Things I Left Unsaid

This post is a response to a couple of people in my life that have referred to me as a "stalker" or told me that I hold on too long to an already dying friendship:
I have let these comments about me circle and simmer in my brain for a long time, giving them merit and believing that there was something truly wrong with my behavior -Not anymore.
If you want to call me a "stalker" for being there for you even though you're still holding onto anger and resentment against me, then so be it.  I will not change into the alternative; an uncaring, apathetic, or even resentful person who gives in and gives up on a friendship that I value, and another person whom I love and want to show that unconditionally.
  It might be something that you're not used to. It might make you uncomfortable because there's no one who has ever done that for you in your life.  I am that person who will chase after you when you decide to hide away from everybody. I am that person who will stand nearby so you know that you're not alone. I will be there when you need someone, not just me, but anyone at all who will listen.  I will not run away just because you lash out in anger. I will stand where you tell me I can. 
I am not a mind-reader. If you want distance, then all you have to do is say so.
  I will not allow myself to believe that loving unconditionally and holding on is wrong.  I understand that it is strange or is not something that you're used to. I understand that you are hurting and need time to sort it out.   When you need me, I will be here still waiting, and with open arms, knowing that it makes me weird, "creepy", and different.  I don't care if it does. Because I treat others the way I want to be treated, and I don't know any other way to love. 

Control Issues (Today's Journal Entry)

What a fool I've been,
Holding onto a life that I never should've had,
Hanging onto my anxiety while your hands were always there to hold me.
I know, I know, that you are in control
It doesn't matter if I believe it.
It doesn't matter if I live it the way you want me to.
Your ways are constant,
Your power supreme.
So why do I hold onto my worry?
Why do I hold onto lost things and  closed doors?
Why do I concern myself with all the past that I can't change?
You were with me, I can see that now. You were there all along,
You are in control.
I can see your hands into everything: my friends, my money, my job
You're working.  You've worked.
And yet I still hold on,
Like it's up to me.
You are in control of everything, I've seen it!
And I guess the only thing I have left to do today is to
let it go.

Today Marks the End of An Age

The age of sulking is over. I'm done.
Say goodbye to the depression and feelings of hopelessness.  I will not put myself in a box and label it "Creep".  I am not that.  I will not shy away from or slouch from my current position, just because it makes others uncomfortable.  I am physically and emotionally attracted to females sometimes and that doesn't make me anything more than just another human.  I am not a sinner when I get aroused by a beautiful woman.  I will not flaunt it like some heterosexual women do, (married or not) posting pictures with a sexy guy and his shirt off  and cat calling about it (Come on, ladies, you know you do).  But I refuse to live confined to the shadows for fear that my "brothers and sisters in Christ" might find me disgusting or a predator of some kind.  This kind of life...This kind of sulking has lead me to seek out non-Christian approval and friendships.  Approval from the opposition. Friendships that are not bad in themselves, but paired with my already lonely heart, their council is going to pull me further out to sea; when obviously I am starting to drift already.  I think this is one of  the many reasons why others who have fought this temptation have failed, because (Damn it!) God's church has made them feel like an outsider, or (at best) a very good liar.
I will no longer apologize for my feelings.  I feel them; they are real to me and there is no guarantee that they will cease.  I am not gay.  I am not a lesbian or bisexual.  Those are labels for other people to use if they choose.  And if they choose to use them on me, then that's their choice, not mine.  This is not pride.  This is courage.  This is the truth.  I will not sulk anymore for things that I cannot change.

Trying (Part 2)

I trust in You for every heartbeat
As long as I'm alive
Your love endures when I wake
And when I close my eyes

Help me to know You are God, I am not
Remind my soul You're in control

Praise to the Father
With every breath I take
In joy and sorrow
All for Your kingdom's sake
Be Thou my vision
Be Thou my hope restored
Now and forever
You are my great reward

I won't demand to know the reasons
For my suffering
These open hands will trust Your wisdom
Beyond what I see

Help me to know You are God, I am not
Remind my soul You're in control

Praise to the Father
With every breath I take
In joy and sorrow
All for Your kingdom's sake
Be Thou my vision
Be Thou my hope restored
Now and forever
You are my great reward
Oh Lord, my great reward

I know this is dangerous
Daring just to pray this
I will trust You Lord
The rock throughout the ages
You make me courageous
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord

I know this is dangerous
Daring just to pray this
I will trust You Lord
Help me trust You Lord
The rock throughout the ages
You make me courageous
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord

