This is a question that was posted in a forum I was reading. Although not all of the details of her situation are the same; I really connected with the relationship that she describes with her fiance.
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"I'm a 27f and my fiance is 24. We've been together for almost 6 years this May. Sex has been great in the past, not as much as I would like it but acceptable I guess. For the past few months he hasn't tried anything at all and blames me most of the time. He says you fell asleep or it didn't seem like you wanted it. Well I can't be staying up till 3am waiting for him to try something. And when I try he says he's too tired, happens almost everytime. I got all dressed up in lingerie the other nite lookin my best. He complimented on how sexy and beautiful I looked but again he went to sleep. To me he didn't show interest like he used too. We have been through a lot though. But I feel that should not have anything to do with sex. I don' think its a sexual issue though. I feel even when we hang out at home that things aren't the same. All he does is watch tv while I stay at the computer. I stay at the computer because I don't feel wanted by him. I think he thinks I don't want him either. Its just gotten really boring. He said that to me the other day. He said that when people have been together for as long as we have that its normal for things to get boring. I don't think he meant it to hurt me because I somewhat agree but I can't help to think if he was meaning something by saying that. It hurt. I'm not a boring girl. I like to go out and I like getting dressed up for him. I love sex all the time if I could get it. I know when I leave he puts on a movie and gets off without me. Thats really messed up though. I've had to do it without him because i'm not getting any which sucks sometimes. I'm bi and this girl is trying to meet up with me. I'm more temepted than ever. He knows i'm bi. He doesn't know i'm talking to this girl though. I want to tell him but I don't know if I should because that can open a can of worms about our relationship. He might wonder why i'm trying to meet another girl. Then he'll pull a guilt trip on me or something. What do you all think? Do I have the right to wanna hook up with this girl? Does my fiance still want me sexually? I'm so confused and need advice."
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Luckily, the last part of her post is not a problem for me. But I'm sure that if I was ever put into a place where I would be tempted by a relationship with a woman, I might feel just as confused about it. (Sorry, if the sound of that makes some of you go "WHAT??!" or think poorly of me....I'm just being honest.)
I posted this because I wanted to hear some feedback about what you might say in response to this woman's confusion.
Her relationship isn't the problem...at least not entirely. Sex isn't the problem. Her attractions aren't the problem. Those are all fruits of a rotten root. Her problem is that she finds her value in what others think of her. Her boyfriend...or fiance...whatever. Then this other girl. She's finding meaning (or what some people call happiness) in what others think of her. That's classic codependancy. My advice would be to find her value intrinsically. No relationship can give that to you!
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