Am I a homosexual?
Medical Dictionary
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/homosexual
1 ho·mo·sex·u·al definition
Pronunciation: /ˌhō-mə-ˈseksh-(ə-)wəl, -ˈsek-shəl/
Function: adj
1 : of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward individuals of one's own sex
2 : of, relating to, or involving sexual intercourse between individuals of the same sex.
I am married and sexually active with my husband. How far does number one definition extend?
I'm sure there are some that label me as bisexual. That same site defines "bisexual" with the idea of a hermaphrodite which possess both male and female sex organs. It's listed as number five.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bisexual
5. a bisexual organism; a hermaphrodite
Yet all the other definitions seem ...fitting.
If I fit the definition then why do I fight the label?
Maybe hypocrite would be a more accurate label for me.
In my past, I was repulsed at the sight of two women kissing. If I heard someone talking about it, I would instantly become nauseous. If it was a couple of men instead...that was just wrong. And HOW COULD NO ONE SEE THAT???
Yet I had envisioned myself making out with over a dozen women throughout my youth. Why didn't I think that it was disgusting then?
Possibly because I wasn't seeing myself as a girl. In fact, I wasn't seeing myself at all.
It was a first person point of view. Even if you had held up a mirror in front of me, I still would not see what an onlooker could see in me.
Finally coming into my "womanhood" and escaping my own disbelief about my gender, forced me to face my demons.
What I saw was hideous.
I wanted to drive that monster so far into dark that no one, not even I, would know that he was still there.
It was just a past that I was running from, and very few knew about it.
I was still concerned that others could see into my dark places.
I remember being in a long distant phone conversation with a friend from college about my "change". To relieve any of her fears concerning our friendship I said to her, "Now seeing two women kiss, or for me to think about kissing another girl, is like me making out with my Mom. It's disgusting. (nervous laughter)."
I really was telling the truth at that time. I felt sick about it. I felt sick and embarrassed that I had been associated with that kind of people.
These views of my own self image and coming into the light to see my "monster" has also shed light over my own prejudice that I hold over others. More specifically, my own distaste that I contend with for the homosexual or gay community.
------------------------------- Extended Invitation -----------------------------
I have to stop here. I never know the exact direction that each post will take before I write it, but I can tell that this one will get very hostile if I continue. This post was exceptionally hard to write as it is.
Next post: Hold your breath till the end...
I promise to upset some of you.
It will be best for everyone to remember that I'm talking from my point-of-view.
It should be obvious by now that my "point-of-view" is not always one you can put your trust in.
I've always thought that the truth of ANY situation should be sought out by the person seeking it and not forced upon them.
Please come back and read.
A person's journal is always written from that person's point of view.... and if someone else chooses to read that journal... the reader must be willing to respect what the writer has said, notice I say respect, not agree. Part of the reader's job is to keep an open enough mind to really "hear" what is being written. While my viewpoint may not always be yours, you can believe that I will respect what you write, knowing that you are writing from the heart, and I am honored to have the privilege to read it.
ReplyDeleteThank u for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteIs it ok to put my opinion out here? I'm going for it: I think its STUPID that people would get angry at your opinions about your own life. You're not talking about someone else. You're talking about yourself and your life. If people don't like it then they shouldn't read it! Why do people's insecurities have to be thrown all over you??!!!??? I'm in a Celebrate Recovery group and one of the first rules that is so good is this: You don't work another's program. DON'T FIX PEOPLE!
ReplyDelete