Attention Facebook: I am leaving the women's group (of a place that will remain unnamed), because
1) I know bunkus about "Bunco"
And
2) I have a fear of intimacy with other women.
Recently, I was invited to a Women's Retreat that our congregation is promoting. Last year, I didn't go because of the cost of the trip. But after being comfronted about the possibility of going to this years, I remembered that money was never the real issue; Fear was.
What am I scared of?
When it comes to emotions like fear or surprise, you feel it first and experience the sensation in your body before you understand what it is that made you feel that way. This is no different. I wasn't sure why I was so hesitant, but then every time the cost would be mentioned for the trip, I would automatically tense up. Ir's because, I knew that the conference alone was not costing nearly a hundred dollars. The women speakers would only charge close to half that. The gas and hotel stay would take up the rest. And suddenly there it was again - the fear inside me. I was scared of staying in the hotel room with the other women.
When I realized the source of my reluctance to go, it didn't make very much sense to me. I've been to countless sleep overs and slumber parties...all-nighters, you name it! And I remember feeling cautious about myself, because I had been labeled certain ways before, but I'd never felt this terrified.
I don't want any of you to misunderstand me. I'm not saying that I'm scared of feeling tempted to have dirty or lustful thoughts. That is always a concern for me in my present mental and emotional state, but that is not what scares me. Even after coming all this way: from believing I was born to be a man; to embracing motherhood with the ability to be a good wife, knowing that God has fashioned me in that way. I still feel like an outsider when I'm in close-quarters with other ladies my age and older. And there is nothing more intimate in our daily schedules than to sleep within the same room with one another.
I don't have an answer to this one....
I'm open to hear YOUR thoughts on how to better understand this.
It sounds to me like insecurity and there isn't a quick fix for insecurity. Its a long process. Pushing through it may or may not be a part of it. That's something you'll have to ask God. I don't have any grand answers, and I'm not going to attempt to fix you. All I can say is that I love ya and you're often in my prayers. We're two people who are embracing our broken-ness. For that alone I think we're doing pretty good.
ReplyDeleteI think insecurity also, but also I think you fear something's that won't happen. It's obvious u crave female relationships (friendships) but fear other things. Embrace the fact that a retreat can help fill you with God and community not cause you to feel a certain way or have ill thoughts.
ReplyDelete~ Thank you for your transparency ...
ReplyDelete