Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Haunted by Good Feelings
I really hate myself sometimes.
It's guilt, yes, that makes me feel that way, but there's something more that leaves me helpless and trapped: My smile. After I have "repented" (momentarily) and realized my fault in the delusions with other women that I sought to carry out a a fling with, I still carry the shame of enjoying the memory of it.
I like the fantasy, otherwise why would I create it? But it's not the fantasy that I am talking about. I liked the women that I fantasized about. I liked the feeling that they gave me while they were around. I liked how good it felt when they gave me their attention. It was powerful. It was memorable. And the memory of it still feels good.
I know I should feel rotten because of that... and I do.
My husband and I were swapping stories around the dinner table when I recalled one relating to a friend of mine. Greta was the newbie at youth group when I decided to sit down next to her to make her feel welcomed. She was a 7th grader while I was a year ahead of her. I'm not sure why it meant so much to her that I was older, but it did and soon after she invited me to her birthday party. I hardly knew her, but I was not going to say no and make her feel inferior with me or with the youth group. Her parents were well off and had rented a couple of rooms at a four star hotel for an all girl slumber party. It was me, Greta, and about 8 other 7th graders - all of them overly giddy to have an 8th grader in their midst. I thought to myself, they really don't know me very well. But all the attention started to give me a big head after awhile. Especially any attention that I received from Greta's cousin.
Melissa caught my eye immediately. Everything she did, her walk, her words, her voice, made me smile. I worked really hard not to show just how crazy she made me feel while I was at the party. The night consisted of meeting at Greta's house, going out to eat, swimming in the hotel pool, and watching a pay-per-view inside our room. I remember that Melissa took a shower that night after the swim and then another again in the morning. Twice I saw her wearing a towel two and from...I was in awe of her beauty. She was a goddess to me. I wanted to talk to her more, but I had no words to say. It was easier to sit and just admire. It's because of this memory that Greta and I were never that close as friends. I was invited over a couple more times after the party, but all I could think of was her cousin. I would even ask about her inconspicuously, to see how she was doing. I explained to Drew that even now, I can't think of Greta or her parents without thinking about that party with Melissa there. And I smile at the thought of it. I know I should feel guilt and shame over it. But I don't. I still like the memory...I feel the same about it. What I regret is that I let something so small distract me from having a quality friendship with Greta.
She became collateral damage from my selfish attraction.
Many advocates for gays have stood up against the notion that anything should be able to "fix" them. They say that they are not sick, that there is no disease making them this way. I agree. It's not a disease. And no one can undo what has been done... We all have to just keep moving forward. But I stand before you now saying that I do wish to be "fixed".... most days. Some days I like being attracted to women. I like being different. "Normal" people seem boring and two-dimensional. But when those days pass to the next, normal is everything that I hope for. Sanity is what I pray for.
I am tormented by feelings that I know I should not indulge in and enjoy. How do I tell myself to not enjoy what is enjoyable?
A few months ago, I called up a friend from church and asked her if she could meet me to talk. I was feeling rotten and sharing these thoughts with other people has been my cry for help lately. Unprepared with any words to say, I told her that I just wanted to spend time with a friend. She was not satisfied with that response, and persisted to pry out what was bothering me. Feeling guilty, for calling her out there as if I was wasting her time and invading her space, I tried to explain what was going on. I hated myself. I saw my beautiful kids and loving husband and I felt so undeserving of them. I knew I had done things wrong. My thoughts were deceitful and my actions had been (in the past) following that same path. I wanted to beg someone to institutionalize me, just so my family might be spared from my insanity. My friend must have misunderstood, because she began to bombard me with advice and "what you need to do''s.
She told me that I should find a church that has more elderly people so I would not feel tempted as often. I shook my head at the notion that running away from it as if that would solve anything. Her advice just reaffirmed my feelings of failure. She tried to relate from a heterosexual level with my situation. She reminded me of my obligation to my children and spouse. My friend tried to assure me that everyone struggles with physical temptation to look at other people that are not your partner. "You just have to go somewhere else and look away." "Do it for your kids, just think of their sweet little faces and what that would do to them." By the time she was done encouraging me, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die from remorse.
