Hello, I know that you tried to contact me - thanks for that. I've been in kind of a bad place lately. I'm married and have always been involved with the church, and so I am selective with whom I talk to about my feelings and problems that I face. A support team is important to me because I have seen how secrets have kept me scared and in the dark within my past. Recently, those that I would call upon when I needed some encouragement have been preoccupied, living their own life, to continue to help me with mine. I understand why they need to focus on their families and themselves, but I am concerned ... Where do I go now?
It's not that I'm a needy person, but that I am worried that without support being there, I will forget the "why" I needed them in the first place. I'm beginning to understand why people seek out paid professionals for help. I, however, do not have a surplus of money to put towards this. With the state that my relationship is in with my spouse at the present time, it wouldn't feel right to use his earnings on myself like that anyway. Any suggestions?
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
status update
I apologize if you have been checking on here and noticed that I haven't written anything new in two weeks. Spending time alone and reflecting can stir up some dust sometimes, and I can see that metaphorically, my life seems rather dirty right now.
One of my goals in writing this blog is to be completely honest and open to myself and others about my thoughts, feelings, and events that take place.
I don't feel as if I can do that in the place I'm in right now. Give me some time, I'm sure that I will come around to talking about all my "secrets" again. Thanks for your patience.
One of my goals in writing this blog is to be completely honest and open to myself and others about my thoughts, feelings, and events that take place.
I don't feel as if I can do that in the place I'm in right now. Give me some time, I'm sure that I will come around to talking about all my "secrets" again. Thanks for your patience.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Reflection: "alone time"
Garrett was in my dream last night. I finally confessed to him, after all these years of keeping it secret, that I had a crush on him in Jr High and High School. ("Crush" seems like such a small word, because to me with all the memories of my feelings for him, it felt more like love.)
I told him that I knew I was kind of a dork then, but now... He took it really well, but also a little matter-of-fact. Whether it made a difference to his perspective or not, it felt good to just get it off my chest and out into the open. When I awoke, that good feeling crossed over too. Even if it wasn't the real thing, I got what I needed out of it. I let go of my secret.
"A pool of water won't reflect unless it's absolutely still." -Unknown
Dreams are sometimes reflections of ourselves. When we dream, we reflect upon our day, our week, our life. Anything from insignificant details like how we floss our teeth or what we wore to bed, to grander thoughts like meeting the love our life or the fear we have about losing a family member; these images and/or ideas that plague our mind will go on to create elaborate stories within our subconscious.
Lately, I've been watching a show consumed with dreams and the possibilities that entail through their interpretation. "Medium" is a TV series in which the title alone will raise the red flag with some people, but I find it to be entertaining. Beyond the main character's obvious psychic ability to connect with the dead or those in trouble, her powers are most seen while asleep in the bedroom. She foretells the future with her dreams, or sees the past in her nightmares. But what I really find fascinating in all of this, is that just like anyone else's dream, what she witnesses while she's asleep is not always reliable for finding meaning. They may still contain a reflection of herself entangled within. Her humanity gets in the way of seeing the truth.
Even though, I'm not a psychic or a prophetess with an ability to dream the future, I still wake up from a dream or nightmare that makes me spend some of my day gnawing over events after I wake. I wonder..."What does this dream say about me?"
"Reflection" is a mirroring of oneself, or a situation.
It's good to spend time in "reflection". Some people call it meditation, others might call it quiet time. I like to call it my "alone time". No matter what word you use, this time set aside for self-examination to gather your thoughts together -to reflect upon your life or day thus far, is as necessary as the air you breath in maintaining a healthy mind and a focused life.
It's important to me that I spend time asking all the deep hard questions, such as: "Why do I do the things I do?" or "Why do I believe that way about that?" Or sometimes just trying to figure out what is going on inside me that made me react with such strong emotions to a certain situation (i.e. a fight with my husband, a phone call with my mom or dad, or a friend who doesn't see things the same as me.)
