Monday, June 18, 2012
I boast no more
I am coming forward today to publicly recommit my life to Christ.
I have already been back on track with Him for a few months now and I know that it is unnecessary for me to announce it to my church family for me to be forgiven, but because my fear of confession before all of you is a problem- I think that I need to do this and confront that fear head on.
I want a life of integrity.
Over the past year or more I have been living a double life. -Going to bars,compromising my family and my faith in God, seeking out people and places that would lead me even further away- all in search of my own gratification. And I can't share the whole story now but I will say that it started with a disappointment in God.
That disappintment turned to anger than bitterness and later apathy.
I was ready to disregard my entire relationship with Jesus just because I didn't feel important to Him anymore. You might think that because I went to bars that drinking was my problem, that's not the case...
My problems were much deeper. I was on the verge of abandoning God -and along with that my marriage. I just stopped caring. This is not easy to say... But I can't work and serve beside all of you knowing that I am still keeping my life a secret. Satan thrives in fear. God has saved me from myself again. (... I am so thankful for that.)
Through His word and through prayer He has been leading me back to humility. -REALIZING this life is not about me and yet He still cares about my needs and my wants.. I am just thankful that He never gave up on me, even when I was ready to give up on Him.
Also, I am very grateful for the friends and mentors that have stood beside me through all of this -fully knowing all the garbage that I struggle with. I'm sure that it's been challenge for them to watch me go through this "growing process". God has reached out to me through all your care. Thank you Susie and Stephanie and Geri from Hope Ministries and Tim. -I was so afraid to talk to you. I honestly can say that I would not be making this huge step and putting the past behind me if were not for all of you. -There are so many others too like Thanks to Lisa Greathouse for giving me that extra nudge to come forward. God has used you all in a mighty way.
And I wanted you to know, your efforts were worth something to me. -And to His kingdom
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Father of the Year (Part 2)
I know that you have always viewed me as "rebellious", but it has never been easy for me stand up to you. It always seems inappropriate for a daughter to do.
Over the years the well of my hurt fills up and then explodes. That's what it feels like, an explosion of tears and frustration.
Nothing good would ever come from announcing all your crimes against me. I never understood why I would even bother? It's not like anything would change...
I thought that I wanted your remorse, maybe understanding, what I really needed was relief from carrying it around.
Dad, you are not the source of all my problems.
I do not blame you for MY bad choices. But you are a contributor to the direction that I tend to face. Your words and actions have left their marks on my life in ways that I would never have expected would trace back to our relationship. For example:
I honestly can say that I would not have the grounded relationship that I have Jesus if it were not for you. Though you were a terrible example of everything you preached, your failure made my need for a savior stronger. The stories of heroism from men and women from the Bible, encouraged me to draw closer to God, believing that He could adopt me and use me for His great purpose. In moments that I would wish myself dead (because I thought you wanted that too) God was able to show me how real He is.
If I were not stretched in such extreme ways, I might never have become so certain of my faith. I owe you the "thanks" for that. Your anger led me to depend upon His love. And those memories that I have of walking and talking with my God growing up, I cling to. They are my fond childhood memories. They are my roots. I don't know what else to say to you. I wish I could just forget. I pray for healing almost everyday. I know that this letter probably won't change anything, I never thought it would. But now you know that when I hug you or treat you like an ordinary father would be treated by his child, I do it not because you did anything to deserve that kind of affection from me, but because Jesus has. And He calls me to love my enemies.
Over the years the well of my hurt fills up and then explodes. That's what it feels like, an explosion of tears and frustration.
Nothing good would ever come from announcing all your crimes against me. I never understood why I would even bother? It's not like anything would change...
I thought that I wanted your remorse, maybe understanding, what I really needed was relief from carrying it around.
Dad, you are not the source of all my problems.
I do not blame you for MY bad choices. But you are a contributor to the direction that I tend to face. Your words and actions have left their marks on my life in ways that I would never have expected would trace back to our relationship. For example:
- I didn't realize till I was an adult that your view of a woman's role in family (and the way you treat Mom) would lead me down a path of constant avoidance of anything feminine.
- Or that I buy into your view of women even to the extent of feeling second rate to a man in relation to God and his love.
- I never thought that I would both hate being a girl and want to be intimate with another girl all because my father, a man, had made me feel worthless.
- I never thought that such a missing relationship with you would be able to reach into my adult life an still interrupt my self confidence.