What my friend failed to realize (besides the obvious misunderstanding of my emotional state) was that I am attracted to a gender of people, not just one person. I'm not trying to say that all women make me blush. I do have a man, whom I love, and I have a family that I love. But I just desire something more. That something is an experience with a woman. Although, not just any woman, I would still have to avoid an entire gender to be sure I was ridding myself of that temptation. Avoiding a gender that is your own... now that's what I call an impossibility.
I know, I'm a mess. I'm a wreck waiting to happen, and any other cliche that fits.
This is what it's like to be haunted by good feelings.
It's guilt, yes, that makes me feel that way, but there's something more that leaves me helpless and trapped: My smile. After I have "repented" (momentarily) and realized my fault in the delusions with other women that I sought to carry out a a fling with, I still carry the shame of enjoying the memory of it.
I like the fantasy, otherwise why would I create it? But it's not the fantasy that I am talking about. I liked the women that I fantasized about. I liked the feeling that they gave me while they were around. I liked how good it felt when they gave me their attention. It was powerful. It was memorable. And the memory of it still feels good.
I know I should feel rotten because of that... and I do.
My husband and I were swapping stories around the dinner table when I recalled one relating to a friend of mine. Greta was the newbie at youth group when I decided to sit down next to her to make her feel welcomed. She was a 7th grader while I was a year ahead of her. I'm not sure why it meant so much to her that I was older, but it did and soon after she invited me to her birthday party. I hardly knew her, but I was not going to say no and make her feel inferior with me or with the youth group. Her parents were well off and had rented a couple of rooms at a four star hotel for an all girl slumber party. It was me, Greta, and about 8 other 7th graders - all of them overly giddy to have an 8th grader in their midst. I thought to myself, they really don't know me very well. But all the attention started to give me a big head after awhile. Especially any attention that I received from Greta's cousin.
Melissa caught my eye immediately. Everything she did, her walk, her words, her voice, made me smile. I worked really hard not to show just how crazy she made me feel while I was at the party. The night consisted of meeting at Greta's house, going out to eat, swimming in the hotel pool, and watching a pay-per-view inside our room. I remember that Melissa took a shower that night after the swim and then another again in the morning. Twice I saw her wearing a towel two and from...I was in awe of her beauty. She was a goddess to me. I wanted to talk to her more, but I had no words to say. It was easier to sit and just admire. It's because of this memory that Greta and I were never that close as friends. I was invited over a couple more times after the party, but all I could think of was her cousin. I would even ask about her inconspicuously, to see how she was doing. I explained to Drew that even now, I can't think of Greta or her parents without thinking about that party with Melissa there. And I smile at the thought of it. I know I should feel guilt and shame over it. But I don't. I still like the memory...I feel the same about it. What I regret is that I let something so small distract me from having a quality friendship with Greta.
She became collateral damage from my selfish attraction.
Many advocates for gays have stood up against the notion that anything should be able to "fix" them. They say that they are not sick, that there is no disease making them this way. I agree. It's not a disease. And no one can undo what has been done... We all have to just keep moving forward. But I stand before you now saying that I do wish to be "fixed".... most days. Some days I like being attracted to women. I like being different. "Normal" people seem boring and two-dimensional. But when those days pass to the next, normal is everything that I hope for. Sanity is what I pray for.
I am tormented by feelings that I know I should not indulge in and enjoy. How do I tell myself to not enjoy what is enjoyable?
A few months ago, I called up a friend from church and asked her if she could meet me to talk. I was feeling rotten and sharing these thoughts with other people has been my cry for help lately. Unprepared with any words to say, I told her that I just wanted to spend time with a friend. She was not satisfied with that response, and persisted to pry out what was bothering me. Feeling guilty, for calling her out there as if I was wasting her time and invading her space, I tried to explain what was going on. I hated myself. I saw my beautiful kids and loving husband and I felt so undeserving of them. I knew I had done things wrong. My thoughts were deceitful and my actions had been (in the past) following that same path. I wanted to beg someone to institutionalize me, just so my family might be spared from my insanity. My friend must have misunderstood, because she began to bombard me with advice and "what you need to do''s.
