Friday, September 21, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
The Rumor Weed
A friend referred to me as a lesbian today and told me that I have no business being near or working closely with young girls. Well folks, the moment that we've all been waiting for has arrived. Go get your large forks and your flames. They are coming to take me down.
This past Sunday morning I was introduced to a new chapter of my testimony - opposition / ridicule / fear. Those of you that have been long time readers on here (or tried to keep up) can generally figure me out well enough to see that I don't refer to myself as a "lesbian" or gay, queer or any other label associated. In my eyes, there is only one label that I take pride in - "Christian". It's nonsensical that I would be the object of aggression from my very own church family. And up till this point I have actually learned to relax and trust other people (Christians) with the delicate subject of my life. Many have welcomed me with open arms and few to none with closed fists. Till now... And now, I'm one friend less.
Admittedly when I started this post, I had it in mind to "spill the beans" and to gather my readers in a rally to stand against these ridiculous lies!!! -to make me feel better (there is a safety in numbers.) But when I finally sat down to gather my thoughts, I had this burn in my chest that told me, "Don't do this."
Even though I use false names on here, the people involved know that I am talking about them, behind their back. (Oh yeah! Now you can see the hypocrisy.) Even though I am miffed about the whole ordeal, what right do I have to go and do the same? Several people directly tied to the gossip have already done their part to apologize -only one saying it to my face, but who's counting?
There's little reason to hold onto it and string it out further just so I can be angry. Eventually even righteous anger loses it's rightness.
The friend that started the rumor has yet to give up her pride and admit her unfaithfulness. But beyond her lack of remorse, it bothers me that just now I am seeing her true opinion of me. She thinks that I am a lesbian, and even worse than that she thinks that I could be something more...a pedophile. That's a little more than I am willing to overlook in a friendship. I trusted her (more than I should of) and she in turn, ripped my heart out and stomped on it. That's hard to forgive.
It wasn't that long ago, that I had done something similar to a long time friend of mine. Willow and I had kept in touch since college. She traveled many miles to come to be a part of my wedding (newborn baby in tow), so it was an easy choice to make the trip across the upper mid-west when it was her time to get hitched. She wouldn't believe it if I told her, but Willow has been a tremendous blessing to my life. Isn't it funny, how we take things for granted, right to the point where they are ready to wave goodbye forever? But I'm not laughing. I almost lost Willow's friendship and I did lose her trust all because I wanted a moment of someones attention.
Willow had in trusted me with many of her secrets over the years and so when she was feeling stressed in the days leading up to her wedding, she wasn't hesitant to vent her feelings to me. In her frustration she confessed feelings of anger toward one of her friends, and told me that she couldn't even figure why she had allowed her as part of the wedding party. Obviously, I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice and blab about the details on here. To say it in short, I leaked those details to her friend.
It happened sometime later over the web, and I knew what my motivations were...and they were NOT "holy". When it got back to Willow that I had "talked", I immediately knew what I was up against. A broken trust is no different than a broken heart, neither of them heal well and both take a lot of time. I was embarrassed to do so, but I told Willow the awful truth about why I had spoke to her friend about it. I told her all the gruesome details that sparked my betrayal, but none of that mattered to her. She seemed numb and let down instead of angry. Willow spoke not only of her misuse of trust in me , but in everyone that she had ever known. She made our dilemma sound like it was just another notch on her "this world sucks" pole. Which would make you think that I was off the hook since not just me but the WHOLE world has let her down. I did not take it that way, and I certainly did not want this to be the end of our friendship. I needed her in my life too bad for that to happen, but I didn't realize that until now. Although our correspondence was mostly through instant messages and email, if she could have seen me I would have been on my hands and knees, begging for her forgiveness. I knew that in this moment I may only have this one shot at convincing her that I'm sorry and pray that she does not let what we were just fade to black. A year or more has passed since then (they go by way too quickly to keep track), and we still talk from time to time, but I know that it might never be the same. I let myself get in the way of good judgement, and although I can commend myself for taking immediate action with an honest apology, our relationship still bares the consequence. So in conclusion I wish to leave you with this thought: When it comes to gossip, rumors, or breaking confidence; the mouth is not the enemy. The problem is in the heart.