In a recent meeting with the pastor of the congregation that I'm apart of, I revealed my story.  I did this for the purpose of giving up my story, and trading in fear for purpose, for God to use it as He wanted.  As some people would see this as coming out, I see it as breaking free from the fear of embarrassment or misunderstandings. The purpose finally outweighed the fear.  I am asking God to use me.  I don't know how He may do this, or what problems I will face, and I make no mistake in thinking that I am at all worthy to ask Him such a honor.  I have only given it to Him, by way of not keeping it from His use any longer.
So my pastor (moving backwards), He asked me a simple question towards the end of our meeting.  He asked me what would I say to someone who has studied the Bible, loves God, and prayed earnestly for redemption and transformation (as I have experienced in my life), but is met by silence from God?  What would I say to someone who says that they want to not be gay anymore because they don't want to sin against God, but God does not answer them? 
I admit I was a little scatter-brained at the meeting, but my first reaction was: They don't have enough faith, and are not ready for God to take them, mold them in the way He wants. 
I left feeling unsatisfied with my cold and insensitive answer, no matter how bluntly accurate it may have been, at the least it was incomplete.
I later wrote an email to address this question again to the pastor, and told him that my reply was lacking.  Instead this is how I would reply to someone with that question:

"Why have you given up trying, and what exactly are the results that you are hoping for?   

If you are trying to get rid of these feelings, then that will never work.  For the same reason that you can't make an illness go away by treating the symptoms.  I am not calling YOU an illness by any means, but what we all deal with within our human nature (sin, and the temptation to sin).  

And what is the alternative to trying, giving up? Giving in?  What are you giving up?  Do you hold onto your conviction of the same truth, or has your mind been swayed?  If so, why has it been swayed?  Is it the struggle that has worn you down.  Don't feel bad about who you are or how you feel.  God has not condemned you for any of these feelings. There is a freedom in grace, so don't stress yourself by the things that you can't control, or little ways you step back.  We all step backward, but it's the fact that we keep trying to go forward that means you and I are making progress.  We can't do it without God.  If you believe still that God knows you, loves you, and wants what is best for you more than anything or anyone else in the world could ever...Hold on to that.  Have faith in that.  And know that even though you can't see it, each step that you take forward with His help, you are changing.  And all the steps back cannot undo that change.  He is an excellent planner.  Test Him in the little things in your life, let him turn water into wine so-to-speak.  This will increase your faith that you matter to Him and your awareness of His work inside your everyday life.  Trust in this truth: Whenever you call out to God for His help to overcome a sinful behavior or to make yourself more in His likeness, the answer is always, Yes.  

I might also include a brief story about my ongoing prayer and problem at home with my abusive dad.  My prayers were never answered the way in which I presumed or the way I wanted.  Mostly the wait was unbearable...My giving up would be suicide.  I didn't need anyone to tell me that I would also be giving up on God at that point.  So what does stop trying, or giving up mean to you?"

 I also mentioned just how important a support team of people whom you trust are key to any form of recovery.

I know, I sound like an infomercial, and I apologize if you thought by reading my last post that I was going to write a exegetical study or scripture analysis on here.  I will be into that at some point, but if that was what you were waiting for, you probably already have your mind made up about it anyway.
Here's a Bible verse for you, Proverbs 18:2 "Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinions."

I want to talk about the song (lyrics posted at the beginning). This is my heart right there, completely described.  I am not a saint or a very good role model, but when push comes to push harder, I am on my knees before God's throne.  I know my place, in relation to Him, and I think that is the one thing I try to never forget.  

Three things that anyone who identifies themselves as a believer or Christian in some form can agree on.

1)God is good 

"Good" in that statement remains somewhat subjective, but we still hold to the idea He is.

2) God loves everyone 

(Well, I suppose Westboro church might include an exception list, but they are a minority)

3) We have all failed to reach Heaven on our own.

These are pretty much without debate within God's Church as a whole. 

My decision to try through the trials of homosexual desire, and allow God the painful ability to remake me in His image is also based on these three core beliefs. 

I am the clay and He is the potter. Or at least that is the idea.  As you read this blog and scavenge through my older postings, it's very obvious that I still struggle with desires and obedience.  I might get all churchy on you, and say that this is not my perfected body yet, and all have fallen short of the Glory of God.  But the reality is most of the time now, I am not oblivious to my sins. I don't think that makes me a better person, but rather I am just more self aware. I feel the guilt consistently as an aftertaste. 