I honestly can say that I would not have the grounded relationship that I have Jesus if it were not for you. Though you were a terrible example of everything you preached, your failure made my need for a savior stronger. The stories of heroism from men and women from the Bible, encouraged me to draw closer to God, believing that He could adopt me and use me for His great purpose. In moments that I would wish myself dead (because I thought you wanted that too) God was able to show me how real He is.
If I were not stretched in such extreme ways, I might never have become so certain of my faith. I owe you the "thanks" for that. Your anger led me to depend upon His love. And those memories that I have of walking and talking with my God growing up, I cling to. They are my fond childhood memories. They are my roots. I don't know what else to say to you. I wish I could just forget. I pray for healing almost everyday. I know that this letter probably won't change anything, I never thought it would. But now you know that when I hug you or treat you like an ordinary father would be treated by his child, I do it not because you did anything to deserve that kind of affection from me, but because Jesus has. And He calls me to love my enemies.
Father of the Year - A letter to my Dad on Father's Day (Part 1)
Dear Dad,
I know we've had our confrontations, but this letter is way over due.
I always wanted to love you just like I see other father/daughters do. I always wanted to look at you with admiration, and to show you the respect that a father shouldn't have to earn. But what I've always wanted most of all is to feel loved by you. - To be loved and not cursed; To feel wanted and not like an embarrassment or a bother.
As a child: I never thought I deserved that kind of love from you - from God - from anyone. You would put your world on my shoulders and I would fail you every time. You accused me of tricking you - plotting, as if I were some kind of saboteur, but I was just a kid. I was your daughter.
What was I to think, when my own "daddy" hated me so much? I couldn't do anything right in your eyes. There were many times you would come around with an apology. You wanted me to forgive and forget it. But the apology turned into just another order you were placing upon me. I MUST forgive now! I MUST forget and erase it from my memory - pretend it never happened NOW, all because you said "I'm sorry".
You wanted me to forget about what just happened that day? - the words that you said, the things you threw, the way in which you grabbed me, the hands around my neck, the anger that you still blamed me for causing you to lose control.
You came to me at night, long after I cried myself to sleep, because you wanted to forget about what had happened.
Maybe it was Mom that came to my rescue (oh how you hated when she would do that) that finally calmed you enough and was able to convince you that you'd done something wrong. Maybe you didn't want to feel the guilt anymore -The same guilt that I would feel, but that would never go away. Because your apology would get you off the hook, but not me. You always made sure that I was left with the knowledge that I still was at fault in all of this.
I was a good girl, who wanted to make her Heavenly Father proud with obedience more than I cared about making things right with you. So I did forgive - I couldn't help it. I love my Lord, and that meant that I also would love you. But I want you to know that your apologies were only a trigger/ a spark to ignite that hunger, to be closer to God. The closer I moved toward Him, the more I inched away from you and your tyranny over my heart. Your words were empty and confusing. Because with passion spilling out, you would yell hate at me. (I bet you don't even remember these things.) Even saying that you don't love me anymore, and then come to me to say that you LIED?!? I had to wonder eventually, was this apology for me?
Or for you?
I would forgive, but I was careful not to forget. Because I knew, I KNEW, it would happen again. I needed to be prepared. There is a reason why they teach history in schools. The thought is that we will learn from our mistakes, or prepare for events in our future that seem unavoidable. But whether I wanted to be a naive little girl or not, I really had no choice. I was haunted by the trauma that your anger aimed at me had caused. Haunted by the memories, the words, the look on your furious face. You became the monster of my dreams.
I know that you think that I have no right to bring all this dark of the past out into the light. But nothing really ever changed in your routine. I'm not there to upset you, so I don't have to avoid "a problem" anymore. Like a record that skips, I know the song is scratched somewhere because it's been played many times before - so everyone just waits for it to happen. You might be thinking that you are the broken record. It's true you are broken, but so am I now.
Mom tried many times to explain to me that you were not always this way, but there are so many scars, scrapes, and scratches between you and me. How can I attempt to see any way that you were before? And what does it matter to me? - It just feeds the idea the idea that there is something wrong with me.
Did I put the scratch in your record?? Did I do something to turn you the wrong away? What did I do to deserve a "daddy" like you?
I must admit. I hate Father's Day because of you.
They should have a Hallmark section for relationships like ours. If they did it would be called something like, "Pretend your Dad is the like the one your friend has." or "Your generic not too personal because you really don't get along at all but want to still be polite" section. Even now, especially now, when I see a dad and his girl together - the love and laughter that they so easily share between them, the closeness, the bond of trust that I witness just by viewing a moment in their life together, I get jealous. ....Sad more than jealous, a deep sadness, because not only will I never know what that's like because I can't go back in time, but also because of the deep scars that are left behind. Your reluctance to acknowledge the negative effect of your actions on the family has paralyzed any chance of us moving forward toward something better.
