Exposed & Expelled

Inspiration doesn't come easy and like wise for what I'm about to say.

Rosa was my first (besides my Mom, my husband, and possibly one friend who lived miles away). She was my first true confession.

We found each other and reconnected through Myspace and then later on Facebook as well. It had been so long since I had even thought about her. She had just become a childhood memory tainted by regret. I still cared about her (and not in a weird way). I always did.
She had a son now and that much I knew already. Also she wasn't married and I had no idea who the father was. I assumed that it had been a painful experience and never wanted to actually ask, but I did begin reading some of her special posts (I forget what they are called...notes?) on Myspace. I left a few comments of encouragement. It was never anything really amazingly profound, but just enough to let her know that I wasn't judgmental or even as uptight about these sort of things the way she might have assumed I was from our history together (i.e. youth group and Christian college).

I began to think that either she didn't check the site very much or (my paranoid self kicking in) she was snubbing me. However there were a couple (meaning 2) of occasions she did respond.

Rosa began to talk about her life very specifically laying out her feelings about the path that she now was taking, and what kind of woman she saw herself as. It was all very personal, I could tell. Especially, when she said, "I don't know why I am writing all this...Maybe I'm just tired and possibly a little tipsy." (paraphrase of actual words - not a quote) Drunk or not, it was nice to finally hear something real from her.

Finding her again brought up a lot of my past. My interactions with Rosa were confusing ...always confusing, and I still had so many unanswered questions. Since she was my longest ongoing "crush" that I had ever had on a girl, she really stood out as a clue to how I got to where I am today. I wanted to ask her. I had so many "why?" questions running through my head. I knew that there had to be a better way to find closure to this though. So I prayed about it.

Then I wrote this letter (via Myspace) to her.:
(This is the actual letter and not a paraphrase)

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I'm sry for the way I have been overreacting to everything or "nothing" that you have been saying to me ...I know this is crazy (or rather I am crazy) and I want to be honest with you finally about some stuff that might make you understand why I appear hypersensitive to our interactions...even now after many years have gone by..
this isn't easy to write I'm sry I'm stalling soo much BUT I'm tired of playing a guessing game in my mind...
here goes...*deep breath*
I had a "crush" on you in high school.
wow! that was really hard to type
Now, I'm not stupid...I know right from wrong...and there is more to the my story than this but I'm not sure that you'd really care to hear about it anyway.
I'm not gay, never thought I was (always been attracted to guys so can't relate to that)... I'm just weird..always weird (again -a story for another time)
I had so much more I was gonna say about this..something about how you are not the first person I've told about this temptation that I sometimes struggle with..and how I found it to be 'freeing" in a sense and that it also has brought accountability with it. I also could tell you all the stuff I have learned about myself since college when I made a real verbal heart-2-heart commitment to God to become the true "woman" that he created me to be and not to live my life by the way others may perceive me to be.
I wanted to remind you of our last real conversation in college that I remember - the one, that in turn made me not want to walk through your door again...(I told you about my Dad and how he "treated" me and all the stuff no one knew about my family and you wouldn't even look me in the eye...it was like I wasn't even there)
So bottom line...none of that stuff matters anymore...
I just want to stop second guessing of whether you could tell that I "liked" you and so you didn't ever want to really be that close to me..or if I'm just not cool enough..
I just don't want to think about it anymore..I want the air to be cleared and so I can take what you say or don't say @ face value and that's it.
oh yeah..and one more thing to throw in here (as if finding out that some "freak" girl that you went to church with had a crush on you wasn't it bad enough =P)
I also had a huge crush on NAME HAS BEEN REMOVED - what can I say he's all-around hottie right?- but when I found out you liked him too...Lol I was like, well, that's it for me...I don't even have a chance against Rosa.
Guess I will be hearing from you...or I won't
aside from all this- when I said, "I care/ed about you" that was the real deal nothing weird.... and I do.

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Rosa never responded. So after a few weeks I wrote to her again telling her how anxious I was becoming. Saying that I would rather her swear at me and call me names then to just not respond at all. Her only response to this was removing me from her friends list (first from Myspace then later from Facebook). Nothing more was said. And I had not expected that someone who now lived so far away, and had been removed from my life for so long with very little communication between us, could still hurt me this badly.

It made me feel even more "disgusting" than I ever had before.

And that is a good lead-off for my next post which will be about facing my own prejudices concerning homosexuals and the like.

See ya all next week.