As I mentioned before now, it is my desire to be able to share what my life is like in the present tense eventually. ... I think this is a good time to give you a glimpse of my the issues I deal with on somewhat regular basis. Some days go better than others (I think that's true for most of us.)
I have a wonderful husband (Drew) as I've mentioned before. He knows all about me. I told him most of what I have told you before we were married. Things I thought and I swore to myself that I would never be able to say to my husband. His reaction was not what I expected.
He loved me all the more.
So we have two wonderful, smart, funny, and completely healthy kiddos. And everyday I feel so undeserving of my place in their lives. I love them so dearly as I'm convinced any mother would.
Even calling myself a "Mom" was a wow moment for me.
I think most people misunderstand when I say that.
I know it's amazing enough to bring a life into the world. And the first time your child calls out to you by name ("Mommy")...There's enough warmth to melt an iceberg.
However, the reaction is even greater to me in the way of finally hearing a title such as that given to me. ME!!? I'm a "Mom"? It's easier now but I'm still learning to grasp onto that. Don't forget that just believing that I'm a whole woman was a difficult concept not all that long ago.
I was terrified when I was pregnant that the baby would come out wrong... because of me. Somehow even after being married for 3 years I still was not a complete believer. I had trouble with breast feeding. I know that this is typical of many new mothers, but I was still nervous about my lack of potential. Nervous is an understatement. I was a mess!
I wanted the best for my beautiful baby and I was not a hundred percent sure that I was it.
I still worry about the day that they discover my "secret".
All I can do is my best.
I know that this isn't flowing very well tonight....
I don't care. This is gritty. This is real.
Today:
My husband works overnights 4 times a week.
I have trouble sleeping on a regular schedule while he is working. Sometimes (like today) he comes home and makes breakfast for the kids to let me sleep longer. (Because he's a sweetheart)
Later he came to bed and it was time for me to get up and take over. This is a typical daily routine for us.
When he came to bed this time, I told him how lonely I've been feeling. How I know that God has been working on me lately. He finally broke through my barriers again on Saturday night while I practiced for morning worship.
So I had been trying extra hard to keep my thoughts pure (yes, I still struggle with this), but I am realizing that I associate sex with love. It makes sense with every psychology course I've taken. They all say that women have sex to be loved and men love to have sex..;) or something like that.
Anyway, somewhere in midst of that deep revelation we ended up testing our theory by making love to each other.
Later...I got up to get dressed to go downstairs and see what the kids were up to. Drew turned to me and said, "Well, at least that might hold off your loneliness and fantasies for awhile. Right?".
My heart broke.
I replied, "Honey, I want you to know..none of my problems with my thought life or temptations in that area are your fault. It has NOTHING to do with us."
I said, "We could have sex 5 times a day 7 days a week and I would still be tempted to wander. It's completely selfish every time I give in and I don't want you to ever feel guilty over my sin."
"It's not your fault."
There's more to say about this day...I haven't even gotten to the "rough" part. But I'm still debating just how honest I'm willing to be on here. Up till now, I was only using past tense. That was easy, because it left you thinking of me like this is a thing of only my past and now I'm better. It's true. I'm different, and later I will need to back up to talk about that change more. Truthfully, I just couldn't write about that tonight.
To be honest, I'm disgusted with myself. Not for being attracted to women so much (that's old news), but for letting my lowlife Father get to me like that. That doesn't sound like I'm honoring my parents very well, I know. I'm not saying it's right.
I know that I am so afraid that everyone is on their way to leaving me and not loving me anymore. I'm paranoid that everyone is two-faced just like him. My mind still secretly buys into the lie that it's my fault.
It's my fault.... that he got angry and said and did those things...not just to me but also to my mother. I feel cursed. This attraction issue just makes that feeling worse.
This is the truth.
If anyone still reads this...prayers are appreciated.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
memory loss
This blog can no longer be a detailed history lesson into my life. I don't remember the sequence of events in relation to the changes going on inside me. Like watching a plant grow, the changes happen insigficantly, but after awhile you can't help but look back and say something is different.
In random moments of reminiscing with my Mom about childhood, my Kindergarten crush came up.
I told my Mom just how much I liked him and ooh how cute he was... but he didn't even notice me. I was just like another boy to him. My Mom replied, "No, no Kayt. That's not true. He liked you a lot too. I remember that much." She went to the garage and in a box she pulled out her proof. It was a hand drawn picture of what was to be him and I dressed in our best. We were getting married. The words "together forever" written across the sky above us.
I tried to argue that I must have drawn it. Just another proof of my patheic ways that I fell for a boy that didn't care for me.
She stopped me and pointed to the back of the page which said, "To: Kayt (with hearts) From: John Mark" (in kindergarten handwriting).
Why did I remember those events so differently?
When did I begin to rewrite my history?
Why did these scales fall over my eyes?
At what point did the face in the mirror become ugly?
Sorry, this one is stubby but tomorrow is another day. I can't wait till I can just write to you all about my day that I had today...sigh* It will be here soon enough.
I'm always rushing through to the next step in life. But then I miss out on all the beauty and mystery along the way.
Gotta remember to slow ...d___o___w___N.
Enjoy your beautiful and mysterious weekend!
Take time out to do something different.
Break up the routine and...
Don't rush it.
In random moments of reminiscing with my Mom about childhood, my Kindergarten crush came up.
