trip across the upper mid-west when it was her time to get hitched. She wouldn't believe it if I told her, but Willow has been a tremendous blessing to my life. Isn't it funny, how we take things for granted, right to the point where they are ready to wave goodbye forever? But I'm not laughing. I almost lost Willow's friendship and I did lose her trust all because I wanted a moment of someones attention.
Willow had in trusted me with many of her secrets over the years and so when she was feeling stressed in the days leading up to her wedding, she wasn't hesitant to vent her feelings to me. In her frustration she confessed feelings of anger toward one of her friends, and told me that she couldn't even figure why she had allowed her as part of the wedding party. Obviously, I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice and blab about the details on here. To say it in short, I leaked those details to her friend.
It happened sometime later over the web, and I knew what my motivations were...and they were NOT "holy". When it got back to Willow that I had "talked", I immediately knew what I was up against. A broken trust is no different than a broken heart, neither of them heal well and both take a lot of time. I was embarrassed to do so, but I told Willow the awful truth about why I had spoke to her friend about it. I told her all the gruesome details that sparked my betrayal, but none of that mattered to her. She seemed numb and let down instead of angry. Willow spoke not only of her misuse of trust in me , but in everyone that she had ever known. She made our dilemma sound like it was just another notch on her "this world sucks" pole. Which would make you think that I was off the hook since not just me but the WHOLE world has let her down. I did not take it that way, and I certainly did not want this to be the end of our friendship. I needed her in my life too bad for that to happen, but I didn't realize that until now. Although our correspondence was mostly through instant messages and email, if she could have seen me I would have been on my hands and knees, begging for her forgiveness. I knew that in this moment I may only have this one shot at convincing her that I'm sorry and pray that she does not let what we were just fade to black. A year or more has passed since then (they go by way too quickly to keep track), and we still talk from time to time, but I know that it might never be the same. I let myself get in the way of good judgement, and although I can commend myself for taking immediate action with an honest apology, our relationship still bares the consequence. So in conclusion I wish to leave you with this thought: When it comes to gossip, rumors, or breaking confidence; the mouth is not the enemy. The problem is in the heart.
This past Sunday morning I was introduced to a new chapter of my testimony - opposition / ridicule / fear. Those of you that have been long time readers on here (or tried to keep up) can generally figure me out well enough to see that I don't refer to myself as a "lesbian" or gay, queer or any other label associated. In my eyes, there is only one label that I take pride in - "Christian". It's nonsensical that I would be the object of aggression from my very own church family. And up till this point I have actually learned to relax and trust other people (Christians) with the delicate subject of my life. Many have welcomed me with open arms and few to none with closed fists. Till now... And now, I'm one friend less.
[It all started with a question. That's what she said. And then he was listening in as they talked. He couldn't believe his ears and went to a friend for a second opinion... An email was sent to a few someones who never knew. Then phone calls were made to make sure it wasn't a fake... The walls came down and the weeds began to grow. The lies were planted between half truths and Satan was laughing as my previous feeling of protection was on its way to unglued. She said I wrote a love letter, he said I was living another life, they said I might be dangerous, but that my husband thought it was alright. None had all the answers, but that didn't slow them down, from speaking about it more to more people who it didn't concern. All of them wondering what should be done without asking the only one who could give them answers...me.]I know this is vague and slightly weird to read, but that's just how silly a rumor can be.
Admittedly when I started this post, I had it in mind to "spill the beans" and to gather my readers in a rally to stand against these ridiculous lies!!! -to make me feel better (there is a safety in numbers.) But when I finally sat down to gather my thoughts, I had this burn in my chest that told me, "Don't do this."
Even though I use false names on here, the people involved know that I am talking about them, behind their back. (Oh yeah! Now you can see the hypocrisy.) Even though I am miffed about the whole ordeal, what right do I have to go and do the same? Several people directly tied to the gossip have already done their part to apologize -only one saying it to my face, but who's counting?
There's little reason to hold onto it and string it out further just so I can be angry. Eventually even righteous anger loses it's rightness.
The friend that started the rumor has yet to give up her pride and admit her unfaithfulness. But beyond her lack of remorse, it bothers me that just now I am seeing her true opinion of me. She thinks that I am a lesbian, and even worse than that she thinks that I could be something more...a pedophile. That's a little more than I am willing to overlook in a friendship. I trusted her (more than I should of) and she in turn, ripped my heart out and stomped on it. That's hard to forgive.
It wasn't that long ago, that I had done something similar to a long time friend of mine. Willow and I had kept in touch since college. She traveled many miles to come to be a part of my wedding (newborn baby in tow), so it was an easy choice to make the trip across the upper mid-west when it was her time to get hitched. She wouldn't believe it if I told her, but Willow has been a tremendous blessing to my life. Isn't it funny, how we take things for granted, right to the point where they are ready to wave goodbye forever? But I'm not laughing. I almost lost Willow's friendship and I did lose her trust all because I wanted a moment of someones attention.
Willow had in trusted me with many of her secrets over the years and so when she was feeling stressed in the days leading up to her wedding, she wasn't hesitant to vent her feelings to me. In her frustration she confessed feelings of anger toward one of her friends, and told me that she couldn't even figure why she had allowed her as part of the wedding party. Obviously, I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice and blab about the details on here. To say it in short, I leaked those details to her friend.
It happened sometime later over the web, and I knew what my motivations were...and they were NOT "holy". When it got back to Willow that I had "talked", I immediately knew what I was up against. A broken trust is no different than a broken heart, neither of them heal well and both take a lot of time. I was embarrassed to do so, but I told Willow the awful truth about why I had spoke to her friend about it. I told her all the gruesome details that sparked my betrayal, but none of that mattered to her. She seemed numb and let down instead of angry. Willow spoke not only of her misuse of trust in me , but in everyone that she had ever known. She made our dilemma sound like it was just another notch on her "this world sucks" pole. Which would make you think that I was off the hook since not just me but the WHOLE world has let her down. I did not take it that way, and I certainly did not want this to be the end of our friendship. I needed her in my life too bad for that to happen, but I didn't realize that until now. Although our correspondence was mostly through instant messages and email, if she could have seen me I would have been on my hands and knees, begging for her forgiveness. I knew that in this moment I may only have this one shot at convincing her that I'm sorry and pray that she does not let what we were just fade to black. A year or more has passed since then (they go by way too quickly to keep track), and we still talk from time to time, but I know that it might never be the same. I let myself get in the way of good judgement, and although I can commend myself for taking immediate action with an honest apology, our relationship still bares the consequence. So in conclusion I wish to leave you with this thought: When it comes to gossip, rumors, or breaking confidence; the mouth is not the enemy. The problem is in the heart.
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