Shake it off

How do you remake yourself?
All the while still living in the same environment as you were before.

I started with the basics...STOP THE PRETENDING

This was hard but I knew it was something within my control whereas the image I saw in the mirror was not.

The game plan was simple but it needed to be. I established inside my head that the enemy was Satan for he was the one tempting me. And since no one was ever really there besides me and God listening to my dream world love life play out, my only assumption is that I was really fantasizing about loving him (Satan)instead. Since it was his trap set for me.

That made it easier but it was still hard to convince my mind that Satan and God were even there listening. It still seemed rather harmless.

I heard a sermon the other day from a preacher that I have grown to respect and listen to. He said something that really rung true. I wish I could quote him but I don't remember his exact words. It went something like...

We are most tempted to fall into sin at times when God seems less than real to us.

How hard it is to believe in something you cannot see, taste, smell, or touch. There are some who have said that they have heard His calling but what have they heard really??

And this reminds me of a comedy central bit. (It also spoke to my heart ;) A comedian was making a reference to men and the answer to the "why?" question that they most receive from women following their actions.
For the women out there...
The answer is always:
"I don't know... It seemed a good idea at the time."

He went on to say that if Bill Clinton would have been smarter he would have gave that answer about the Monica sex scandal.
Now picture this...
Interviewers asking:
"Mr President what were you thinking when your intern came into your private office and offered to perform oral sex with you?"
Bill answers:
"Well, I'm not sure, but.... it seemed like a good idea at the time."
And all the men in the room would say,
"Well, yes. Hmmm...He does make a very good point there."

So anyway..my point is..just like these last few short paragraphs show. It's hard to stay focused on that one thing that you know you shouldn't do but everything in your being is still saying that its okay. Who's gonna know about it anyway...

My physical defense measure became nothing more than a simple head shake. I couldn't let people in class hear me shout out NO SATAN! every time my mind would wander, now could I?

I still had questions and no solid answers about myself. That left me feeling isolated and alone. But I knew that I couldn't focus on the pain. Just like a runner, I would never finish the race that way. That was God's part to change.

Each day that went by made it easier to say no. Simply because I didn't want to start all over again.


Next post:
You know what's interesting? After the chills, shakes and headaches all begin to go away...And you finally "sober up", you begin to see all the stuff that you've been missing.