Songs and The Singer

I've got my memories
Always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

Chorus:
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back

Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home

I heard this song on my MP3 player coming home today. I've heard it over a dozen times before. Isn't it funny how something that you've read or heard and understood the meaning of can suddenly come forward to your mind to be greater and more astounding than it ever was before? (That's a long question.)

In my last post, I aired the fact that I still struggle with my fantasy life. Basically, just keeping my thoughts from wandering away to another place can be very difficult for me. That does make me sound ADD, doesn't it?



I am different. The change in me happened without my notice. Suddenly it didn't take so much effort to believe that I was a REAL woman and nothing else. I'd say that by the time I was engaged, I was a believer.

As for my thoughts, identifying the enemy was a great help. Mostly, separating me from what I now called sin allowed me to survive the blame battle that went on inside my head. I was not the problem! What a revelation that really was....and still is.

Back to the song....
I wish you could hear it. You should check it out on youtube. It's called
"This is Home" by Switchfoot.
Like I said, at first I was like "eh" but today it was a blow to the chest.

I wish I could easily explain to you where I am right now. Where my heart has been and where I've been lacking. I think the word "lacking" is pretty accurate. There have been many days when I would slow down and get a moment to reflect, only to realize what a sad sack I really am. It's ironic, I suppose, that when I was living in "sin" the most and didn't even blink over it was when my relationship with Christ was at it's fullest.
I have not been at my fullest.

Realizing that didn't help make it better, but served as an excuse to not care if it got worse. Understand that I am speaking in terms of the heart, and although feelings and beliefs are intangible, given time they will make themselves seen.
But that's now. Let's back up for a moment.

I started talking to other Christians about my struggles just this past year. I was feeling like a fraud, a fake. And I started thinking (even though I wasn't even tempted to think about these things and I had come so far) if these ladies who I sat with every other Tuesday morning at MOPs (Mothers Of Preschoolers) knew who I was, who I used to be, they would not want me there.

I was overwhelmed with guilt and fear.

I had sort of been "lead" into becoming a part of a prayer group that conveniently met on mornings when I was already there in the building because of my son's preschool classes. The woman who organized the group's activities every week immediately stuck out as Christ incarnate to me. If you had been there you would agree. And to me, at the moment, she might as well have been.

One day after the group had been dismissed I lingered around waiting to ...I didn't really know actually. But that fear and uncertainty had been bothering me. I had been married for 6 almost 7 years and had two children with not any desire to talk to anyone about this EVER, but today...it was like I was holding my breath and I needed someone to tell me how to breath again.

I was reaching out. For what? For Help?

I don't really know what I was looking for then. Maybe I was just after a way to feel better. I needed a release from the anxiety that had begun to take a physical toll in my neck and shoulders.

Presently, seeing how I have "back slided" in a most unexpected way, when I do open up I know what it is.
A cry for help.

Sometimes you help yourself by helping others.

Sometimes you go through a slump and you need someone to remind you that it won't last forever.

Most of the time it helps to just talk things out ~even on a google blog.

Each day is something different (even if just a little).

Today God reminded me of what's most important to me through a song.

Tomorrow...

who knows.

Keep your eyes open.