In this moment

Inspiration doesn't tell time.  It's almost 4 AM while I type this.  My kids have been spending some time away at Grandma's house for swimming lessons, and it has given Drew and I a much needed break to regroup ourselves.  I've spent some time watching non-Disney movies, cleaning house (while it can actually stay clean for more than 5 minutes) and other similar activities.  But the best use of my time has been spent going on walks or driving a little ways to a quiet spot, to think and pray.  Prayer and meditation has a way of putting all our stressers and worries of our past, present, and future, back into perspective. 
Realizing,  all we have is today.

It seems like such a simple concept, but ironically it took my formerly abusive father's example to open my eyes to it.  It was Mother's Day weekend, and the kids and I packed oursleves in the van.  We were off to spend time at my parents house just to be there for my mom and make her wish come true.  Drew was unable to go with us because of work.  I always end up regretting going to see my parents by myself, so I was not looking forward to making this trip alone again.  Family always brings out the worst in people, and knowing what I know now concerning the orgin of my addictions and same-sex attraction, only fuels the fire for hostility in me. 
I have to put on a face.  I have to make my indifference to the past seem real.  I must accept the hugs and kisses from the man who actions still haunt me today.  There's an obvious injustice that I am forced to ignore, because I want to be respectful of my family.  
The weekend went as well as could be expected.  We all went to church on Sunday, and afterward met up at my brother's house for lunch.  When the meal was over it was time for the kids and I to pack up and say our goodbyes.  The trip seemed without any significant incidence. We appeared to be leaving everyone on a high-note for a change.  I was thankful for that, but didn't want to waste time waiting for the winds to change before heading home.   Then just after I shut my driverside door, my dad came up to talk to me.  I began to feel my face and body tense up, not knowing what to expect.  Quietly, only audible to me, he said,"Kayt, I just wanted to tell you...I'm very proud of you and the life that you've made with your family.  I just wanted... to tell you that."  I nodded and forced a smile and subtle quiet "thank you" came out of my mouth.  Then we all waved good-bye one last time and I drove away. 
I had to make a stop again about a mile away to fill up with gas.  When I pulled up next to the pump, I was already fuming about what my dad had said.  "Just WHO does he think he is??!  What does he think that crap is gonna do?!  Does he really expect me to FORGET about all the s*#@ he's put me through?!  Like that one little gesture is gonna make everything ok between us!  He hasn't changed...NOTHING's changed." 
I went inside the station to pay with cash, and the whole time....I had this unexplainable ache in my chest.  Some guy followed me out of the building asking me for change, and I gave it to him; which had me calmed down again while I put my seat belt on.  As I started to get on the highway, I realized that my poor reaction to my dad's words had made me the bad guy this time. 
I like road trips.  They give me a lot of time to think.  I had three hours to reflect upon my father's words to me.  By the time I was getting onto my exit, God had sifted through my pain and bitterness to show me the heart that exists; a heart that can still love and understand. 
I realized that my dad came to my door to say those heart felt words all on his own.  Nothing prompted him.  There was no need for apologies that day; he hadn't done anything wrong.  But still, he went out of his way to tell me that my life meant something to him.  He was proud of me.  He didn't have to tell me how he felt, but he did.  And I had spent all this time on the road resenting him for his kindness.  I had been looking at the past and considering what might be the future, and  forgetting what was happening in the now.  He did all that he could in that moment.  In that moment, he was the best father I'd ever known. 

Believe it or not, I was still reluctant to share this story about my dad doing something right on here.  I'm still getting the hang of this "forgiveness" thing.  But I am beginning to see that the big picture is in the small things. 

I tell my kids to clean up their room once in awhile.  Every time I do, you can see it in their faces how overwhelmed they feel by looking at the mess that lies before them.  Understanding this same feeling of defeat before the start, I come to their aide with some comforting advice.  "Don't look at the whole room.  Instead, just pick up one toy at a time, and put it away until there are no more toys to pick up."  I know that it's nothing profound to most of us, but to a small child with a messy room, it was relief from a hopeless situation. 

I feel that same relief when I look at my recovery and my relationships with others that way.  There have been many times where I would want to ask for forgiveness for my sinful thoughts or bad decisions, but felt reluctant to even talk to God, because I knew that my history spoke for itself and my repentance would not last.  So what's the point in trying?  I was defeated from the start.  Those feelings of hopelessness would lead to hating myself, feeling trapped, and suicidal thoughts.  I was jealous of those who would speak of their addictions in the past tense, not knowing how I could ever be in that position with the way I am.  But my father showed me the way.  Just by taking one day at a time saying,"In this moment, I am doing ok.  In this moment, I'm doing it right." 
Forget about the past.  Don't worry about the future.  All we have is this moment. 
And I can do my best in that.