I will never know what it's like to hug my Daddy and KNOW that it's love that hugs me back.
I don't ask for much. I know that you can't do much about your personality, but if only you were capable of loving me, unselfishly. But as long as I've been aware of you, over the years, it's been made clearer to me, you don't live within the same world we do.
I know we've had our confrontations, but this letter is way over due.
I always wanted to love you just like I see other father/daughters do. I always wanted to look at you with admiration, and to show you the respect that a father shouldn't have to earn. But what I've always wanted most of all is to feel loved by you. - To be loved and not cursed; To feel wanted and not like an embarrassment or a bother.
As a child: I never thought I deserved that kind of love from you - from God - from anyone. You would put your world on my shoulders and I would fail you every time. You accused me of tricking you - plotting, as if I were some kind of saboteur, but I was just a kid. I was your daughter.
What was I to think, when my own "daddy" hated me so much? I couldn't do anything right in your eyes. There were many times you would come around with an apology. You wanted me to forgive and forget it. But the apology turned into just another order you were placing upon me. I MUST forgive now! I MUST forget and erase it from my memory - pretend it never happened NOW, all because you said "I'm sorry".
You wanted me to forget about what just happened that day? - the words that you said, the things you threw, the way in which you grabbed me, the hands around my neck, the anger that you still blamed me for causing you to lose control.
You came to me at night, long after I cried myself to sleep, because you wanted to forget about what had happened.
Maybe it was Mom that came to my rescue (oh how you hated when she would do that) that finally calmed you enough and was able to convince you that you'd done something wrong. Maybe you didn't want to feel the guilt anymore -The same guilt that I would feel, but that would never go away. Because your apology would get you off the hook, but not me. You always made sure that I was left with the knowledge that I still was at fault in all of this.
I was a good girl, who wanted to make her Heavenly Father proud with obedience more than I cared about making things right with you. So I did forgive - I couldn't help it. I love my Lord, and that meant that I also would love you. But I want you to know that your apologies were only a trigger/ a spark to ignite that hunger, to be closer to God. The closer I moved toward Him, the more I inched away from you and your tyranny over my heart. Your words were empty and confusing. Because with passion spilling out, you would yell hate at me. (I bet you don't even remember these things.) Even saying that you don't love me anymore, and then come to me to say that you LIED?!? I had to wonder eventually, was this apology for me?
Or for you?
I would forgive, but I was careful not to forget. Because I knew, I KNEW, it would happen again. I needed to be prepared. There is a reason why they teach history in schools. The thought is that we will learn from our mistakes, or prepare for events in our future that seem unavoidable. But whether I wanted to be a naive little girl or not, I really had no choice. I was haunted by the trauma that your anger aimed at me had caused. Haunted by the memories, the words, the look on your furious face. You became the monster of my dreams.
I know that you think that I have no right to bring all this dark of the past out into the light. But nothing really ever changed in your routine. I'm not there to upset you, so I don't have to avoid "a problem" anymore. Like a record that skips, I know the song is scratched somewhere because it's been played many times before - so everyone just waits for it to happen. You might be thinking that you are the broken record. It's true you are broken, but so am I now.
Mom tried many times to explain to me that you were not always this way, but there are so many scars, scrapes, and scratches between you and me. How can I attempt to see any way that you were before? And what does it matter to me? - It just feeds the idea the idea that there is something wrong with me.
Did I put the scratch in your record?? Did I do something to turn you the wrong away? What did I do to deserve a "daddy" like you?
I must admit. I hate Father's Day because of you.
They should have a Hallmark section for relationships like ours. If they did it would be called something like, "Pretend your Dad is the like the one your friend has." or "Your generic not too personal because you really don't get along at all but want to still be polite" section. Even now, especially now, when I see a dad and his girl together - the love and laughter that they so easily share between them, the closeness, the bond of trust that I witness just by viewing a moment in their life together, I get jealous. ....Sad more than jealous, a deep sadness, because not only will I never know what that's like because I can't go back in time, but also because of the deep scars that are left behind. Your reluctance to acknowledge the negative effect of your actions on the family has paralyzed any chance of us moving forward toward something better.
I will never know what it's like to hug my Daddy and KNOW that it's love that hugs me back.
I don't ask for much. I know that you can't do much about your personality, but if only you were capable of loving me, unselfishly. But as long as I've been aware of you, over the years, it's been made clearer to me, you don't live within the same world we do.
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