She told me that I should find a church that has more elderly people so I would not feel tempted as often. I shook my head at the notion that running away from it as if that would solve anything. Her advice just reaffirmed my feelings of failure. She tried to relate from a heterosexual level with my situation. She reminded me of my obligation to my children and spouse. My friend tried to assure me that everyone struggles with physical temptation to look at other people that are not your partner. "You just have to go somewhere else and look away." "Do it for your kids, just think of their sweet little faces and what that would do to them." By the time she was done encouraging me, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die from remorse.
What my friend failed to realize (besides the obvious misunderstanding of my emotional state) was that I am attracted to a gender of people, not just one person. I'm not trying to say that all women make me blush. I do have a man, whom I love, and I have a family that I love. But I just desire something more. That something is an experience with a woman. Although, not just any woman, I would still have to avoid an entire gender to be sure I was ridding myself of that temptation. Avoiding a gender that is your own... now that's what I call an impossibility.
I know, I'm a mess. I'm a wreck waiting to happen, and any other cliche that fits.
This is what it's like to be haunted by good feelings.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Created Unworthy
Manless I am nothing.
What purpose could I serve to God as an unmarried woman?
I'm not sure how to tackle this subject. Everyone has their own beliefs, even if contained within the same religion (in this case Christianity). The trick is distinguishing between man's contributions and God's absolute truth. I still don't think I can effectively cancel out my own experiences and the different ways my parents and teachers have influenced my thinking enough to see truth clearly.
In the early years of my childhood, I was raised in a non-instrumental Church of Christ. Many of those congregations were as opposed to instruments being brought past the church doors as they were to see a woman approach the podium to speak. Women were allowed to teach Sunday School for the children under the Junior High ages only. They could also study together in women's Bible study groups. I noticed these obvious disadvantages that girls had within the church as a child, but I would never have dared to question the established rules that God himself had set in place. My Dad had made it clear to me that women had only one place, behind a man. Every Christian I knew seemed to simply confirm this belief.
God was my purpose. I held on to my life for Him and not just because of Him. I believed I was cursed, worthless, and a living burden to my family, especially my father. I lived for God and Him only. I had to hold onto a belief that He needed to "use" me for something. I believed that He could make me usable. As a girl, the possibilities seemed limited.
My Mom worked outside the home as a nurse. Even though she worked, my Father depended on her to have a warm dinner and a clean house waiting for him everyday when he arrived home. And somehow she made it happen. My Mom never prayed when my Father was present. She stayed in her place very naturally and appeared content to do no more. I, on the other hand, felt like I was living up to my Daddy's harsh words, as I was screaming on the inside for something greater. Women seemed like no more than drones. I guess I should have felt honored to be God's drone, but if I had this love for Him with a desire to do so much more, how could I keep silent? Why would He demand that from me?
Why were women so much lower than men?
I was told it began in the garden when Eve was deceived. Yet didn't Adam eat from the same tree as well forcing him to face death and punishment? My Mom was not much help in answering these questions, but she did assure me that there were things we could do for God, even if not in a position of authority.
The super-sized congregation that we had been attending had a split. Apparently, someone snuck a guitar into their Sunday School class and it didn't go over well with the elders. This sparked a controversy over Biblical elements like I had never seen before. My parents decided to go with the "splinter church", the instrumental church. They called themselves Disciples of Christ and many things were different there. Beyond the worship style and songs dramatically changing from classic hymns to contemporary music heard on the radio (I even remember hearing "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton on one occasion), there were wives serving communion with their husbands. That was an amazing sight for me, but I still wondered if they were doing something wrong. I had never seen a woman take part in anything like that before. I began to suspect that it might just be because their husbands were there with them that the ladies could be allowed to do something like that. One thing was becoming clear though, I needed a man if I wanted to do anything of any real magnitude for my Lord. I wished I was a man all the more because of this.