My need for God has not lessoned, because He has helped me many times. I still live here.  This is not Heaven. Although, my happiness is important to Him, I am not always sure what will make me happy. 

I love what Tim Timmons said at the beginning of that video.  He said (paraphrasing) that he had a revelation: What if God was enough? Enough to go through so much pain, so much death, so many trials, and hell on earth? What if He was enough? His love, His presence, His ultimate reward of Heaven? What if all that was enough?

And then he said, it's not, or at least it doesn't feel that way when you are going through it.  It feels awful, and many would do anything or say anything if they just knew it would stop -Immediately.

But Tim sings this song anyway, signifying the struggle to try and change his own heart to be more than what he is.

Praise to the Father
With every breath I take
In joy and sorrow
All for Your kingdom's sake
Be Thou my vision
Be Thou my hope restored
Now and forever
You are my great reward
Oh, my great reward

TIM TIMMONS - Great Reward: Song Sessions

Trying to Find Answers

[Inspiration comes in many different forms. I have to admit I have been inspired several months to write again, but every time I would somehow busy myself and forget about it.  The result was a later nagging with regret and guilt from not listening to call the first time. 
There is a certain sense of pride that comes from completion.  Although my Living Testimony will not be completed until my death, it cries out to me often to add more.
This time, I did not ignore it.]

Cancer.  Tim Timmons talks about coping with the difficulty of talking to his children about his terminal illness.  I can't even fathom just how that conversation would go down.  I am just thankful for the fact that it isn't me. 
That sounds pretty harsh, doesn't it?  But be honest with yourself.  We all know someone who has died of cancer, or perhaps was able to go into remission.  Remission, we call it that because it's never positively gone.  It's hiding. Waiting.
We love those who we have lost to cancer, but most of us were never ready to go in their place.
I identify with his song "Great Reward", as do many others who have never experienced the deadly C, but yet we all know how trying life can be.  "Trying", I can't believe that I just used that word.  The word "trial" does not adequately describe what life is like when it feels so hopeless, so hellish.  And yet, why do we use that word?
A "trial" is defined as:
a test of the performance, qualities, or suitability of someone or something.

Come to think of it, many people who use the word, trying or trial, are God-believers in some form. (I say these things not to inform you the reader, but just to share my discoveries as I write it down.)

All that, just to say that I have a trial that I live with almost every day. 
Many say that it doesn't have to be a trial.  Even in my Christian church family there are those that say that it shouldn't be considered a hardship.  I am speaking of my same-sex attraction, of course (see previous posts if you are lost with that).
This, idea, is disheartening.  I don't blame them for wanting to believe it.  We all want to believe that our loved ones who do not appear to live wicked lives, and who also would even love Jesus Christ and choose Him as their Savior, would not be damned to hell for loving someone more than they should.  After all it doesn't make sense why God would make up such a insensitive and illogical law for his people to obey.  Doesn't He want us to be happy?  Doesn't He want us to feel loved and not to be alone?  Why would something like a physical feature or our anatomy be enough to dictate on who we should or should not love or marry?
These questions are asked before we examine the Bible for answers, and nobody is wrong for asking them. 

(Continued in Part 2 tomorrow)

Just Another Day

So many events have happened since I last wrote.  My son, an 8 year old, was almost kicked out of school.  My daughter, less than 8, was caught dressing inappropriately at church -Luckily it was by her parents and no one else.  I chose to reach out to a professional about a problem with temptation that I was facing almost everyday at work.  Dependence on God has been at an all time high in my marriage, in my bank account, and with my extended family issues.  And the list goes on...

But today during some downtime at work, I wrote this:

Dear God, 

(I actually started this prayer by calling God,  "a sly dog", - My actual words were, "Oh, you sly dog."  However, in rethinking my words, I realize that was impulsive and could be considered disrespectful by others....I'm sure God had a chuckle though.")

Here I sit feeling not anxious - not really worried either.  

I guess the best way to explain it would be, ungrounded or ...

disordered? 

I feel like a nomad or gypsy, never sure of what will happen next.  Yet always knowing ....

I will still be here.  I will still be alive.  

You like it that way though.

You like me depending on you more than what I have done or am doing.  

More than being thankful for the blessings, you like me to be waiting on you, and to always remember just where all blessings stem from.

You want me to rely on you.

You desire my dependence more than my happiness.

How unlike a human parent that is.  

When all of the other comparisons seem to work.  

You are the parent that never wants to let go.   

And we are the child that could never out grow our need for you. 

Answers

42.