I understand that just like looking for a deeper meaning in a dream where many times there is none, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar in life as well. Sometimes bad grades in school are just from poor study habits. Sometimes a fight between a couple is just a childish power play or raising a fist in the name of "fairness". But sometimes...many times, there is another reason hiding somewhere between the ordinary and the simple explanations.
We hide the darkness that we fear lives inside. We hide it not because we're worried about the after life, but because showing it (it= failures, faults, temptations, fears, dreams, and doubts) might ostracize us from friends, family, and the society circle that we live in. We even hide it from ourselves, believing that our acknowledgement of "it" would make it more real. And ignoring it might make it go away. We worry that our humanity might get in the way.
A time of personal reflection is good, but keep in mind that the mirror image of oneself is not a clear one until we reach out for a second opinion.
------------------------
Next post will be a continuation of this one.
Your comments will help. Thanks!
I told him that I knew I was kind of a dork then, but now... He took it really well, but also a little matter-of-fact. Whether it made a difference to his perspective or not, it felt good to just get it off my chest and out into the open. When I awoke, that good feeling crossed over too. Even if it wasn't the real thing, I got what I needed out of it. I let go of my secret.
"A pool of water won't reflect unless it's absolutely still." -Unknown
Dreams are sometimes reflections of ourselves. When we dream, we reflect upon our day, our week, our life. Anything from insignificant details like how we floss our teeth or what we wore to bed, to grander thoughts like meeting the love our life or the fear we have about losing a family member; these images and/or ideas that plague our mind will go on to create elaborate stories within our subconscious.
Lately, I've been watching a show consumed with dreams and the possibilities that entail through their interpretation. "Medium" is a TV series in which the title alone will raise the red flag with some people, but I find it to be entertaining. Beyond the main character's obvious psychic ability to connect with the dead or those in trouble, her powers are most seen while asleep in the bedroom. She foretells the future with her dreams, or sees the past in her nightmares. But what I really find fascinating in all of this, is that just like anyone else's dream, what she witnesses while she's asleep is not always reliable for finding meaning. They may still contain a reflection of herself entangled within. Her humanity gets in the way of seeing the truth.
Even though, I'm not a psychic or a prophetess with an ability to dream the future, I still wake up from a dream or nightmare that makes me spend some of my day gnawing over events after I wake. I wonder..."What does this dream say about me?"
"Reflection" is a mirroring of oneself, or a situation.
It's good to spend time in "reflection". Some people call it meditation, others might call it quiet time. I like to call it my "alone time". No matter what word you use, this time set aside for self-examination to gather your thoughts together -to reflect upon your life or day thus far, is as necessary as the air you breath in maintaining a healthy mind and a focused life.
It's important to me that I spend time asking all the deep hard questions, such as: "Why do I do the things I do?" or "Why do I believe that way about that?" Or sometimes just trying to figure out what is going on inside me that made me react with such strong emotions to a certain situation (i.e. a fight with my husband, a phone call with my mom or dad, or a friend who doesn't see things the same as me.)
I understand that just like looking for a deeper meaning in a dream where many times there is none, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar in life as well. Sometimes bad grades in school are just from poor study habits. Sometimes a fight between a couple is just a childish power play or raising a fist in the name of "fairness". But sometimes...many times, there is another reason hiding somewhere between the ordinary and the simple explanations.
We hide the darkness that we fear lives inside. We hide it not because we're worried about the after life, but because showing it (it= failures, faults, temptations, fears, dreams, and doubts) might ostracize us from friends, family, and the society circle that we live in. We even hide it from ourselves, believing that our acknowledgement of "it" would make it more real. And ignoring it might make it go away. We worry that our humanity might get in the way.
A time of personal reflection is good, but keep in mind that the mirror image of oneself is not a clear one until we reach out for a second opinion.
------------------------
Next post will be a continuation of this one.
Your comments will help. Thanks!
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