Was there anything good about being born a girl?
If men were so wrong about a ridiculous rule making piano playing a sin, even if done for the right motives, then why couldn't they also be wrong about their beliefs of a woman's place in the church?
Later, I dismissed this as wishful thinking.
In Junior High and High School, my youth minister inspired me like no other had before. He never knew it, but I made him my own personal role model of Christ for my life. When people told me to be like Jesus, I had a picture of my youth minister running through my head. I wanted to be just like him. I would sometimes give little mini sermons in my room to my mirror, and I noticed how much they sounded like him. That was a good thing. If I had a career choice I would have gone to college to be a youth minister. Aside from a job in the music industry, preaching was my dream. I had so much to say, and I really believed I was good at it too. But if no one could accept me because I was woman than what good was that gift? It was a wasted effort, just another pipe dream.
One Sunday morning during invitational song, I went forward to dedicate my career to the Lord's service. I knew that no matter what I would not be happy unless I was working directly for God. I noticed that we had a woman as the head of our Children's Ministry department at our church and even though that was not my first choice, it was something. I promised in front of the whole congregation to pursuit a college degree for the purpose of Children's Ministry. That was not what I wanted to do...I wanted to speak to adults. That was what I was good at and all my speeches were aimed at an older audience, but again, I knew it was useless. No one would be willing to listen. I was just a girl.
While at Bible college, I discovered a cool couple. Priscilla and Aquila were wife and husband. More importantly they were an example directly out of the Bible of a woman working in a more of a spotlight position than her husband.
I was inspired by the knowledge of this little "hiccup" in the female submission teaching of the Bible. Still, I was confused at where the line should be drawn and where it could be pushed back.
I genuinely thought I needed to be married to be truly useful to God's ministry within the world. If I were to go at it alone, I assumed that I would not be taken seriously. When I met Drew, we had many conversations about venturing to the mission field. Unfortunately, as it turns out, it's harder to start a life in another country once you have another person to take care of. The mission field would have to wait again.
I love my Drew. He has helped me discover strength in myself that I never thought existed. And although I have regrets of not making it to Thailand, liked we discussed so many times before, I have been a witness of God's ability to use us and our love for people right where we are. Drew has always been fine with me as an equal in ministry. So even if I know now that in fact, I did not need a man to be useful to the church, I don't resent my decision to marry. If I hadn't married, how would I have the confidence to take the necessary steps? God knows what he is doing. He knew what He was doing when Drew and I were brought together. Things don't go smoothly all the time, but we both have a connection to service for God's kingdom that makes us stronger. Every time we follow that "leading", seeing someone in need and jumping at the opportunity to help, it brings us closer. I feel a little more whole inside. I can tell that he does too.
I still spend time, on occasion, wishing that I had some kind of public forum to tell others the Gospel. I could fight for my position in the Biblical food chain if I wanted to. But why? I'm not sure I would be accomplishing anything for Christ by shouting "Hey! Let me Speak!" I'm not giving in or giving up. As I stated before, I don't have this all figured out on what's right. I am happy to know that God doesn't look down on me because my gender, the way that many men in church do. I am thankful for strong female examples in the Bible. I am thankful for the progress that the American nation has made in this area. I still believe that there is a line though. I don't know where it is, but I hope we don't make all the extremists correct by crossing over it.
Moral of the story:
Be Thankful for what God has given to you. He is good at what he does. .. ALL he does
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Next Post: Haunted by Good Feelings
What purpose could I serve to God as an unmarried woman?
I'm not sure how to tackle this subject. Everyone has their own beliefs, even if contained within the same religion (in this case Christianity). The trick is distinguishing between man's contributions and God's absolute truth. I still don't think I can effectively cancel out my own experiences and the different ways my parents and teachers have influenced my thinking enough to see truth clearly.
