A Family Topic

After taking a poll of what kind of topics my readers would like for me to talk about, I realize that the most popular question is about my family- my current family.  Although many of them wrote back to me wanting to hear about cutesy-wootsy things that my kids are doing (this ain't that kind of blog, folks) I realized that they do, in fact, bring up a very good topic: What goes on behind the closed doors of my house?
There is all the things that you don't see on that drive right before we open up those doors to the church or school or the grocery store. We all know that we hide the "ugly" family interactions from the rest of our world, but my question is, "What makes us care more about outsiders than we care about each other?  And why is there so much "ugly" to hide?"  After all, these are the people that we claim to love the most.

It is still easy for me to recall those moments of shame and heartache that went on within what used to be, my immediate family. We prayed together.  We read the Bible together, every evening before bed.  And we treated each other worse than we had treated anyone else EVER.  But it's easy for me to discard those memories as dysfunctional and not the normal behavior of a rational family because we had some other issues that were deemed unacceptable by even The Law's standards.  So now what do I say about this new family that I've helped create?  Why is it that I can honestly attest that I have never been as hateful and angry with another human being (not even my own father who was so hateful to me) as I have been with my very own husband - my soul mate, my best friend?

Am I damaged?  Am I just another statistic doomed to repeat the hurt to someone close the way my family hurt me?   Or am I just married to the wrong person?  Should I just keep looking for that someone who makes me feel happy and loved all the time?   I don't think so.
Don't get me wrong, I am aware of that possibility but I think that this is more common than just repetition of generations.  And happiness is fleeting just like every other emotion.  Even anger cannot last forever.

I've heard it said that if two best friends spend the entire weekend together, they will hate each other by the time it is over.  It is possible that when we spend enough time with another human being we our bound to slip up and show off our ugly side.
Still I can't get over this nagging feeling that if we care so much and if we are aware of what is at stake (our relationship/ their feeling of self worth/ and Love being lived out and felt from both sides)   we would not treat each other so carelessly.
We would care for our new car or our expensive furniture.  Heck, sometimes we baby "our babies" (meaning, our hobbies) more than we baby our own kids.  So should I sum up the answer to this question by simply saying, "We are all selfish."?    Well that is certainly a true statement and something to consider, but how do I apply that to people that we claim to love more than stuff?
As you can tell, I am asking a lot of questions and finding very little in the answer category. I believe we need more than an answer.  We need a solution. 

Take my typical morning routine for example:
I wake up.  I try to get my kids to wake up.  I try to do this without raising my voice, because I know how yelling can quickly escalate into a bad mood.  I prepare their clothes and get their breakfast ready.  I tell them to get dressed while I am finishing up my own routine.  And because they are forgetful and stubborn at ages 6 and 8, I must remind them of every detail of what "getting dressed" means.  I say, "Put your socks on, your shirt on, your pants, and don't forget to change your underwear"  every morning.
After breakfast is over, I tell them to quickly go brush their teeth and comb their hair.  I also prepare my son's lunch while they our doing what they should in the bathroom.  Then, if everything else goes according to my "brilliant" morning plan, we have just enough time for me to call to them (in a pleasant voice) to come get their coats and shoes on and to head out the door.  Everyone smiling as we drive away....
But no.  A lot of the times, that end result does not happen.  Why?  Because someone threw a monkey wrench in my routine and now I am off track and running late.  This is the unknown variable, which could range from:  my son or daughter playing with their toys instead of getting breakfast;  or maybe it's a fight about which shoes my daughter should wear to school that day; or it could be a sock is missing "suddenly" from the pair of socks that  I just handed over to my son.  Or maybe it's something that I'm not involved in at all, but it's something that I get pulled into; a fight in the bathroom broke out over the toothpaste or if we happen to make it all the way to the driveway without a fight, there's probably something that was left behind my car that I am about to back over that my children were told previously to put away.
Now, do I have an anger problem because I get upset about these things?
No.  Well okay, maybe I could work on controlling what happens next a little better, and that, in fact,  is where the problem lies.
 If these were someone else's kids, and I was going through the same exact hectic morning routine with them, then why would I not raise my voice to the "outsiders" like I do to my own kids. - Kids, whom I,  in all honesty, would rush over to save first if there was an emergency?  This is my problem, and I don't understand it.  If our morning goes awful and I send my child to school with tear streaked cheeks, than I am suffering the rest of the day with that guilt -sometimes longer.  When my family is involved, I am literally capable of the most love and equally the greatest hate, in word and deed.  I can become a real monster, and I know it, but I don't always know what I can do to stop it. 


(This will be a two parter.  Check back later for me to wrap it up. )

Disclaimer:  I do not abuse my children.  This is not a confession of any
 unlawful wrongdoing.