This past Sunday morning I was introduced to a new chapter of my testimony - opposition / ridicule / fear. Those of you that have been long time readers on here (or tried to keep up) can generally figure me out well enough to see that I don't refer to myself as a "lesbian" or gay, queer or any other label associated. In my eyes, there is only one label that I take pride in - "Christian". It's nonsensical that I would be the object of aggression from my very own church family. And up till this point I have actually learned to relax and trust other people (Christians) with the delicate subject of my life. Many have welcomed me with open arms and few to none with closed fists. Till now... And now, I'm one friend less.
[It all started with a question. That's what she said. And then he was listening in as they talked. He couldn't believe his ears and went to a friend for a second opinion... An email was sent to a few someones who never knew. Then phone calls were made to make sure it wasn't a fake... The walls came down and the weeds began to grow. The lies were planted between half truths and Satan was laughing as my previous feeling of protection was on its way to unglued. She said I wrote a love letter, he said I was living another life, they said I might be dangerous, but that my husband thought it was alright. None had all the answers, but that didn't slow them down, from speaking about it more to more people who it didn't concern. All of them wondering what should be done without asking the only one who could give them answers...me.]I know this is vague and slightly weird to read, but that's just how silly a rumor can be.
Admittedly when I started this post, I had it in mind to "spill the beans" and to gather my readers in a rally to stand against these ridiculous lies!!! -to make me feel better (there is a safety in numbers.) But when I finally sat down to gather my thoughts, I had this burn in my chest that told me, "Don't do this."
Even though I use false names on here, the people involved know that I am talking about them, behind their back. (Oh yeah! Now you can see the hypocrisy.) Even though I am miffed about the whole ordeal, what right do I have to go and do the same? Several people directly tied to the gossip have already done their part to apologize -only one saying it to my face, but who's counting?
There's little reason to hold onto it and string it out further just so I can be angry. Eventually even righteous anger loses it's rightness.
The friend that started the rumor has yet to give up her pride and admit her unfaithfulness. But beyond her lack of remorse, it bothers me that just now I am seeing her true opinion of me. She thinks that I am a lesbian, and even worse than that she thinks that I could be something more...a pedophile. That's a little more than I am willing to overlook in a friendship. I trusted her (more than I should of) and she in turn, ripped my heart out and stomped on it. That's hard to forgive.
It wasn't that long ago, that I had done something similar to a long time friend of mine. Willow and I had kept in touch since college. She traveled many miles to come to be a part of my wedding (newborn baby in tow), so it was an easy choice to make the trip across the upper mid-west when it was her time to get hitched. She wouldn't believe it if I told her, but Willow has been a tremendous blessing to my life. Isn't it funny, how we take things for granted, right to the point where they are ready to wave goodbye forever? But I'm not laughing. I almost lost Willow's friendship and I did lose her trust all because I wanted a moment of someones attention.
Willow had in trusted me with many of her secrets over the years and so when she was feeling stressed in the days leading up to her wedding, she wasn't hesitant to vent her feelings to me. In her frustration she confessed feelings of anger toward one of her friends, and told me that she couldn't even figure why she had allowed her as part of the wedding party. Obviously, I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice and blab about the details on here. To say it in short, I leaked those details to her friend.
It happened sometime later over the web, and I knew what my motivations were...and they were NOT "holy". When it got back to Willow that I had "talked", I immediately knew what I was up against. A broken trust is no different than a broken heart, neither of them heal well and both take a lot of time. I was embarrassed to do so, but I told Willow the awful truth about why I had spoke to her friend about it. I told her all the gruesome details that sparked my betrayal, but none of that mattered to her. She seemed numb and let down instead of angry. Willow spoke not only of her misuse of trust in me , but in everyone that she had ever known. She made our dilemma sound like it was just another notch on her "this world sucks" pole. Which would make you think that I was off the hook since not just me but the WHOLE world has let her down. I did not take it that way, and I certainly did not want this to be the end of our friendship. I needed her in my life too bad for that to happen, but I didn't realize that until now. Although our correspondence was mostly through instant messages and email, if she could have seen me I would have been on my hands and knees, begging for her forgiveness. I knew that in this moment I may only have this one shot at convincing her that I'm sorry and pray that she does not let what we were just fade to black. A year or more has passed since then (they go by way too quickly to keep track), and we still talk from time to time, but I know that it might never be the same. I let myself get in the way of good judgement, and although I can commend myself for taking immediate action with an honest apology, our relationship still bares the consequence. So in conclusion I wish to leave you with this thought: When it comes to gossip, rumors, or breaking confidence; the mouth is not the enemy. The problem is in the heart.