In the early years of my childhood, I was raised in a non-instrumental Church of Christ. Many of those congregations were as opposed to instruments being brought past the church doors as they were to see a woman approach the podium to speak. Women were allowed to teach Sunday School for the children under the Junior High ages only. They could also study together in women's Bible study groups. I noticed these obvious disadvantages that girls had within the church as a child, but I would never have dared to question the established rules that God himself had set in place. My Dad had made it clear to me that women had only one place, behind a man. Every Christian I knew seemed to simply confirm this belief.
God was my purpose. I held on to my life for Him and not just because of Him. I believed I was cursed, worthless, and a living burden to my family, especially my father. I lived for God and Him only. I had to hold onto a belief that He needed to "use" me for something. I believed that He could make me usable. As a girl, the possibilities seemed limited.
My Mom worked outside the home as a nurse. Even though she worked, my Father depended on her to have a warm dinner and a clean house waiting for him everyday when he arrived home. And somehow she made it happen. My Mom never prayed when my Father was present. She stayed in her place very naturally and appeared content to do no more. I, on the other hand, felt like I was living up to my Daddy's harsh words, as I was screaming on the inside for something greater. Women seemed like no more than drones. I guess I should have felt honored to be God's drone, but if I had this love for Him with a desire to do so much more, how could I keep silent? Why would He demand that from me?
Why were women so much lower than men?
I was told it began in the garden when Eve was deceived. Yet didn't Adam eat from the same tree as well forcing him to face death and punishment? My Mom was not much help in answering these questions, but she did assure me that there were things we could do for God, even if not in a position of authority.
The super-sized congregation that we had been attending had a split. Apparently, someone snuck a guitar into their Sunday School class and it didn't go over well with the elders. This sparked a controversy over Biblical elements like I had never seen before. My parents decided to go with the "splinter church", the instrumental church. They called themselves Disciples of Christ and many things were different there. Beyond the worship style and songs dramatically changing from classic hymns to contemporary music heard on the radio (I even remember hearing "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton on one occasion), there were wives serving communion with their husbands. That was an amazing sight for me, but I still wondered if they were doing something wrong. I had never seen a woman take part in anything like that before. I began to suspect that it might just be because their husbands were there with them that the ladies could be allowed to do something like that. One thing was becoming clear though, I needed a man if I wanted to do anything of any real magnitude for my Lord. I wished I was a man all the more because of this.
Was there anything good about being born a girl?
If men were so wrong about a ridiculous rule making piano playing a sin, even if done for the right motives, then why couldn't they also be wrong about their beliefs of a woman's place in the church?
Later, I dismissed this as wishful thinking.
In Junior High and High School, my youth minister inspired me like no other had before. He never knew it, but I made him my own personal role model of Christ for my life. When people told me to be like Jesus, I had a picture of my youth minister running through my head. I wanted to be just like him. I would sometimes give little mini sermons in my room to my mirror, and I noticed how much they sounded like him. That was a good thing. If I had a career choice I would have gone to college to be a youth minister. Aside from a job in the music industry, preaching was my dream. I had so much to say, and I really believed I was good at it too. But if no one could accept me because I was woman than what good was that gift? It was a wasted effort, just another pipe dream.
One Sunday morning during invitational song, I went forward to dedicate my career to the Lord's service. I knew that no matter what I would not be happy unless I was working directly for God. I noticed that we had a woman as the head of our Children's Ministry department at our church and even though that was not my first choice, it was something. I promised in front of the whole congregation to pursuit a college degree for the purpose of Children's Ministry. That was not what I wanted to do...I wanted to speak to adults. That was what I was good at and all my speeches were aimed at an older audience, but again, I knew it was useless. No one would be willing to listen. I was just a girl.
While at Bible college, I discovered a cool couple. Priscilla and Aquila were wife and husband. More importantly they were an example directly out of the Bible of a woman working in a more of a spotlight position than her husband.
