Love or lust?
How can we tell?
Which do we want the most?
As difficult as the first question is for many of us to decipher, the third one will continue to taunt us until we change our mind about the first. Confused?
Yep, so was I .
Unlike most women, I hate shopping. I despise the changing rooms, scanning the price tags, and remembering which groceries to get. On the other hand, online shopping is amazing! I can shop from any store compare items read reviews and find the right sizes without having to redress a dozen times in the store. I've learned, over years of bad experience, the best purchase is an educated one.
Determining which is better, love or lust (and which is which) is no different than shopping. It can either be a painful process of trial and error OR it can be a learning experience when we are able to gather the wisdom that others have accumulated from their good and bad choices, much like a " review".
Now, of course, we can gather "reviews" about this subject from just about anywhere. But if you say that you put your faith in God, then the best place would be the Bible. Either way, it's best to find a source that you can trust wholeheartedly, so you don't end up writing a negative review of your own.
Now is the time for me to come clean before all my readers about a few things. I know that with everything that I've written so far that statement might sound a little ridiculous, but some of the best liars will tell you, the best way to cover up for something you did is to confess to something else. This is not a cover up...
About a month ago I was reading from my new Bible app (just to try it out and play around with the different versions offered) when I decided to try out "The Message" version. I had heard other people quote from it and use it in their studies, but I had yet to crack it myself. I finally put it to what I considered "the real test", when I turned to read from Romans. The book Romans (specifically the first chapter) has held the key to my life and my choices ever since college. I found that The Message's interpretation of it was not that astounding, but that led me to read on instead of stop. And in Romans 2:1-13 it says this:
1 Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors.2 But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.3 You didn't think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard?4 Or did you think that because he's such a nice God, he'd let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.5 You're not getting by with anything. Every refusal and avoidance of God adds fuel to the fire. The day is coming when it's going to blaze hot and high, God's fiery and righteous judgment.6 Make no mistake: In the end you get what's coming to you -7 Real Life for those who work on God's side,8 but to those who insist on getting their own way and take the path of least resistance, Fire!9 If you go against the grain, you get splinters, regardless of which neighborhood you're from, what your parents taught you, what schools you attended.10 But if you embrace the way God does things, there are wonderful payoffs, again without regard to where you are from or how you were brought up.11 Being a Jew won't give you an automatic stamp of approval. God pays no attention to what others say (or what you think) about you. He makes up his own mind.12 If you sin without knowing what you're doing, God takes that into account. But if you sin knowing full well what you're doing, that's a different story entirely.13 Merely hearing God's law is a waste of your time if you don't do what he commands. Doing, not hearing, is what makes the difference with God.
I know that I'm forgiven by both God and my husband. I know that I could just sweep by this little detail and not write about it on here. But then I would be the very kind of leader, mentor, hypocritical Christian that I despise. And knowing that it's now time that I just come out and say just what I'm thinking, I feel sick to my stomach - a feeling that I didn't get when I spoke with Drew or God about this.
Within the past year 2011, I started frequenting the bar scene, and not just any bar either, a "gay friendly" bar not too far from where I live.
Sometimes people say that they wanted to make their own mistakes, that they want to learn the hard way. What I hear though is, "Stop telling me what to do, because I want to do it - right or wrong, I don't care." I know that's really what they mean, because I hear that same thought pass through my head when I want to do something that I know is probably a mistake.
So why do we do that?
Why would I say that to myself?
I obviously know that what I'm doing is potentially the wrong or immoral choice to make, but that doesn't stop me from pursuing it. In fact, that knowledge makes me push even harder and faster to get my way. It becomes an accelerated decline down a very steep hill and I just throw my hands up and yell "Weee!". Am I really just that stupid? Do I not realize that at the end of this "ride" I'm on is an abrupt stop?
Here's my review of the "ride" down.
I had a plan. I had purpose. I felt that I had moved on and was ready to share my experiences with the world, so that they could learn from my failures and wisdom gained. But while still examining my scars and exchanging battle stories, I seemed to have lost the memory of the pain that came with them.
I hope that this story is over now that I can "put the past behind me" and move forward, but in all honesty - if my past has taught me anything, it's taught me that I can't trust myself.
I never hooked up with a woman or even met anyone there that really sparked my interest, but I was looking. I kept coming back to that same bar. Over and over again I'd see that there's nothing there for me. Sure, I would end up in a game of darts or a conversation with the bartender, but most nights, from the minute I stepped through the doorway, I knew I had made a mistake. It's was boring, and I wasted money just by coming in.
I was there looking for excitement, maybe looking for "an experience". I don't know, I was frightened about finally having one that maybe I was there to challenge my fears. It was all so pointless and stupid, but I just wouldn't stop coming back - like I had no place else to go.
Later, I would justify that I'm not really looking for a woman, I'm looking for a place to hang out, and this is one of the few bars I can go to where I will not get hit on by men. Then I met a man. He said his name was Harrison and that he works in construction, but apparently construction means weekend male stripper at a gay bar, because where I found him.
I knew that the bar did those kind of shows occasionally, but I never attended. The night that I met Harrison, I came in later after "the show" was over (clothing was on). When I walked in, I could tell he was part of the entertainment by the way all the guys were surrounding him. I proceeded to advert my eyes away from all of this because it bothered me (treating people like meat) and plus I wasn't there to find a man. The next part of the story gets a little fuzzy, possibly because of the alcohol involved, or maybe because my guilt has blocked it out. I think when most people come to this part, the common thing to say is, "And one thing led to another...yada, yada, yada...and we kissed.
He wanted me to wait for him to get done with his shift. I did, for awhile, but then I left. I left because I wasn't sure what I waiting for. I mean, I'm not stupid, I knew why he wanted me to wait - He wanted to take me home with him. I'd like to say that I chose to leave because it was the right thing to do, and I wanted to do the "right thing" for once that night. But I left for a different reason. I left because I didn't care. I didn't care about him, or about the kiss that we shared. It literally was just a physical reaction.
That night, I spent the whole puzzled by this. I enjoyed the kiss, it was nice and exciting, but to attach that feeling to a real human being seemed impossible this time. It was like I had been looking at pornography and imagined it all and now, I was feeling kind of stupid and pathetic for my actions and so just closed off the site then shut down the computer.
Somehow that's all that Harrison was to me, and it bothered me that I didn't feel more guilty for it.
I knew that it was time to reach out to another person for help.
------Half time-------
I think it's best that I keep writing but go ahead and post this first part, because the more I wait (and the more I write) the more reluctant I become to let it go.
My apologies for typos or poor grammar, I really didn't want to spend anymore time proof reading. This post has taking a lot of pride out of me.
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Keep it Real. But keep it Respectful.