Monday, June 18, 2012
I boast no more
I am coming forward today to publicly recommit my life to Christ.
I have already been back on track with Him for a few months now and I know that it is unnecessary for me to announce it to my church family for me to be forgiven, but because my fear of confession before all of you is a problem- I think that I need to do this and confront that fear head on.
I want a life of integrity.
Over the past year or more I have been living a double life. -Going to bars,compromising my family and my faith in God, seeking out people and places that would lead me even further away- all in search of my own gratification. And I can't share the whole story now but I will say that it started with a disappointment in God.
That disappintment turned to anger than bitterness and later apathy.
I was ready to disregard my entire relationship with Jesus just because I didn't feel important to Him anymore. You might think that because I went to bars that drinking was my problem, that's not the case...
My problems were much deeper. I was on the verge of abandoning God -and along with that my marriage. I just stopped caring. This is not easy to say... But I can't work and serve beside all of you knowing that I am still keeping my life a secret. Satan thrives in fear. God has saved me from myself again. (... I am so thankful for that.)
Through His word and through prayer He has been leading me back to humility. -REALIZING this life is not about me and yet He still cares about my needs and my wants.. I am just thankful that He never gave up on me, even when I was ready to give up on Him.
Also, I am very grateful for the friends and mentors that have stood beside me through all of this -fully knowing all the garbage that I struggle with. I'm sure that it's been challenge for them to watch me go through this "growing process". God has reached out to me through all your care. Thank you Susie and Stephanie and Geri from Hope Ministries and Tim. -I was so afraid to talk to you. I honestly can say that I would not be making this huge step and putting the past behind me if were not for all of you. -There are so many others too like Thanks to Lisa Greathouse for giving me that extra nudge to come forward. God has used you all in a mighty way.
And I wanted you to know, your efforts were worth something to me. -And to His kingdom
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Father of the Year (Part 2)
I know that you have always viewed me as "rebellious", but it has never been easy for me stand up to you. It always seems inappropriate for a daughter to do.
Over the years the well of my hurt fills up and then explodes. That's what it feels like, an explosion of tears and frustration.
Nothing good would ever come from announcing all your crimes against me. I never understood why I would even bother? It's not like anything would change...
I thought that I wanted your remorse, maybe understanding, what I really needed was relief from carrying it around.
Dad, you are not the source of all my problems.
I do not blame you for MY bad choices. But you are a contributor to the direction that I tend to face. Your words and actions have left their marks on my life in ways that I would never have expected would trace back to our relationship. For example:
I honestly can say that I would not have the grounded relationship that I have Jesus if it were not for you. Though you were a terrible example of everything you preached, your failure made my need for a savior stronger. The stories of heroism from men and women from the Bible, encouraged me to draw closer to God, believing that He could adopt me and use me for His great purpose. In moments that I would wish myself dead (because I thought you wanted that too) God was able to show me how real He is.
If I were not stretched in such extreme ways, I might never have become so certain of my faith. I owe you the "thanks" for that. Your anger led me to depend upon His love. And those memories that I have of walking and talking with my God growing up, I cling to. They are my fond childhood memories. They are my roots. I don't know what else to say to you. I wish I could just forget. I pray for healing almost everyday. I know that this letter probably won't change anything, I never thought it would. But now you know that when I hug you or treat you like an ordinary father would be treated by his child, I do it not because you did anything to deserve that kind of affection from me, but because Jesus has. And He calls me to love my enemies.
Over the years the well of my hurt fills up and then explodes. That's what it feels like, an explosion of tears and frustration.
Nothing good would ever come from announcing all your crimes against me. I never understood why I would even bother? It's not like anything would change...
I thought that I wanted your remorse, maybe understanding, what I really needed was relief from carrying it around.
