Father of the Year (Part 2)

I know that you have always viewed me as "rebellious", but it has never been easy for me stand up to you.  It always seems inappropriate for a daughter to do. 
Over the years the well of my hurt fills up and then explodes. That's what it feels like, an explosion of tears and frustration. 

Nothing good would ever come from announcing all your crimes against me. I never understood why I would even bother? It's not like anything would change...

I thought that I wanted your remorse, maybe understanding, what I really needed was relief from carrying it around.

Dad, you are not the source of all my problems. 
 I do not blame you for MY bad choices. But you are a contributor to the direction that I tend to face. Your words and actions have left their marks on my life in ways that I would never have expected would trace back to our relationship.  For example: 

• I didn't realize till I was an adult that your view of a woman's role in family (and the way you treat Mom) would lead me down a path of constant avoidance of anything feminine. 
• Or that I buy into your view of women even to the extent of feeling second rate to a man in relation to God and his love.
• I never thought that I would both hate being a girl and want to be intimate with another girl all because my father, a man, had made me feel worthless.
•  I never thought that such a missing relationship with you would be able to reach into my adult life an still interrupt my self confidence. 

 But not all your contributions were bad.
 I honestly can say that I would not have the grounded relationship that I have Jesus if it were not for you. Though you were a terrible example of everything you preached, your failure made my need for a savior stronger. The stories of heroism from men and women from the Bible, encouraged me to draw closer to God, believing that He could adopt me and use me for His great purpose. In moments that I would wish myself dead (because I thought you wanted that too) God was able to show me how real He is. 
 If I were not stretched in such extreme ways, I might never have become so certain of my faith. I owe you the "thanks" for that. Your anger led me to depend upon His love. And those memories that I have of walking and talking with my God growing up, I cling to. They are my fond childhood memories. They are my roots. I don't know what else to say to you. I wish I could just forget. I pray for healing almost everyday. I know that this letter probably won't change anything, I never thought it would. But now you know that when I hug you or treat you like an ordinary father would be treated by his child, I do it not because you did anything to deserve that kind of affection from me, but because Jesus has. And He calls me to love my enemies.