Let's talk about

Sex..
has been my drug addiction for the past six years.

Our society finds it so easy to sing about it, make jokes about it, design sitcoms about it, create magizine quizs or "dos and don'ts" about it, but for someone to actually discuss their personal experiences surrounding their own sex-life ...that's getting too personal.
And admittingly, I had to have a drink before writing about this.

The term "sex" can mean a lot of things.  Although everything is better with a friend, it is not always mandatory to reach that sexual high.   Anything addictive is ultimately a selfish desire working it's way to its fulfillment.    And self-love has no place inside intimacy.  Naturally, porn is born because of this followed by strip clubs and prostitution.  Everyone wants to feel that high without the worry of caring for another person.  That would require a relationship, and a relationship means work.  And intimacy means transparency which can lead to ridcule and change  i.e. more work.
I need a lot of work.

My first real sexual experience was with my husband, Drew.  We were not married or engaged at the time. I was still clinging onto the idea that Ben and I would someday get back together.  My heart was damaged so badly by Ben and I never thought it would recover.  But one night in the back of a car with Drew would mark the beginning of something new.  It didn't feel "dirty" or like something we needed to think twice about.  And instantly I felt a closeness to Drew like we had been like this for lifetimes before.  "Exposed" didn't seem awful      
 and intmacy was what kept us coming back for more, instead of chore.  We felt connected.  I felt at peace.

Before Drew, before Ben, I was alone.  I dated more guys than I care to remember.  None of them would amount to anything significant in my life, and I knew that from the start.  But I thought I needed to go out with them to feel like a normal girl.  I thought I needed them around and wanting me, to be beautiful.  After I achieved the level of desire in my date, I was ready to move on.  I discarded them like they were used needles, and I didn't feel bad at all for using them for my own pleasures.  I would rather be the user than be the used.

A marriage takes work.  It takes patience and unbending commitment to not only live with another person as part of your family, but to also contiuously churn that fire of desire for that person; loving them more than yourself.  My mother-in-law must have realized this from her marriage, when she spent close to two hundred dollers on tickets to a marriage seminar for her son and I to go to. I don't remember much of what was said by speaker Gary Smalley; what I do remember most was having lunch with my husband.  Those with small children I'm sure can relate that there are not many times when you and your spouse get that time to get away from the titles of "mommy and daddy".  That short 45 minute lunch break gave Drew and I a chance to not only reflect on all the info from the conference it gave us a moment to reflect on ourselves; where we were going; where we want to be; and how we thought we would get there.  We talked about our future goals.  We prayed about our past. And we relaxed in the present knowing that times like these don't last too long. For now, we felt reconnected.

Marriage is more than sex   Yet sex is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship.  I struggle with that fact a lot in my marriage.  It's not because I don't desire a sexual relationship; I do.  It's just that it takes so much effort to get to that opportunity.  The problem is not just time, kids, work schedules, sleep schedules, mood schedules, or stress in the home.  It's all of those things and add in for each of us our past experiences both with each other and others, and you have a great cocktail of unhappiness and sexual frustration.  That frustration becomes exaggerated in our effort to fulfill our own desires.  We need that connection on more levels than just physical.  But still, when I get angry and annoyed with Drew and knowing that our relationship is not what it should be, blaming him, blaming me, blaming God and life, I feel alone and like I have to look after myself in the name of self preservation.  Because if I don't, no one else will.
My eyes search for a cure for my pain.  I know how that first feeling with Drew felt, and I want to always go back there again and again.  But all the masturbation or fantasies about another will never bring me back to that high.  As much as it pains me sometimes, I realize that I need him.  I need to love him and him to care for me in order to be satisfied.  In my anger, I remembered only the peacefulness I felt that first night together; making the mistake of thinking that the climax was what got me there.  When all along the high was in the relationship.

Now I could blame my previous porn addiction or the TV shows I've watched, books I've read, different avenues that I took to explore my attraction to women. But that blame doesn't solve anything.  When the fact is, I think about sex all the time now.  I assume, looking around in other people eyes, that they think about it too.  But they don't.  And it's come to this- me alone, my husband feeling alone, and both of us trying to get our needs met by the other.  I don't know a lot about good relationships, but I know what love is, and what love is not.  Love is not self-seeking.  Although I sacrifice much of myself daily for my family, I am guilty of not loving.  As long as I continue to love myself more, I will never be available to receive that peace that I've been searching for.

I want to forget about sex.  Let's talk about love.