Dad, you are not the source of all my problems.
I do not blame you for MY bad choices. But you are a contributor to the direction that I tend to face. Your words and actions have left their marks on my life in ways that I would never have expected would trace back to our relationship. For example:
- I didn't realize till I was an adult that your view of a woman's role in family (and the way you treat Mom) would lead me down a path of constant avoidance of anything feminine.
- Or that I buy into your view of women even to the extent of feeling second rate to a man in relation to God and his love.
- I never thought that I would both hate being a girl and want to be intimate with another girl all because my father, a man, had made me feel worthless.
- I never thought that such a missing relationship with you would be able to reach into my adult life an still interrupt my self confidence.
I honestly can say that I would not have the grounded relationship that I have Jesus if it were not for you. Though you were a terrible example of everything you preached, your failure made my need for a savior stronger. The stories of heroism from men and women from the Bible, encouraged me to draw closer to God, believing that He could adopt me and use me for His great purpose. In moments that I would wish myself dead (because I thought you wanted that too) God was able to show me how real He is.
If I were not stretched in such extreme ways, I might never have become so certain of my faith. I owe you the "thanks" for that. Your anger led me to depend upon His love. And those memories that I have of walking and talking with my God growing up, I cling to. They are my fond childhood memories. They are my roots. I don't know what else to say to you. I wish I could just forget. I pray for healing almost everyday. I know that this letter probably won't change anything, I never thought it would. But now you know that when I hug you or treat you like an ordinary father would be treated by his child, I do it not because you did anything to deserve that kind of affection from me, but because Jesus has. And He calls me to love my enemies.
Father of the Year - A letter to my Dad on Father's Day (Part 1)
Dear Dad,
I know we've had our confrontations, but this letter is way over due.
I always wanted to love you just like I see other father/daughters do. I always wanted to look at you with admiration, and to show you the respect that a father shouldn't have to earn. But what I've always wanted most of all is to feel loved by you. - To be loved and not cursed; To feel wanted and not like an embarrassment or a bother.
As a child: I never thought I deserved that kind of love from you - from God - from anyone. You would put your world on my shoulders and I would fail you every time. You accused me of tricking you - plotting, as if I were some kind of saboteur, but I was just a kid. I was your daughter.
What was I to think, when my own "daddy" hated me so much? I couldn't do anything right in your eyes. There were many times you would come around with an apology. You wanted me to forgive and forget it. But the apology turned into just another order you were placing upon me. I MUST forgive now! I MUST forget and erase it from my memory - pretend it never happened NOW, all because you said "I'm sorry".
You wanted me to forget about what just happened that day? - the words that you said, the things you threw, the way in which you grabbed me, the hands around my neck, the anger that you still blamed me for causing you to lose control.
You came to me at night, long after I cried myself to sleep, because you wanted to forget about what had happened.
Maybe it was Mom that came to my rescue (oh how you hated when she would do that) that finally calmed you enough and was able to convince you that you'd done something wrong. Maybe you didn't want to feel the guilt anymore -The same guilt that I would feel, but that would never go away. Because your apology would get you off the hook, but not me. You always made sure that I was left with the knowledge that I still was at fault in all of this.
I was a good girl, who wanted to make her Heavenly Father proud with obedience more than I cared about making things right with you. So I did forgive - I couldn't help it. I love my Lord, and that meant that I also would love you. But I want you to know that your apologies were only a trigger/ a spark to ignite that hunger, to be closer to God. The closer I moved toward Him, the more I inched away from you and your tyranny over my heart. Your words were empty and confusing. Because with passion spilling out, you would yell hate at me. (I bet you don't even remember these things.) Even saying that you don't love me anymore, and then come to me to say that you LIED?!? I had to wonder eventually, was this apology for me?
Or for you?
I would forgive, but I was careful not to forget. Because I knew, I KNEW, it would happen again. I needed to be prepared. There is a reason why they teach history in schools. The thought is that we will learn from our mistakes, or prepare for events in our future that seem unavoidable. But whether I wanted to be a naive little girl or not, I really had no choice. I was haunted by the trauma that your anger aimed at me had caused. Haunted by the memories, the words, the look on your furious face. You became the monster of my dreams.
