Curly Blond but the roots are brown

I was always the pretender but never the person.

Even when I sang, I would try to sing in the exact same manner and voice of the original artist. I remember that being a little weird to people. Especially when I would sing out Amazing Grace as some kind of negro spiritual.

My favorite artist as a young'n was Amy Grant. I could imitate her voice, her inflections, and after I studied her autograph awhile, I could forge for her too.

(That's a little creepy, I know)

That what I was/am (take your pic) an imitator. A chameleon of my choice. When it came time finally to be Kayt Masterson (wife, mother, lover, or even daughter)...I never knew just who that was, or what she would look like.

If it wasn't someone in Hollywood playing the big screen then it was someone close to me. But never too close because I thought they were too cool for me.

Hannah W. was everything I wanted to be. She wore the striped leggings and retro skirts with complimentary ratty band t-shirts (many of whom I still have yet to see in concert~jealousy looming). Her cherry on top was her outrageously curly blond hair. She usually styled it in cute little puff ball pig tails off to the side of her head. Everything she did or said she did it with flare. She was not a super model eye-candy centerfold, but her personality and individuality made her more than "they" could ever be.

She was amazing...just thinking about her and her persona...I'm still in awe.

No no. I know what you're probably thinking and no.

I did not have a crush on her. I just wanted to be like her.

I'm sure we all do this to some extent. Otherwise there would not be a hit show entitled "American Idol". The idea of worshipping another person by imitation is not a new one. However, when you lose who you are because you are always trying to be someone else.. You have a problem.
That's me.


I never wore crazy colored tights. I didn't want to be that obvious, but I did start wearing funky skirts and t-shirts together with converse shoes. I wanted to be admired for my weirdness as Hannah was. I wanted to be content with me like she was.

I bring this subject up only because recently I was talking to my husband about how I was thinking of choosing this new persona (from a movie we watched together) to model after.
I realized that I had never talked to anyone (including him) about that part of me. Probably because it's a bit embarrassing to say that I constantly try to morph into someone else.
I get so intense into the transformation that not only do I study everything I can get my creepy little hands on concerning said person, but I also begin to view myself as them. As if I am looking out at my world from behind their eyes.
If I could harness this ability with some confidence I might actually make a pretty good actress.

Just for the heck of honesty I will list off a few "characters" that I have chosen in the past to mimic.
Amy Grant
Ally McBeal (Calista Flockhart)
Elizabeth Shue (Karate Kid and The Saint)
Jodie Foster (various movie roles)
Kate Winslet (Eternal Sunshine and Titanic)
Julia Roberts (Runaway Bride)

Surprisingly (I guess) men are in this list too...
Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack from Saved by the bell)
Richard Gere (First Knight)
Brad Pitt (The Mexican and Spy Game)
Val Kilmer (Top Gun)
and the guy that played Karate Kid that we never saw in any movies ever again. I think his name was Ralph.

And the actress that I was speaking to my husband about is Zooey Deschanel (Yes Man).

Switchfoot: This is Home - Music Video from Prince Caspian

Here's the video from youtube.
(Refer to previous post)

Songs and The Singer

I've got my memories
Always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

Chorus:
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back

Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home

I heard this song on my MP3 player coming home today. I've heard it over a dozen times before. Isn't it funny how something that you've read or heard and understood the meaning of can suddenly come forward to your mind to be greater and more astounding than it ever was before? (That's a long question.)

In my last post, I aired the fact that I still struggle with my fantasy life. Basically, just keeping my thoughts from wandering away to another place can be very difficult for me. That does make me sound ADD, doesn't it?



I am different. The change in me happened without my notice. Suddenly it didn't take so much effort to believe that I was a REAL woman and nothing else. I'd say that by the time I was engaged, I was a believer.

As for my thoughts, identifying the enemy was a great help. Mostly, separating me from what I now called sin allowed me to survive the blame battle that went on inside my head. I was not the problem! What a revelation that really was....and still is.

Back to the song....
I wish you could hear it. You should check it out on youtube. It's called
"This is Home" by Switchfoot.
Like I said, at first I was like "eh" but today it was a blow to the chest.

I wish I could easily explain to you where I am right now. Where my heart has been and where I've been lacking. I think the word "lacking" is pretty accurate. There have been many days when I would slow down and get a moment to reflect, only to realize what a sad sack I really am. It's ironic, I suppose, that when I was living in "sin" the most and didn't even blink over it was when my relationship with Christ was at it's fullest.
I have not been at my fullest.

Realizing that didn't help make it better, but served as an excuse to not care if it got worse. Understand that I am speaking in terms of the heart, and although feelings and beliefs are intangible, given time they will make themselves seen.
But that's now. Let's back up for a moment.

I started talking to other Christians about my struggles just this past year. I was feeling like a fraud, a fake. And I started thinking (even though I wasn't even tempted to think about these things and I had come so far) if these ladies who I sat with every other Tuesday morning at MOPs (Mothers Of Preschoolers) knew who I was, who I used to be, they would not want me there.

I was overwhelmed with guilt and fear.

I had sort of been "lead" into becoming a part of a prayer group that conveniently met on mornings when I was already there in the building because of my son's preschool classes. The woman who organized the group's activities every week immediately stuck out as Christ incarnate to me. If you had been there you would agree. And to me, at the moment, she might as well have been.

One day after the group had been dismissed I lingered around waiting to ...I didn't really know actually. But that fear and uncertainty had been bothering me. I had been married for 6 almost 7 years and had two children with not any desire to talk to anyone about this EVER, but today...it was like I was holding my breath and I needed someone to tell me how to breath again.

I was reaching out. For what? For Help?

I don't really know what I was looking for then. Maybe I was just after a way to feel better. I needed a release from the anxiety that had begun to take a physical toll in my neck and shoulders.

Presently, seeing how I have "back slided" in a most unexpected way, when I do open up I know what it is.
A cry for help.

Sometimes you help yourself by helping others.

Sometimes you go through a slump and you need someone to remind you that it won't last forever.

Most of the time it helps to just talk things out ~even on a google blog.

Each day is something different (even if just a little).

Today God reminded me of what's most important to me through a song.

Tomorrow...

who knows.

Keep your eyes open.