Forbidden Love

"What do you say when sorry is not enough?" -Tre Williams (The Revelations)

Unexpectedly she catches my eye.  Unprepared I look away.  I don't want to stare so I look down at my feet.  My mind a mess with dialogue.  Both sides presenting a convincing case.  On one hand I know how I'm feeling right now and I don't want to give in to the thoughts or hint to the room how I'm feeling.  On the other hand, I'm a grown married woman and this is ridiculous for me to feel embarrassed  at appreciating the beauty of another lady.   Still debating my choices, I hear a voice next to me say "hello".  Stunned by the sudden friendliness from a stranger I say a late "hi:" and look up just in time to see her pass by.  I feel ashamed to even look at her.  She's so beautiful.  Why did she have to talk to me?  Why couldn't she just leave me alone?   But how could she know...
 ... a simple greeting would make things difficult for me?

This scene played out a few months back while I sat at the optometrist's office waiting for my turn to be helped.   It was going to be a long wait, I could tell.   The "she" was another patient.  No relationship was made.  No more words were said between us.  And still my day completely changed from in control to rampant.  The aftermath is always the same: guilt followed by deep depression.  And the feeling of "I don't want to do this anymore.  Someone please make it stop..."

I have a loving husband.  Between his long hours at work and spending a little quality time with the kids, I know that he tries his best to make me feel like I'm his world.   But anyone that has young children demanding your time and a husband that is gone often understands the need  for a friend outside of it all.
It's not easy meeting new people, let alone developing a meaningful relationship once you are an adult and out of school.  Hence, we develop online dating sites and mom circles with chat rooms.  Clinging onto old friendships even if long distant is the only way some of our social lives survive.  In general, adults are lonely people.  Good thing that we can fake it well.

I had put on the pounds while going through two pregnancies, and even with all my efforts had shown little progress in losing them.  It had gotten so bad that when I looked in the mirror I hardly recognized my face.   I didn't appear grotesquely overweight, because I'm so tall.  However, the question of when my baby was due  rang through my ears more times than I want to count.  I had always been athletic and working out  in a weight room was more of hobby than a chore for me.  This new body made me embarrassed and shy in social situations.  I lacked confidence in myself even more than I had before.  At church, because I was still new to the congregation,  I was anxious that this was the "me" that everyone thought I had been all along. 
I never thought I had a prejudice against those who struggle with their weight, but my own attitude towards myself was revealing some ugly facts.   When I was approached by someone as beautiful as Veronica, I felt even uglier.

I met Veronica and her family of four at a social gathering at church.  Immediately I thought, why is she even talking to me?  .But knowing that they were all just being friendly and doing their part to make me feel welcome at the event, I shrugged it off.  Still, I made a mental note to stay away from her because of her attractiveness.  That was my only game plan that I carried with me from my past.  STAY AWAY.
And I did.

Another lady from church trying to reach out invited me to a Tupperware party that she was hosting.  I laughed to myself about it because I'm not that sort of lady.   It seemed so cliche' to even be invited, but I was lonely and desperate for time away from the kids, so I went. 
I called to RSVP my spot at the party and was told to meet up at another ladies house so we could car pool.  Veronica drove the car pool.  The party was hosted out of the city.  We all laughed and there was much less talk about the greatness of Tupperware than I'd imagined.   I actually had fun.  As it got later some of the ladies in our group had to leave early because it was a weeknight.  So many had left, that when it was time to go, it was just Veronica and I in the car ride back.  I did my best to get over my nervousness and pretend that it's no big deal.  She was nice and easy to talk to.  She was what I'd call "on the level".  By that I mean, she was not your average uptight Christian woman homemaker.  We chatted a little about her, her neighbor (who had also came to the party), and a little about music.  By the time the car ride was over, I felt much more at ease.  We seemed to have a lot in common.  I thought this might be the real friendship that I'd been waiting for.   And I was excited about that idea.  Her beauty was not intimating to me anymore.

(This next part is going to be difficult to describe to you.  I apologize in advance for my vagueness but I know my audience and I don't want them to know who I am speaking of.)

Since the Tupperware night, Veronica's family and mine had become involved with a group at church that met on a somewhat weekly basis.  On most evening that we met with our group I had to go alone with my kids because Drew had to work.  That didn't bother me that much.  I'm an independent person who doesn't need my "other half" holding my hand all the time to feel whole.  Most of the members of the group felt sorry for me, I could tell.  That only made their gestures of friendship seem that much more forced.  Who wants to be pitied?   I wanted something genuine.   Veronica took an interest in getting to know me. 
Rosa had just ditched me after my confession to her and I was still brokenhearted about it. 
I'm certain that my depression over Rosa led to me to over think my interactions with Veronica. 

Our group had a couples fun night.  No kids allowed.  Drew had to work again so I thought about not going.  When he found out that I wasn't going because of him, he practically pushed me out the door.  So I dropped off my kids at the sitters and went on my way to the restaurant.  By the end of the evening, Veronica and I had spent a lot of time talking and laughing.  Although not in great detail,I told her about a friend from my past that had recently defriended me on Myspace and Facebook and I still was bummed about it.   I was having such a great time with everyone that I started giving out hugs to say goodbye.   When I hugged Veronica I lifted her off the ground...that's where my memory stops.  I'll try to explain.

I know I made it home and put the kids to bed, but the details of the evening stopped with that hug.  The whole car ride home was spent trying to convince myself that it was okay.  I had a dialogue in my head.
" I didn't do anything wrong.  I just was being friendly and got a little carried away.  She's not going to think anything of it.  She doesn't know anything about me.  She doesn't know... Don't worry."

The dialogue continued all the way to my basement at home.  That's where it got ugly.  I couldn't make it stop...I couldn't stop thinking about it...  worrying about it..  I knew it was no big deal, but something had taken control of my brain and would not let me speak reason to it.  (I know how that sounds, but it's true.  It was so intense and I was fighting it.)  It would not let me sleep.  For close to five hours I had my forehead digging into the floor pleading with my mind to stop.  Asking God to help me.  I just wanted to go to bed, but I was immersed in depression, tormented by doubt and fighting something else that I hadn't yet let myself realize.

From this point on, I would never be able to look at Veronica as an equal  ever again.



(Story continued in next post)