The New Testament references to Priscilla and Aquila make it clear that, despite the male-dominant culture, Aquila was not the leader and Priscilla his assistant. In fact, of the seven times the two names are mentioned together, Priscilla is listed first five of those times (Acts 18:18-19, 26; Rom. 16:3; 2 Tim. 4:19). Because it was the custom to list the husband’s name first, this reversal indicates Priscilla’s importance in the minds of the New Testament writers Luke and Paul. It also indicates that Priscilla was not teaching as a secondary partner under the ‘covering’ of her husband’s spiritual authority. If there were a universal spiritual principle requiring a woman to be subordinate to the teaching authority of the man, Priscilla would not have been referred to in terms indicating either her equality or her prominence in the Priscilla-Aquila teaching team. ---(Internet Source: http://bible.org/article/aquila-and-priscilla-1-corinthians-1619)
I was inspired by the knowledge of this little "hiccup" in the female submission teaching of the Bible. Still, I was confused at where the line should be drawn and where it could be pushed back.
I genuinely thought I needed to be married to be truly useful to God's ministry within the world. If I were to go at it alone, I assumed that I would not be taken seriously. When I met Drew, we had many conversations about venturing to the mission field. Unfortunately, as it turns out, it's harder to start a life in another country once you have another person to take care of. The mission field would have to wait again.
I love my Drew. He has helped me discover strength in myself that I never thought existed. And although I have regrets of not making it to Thailand, liked we discussed so many times before, I have been a witness of God's ability to use us and our love for people right where we are. Drew has always been fine with me as an equal in ministry. So even if I know now that in fact, I did not need a man to be useful to the church, I don't resent my decision to marry. If I hadn't married, how would I have the confidence to take the necessary steps? God knows what he is doing. He knew what He was doing when Drew and I were brought together. Things don't go smoothly all the time, but we both have a connection to service for God's kingdom that makes us stronger. Every time we follow that "leading", seeing someone in need and jumping at the opportunity to help, it brings us closer. I feel a little more whole inside. I can tell that he does too.
I still spend time, on occasion, wishing that I had some kind of public forum to tell others the Gospel. I could fight for my position in the Biblical food chain if I wanted to. But why? I'm not sure I would be accomplishing anything for Christ by shouting "Hey! Let me Speak!" I'm not giving in or giving up. As I stated before, I don't have this all figured out on what's right. I am happy to know that God doesn't look down on me because my gender, the way that many men in church do. I am thankful for strong female examples in the Bible. I am thankful for the progress that the American nation has made in this area. I still believe that there is a line though. I don't know where it is, but I hope we don't make all the extremists correct by crossing over it.
Moral of the story:
Be Thankful for what God has given to you. He is good at what he does. .. ALL he does
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Next Post: Haunted by Good Feelings
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Acceptance- The rest is up to...
"Acceptance" comes easier when people see with their hearts and not with their eyes.
I don't want to be rich, but I wish I was comfortable. I don't need a house full of elegant furniture and designer clothes, but I want to be able to entertain company of those that do. I don't need a great career that is more fun than work, but I want to make my dreams a reality. I don't need to be in a class higher than I am, but I want to feel contentment.
I need to learn acceptance.
As a teen, watching the unbelievable relationship between my parents, the role of women in the world looked less then appealing. I saw my Mom as weak and overly emotional. I read in the Bible that women were to "submit" to man's authority. To me, the word "authority" and my Father's tyranny were synonymous. I continually shied away from that scripture. I had a hard enough time submitting to God's rule over my life. Submitting to an angry out of control man did not seem like the correct thing to do. The Bible must not be talking to me, I concluded.
I've spent the last couple years whining to my friends and my spouse. I whined to God the most. Oh Why am I in this position? Why do I have to deal with this 'evil' attraction all the time? Why didn't YOU stop my Father from doing those things to me? Why God? Why can't I just be a 'normal' woman? Why do I have to feel like scum around other ladies? And WHY won't you take this from me?
A few of my friends showed me the door after hearing about all this, but most of them told me that I'm not all that bad. They said, "Kayt, you are making this bigger than it is..." But I thought I should think myself cursed because I though the Christian world would reject me...if they only knew. If they would reject me, then how could I accept me?