This title "Answers", implies that I have some, when in fact, I just have conclusions..  But as you can see from the example of "42", a valid conclusion might be more valuable than an actual answer.

After all, we aren't solving for "y" here.  The big question is can a "gay" person still be a "saved" person?
Or to put it differently, "Can you be gay and still be a Christian?"

My conclusion is "Yes."

I know some of you are scratching your heads, and even more of you are shaking your heads, but I challenge you and your convictions/morals/principles to finish what we started last month, and hear me out.  I promise, I'm not trying to get in your head and brainwash you.  It was not that long ago that I was sitting where you are today, ready to change the channel.  But I need you to hold on for a little while and listen, because what I have to say is not just from me, but God's spirit that lives in me,  Test it and see that these things I'm about to tell you are true and valuable.

First off, we talked a little about the definition of "gay" last time, and how the Christian definition of "Homosexuality" verses the world's term "gay", do not match to mean the same.  "Gay" meaning a person who is a certain way, and a "homosexual" meaning a person who does a certain action.

All of this seems very technical, but it isn't.  The fact is, whether we want to admit to it or not, we all label people "gay" or "homosexual" the same way.  (When I say, "we" I mean Christians.)  Example: If you walk into your local Wal-Mart and there's a male greeter there that has a particular inflection in his voice when he says, "Hello, welcome!" or "Have a good day."  Or perhaps it's the ear studs, or the obviously dyed hair that he has given extra care to.  All of these characteristics are stereo types, and yet, without much hesitation you have formed an opinion about this man.  You believe him to be "gay".
So I ask you, was he engaging in a romantic action involving another male?  No, of course not.  He was a door greeter at Wal-Mart (surprisingly) doing his job.  It's even possible that if your assumptions under the world's definition of the word "gay" is actually correct, He might still be a virgin.  Maybe not even been out on a date with anyone, male or female, ever before.  But still you have written this man off, and so condemned him with just a thought.

 7If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’^a you would not have condemned the innocent.  -Matt 12 (NIV)

We frown on the whole West Boro Church and their "God Hates Fags" message.  They are the fanatics and we are more civil than that in our assessment.  Actually, we would not even compare ourselves to them, because doing what we ought, we say, "We love everyone just as God loves everyone and tells us to...(that's right!) love everyone."   I agree that "loving" someone does not mean that you agree with everything they do, or that you would even wish (or have to) be their friend.  Although, thinking someone is doomed to hell, even before you really know them, seems pretty close to our fanatic friends message.  Almost like saying, "God loves you.  I love you.  But you're still gonna fry someday."  I guess, saying "God hates Fags" just saves on lettering.  Oh and we support our troops... (that's a topic for another day).

The point is we are all guilty in this.  And yet we feel justified in our judgement even when someone points it out to us,  How many times have we all heard, "Sin is sin. They are all the same." but we don't live that way, do we?  We don't even think that way.  Our words don't match our thoughts at all, and I know this is true because we let the sin that is in our own life slide.  But if someone treats me bad or murders or kidnaps or steals or rapes  -nope, they are worse than me.  Paul the apostle admitted to himself, God, and others in and out of the church that he was the "worst" (1Tim 1:15-16).  There have been some that try to discredit the Epistles because of this, but the church as a whole continues to believe that the epistles are to be considered as much God's word, as anything else that has been canonized within the Bible.  I'm sure that there are some that even rattle off those words that Paul wrote about himself while having a moment of clarity and spirit-filled conviction thinking to themselves, well...he's just being hard on himself, and besides he's different now.  Paul was right.  He was the worst.  So am I.  So are you, as we all are.  Because a sin, one sin, (no matter what it is) is enough to keep you from Heaven.

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  -John 8:7 (NIV)

My son is eight years old now, but has been talking about baptism for most of his verbal life.  We decided to postpone his baptism for different reasons at different stages in his young life.  My husband and I were both immersed when we were really young and didn't understand much about our decision or the commitment that we were making (not that we regret it) and we just didn't want him to feel the same later on.  One of our many discussions that my hyper inquisitive son has engaged us in, has been about what will his new life be like, as a Christian?  Talking about the Christian life and us becoming a "new creation", helped to learn a lot about the misconceptions that can arise from what is observed at church, and what is written in the Bible.  For instance:  The idea that after your baptism, you will be made perfect and will never sin again.  Well, although this seems obvious to the rest of us adults (hopefully) that this is NOT true, we do see some evidence of people with in the church that still believe that God more than wants us to be perfect, he expects it.  And for those that do not reach this ideal of "Christian living", the road is narrow at best.  For the grace of God can only extend, but so far before it gives up on you.   ---This is not true.  If you think that you are better than your brother and that you are without sin (even a recent wrong done), think again.  Either we are saved by Grace or we are saved by our right living (perfection), it can not be both.  Grace doesn't leave room for both explanations.

Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men^[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. ¹¹ And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 
-1 Corinthians 6:9 (NIV)

Every time you avoid a bum on the street, who's begging for change, and you say " Sorry, I don't have any" as you shove your hands in your pockets and walk away, perhaps feeling the clink of a couple quarters and/or crinkle of a few dollars and that you could have done without.  -That's a sin.
Every time you give away a secret that a friend confided in you, or some juicy gossip that you heard, in the name of  a "prayer request" and request it to all your friends that are on your cell phone list, it's a sin.
Perhaps your sin is in your debt to a company that you owe, and you've been trying to tell them you can't pay right now, but they won't take "No" for an answer- so you make a promise to call back, knowing that you actually have no intention to do so.
And the list goes on from there....
I know these sins seem minuscule.  I know I appear to be knit-picking or looking for loop-holes, but what I'm trying to establish is the framework for grace.  Some of us, Christians, have forgotten that we still need grace.  We have not been saved by our good deeds, and just because we are "saved" doesn't mean we're perfect.  So if, we are saved and not perfect, and all sin is sin and keeps us from God without the sacrifice of Christ- and "gays" are  still gay and Christian, then couldn't we believe that they could be "saved" as well?

I used to smirk at the term "Gay-Christian", or hearing that someone is a Christian, believes and worships God, and yet claims to be gay - I just found something funny about that.  It seemed artificial, like a made up religion.  Oh sure, they worship Jesus, but it can't be the Jesus of the Bible, because what they are doing is wrong - and they're justifying it.  Justifying...yep, that seems to be something common to all of us.  I guess you could say that "justifying" could keep us from grace.  It keeps us from forgiving, and it can keep us from feeling our need for God.  SO is that what I'm doing here?  On behalf of all gay Christians everywhere, am I justifying their sinful behavior?  No, certainly not.  But I am convinced that it is possible to worship the same Jesus, the same God, and find yourself repenting of sin in your life, all while still "justifying" a sin that you are unwilling or perhaps unready to give up.  Because any kind of growth is a process, even Christian growth through the Spirit.  But we can rest at ease with the knowledge of God's perfect timing for each of our lives.  He knows what's wrong and He knows just when we are ready to be approached to fix it.

It's hard to admit to myself, but I was this way once.  I didn't have all the double-talk and Biblical misunderstandings to back myself up on - in fact, I knew that homosexuality (meaning romantic relations with the same sex) was wrong, but that knowledge didn't stop my mind from wandering.  I know I've stated it here before, but for those who don't know me, I grew up Christian.  I was indoctrinated and a sold out believer from the very beginnings of my life.  I was baptised at the age seven and again at fifteen because I was afraid that I made that decision for the wrong reasons ( or rather I didn't understand) the first time.  I wanted to be sure.  But it wasn't until college that I started to be honest with myself and more importantly with God about my problem.  This is strange to think about because I can still remember exact instances when I was sitting in church (trying to concentrate on the sermon) praying that a girl in my youth group loved me too.  (I had a crush -pretty bad).  How delusional was I, to believe that that would be acceptable to pray about.  But God and I were close, I told him everything - I shared everything that was in my heart or on my mind.  ....But I just refused to consider that I was doing anything wrong.  My youth minister prompted the utmost respect for God and reaching for holiness in our lives, and my heart hung on every syllable, every word.  The Bible convicted me time and time again of my sin, and I would repent and ask God to forgive, but I wouldn't touch that part of my life.  I kept it close, but I kept hidden.

I know God cares about even the hidden sin that it is in our lives.  He wants us to be free, not shackled and bogged down by worldly desires and things that would damage our body and/ or mind.  God doesn't make up these rules to keep us controlled, anymore than a parent would tell their child not to stand on a chair -just to be controlling to them.  It's about safety.  It's about freedom, and it's about love.

God is love.
I hear that alot from the other side( the "gay-Christian" side).  And it would normally make me smirk, but not anymore.  I think they may have things confused in their lives, but they got that one spot on.  He is love, and that love is what draws us all to Him.  And it should be what teaches us all how to be like Christ to each other, to be a "Christian".  And if there is an answer to be had here: it is that.  Love.

. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17This is my command: Love each other.   -John15 (NIV)