I told my Mom just how much I liked him and ooh how cute he was... but he didn't even notice me. I was just like another boy to him. My Mom replied, "No, no Kayt. That's not true. He liked you a lot too. I remember that much." She went to the garage and in a box she pulled out her proof. It was a hand drawn picture of what was to be him and I dressed in our best. We were getting married. The words "together forever" written across the sky above us.
I tried to argue that I must have drawn it. Just another proof of my patheic ways that I fell for a boy that didn't care for me.
She stopped me and pointed to the back of the page which said, "To: Kayt (with hearts) From: John Mark" (in kindergarten handwriting).
Why did I remember those events so differently?
When did I begin to rewrite my history?
Why did these scales fall over my eyes?
At what point did the face in the mirror become ugly?
Sorry, this one is stubby but tomorrow is another day. I can't wait till I can just write to you all about my day that I had today...sigh* It will be here soon enough.
I'm always rushing through to the next step in life. But then I miss out on all the beauty and mystery along the way.
Gotta remember to slow ...d___o___w___N.
Enjoy your beautiful and mysterious weekend!
Take time out to do something different.
Break up the routine and...
Don't rush it.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Shake it off
How do you remake yourself?
All the while still living in the same environment as you were before.
I started with the basics...STOP THE PRETENDING
This was hard but I knew it was something within my control whereas the image I saw in the mirror was not.
The game plan was simple but it needed to be. I established inside my head that the enemy was Satan for he was the one tempting me. And since no one was ever really there besides me and God listening to my dream world love life play out, my only assumption is that I was really fantasizing about loving him (Satan)instead. Since it was his trap set for me.
That made it easier but it was still hard to convince my mind that Satan and God were even there listening. It still seemed rather harmless.
I heard a sermon the other day from a preacher that I have grown to respect and listen to. He said something that really rung true. I wish I could quote him but I don't remember his exact words. It went something like...
We are most tempted to fall into sin at times when God seems less than real to us.
How hard it is to believe in something you cannot see, taste, smell, or touch. There are some who have said that they have heard His calling but what have they heard really??
And this reminds me of a comedy central bit. (It also spoke to my heart ;) A comedian was making a reference to men and the answer to the "why?" question that they most receive from women following their actions.
For the women out there...
The answer is always:
"I don't know... It seemed a good idea at the time."
He went on to say that if Bill Clinton would have been smarter he would have gave that answer about the Monica sex scandal.
Now picture this...
Interviewers asking:
"Mr President what were you thinking when your intern came into your private office and offered to perform oral sex with you?"
Bill answers:
"Well, I'm not sure, but.... it seemed like a good idea at the time."
And all the men in the room would say,
"Well, yes. Hmmm...He does make a very good point there."
So anyway..my point is..just like these last few short paragraphs show. It's hard to stay focused on that one thing that you know you shouldn't do but everything in your being is still saying that its okay. Who's gonna know about it anyway...
My physical defense measure became nothing more than a simple head shake. I couldn't let people in class hear me shout out NO SATAN! every time my mind would wander, now could I?
I still had questions and no solid answers about myself. That left me feeling isolated and alone. But I knew that I couldn't focus on the pain. Just like a runner, I would never finish the race that way. That was God's part to change.
Each day that went by made it easier to say no. Simply because I didn't want to start all over again.
Next post:
You know what's interesting? After the chills, shakes and headaches all begin to go away...And you finally "sober up", you begin to see all the stuff that you've been missing.
All the while still living in the same environment as you were before.
I started with the basics...STOP THE PRETENDING
This was hard but I knew it was something within my control whereas the image I saw in the mirror was not.
The game plan was simple but it needed to be. I established inside my head that the enemy was Satan for he was the one tempting me. And since no one was ever really there besides me and God listening to my dream world love life play out, my only assumption is that I was really fantasizing about loving him (Satan)instead. Since it was his trap set for me.
That made it easier but it was still hard to convince my mind that Satan and God were even there listening. It still seemed rather harmless.
I heard a sermon the other day from a preacher that I have grown to respect and listen to. He said something that really rung true. I wish I could quote him but I don't remember his exact words. It went something like...
We are most tempted to fall into sin at times when God seems less than real to us.
How hard it is to believe in something you cannot see, taste, smell, or touch. There are some who have said that they have heard His calling but what have they heard really??
And this reminds me of a comedy central bit. (It also spoke to my heart ;) A comedian was making a reference to men and the answer to the "why?" question that they most receive from women following their actions.
For the women out there...
The answer is always:
"I don't know... It seemed a good idea at the time."
He went on to say that if Bill Clinton would have been smarter he would have gave that answer about the Monica sex scandal.
Now picture this...
Interviewers asking:
"Mr President what were you thinking when your intern came into your private office and offered to perform oral sex with you?"
Bill answers:
"Well, I'm not sure, but.... it seemed like a good idea at the time."
And all the men in the room would say,
"Well, yes. Hmmm...He does make a very good point there."
So anyway..my point is..just like these last few short paragraphs show. It's hard to stay focused on that one thing that you know you shouldn't do but everything in your being is still saying that its okay. Who's gonna know about it anyway...
My physical defense measure became nothing more than a simple head shake. I couldn't let people in class hear me shout out NO SATAN! every time my mind would wander, now could I?
I still had questions and no solid answers about myself. That left me feeling isolated and alone. But I knew that I couldn't focus on the pain. Just like a runner, I would never finish the race that way. That was God's part to change.
Each day that went by made it easier to say no. Simply because I didn't want to start all over again.
Next post:
You know what's interesting? After the chills, shakes and headaches all begin to go away...And you finally "sober up", you begin to see all the stuff that you've been missing.
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