The fact is... women are physically not as strong as men (generally speaking - not every man is stronger). Women have a specific role to play in relationships...this is true too. So does a man. And it is also true, according to the Bible, that I must submit to my husband's God given authority. It also says that Drew should love me like Christ loves the Church (Jesus gave His life as a demonstration of that kind of love).
My Dad messed up his portion of the relationship, but my Mother (in her weakness) held on to God's promises and was faithful to do her part no matter what. .....Perhaps she was stronger than she appeared.
Whether I am lower class my whole life.... Whether I get cancer and all my hair falls out ...whether my husband dies in a tragic accident...Whether 'love' doesn't seem to last in our marriage....Whether a hurricane blows away my newly purchased home... Whether I never finish my degree and owe my student loans for the rest of my life... Whether I never witness my influence changing someones life for Christ.....
I need to learn acceptance.
If this is the life I have been given, and it is. I must learn to move away from what others might think is right for my life. God tells me all I need to know. He loves me.
The Pity party is over. The struggle inside to make the right choices might never go away. And I'm done wasting my prayers asking for an end to this struggle. I am learning to be content in my circumstances. Whether God-made or man-made, it doesn't matter at this point. It's done. There will be no rewrite. I am here, and this is what is happening now. All my fighting, screaming, and clawing about it...just makes me selfish and crazy.
I am learning acceptance.
I don't want to be rich, but I wish I was comfortable. I don't need a house full of elegant furniture and designer clothes, but I want to be able to entertain company of those that do. I don't need a great career that is more fun than work, but I want to make my dreams a reality. I don't need to be in a class higher than I am, but I want to feel contentment.
I need to learn acceptance.
As a teen, watching the unbelievable relationship between my parents, the role of women in the world looked less then appealing. I saw my Mom as weak and overly emotional. I read in the Bible that women were to "submit" to man's authority. To me, the word "authority" and my Father's tyranny were synonymous. I continually shied away from that scripture. I had a hard enough time submitting to God's rule over my life. Submitting to an angry out of control man did not seem like the correct thing to do. The Bible must not be talking to me, I concluded.
I've spent the last couple years whining to my friends and my spouse. I whined to God the most. Oh Why am I in this position? Why do I have to deal with this 'evil' attraction all the time? Why didn't YOU stop my Father from doing those things to me? Why God? Why can't I just be a 'normal' woman? Why do I have to feel like scum around other ladies? And WHY won't you take this from me?
A few of my friends showed me the door after hearing about all this, but most of them told me that I'm not all that bad. They said, "Kayt, you are making this bigger than it is..." But I thought I should think myself cursed because I though the Christian world would reject me...if they only knew. If they would reject me, then how could I accept me?
The fact is... women are physically not as strong as men (generally speaking - not every man is stronger). Women have a specific role to play in relationships...this is true too. So does a man. And it is also true, according to the Bible, that I must submit to my husband's God given authority. It also says that Drew should love me like Christ loves the Church (Jesus gave His life as a demonstration of that kind of love).
My Dad messed up his portion of the relationship, but my Mother (in her weakness) held on to God's promises and was faithful to do her part no matter what. .....Perhaps she was stronger than she appeared.
Whether I am lower class my whole life.... Whether I get cancer and all my hair falls out ...whether my husband dies in a tragic accident...Whether 'love' doesn't seem to last in our marriage....Whether a hurricane blows away my newly purchased home... Whether I never finish my degree and owe my student loans for the rest of my life... Whether I never witness my influence changing someones life for Christ.....
I need to learn acceptance.
If this is the life I have been given, and it is. I must learn to move away from what others might think is right for my life. God tells me all I need to know. He loves me.
The Pity party is over. The struggle inside to make the right choices might never go away. And I'm done wasting my prayers asking for an end to this struggle. I am learning to be content in my circumstances. Whether God-made or man-made, it doesn't matter at this point. It's done. There will be no rewrite. I am here, and this is what is happening now. All my fighting, screaming, and clawing about it...just makes me selfish and crazy.
I am learning acceptance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)