Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Let's talk about

Sex..
has been my drug addiction for the past six years.

Our society finds it so easy to sing about it, make jokes about it, design sitcoms about it, create magizine quizs or "dos and don'ts" about it, but for someone to actually discuss their personal experiences surrounding their own sex-life ...that's getting too personal.
And admittingly, I had to have a drink before writing about this.

The term "sex" can mean a lot of things.  Although everything is better with a friend, it is not always mandatory to reach that sexual high.   Anything addictive is ultimately a selfish desire working it's way to its fulfillment.    And self-love has no place inside intimacy.  Naturally, porn is born because of this followed by strip clubs and prostitution.  Everyone wants to feel that high without the worry of caring for another person.  That would require a relationship, and a relationship means work.  And intimacy means transparency which can lead to ridcule and change  i.e. more work.
I need a lot of work.

My first real sexual experience was with my husband, Drew.  We were not married or engaged at the time. I was still clinging onto the idea that Ben and I would someday get back together.  My heart was damaged so badly by Ben and I never thought it would recover.  But one night in the back of a car with Drew would mark the beginning of something new.  It didn't feel "dirty" or like something we needed to think twice about.  And instantly I felt a closeness to Drew like we had been like this for lifetimes before.  "Exposed" didn't seem awful      
 and intmacy was what kept us coming back for more, instead of chore.  We felt connected.  I felt at peace.

Before Drew, before Ben, I was alone.  I dated more guys than I care to remember.  None of them would amount to anything significant in my life, and I knew that from the start.  But I thought I needed to go out with them to feel like a normal girl.  I thought I needed them around and wanting me, to be beautiful.  After I achieved the level of desire in my date, I was ready to move on.  I discarded them like they were used needles, and I didn't feel bad at all for using them for my own pleasures.  I would rather be the user than be the used.

A marriage takes work.  It takes patience and unbending commitment to not only live with another person as part of your family, but to also contiuously churn that fire of desire for that person; loving them more than yourself.  My mother-in-law must have realized this from her marriage, when she spent close to two hundred dollers on tickets to a marriage seminar for her son and I to go to. I don't remember much of what was said by speaker Gary Smalley; what I do remember most was having lunch with my husband.  Those with small children I'm sure can relate that there are not many times when you and your spouse get that time to get away from the titles of "mommy and daddy".  That short 45 minute lunch break gave Drew and I a chance to not only reflect on all the info from the conference it gave us a moment to reflect on ourselves; where we were going; where we want to be; and how we thought we would get there.  We talked about our future goals.  We prayed about our past. And we relaxed in the present knowing that times like these don't last too long. For now, we felt reconnected.

Marriage is more than sex   Yet sex is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship.  I struggle with that fact a lot in my marriage.  It's not because I don't desire a sexual relationship; I do.  It's just that it takes so much effort to get to that opportunity.  The problem is not just time, kids, work schedules, sleep schedules, mood schedules, or stress in the home.  It's all of those things and add in for each of us our past experiences both with each other and others, and you have a great cocktail of unhappiness and sexual frustration.  That frustration becomes exaggerated in our effort to fulfill our own desires.  We need that connection on more levels than just physical.  But still, when I get angry and annoyed with Drew and knowing that our relationship is not what it should be, blaming him, blaming me, blaming God and life, I feel alone and like I have to look after myself in the name of self preservation.  Because if I don't, no one else will.
My eyes search for a cure for my pain.  I know how that first feeling with Drew felt, and I want to always go back there again and again.  But all the masturbation or fantasies about another will never bring me back to that high.  As much as it pains me sometimes, I realize that I need him.  I need to love him and him to care for me in order to be satisfied.  In my anger, I remembered only the peacefulness I felt that first night together; making the mistake of thinking that the climax was what got me there.  When all along the high was in the relationship.

Now I could blame my previous porn addiction or the TV shows I've watched, books I've read, different avenues that I took to explore my attraction to women. But that blame doesn't solve anything.  When the fact is, I think about sex all the time now.  I assume, looking around in other people eyes, that they think about it too.  But they don't.  And it's come to this- me alone, my husband feeling alone, and both of us trying to get our needs met by the other.  I don't know a lot about good relationships, but I know what love is, and what love is not.  Love is not self-seeking.  Although I sacrifice much of myself daily for my family, I am guilty of not loving.  As long as I continue to love myself more, I will never be available to receive that peace that I've been searching for.

I want to forget about sex.  Let's talk about love.  