I know that you think that I have no right to bring all this dark of the past out into the light. But nothing really ever changed in your routine. I'm not there to upset you, so I don't have to avoid "a problem" anymore. Like a record that skips, I know the song is scratched somewhere because it's been played many times before - so everyone just waits for it to happen. You might be thinking that you are the broken record. It's true you are broken, but so am I now.
Mom tried many times to explain to me that you were not always this way, but there are so many scars, scrapes, and scratches between you and me. How can I attempt to see any way that you were before? And what does it matter to me? - It just feeds the idea the idea that there is something wrong with me.
Did I put the scratch in your record?? Did I do something to turn you the wrong away? What did I do to deserve a "daddy" like you?
I must admit. I hate Father's Day because of you.
They should have a Hallmark section for relationships like ours. If they did it would be called something like, "Pretend your Dad is the like the one your friend has." or "Your generic not too personal because you really don't get along at all but want to still be polite" section. Even now, especially now, when I see a dad and his girl together - the love and laughter that they so easily share between them, the closeness, the bond of trust that I witness just by viewing a moment in their life together, I get jealous. ....Sad more than jealous, a deep sadness, because not only will I never know what that's like because I can't go back in time, but also because of the deep scars that are left behind. Your reluctance to acknowledge the negative effect of your actions on the family has paralyzed any chance of us moving forward toward something better.
I will never know what it's like to hug my Daddy and KNOW that it's love that hugs me back.
I don't ask for much. I know that you can't do much about your personality, but if only you were capable of loving me, unselfishly. But as long as I've been aware of you, over the years, it's been made clearer to me, you don't live within the same world we do.
I know we've had our confrontations, but this letter is way over due.
I always wanted to love you just like I see other father/daughters do. I always wanted to look at you with admiration, and to show you the respect that a father shouldn't have to earn. But what I've always wanted most of all is to feel loved by you. - To be loved and not cursed; To feel wanted and not like an embarrassment or a bother.
As a child: I never thought I deserved that kind of love from you - from God - from anyone. You would put your world on my shoulders and I would fail you every time. You accused me of tricking you - plotting, as if I were some kind of saboteur, but I was just a kid. I was your daughter.
What was I to think, when my own "daddy" hated me so much? I couldn't do anything right in your eyes. There were many times you would come around with an apology. You wanted me to forgive and forget it. But the apology turned into just another order you were placing upon me. I MUST forgive now! I MUST forget and erase it from my memory - pretend it never happened NOW, all because you said "I'm sorry".
You wanted me to forget about what just happened that day? - the words that you said, the things you threw, the way in which you grabbed me, the hands around my neck, the anger that you still blamed me for causing you to lose control.
You came to me at night, long after I cried myself to sleep, because you wanted to forget about what had happened.
Maybe it was Mom that came to my rescue (oh how you hated when she would do that) that finally calmed you enough and was able to convince you that you'd done something wrong. Maybe you didn't want to feel the guilt anymore -The same guilt that I would feel, but that would never go away. Because your apology would get you off the hook, but not me. You always made sure that I was left with the knowledge that I still was at fault in all of this.
I was a good girl, who wanted to make her Heavenly Father proud with obedience more than I cared about making things right with you. So I did forgive - I couldn't help it. I love my Lord, and that meant that I also would love you. But I want you to know that your apologies were only a trigger/ a spark to ignite that hunger, to be closer to God. The closer I moved toward Him, the more I inched away from you and your tyranny over my heart. Your words were empty and confusing. Because with passion spilling out, you would yell hate at me. (I bet you don't even remember these things.) Even saying that you don't love me anymore, and then come to me to say that you LIED?!? I had to wonder eventually, was this apology for me?
Or for you?
I would forgive, but I was careful not to forget. Because I knew, I KNEW, it would happen again. I needed to be prepared. There is a reason why they teach history in schools. The thought is that we will learn from our mistakes, or prepare for events in our future that seem unavoidable. But whether I wanted to be a naive little girl or not, I really had no choice. I was haunted by the trauma that your anger aimed at me had caused. Haunted by the memories, the words, the look on your furious face. You became the monster of my dreams.
