I know that each person is unique and "special" in their own way, but that doesn't satisfy my desire to excel; the desire to strive for God's special attention.
I think we all have this competitive nature in us; some more extreme than others. You could say to be human is to compete. The desire towards being the best is lived out in many forms in our life: work, school, the entertainment industry, family, our hobbies, sports (of course), and even in the ability to manage our fiances - how much we have determines our status to the rest of the world.
"I want Him to notice me." I sound like Zacchaeus...(was a wee little man). I sound foolish, selfish even. When I studied the book of Hebrews in college I was mesmerized by chapter 11, which was referred to as "The Hall of Faith". I knew that all people mentioned there were sinners just like me, but something was different about their life. God had taken special notice and had their lives (mistakes and all) recorded. As futile as it sounds, I found myself jealous of David. The man who was said to have favor with the Lord, a man after God's own heart. And I didn't want to be like Christ, I wanted to be like David because I wanted God to pay special attention to me.
Job had special attention.... Ok, let's skip him.
I don't know if it's right or wrong. But I just feel so lost in the crowd when it comes to God and me.
Everyone keeps saying, "Let God's love be enough." How do I do that? When all I can think of is I'm just another Jane in this world. Just another sheep that the shepherd loves. (This is why polygamy doesn't work, fellas.) We all want to feel special to someone. I want to feel special to God.
It wasn't always this way. I used to believe. I was so certain that God had a specific special purpose for my life to further His kingdom. Someone somewhere down the line woke me up from that dream, and I just want to get it back again. How do you become naive after you're not? It makes having "faith like a child" seem like an impossibility. We are told as children that we need to "grow up!", so that's what we do. It's hard to imagine that we had a better chance at understanding the nature of God and His relationship to the universe at the age where we still wet the bed at night.
In the upper room there was a discussion between Jesus and His disciples. As if Jesus didn't have enough on His plate, but His friends decided to bicker over who was His "BFF".
"Jesus said to them, 'The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves. You are those who have stood by me in my trials. And I confer on you a kingdom, just as my Father conferred one on me, so that you may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom and sit on thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.'" (Luke 22:25-30)I like to serve others. I get a personal joy from doing little and big jobs for people. I believe that I would go to the ugliest smelliest most uncomfortable place imaginable for God, if He wanted me to. The hardest thing for me to do is to live a life of mediocrity. The proverbial question: "What if God asks you to live well and serve just where you are?" No more, no less... Would I feel special to Him through the everyday American middle class routine, serving just where I am?
All I know is I want God to fill in this hole in my heart with a purpose bigger than myself, bigger than the pain and all the lies left behind. If it is wrong to look for it anywhere else, I need that kind of attention from Him.
