Satan's Shackles

Yes, it's true.  I'm behind again posting this month (or last month - I lost track somewhere).  I had started and almost finished another post on a completely different subject.  But for now, I think I will leave it on the back burner for awhile longer.  Not because I don't think the subject is worth while, but because there's just something else more pressing that has been pulling at me lately.  Fear.

I know that I've written about this in the past, but fear has a way of reoccuring again and again; not unlike a bad dream (or chinese take-out).

Ever since the "rumor" issue sprung up, I've been tense about every little thing and what people might think about me, or how they might twist the mundane into something perverted.  Most of my fears center around simple things, like the expression on my face when I look at someone when there is some one nearby that "knows" about me, the things I talk about or the way that I gesture (I like to move my hands when I talk to people).  I even worry about what they are thinking when I talk to kids now, or help out with VBS (Vacation Bible School), or go to the ladies restroom.   And the wierd thing about it is, the "rumor" was snuffed out pretty quickly, and to my knowledge has had little, if any, repercussions on my life - other than this paranoia that I suffer from.
Recently, my family and I have decided to church shop ( I know, it's not a good term to use, "shop", but really that's what it is).  Our decision to leave the congregation that's held our membership for eight plus years was not an easy one, and had nothing to do with my little paranoid episodes about what happened almost a year ago.  I have been looking to go back to work now that both my children have enrolled in school, and realized that I have almost zero friends that live in my general area who I could call on if I needed a last minute sitter.  That realization morphed into something else that had been nagging at me for a long time, I need to get involved in my community.  That said, I would be lying if I told you that I didn't feel some sort of relief at the thought that I could be stepping away from these fears of impending ridicule and misunderstanding into a world of fear that is far more familiar to me - meeting new people.
The preacher at the local church we've been visiting lately, spoke about honor today.  He preached from 2 Samuel, emphasizing the relationship between David and King Saul.  His sermon was very interesting and note-worthy, but what struck me most was his candor. Nate has this manner of speaking that makes you feel like you're in his living room.  It's not that his sermon is given as improv. but that his approach and illustrations are not what you'd expect at church on Sunday morning  (and he likes to use slides to back them up).  One week, he even had a picture of a cool refreshing can of Bud Light up on the screen (I can just hear my parents gasp), and it wasn't to point out the danger of alcoholism.  I'm not trying to say I would applaud Nate for fitting a beer add or a picture referencing the movie Office Space into his sermon (although, that movie was awesome).  I admire his courage.  Nate obviously doesn't care about the critics out there.  He's preaching to the crowd that will listen to his message and not get hung up by the non-traditional style.  Now I know some people might say that he's still trying to be a crowd pleaser, just to a different crowd, but that's not the impression I get.  I think he's just being himself, and not letting conservatism and tradition get in the way of preaching the Word in real terms that encourages others to be real and not hide behind religious legalism either.  As I listened today from my seat way in the back, I realized just how crippling this fear of mine was becoming.  Nate's casual courage is an inspiration for me to try harder. I want to care less about what others may think about me or what meaning that might get placed to my random actions.
Fear has kept me from accomplishing so many things.  Fear kept me from finishing my college degree (while I was still considered a "traditional student").  Fear keeps me from writing my own resume'.  Fear tempts me to think that I might not be a good wife, a good mother or a good friend.  Fear tells me to not even try.
When I posted before about fear, I said that it was the devil trying to make me live in secret.  This new fear is the same, only now, he's trying to get me to live in shame and regret.  They are both strong shackles.  It feels like it would be easy to stop blogging on here, to stop sharing the hardships, and the many ways that God is bringing me through them.  Satan would whisper, "You are too busy to think about these things right now.  No one reads it anyway"  And I would go back my secret life living inside my secret fear, with assumption that somehow the events of my life would stun or devastate the hearts of my Christian brothers and sisters - if they only knew.  I would worry about all of this, instead of considering Christ and my service to Him.
I don't really care for Tom Cruise as a person.  I also don't care that he acted like a lunatic on the Oprah show.  But let's face it, he still manages to be in some really great films.  Many moons ago, he was in a film titled, "The Last Samurai", and if you haven't seen it, I encourage you to do so.  At one point in the movie Cruise is living in the Samurai's camp, and while engaging in a sparing match with one of the warriors -of which he is failing miserably - he is given some advice.  A village teen tells him simply,"Too many mind".  The meaning behind this is easy to understand.  We all spend so much of our day consumed by our "to-do" list, our jobs, our entertainment, our finances, our relationships, or sometimes just thoughts about what's happened in our past.  Where ... ?  Where is God in all this?   Where does He fit?
I think when the author of Hebrews says,"keep your eyes fixed"(Heb 12:2), he's saying the same thing as the young Samurai, "Too many mind".  If I am to accomplish anything, and to do it well, I need focus my thoughts.  You know I don't like to quote a lot of scripture when I write on here - I'm afraid of sounding too preachy (just another fear, I suppose).  But this ones a good one and I feel, very appropriate,  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."(Phil 4:13)    The phrase "through Christ" impIies that Christ acts as a conduit, meaning that if I want to have His strength to be more than what I am alone, I must connect with Him.  I know that Christians talk a lot about "connecting" with God, but I don't recall anyone mentioning that we should be connected and focused on Him in EVERY SINGLE THING we do.
I am to have only one mind - that is Christ -or I go crazy.  Those are my options.  At least it seems that way sometimes.  I've just got "too many mind".  I must connect with Jesus to channel my thoughts to be more Heaven centered - more kingdom centered, and less ME centered.  For when I put myself out of mind, and trust God to handle the pieces, fear loses.  The shackles are gone, and I am free to do the things I need to.