Things I Left Unsaid

This post is a response to a couple of people in my life that have referred to me as a "stalker" or told me that I hold on too long to an already dying friendship:
I have let these comments about me circle and simmer in my brain for a long time, giving them merit and believing that there was something truly wrong with my behavior -Not anymore.
If you want to call me a "stalker" for being there for you even though you're still holding onto anger and resentment against me, then so be it.  I will not change into the alternative; an uncaring, apathetic, or even resentful person who gives in and gives up on a friendship that I value, and another person whom I love and want to show that unconditionally.
  It might be something that you're not used to. It might make you uncomfortable because there's no one who has ever done that for you in your life.  I am that person who will chase after you when you decide to hide away from everybody. I am that person who will stand nearby so you know that you're not alone. I will be there when you need someone, not just me, but anyone at all who will listen.  I will not run away just because you lash out in anger. I will stand where you tell me I can. 
I am not a mind-reader. If you want distance, then all you have to do is say so.
  I will not allow myself to believe that loving unconditionally and holding on is wrong.  I understand that it is strange or is not something that you're used to. I understand that you are hurting and need time to sort it out.   When you need me, I will be here still waiting, and with open arms, knowing that it makes me weird, "creepy", and different.  I don't care if it does. Because I treat others the way I want to be treated, and I don't know any other way to love. 

Control Issues (Today's Journal Entry)

What a fool I've been,
Holding onto a life that I never should've had,
Hanging onto my anxiety while your hands were always there to hold me.
I know, I know, that you are in control
It doesn't matter if I believe it.
It doesn't matter if I live it the way you want me to.
Your ways are constant,
Your power supreme.
So why do I hold onto my worry?
Why do I hold onto lost things and  closed doors?
Why do I concern myself with all the past that I can't change?
You were with me, I can see that now. You were there all along,
You are in control.
I can see your hands into everything: my friends, my money, my job
You're working.  You've worked.
And yet I still hold on,
Like it's up to me.
You are in control of everything, I've seen it!
And I guess the only thing I have left to do today is to
let it go.

Today Marks the End of An Age

The age of sulking is over. I'm done.
Say goodbye to the depression and feelings of hopelessness.  I will not put myself in a box and label it "Creep".  I am not that.  I will not shy away from or slouch from my current position, just because it makes others uncomfortable.  I am physically and emotionally attracted to females sometimes and that doesn't make me anything more than just another human.  I am not a sinner when I get aroused by a beautiful woman.  I will not flaunt it like some heterosexual women do, (married or not) posting pictures with a sexy guy and his shirt off  and cat calling about it (Come on, ladies, you know you do).  But I refuse to live confined to the shadows for fear that my "brothers and sisters in Christ" might find me disgusting or a predator of some kind.  This kind of life...This kind of sulking has lead me to seek out non-Christian approval and friendships.  Approval from the opposition. Friendships that are not bad in themselves, but paired with my already lonely heart, their council is going to pull me further out to sea; when obviously I am starting to drift already.  I think this is one of  the many reasons why others who have fought this temptation have failed, because (Damn it!) God's church has made them feel like an outsider, or (at best) a very good liar.
I will no longer apologize for my feelings.  I feel them; they are real to me and there is no guarantee that they will cease.  I am not gay.  I am not a lesbian or bisexual.  Those are labels for other people to use if they choose.  And if they choose to use them on me, then that's their choice, not mine.  This is not pride.  This is courage.  This is the truth.  I will not sulk anymore for things that I cannot change.