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Letters from the Past

Over the past 12 years, I have kept a prayer journal.  Although I do not write as much as I used to, I still find it useful to look back and read letters from my past; to see what God has done. 
The following are a few of my entries that I came across:
(All entries are undoctored, only punctuation was added.)
-------------------------
7-8-02
Dear Father,
    I don't like getting old anymore.  I want to stay young and fit forever. 
There is so much pain and grief in this world.  It's everywhere; sometimes "hope" seems snuffed out by it all.
Most of the time, I just want to talk to you about "crunchy peanut butter" just because I don't want to have to think about real issues:  Like where is my life going right now, and will I ever talk to {deleted friend's name} again?
I don't want to write anymore right now.
-------------------------
7-18-01
Dear Father,
      Thank you for your strength and joy and peace that you gave me yesterday.  I pray, and I will pray, that everyday it might not just be the same but grow with increasing measure each day. 
Thank you for all the many blessings: like air to breathe, the Holy Spirit, trees, people to love and to love me, and you, a room to clean, and stuff to dirty it with.  Thank you for who you are, which amazes me.  It seems every time I turn around, I discover another aspect of your nature/ways, and it's wonderful- to wonderful- to awesome for words. 
Now Father, I ask for the courage and the wisdom to search out actively/excitedly, people to love and to serve that I might love and serve you more. 
Thank you again.  Amen.
---------------------------
5-4-03
Dear Father,
    Forgive me for falling in love with my dreams -And cheating on my husband in that way.  Forgive me for taking that word fidelity or adultry so lightly sometimes, just because of the culture that I live in.  Father, forgive me for not seeking you in every way and at every moment.  Forgive me for being envious of other people's lives and money and stuff that they own. 
Thank you for revealing these things to me.
Help me to learn to love Drew more.  Help me to discover him the way that I want him to discover me; and the way that he already has.
Fix me, Father.  Fix me!
Make me how you think I should be.
I love you, and I thank you for your grace.
--------------------------
5-28-07
Dear Father,
    It's been so long since I opened up your word to read it on my own.  That can't be a good sign of where my priorities lie. 
I just put [my daughter] to bed after feeding her.  I held her in my arms close to my chest while she slept.  Most of the time I feel so disconnected from her during the day with everything going on and [my son] demanding my attention.  But for those moments of quiet time with just [my daughter] and I together, I feel so close to her; as if she were still sleeping and growing inside me.  It's hard for me to let those moments come to an end.
I hold her close while she sleeps and I think to myself, with such satisfaction, "we are the same".  It's a wonderful feeling.
I also believe it to be a big break through for that to be an honest thought and feeling from me now.
I'm trusting you   ..deep breath - good night.
----------------------
6-3-07
Dear God,
     Thank you for taking care of me today - and reminding me that I am not alone.  I actually felt peace.
The day went by so fast.  Everyday that Drew is off usually does though.
I still feel everyday incompetent to be a wife or a mother, but you are giving me the confidence that I need.
It's hard to forgive those that I feel are responsible for my low self esteem and lack of confidence; but each day is a new day with a new start and end for me- so it is for them too.
The effects are still felt for years though and it's hard to let go and learn something different.
Teach me, Father, to listen and believe only in you.
Sometimes I feel as if I should not ever watch T.V. again, or go to the mall, or go to see a movie.  They all corrupt and pollute my mind- which bleeds into my heart.  But then, I guess, I shouldn't even walk out my front door or go to the store to buy groceries...There was a man who was waiting for me and the stroller with [my daughter] in it to move today in the Wal-Mart parking lot so that he could back out, and he actually cussed at me- or the situation- saying "Damn it!" -What is that about??  The world is a scary and sinful place, and you have asked my family to live in it.  So although we want to be separate from it with our purposes, we must be a part of it with our every waking being [yes, I wrote that...]. 
Tell me how you did it.  Tell me that learning from you, "the perfect man", is not a lost cause for someone totally mortal and sinful like me.
Prove to me that you can take my messed-up life with the messed up past and make something completely useful and great out of it.
Please, I beg you.  Prove it!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Someone push the Reset button

I hate routines and that hate leads me down a path of chaos and disorganization.  And then worries breed inside my mind like bunnies.  It's obvious that I can't survive with so much (another word for chaos) in my daily life.  I make lists to unburden myself from the worry that I might forget about all that worries me. 
"Cast all your cares on Him"  
I don't think it is any big secret to tell you that I have been struggling with my faith lately.  I don't even know why.  There was no big tragedy that happened to me within the past year to spread doubt.    I don't have any new "proof" against the faith to really speak of.  On the contrary, I can easily ramble off the many different ways that God has intervened in my life and in the lives of those around me.  Unexplainable circumstances that point me to believe in a loving and faithful God, who remains unseen but whose hand is seen in everything.   Yet I still feel skeptical.  My faith feels overcast, like it's stuck in a fog.

I was planning my route to spend some time with an old friend from college.  Her and her family live roughly only 4 and half hours from us and we, as a family, had been over to visit a few times before.  I knew the address and remembered the country landmarks to look for to find her house.  However, when I was mapping it all out, my disaffection for everything routine kicked in; I decided to take a different route.  Mapquest told me that it would get me there to the same place, and without paying for toll (bonus!).  So I was all set.  (So I thought...)  What I didn't plan on was driving in freezing rain and ice with wind speeds that constantly made me question if I should stop the car to take cover in a ditch.  Not to mention the "state highways" were not clearly marked and appeared more like a country road or something more residential.  To top off the long cold wet drive, a fog started to creep in right as I came up to the unknown (to me) back way to my friend's house.  Six or seven hours from the start, we arrived our destination.  I was tired, I was grateful that we were there finally, but mostly I was frustrated with my stupid personality that told me that an already good plan needed to be completely redone.  All of this trouble, risk, and time wasted because I thought doing something different would make me feel better somehow.  I thought it would make the trip more exciting and less brain numbing.  As I was traveling, I wished that I had left my brain numbing trip as it was.

I guess I could say the same about my faith.  I took my focus off Christ because I felt neglected and unimportant to other believers, and ultimately to God as well.  I felt like the Bible had become "old news".   I sought out ways of creeping away from the world of holiness and things that would set me apart from the "world".  I still wanted to have my "in" to what God wanted, but I also wanted my freedom to experience.  I think it's fair to say now that I've created this spiritual fog.  Now that a majority of me wants out of it, it's too late.  I can't see past the end of my nose.

It's the new year, but it's still playing the same tune.  Does a day that the calender resets mean that anything can?