A Rough Day

As I mentioned before now, it is my desire to be able to share what my life is like in the present tense eventually. ... I think this is a good time to give you a glimpse of my the issues I deal with on somewhat regular basis. Some days go better than others (I think that's true for most of us.)

I have a wonderful husband (Drew) as I've mentioned before. He knows all about me. I told him most of what I have told you before we were married. Things I thought and I swore to myself that I would never be able to say to my husband. His reaction was not what I expected.

He loved me all the more.

So we have two wonderful, smart, funny, and completely healthy kiddos. And everyday I feel so undeserving of my place in their lives. I love them so dearly as I'm convinced any mother would.
Even calling myself a "Mom" was a wow moment for me.
I think most people misunderstand when I say that.
I know it's amazing enough to bring a life into the world. And the first time your child calls out to you by name ("Mommy")...There's enough warmth to melt an iceberg.

However, the reaction is even greater to me in the way of finally hearing a title such as that given to me. ME!!? I'm a "Mom"? It's easier now but I'm still learning to grasp onto that. Don't forget that just believing that I'm a whole woman was a difficult concept not all that long ago.

I was terrified when I was pregnant that the baby would come out wrong... because of me. Somehow even after being married for 3 years I still was not a complete believer. I had trouble with breast feeding. I know that this is typical of many new mothers, but I was still nervous about my lack of potential. Nervous is an understatement. I was a mess!
I wanted the best for my beautiful baby and I was not a hundred percent sure that I was it.

I still worry about the day that they discover my "secret".
All I can do is my best.

I know that this isn't flowing very well tonight....
I don't care. This is gritty. This is real.

Today:

My husband works overnights 4 times a week.
I have trouble sleeping on a regular schedule while he is working. Sometimes (like today) he comes home and makes breakfast for the kids to let me sleep longer. (Because he's a sweetheart)
Later he came to bed and it was time for me to get up and take over. This is a typical daily routine for us.

When he came to bed this time, I told him how lonely I've been feeling. How I know that God has been working on me lately. He finally broke through my barriers again on Saturday night while I practiced for morning worship.
So I had been trying extra hard to keep my thoughts pure (yes, I still struggle with this), but I am realizing that I associate sex with love. It makes sense with every psychology course I've taken. They all say that women have sex to be loved and men love to have sex..;) or something like that.
Anyway, somewhere in midst of that deep revelation we ended up testing our theory by making love to each other.
Later...I got up to get dressed to go downstairs and see what the kids were up to. Drew turned to me and said, "Well, at least that might hold off your loneliness and fantasies for awhile. Right?".

My heart broke.
I replied, "Honey, I want you to know..none of my problems with my thought life or temptations in that area are your fault. It has NOTHING to do with us."
I said, "We could have sex 5 times a day 7 days a week and I would still be tempted to wander. It's completely selfish every time I give in and I don't want you to ever feel guilty over my sin."
"It's not your fault."

There's more to say about this day...I haven't even gotten to the "rough" part. But I'm still debating just how honest I'm willing to be on here. Up till now, I was only using past tense. That was easy, because it left you thinking of me like this is a thing of only my past and now I'm better. It's true. I'm different, and later I will need to back up to talk about that change more. Truthfully, I just couldn't write about that tonight.

To be honest, I'm disgusted with myself. Not for being attracted to women so much (that's old news), but for letting my lowlife Father get to me like that. That doesn't sound like I'm honoring my parents very well, I know. I'm not saying it's right.
I know that I am so afraid that everyone is on their way to leaving me and not loving me anymore. I'm paranoid that everyone is two-faced just like him. My mind still secretly buys into the lie that it's my fault.
It's my fault.... that he got angry and said and did those things...not just to me but also to my mother. I feel cursed. This attraction issue just makes that feeling worse.

This is the truth.

If anyone still reads this...prayers are appreciated.