Created Unworthy

Manless I am nothing. 

What purpose could I serve to God as an unmarried woman?


I'm not sure how to tackle this subject.  Everyone has their own beliefs, even if contained within the same religion (in this case Christianity).  The trick is distinguishing between man's contributions and God's absolute truth.  I still don't think I can effectively cancel out my own experiences and the different ways my parents and teachers have influenced my thinking enough to see truth clearly. 


In the early years of my childhood, I was raised in a non-instrumental Church of Christ.   Many of those congregations were as opposed to instruments being brought past the church doors as they were to see a woman approach the podium to speak.  Women were allowed to teach Sunday School for the children under the Junior High ages only.  They could also study together in women's Bible study groups.  I noticed these obvious disadvantages that girls had within the church as a child, but I would never have dared to question the established rules that God himself had set in place.  My Dad had made it clear to me that women had only one place, behind a man.  Every Christian I knew seemed to simply confirm this belief.

God was my purpose.  I held on to my life for Him and not just because of Him.  I believed I was cursed, worthless, and a living burden to my family, especially my father.   I lived for God and Him only.  I had to hold onto a belief that He needed to "use" me for something.  I believed that He could make me usable.  As a girl, the possibilities seemed limited.

My Mom worked outside the home as a nurse.  Even though she worked, my Father depended on her to have a warm dinner and a clean house waiting for him everyday when he arrived home.  And somehow she made it happen.  My Mom never prayed when my Father was present.  She stayed in her place very naturally and appeared content to do no more.  I, on the other hand, felt like I was living up to my Daddy's harsh words, as I was screaming on the inside for something greater.  Women seemed like no more than drones.  I guess I should have felt honored to be God's drone, but if I had this love for Him with a desire to do so much more, how could I keep silent?  Why would He demand that from me? 

Why were women so much lower than men?

I was told it began in the garden when Eve was deceived.   Yet didn't Adam eat from the same tree as well forcing him to face death and punishment?   My Mom was not much help in answering these questions, but she did assure me that there were things we could do for God, even if not in a position of authority. 

The super-sized congregation that we had been attending had a split.  Apparently, someone snuck a guitar into their Sunday School class and it didn't go over well with the elders.  This sparked a controversy over Biblical elements like I had never seen before.  My parents decided to go with the "splinter church", the instrumental church.  They called themselves Disciples of Christ and many things were different there.  Beyond the worship style and songs dramatically changing from classic hymns to contemporary music heard on the radio (I even remember hearing "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton on one occasion), there were wives serving communion with their husbands.  That was an amazing sight for me, but I still wondered if they were doing something wrong.  I had never seen a woman take part in anything like that before.   I began to suspect that it might just be because their husbands were there with them that the ladies could be allowed to do something like that.    One thing was becoming clear though, I needed a man if I wanted to do anything of any real magnitude for my Lord.  I wished I was a man all the more because of this.

Was there anything good about being born a girl? 

If men were so wrong about a ridiculous rule making piano playing a sin, even if done for the right motives, then why couldn't they also be wrong about their beliefs of a woman's place in the church? 
Later, I dismissed this as wishful thinking.

In Junior High and High School, my youth minister inspired me like no other had before.  He never knew it, but I made him my own personal role model of Christ for my life.  When people told me to be like Jesus, I had a picture of my youth minister running through my head.  I wanted to be just like him.  I would sometimes give little mini sermons in my room to my mirror, and I noticed how much they sounded like him.  That was a good thing.   If I had a career choice I would have gone to college to be a youth minister.  Aside from a job in the music industry, preaching was my dream.  I had so much to say, and I really believed I was good at it too.  But if no one could accept me because I was woman than what good was that gift?  It was a wasted effort, just another pipe dream. 

One Sunday morning during invitational song, I went forward to dedicate my career to the Lord's service.  I knew that no matter what I would not be happy unless I was working directly for God.  I noticed that we had a woman as the head of our Children's Ministry department at our church and even though that was not my first choice, it was something.   I promised in front of the whole congregation to pursuit a college degree for the purpose of Children's Ministry.   That was not what I wanted to do...I wanted to speak to adults.  That was what I was good at and all my speeches were aimed at an older audience, but again, I knew it was useless.  No one would be willing to listen.  I was just a girl.

While at Bible college, I discovered a cool couple.  Priscilla and Aquila were wife and husband.  More importantly they were an example directly out of the Bible of a woman working in a more of a spotlight position than her husband. 

The New Testament references to Priscilla and Aquila make it clear that, despite the male-dominant culture, Aquila was not the leader and Priscilla his assistant. In fact, of the seven times the two names are mentioned together, Priscilla is listed first five of those times (Acts 18:18-19, 26; Rom. 16:3; 2 Tim. 4:19). Because it was the custom to list the husband’s name first, this reversal indicates Priscilla’s importance in the minds of the New Testament writers Luke and Paul. It also indicates that Priscilla was not teaching as a secondary partner under the ‘covering’ of her husband’s spiritual authority. If there were a universal spiritual principle requiring a woman to be subordinate to the teaching authority of the man, Priscilla would not have been referred to in terms indicating either her equality or her prominence in the Priscilla-Aquila teaching team. ---(Internet Source: http://bible.org/article/aquila-and-priscilla-1-corinthians-1619)

I was inspired by the knowledge of this little "hiccup" in the female submission teaching of the Bible. Still, I was confused at where the line should be drawn and where it could be pushed back. 


I genuinely thought I needed to be married to be truly useful to God's ministry within the world.  If I were to go at it alone, I assumed that I would not be taken seriously.  When I met Drew, we had many conversations about venturing to the mission field.  Unfortunately, as it turns out, it's harder to start a life in another country once you have another person to take care of.  The mission field would have to wait again. 

I love my Drew.  He has helped me discover strength in myself that I never thought existed.  And although I have regrets of not making it to Thailand, liked we discussed so many times before,  I have been a witness of God's ability to use us and our love for people right where we are.  Drew has always been fine with me as an equal in ministry.  So even if I know now that in fact, I did not need a man to be useful to the church, I don't resent my decision to marry.  If I hadn't married, how would I have the confidence to take the necessary steps?   God knows what he is doing.  He knew what He was doing when Drew and I were brought together.  Things don't go smoothly all the time, but we both have a connection to service for God's kingdom that makes us stronger.  Every time we follow that "leading", seeing someone in need and jumping at the opportunity to help, it brings us closer.  I feel a little more whole inside.  I can tell that he does too. 

I still spend time, on occasion, wishing that I had some kind of public forum to tell others the Gospel.  I could fight for my position in the Biblical food chain if I wanted to.  But why?   I'm not sure I would be accomplishing anything for Christ by shouting "Hey!  Let me Speak!"  I'm not giving in or giving up.  As I stated before, I don't have this all figured out on what's right.  I am happy to know that God doesn't look down on me because my gender, the way that many men in church do.  I am thankful for strong female examples in the Bible.  I am thankful for the progress that the American nation has made in this area.  I still believe that there is a line though.  I don't know where it is, but I hope we don't make all the extremists correct by crossing over it. 


Moral of the story:
Be Thankful for what God has given to you.  He is good at what he does. .. ALL he does


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