Trying (Part 2)

I trust in You for every heartbeat
As long as I'm alive
Your love endures when I wake
And when I close my eyes

Help me to know You are God, I am not
Remind my soul You're in control

Praise to the Father
With every breath I take
In joy and sorrow
All for Your kingdom's sake
Be Thou my vision
Be Thou my hope restored
Now and forever
You are my great reward

I won't demand to know the reasons
For my suffering
These open hands will trust Your wisdom
Beyond what I see

Help me to know You are God, I am not
Remind my soul You're in control

Praise to the Father
With every breath I take
In joy and sorrow
All for Your kingdom's sake
Be Thou my vision
Be Thou my hope restored
Now and forever
You are my great reward
Oh Lord, my great reward

I know this is dangerous
Daring just to pray this
I will trust You Lord
The rock throughout the ages
You make me courageous
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord

I know this is dangerous
Daring just to pray this
I will trust You Lord
Help me trust You Lord
The rock throughout the ages
You make me courageous
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord

In a recent meeting with the pastor of the congregation that I'm apart of, I revealed my story.  I did this for the purpose of giving up my story, and trading in fear for purpose, for God to use it as He wanted.  As some people would see this as coming out, I see it as breaking free from the fear of embarrassment or misunderstandings. The purpose finally outweighed the fear.  I am asking God to use me.  I don't know how He may do this, or what problems I will face, and I make no mistake in thinking that I am at all worthy to ask Him such a honor.  I have only given it to Him, by way of not keeping it from His use any longer.
So my pastor (moving backwards), He asked me a simple question towards the end of our meeting.  He asked me what would I say to someone who has studied the Bible, loves God, and prayed earnestly for redemption and transformation (as I have experienced in my life), but is met by silence from God?  What would I say to someone who says that they want to not be gay anymore because they don't want to sin against God, but God does not answer them? 
I admit I was a little scatter-brained at the meeting, but my first reaction was: They don't have enough faith, and are not ready for God to take them, mold them in the way He wants. 
I left feeling unsatisfied with my cold and insensitive answer, no matter how bluntly accurate it may have been, at the least it was incomplete.
I later wrote an email to address this question again to the pastor, and told him that my reply was lacking.  Instead this is how I would reply to someone with that question:

"Why have you given up trying, and what exactly are the results that you are hoping for?   

If you are trying to get rid of these feelings, then that will never work.  For the same reason that you can't make an illness go away by treating the symptoms.  I am not calling YOU an illness by any means, but what we all deal with within our human nature (sin, and the temptation to sin).  

And what is the alternative to trying, giving up? Giving in?  What are you giving up?  Do you hold onto your conviction of the same truth, or has your mind been swayed?  If so, why has it been swayed?  Is it the struggle that has worn you down.  Don't feel bad about who you are or how you feel.  God has not condemned you for any of these feelings. There is a freedom in grace, so don't stress yourself by the things that you can't control, or little ways you step back.  We all step backward, but it's the fact that we keep trying to go forward that means you and I are making progress.  We can't do it without God.  If you believe still that God knows you, loves you, and wants what is best for you more than anything or anyone else in the world could ever...Hold on to that.  Have faith in that.  And know that even though you can't see it, each step that you take forward with His help, you are changing.  And all the steps back cannot undo that change.  He is an excellent planner.  Test Him in the little things in your life, let him turn water into wine so-to-speak.  This will increase your faith that you matter to Him and your awareness of His work inside your everyday life.  Trust in this truth: Whenever you call out to God for His help to overcome a sinful behavior or to make yourself more in His likeness, the answer is always, Yes.  

I might also include a brief story about my ongoing prayer and problem at home with my abusive dad.  My prayers were never answered the way in which I presumed or the way I wanted.  Mostly the wait was unbearable...My giving up would be suicide.  I didn't need anyone to tell me that I would also be giving up on God at that point.  So what does stop trying, or giving up mean to you?"

 I also mentioned just how important a support team of people whom you trust are key to any form of recovery.

I know, I sound like an infomercial, and I apologize if you thought by reading my last post that I was going to write a exegetical study or scripture analysis on here.  I will be into that at some point, but if that was what you were waiting for, you probably already have your mind made up about it anyway.
Here's a Bible verse for you, Proverbs 18:2 "Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinions."

I want to talk about the song (lyrics posted at the beginning). This is my heart right there, completely described.  I am not a saint or a very good role model, but when push comes to push harder, I am on my knees before God's throne.  I know my place, in relation to Him, and I think that is the one thing I try to never forget.  

Three things that anyone who identifies themselves as a believer or Christian in some form can agree on.

