My Better Half

Shock and Awe
   -If you want people to pay attention, you have to be willing to pay the price.  Just look at Lady Gaga or Katy Perry. Something tells me they don't dress the same when they're lounging in their living room. Many people are certainly not what they seem, and as paranoid as that sounds it's true. We are more than meets the eye. Don't judge a book by its cover...and all those other tired cliches.

As you may have noticed, I have not written anything on here in months.  Not since the "rumor" (which was never really much of a bushfire to put out), nevertheless it made me go "huh?".  Am I really as bad as I make myself sound?
Ok, I get it, sin is sin.  Are my thoughts running away from me to another life with someone other than my husband sinful? - Yes.  Was my moment of ecstasy (I say that sarcastically)  in the arms of a male entertainer a big "Whoops!" -Definitely.   And it was always my worst fear that Christian parents would shield their children from me if they ever new my inner "gay" struggles, but I never fathomed that it would be because of a sexual issue (i.e. pedophile).  Wow!  You can believe that took me back a few steps.  I needed to seriously reevaluate how I presented myself.

In my effort to relate to my fellow Christian college alumni who have chosen the "alternative lifestyle", I wanted to show all my darkness.  I wanted it to be widely known just to what extremes that I was willing to go to save my friends from possibly the biggest mistake of their life.  (Feel free to quote me on that.)   It was my hope that they would read these posts and see how close my life seems to theirs.  We could journey to find the answers together...Answer the unrelenting question, "Why are some people gay?" or more personally, "Why do I feel this way?" 

My favorite Christian author, Philip Yancey, uses this method when he writes.  He asks the hard questions that many of us self conscious people would never say aloud.  Questions like: Why would a loving God allow my child to die?  Or -Where is God when life sucks (my paraphrase)?
It is possible that he already has the answers to these tough questions before he sits down to write, but I like to think that he started out like the reader, asking.

When I sat down to form this blog, I had an idea to write about my life.  I would talk about everything I went through as a kid and progress till the way my life is now; showing along the way how God was there all along and I just needed to be real with Him and believe.  I thought I could change lives by letting them hear and relate to my own.  After all that is what a testimony is for. 
But as I sat down to type it all out, I realized that the questions were still there.  I had never found my answers to them in college.  I just stopped asking. 
My resolve was in the scriptures that I researched.  They never answered the "Why?" I couldn't love another woman like that, or  why I felt that I had been born different from other girls.  But I remembered the story of Job and all it's "Why?"s left unanswered.  Like why would God have such a casual meeting with the devil (I always imagined that they were having their discussion over tea and cookies - I guess I thought he was British or something) or How could God just kill off all of Job's children over some silly bet?  Where is their redeemer?  How did they get mixed up in this? Could we all just be some sort of collateral damage to someonelse's test of faith?  It sounds like the unsatisfying punchline of an extremely morbid joke. (...Did you hear the one about Job?)    But in the end, what does God say to Job?  He says,  (Who are you to question me?  I am the Creator of all things, just as I have the right to give, I have the right to take away.  I am in control of this - not you).  What God actually says is a series of questions for Job to answer, starting in Job 38. (Google it)   Job's response is almost speechlessness. 

"Then Job replied to the Lord:


2 “I know that you can do all things;

no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’

Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,

things too wonderful for me to know."  -NIV

My mom used to tell me, "Love it, or leave it."  Basically, she was telling me not to complain about it.  There was no point to it.  It's not like my protests would change anything.  I believe that is where Job's resolve was found.  God is God, and I am not.  I have to trust Him, what other option do I have?  -Love Him or Leave Him.  In college, those were my options.  I had to trust Him at his word, even though that meant that some of my questions would go unanswered.  He created the world.  He created me. He loved me even before I loved Him, and He's telling me, don't do this.  My choice is simple: either I trust Him with my life or I don't.
This blog pushed the tough subjects for me.  I wanted to ignore this part of my life, just leave it behind forever and not look back.  But something was bringing me back.  And after becoming reunited with some old friends, the "Why?" behind my struggles was coming into light. 

Lately I've been thinking I went too far.  I think cleaning out my closet was all for a good purpose, but to quote one of my close friends that confided in, "Oh Kayt, you are too hard on yourself."  I think she's right.
I have been honest about all the bad, but I leave out all the good in me.  That has always been a struggle for me, as I'm sure many of you can relate.
In my effort to remain humble, I think myself horrible.

(Stay tuned for Part 2)