1)God is good 

"Good" in that statement remains somewhat subjective, but we still hold to the idea He is.

2) God loves everyone 

(Well, I suppose Westboro church might include an exception list, but they are a minority)

3) We have all failed to reach Heaven on our own.

These are pretty much without debate within God's Church as a whole. 

My decision to try through the trials of homosexual desire, and allow God the painful ability to remake me in His image is also based on these three core beliefs. 

I am the clay and He is the potter. Or at least that is the idea.  As you read this blog and scavenge through my older postings, it's very obvious that I still struggle with desires and obedience.  I might get all churchy on you, and say that this is not my perfected body yet, and all have fallen short of the Glory of God.  But the reality is most of the time now, I am not oblivious to my sins. I don't think that makes me a better person, but rather I am just more self aware. I feel the guilt consistently as an aftertaste. 

My need for God has not lessoned, because He has helped me many times. I still live here.  This is not Heaven. Although, my happiness is important to Him, I am not always sure what will make me happy. 

I love what Tim Timmons said at the beginning of that video.  He said (paraphrasing) that he had a revelation: What if God was enough? Enough to go through so much pain, so much death, so many trials, and hell on earth? What if He was enough? His love, His presence, His ultimate reward of Heaven? What if all that was enough?

And then he said, it's not, or at least it doesn't feel that way when you are going through it.  It feels awful, and many would do anything or say anything if they just knew it would stop -Immediately.

But Tim sings this song anyway, signifying the struggle to try and change his own heart to be more than what he is.

Praise to the Father
With every breath I take
In joy and sorrow
All for Your kingdom's sake
Be Thou my vision
Be Thou my hope restored
Now and forever
You are my great reward
Oh, my great reward

TIM TIMMONS - Great Reward: Song Sessions

Trying to Find Answers

[Inspiration comes in many different forms. I have to admit I have been inspired several months to write again, but every time I would somehow busy myself and forget about it.  The result was a later nagging with regret and guilt from not listening to call the first time. 
There is a certain sense of pride that comes from completion.  Although my Living Testimony will not be completed until my death, it cries out to me often to add more.
This time, I did not ignore it.]

Cancer.  Tim Timmons talks about coping with the difficulty of talking to his children about his terminal illness.  I can't even fathom just how that conversation would go down.  I am just thankful for the fact that it isn't me. 
That sounds pretty harsh, doesn't it?  But be honest with yourself.  We all know someone who has died of cancer, or perhaps was able to go into remission.  Remission, we call it that because it's never positively gone.  It's hiding. Waiting.
We love those who we have lost to cancer, but most of us were never ready to go in their place.
I identify with his song "Great Reward", as do many others who have never experienced the deadly C, but yet we all know how trying life can be.  "Trying", I can't believe that I just used that word.  The word "trial" does not adequately describe what life is like when it feels so hopeless, so hellish.  And yet, why do we use that word?
A "trial" is defined as:
a test of the performance, qualities, or suitability of someone or something.

Come to think of it, many people who use the word, trying or trial, are God-believers in some form. (I say these things not to inform you the reader, but just to share my discoveries as I write it down.)

All that, just to say that I have a trial that I live with almost every day. 
Many say that it doesn't have to be a trial.  Even in my Christian church family there are those that say that it shouldn't be considered a hardship.  I am speaking of my same-sex attraction, of course (see previous posts if you are lost with that).
This, idea, is disheartening.  I don't blame them for wanting to believe it.  We all want to believe that our loved ones who do not appear to live wicked lives, and who also would even love Jesus Christ and choose Him as their Savior, would not be damned to hell for loving someone more than they should.  After all it doesn't make sense why God would make up such a insensitive and illogical law for his people to obey.  Doesn't He want us to be happy?  Doesn't He want us to feel loved and not to be alone?  Why would something like a physical feature or our anatomy be enough to dictate on who we should or should not love or marry?
These questions are asked before we examine the Bible for answers, and nobody is wrong for asking them. 

(Continued in Part 2 tomorrow)