I know that you think that I have no right to bring all this dark of the past out into the light. But nothing really ever changed in your routine. I'm not there to upset you, so I don't have to avoid "a problem" anymore. Like a record that skips, I know the song is scratched somewhere because it's been played many times before - so everyone just waits for it to happen. You might be thinking that you are the broken record. It's true you are broken, but so am I now.
Mom tried many times to explain to me that you were not always this way, but there are so many scars, scrapes, and scratches between you and me. How can I attempt to see any way that you were before? And what does it matter to me? - It just feeds the idea the idea that there is something wrong with me.
Did I put the scratch in your record?? Did I do something to turn you the wrong away? What did I do to deserve a "daddy" like you?
I must admit. I hate Father's Day because of you.
They should have a Hallmark section for relationships like ours. If they did it would be called something like, "Pretend your Dad is the like the one your friend has." or "Your generic not too personal because you really don't get along at all but want to still be polite" section. Even now, especially now, when I see a dad and his girl together - the love and laughter that they so easily share between them, the closeness, the bond of trust that I witness just by viewing a moment in their life together, I get jealous. ....Sad more than jealous, a deep sadness, because not only will I never know what that's like because I can't go back in time, but also because of the deep scars that are left behind. Your reluctance to acknowledge the negative effect of your actions on the family has paralyzed any chance of us moving forward toward something better.
I will never know what it's like to hug my Daddy and KNOW that it's love that hugs me back.
I don't ask for much. I know that you can't do much about your personality, but if only you were capable of loving me, unselfishly. But as long as I've been aware of you, over the years, it's been made clearer to me, you don't live within the same world we do.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Spell: Broken
When I was struggling with an addiction to porn, I reached out to a friend for help and accountability. I think many people think of "accountability" as a two-way street - meaning that both parties involved must have the same or similar obstacles to fight against. I don't think that it has to be that way at all. If you need help, call a friend- or even better, call someone you don't know very well who you respect and know that they are both organized in their personal life and in their home. In other words, find someone who is not living in chaos because they are more likely to keep in touch and to be a good role model for your present chaos that you're in. Consider that a side note about accountability partners.
Marissa was my help this time. I called her because I knew that we had talked before about my struggles and she seemed like a safe place to me. I told her (in detail) about the situation that I had got myself into. I told her that I never wanted to go back to that bar again. But that just like my pornography addiction, I knew that that conviction would soon be replaced by hormones and idiocy. Right now, I was feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. I don't think I asked for her advice of what to do, and I don't think she offered. Marissa did exactly what I called her to do. She mentally reminded me, through daily and weekly phone calls, why I should never go back to that bar. Marissa became the strong voice of my conscience.
And just like my pornography addiction, I'm happy to say that I don't need that extra reminder anymore.
The spell has been broken.
I know that the beast is still waiting to entrap me into a new snare, but for the very least I can say that it won't be hypocrisy anymore. It won't be in keeping secrets either. Drew knows, Marissa knows, of course God knows, and now ALL of you know, the truth about my life. I have nothing left to hide.
So what's next?
Marissa was my help this time. I called her because I knew that we had talked before about my struggles and she seemed like a safe place to me. I told her (in detail) about the situation that I had got myself into. I told her that I never wanted to go back to that bar again. But that just like my pornography addiction, I knew that that conviction would soon be replaced by hormones and idiocy. Right now, I was feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. I don't think I asked for her advice of what to do, and I don't think she offered. Marissa did exactly what I called her to do. She mentally reminded me, through daily and weekly phone calls, why I should never go back to that bar. Marissa became the strong voice of my conscience.
And just like my pornography addiction, I'm happy to say that I don't need that extra reminder anymore.
The spell has been broken.
I know that the beast is still waiting to entrap me into a new snare, but for the very least I can say that it won't be hypocrisy anymore. It won't be in keeping secrets either. Drew knows, Marissa knows, of course God knows, and now ALL of you know, the truth about my life. I have nothing left to hide.
So what's next?
Lustfully Loving vs. Lovingly Lustful
I managed to skip over the "love month" without a posting so allow me to backtrack just a little.
Love or lust?
How can we tell?
Which do we want the most?
As difficult as the first question is for many of us to decipher, the third one will continue to taunt us until we change our mind about the first. Confused?
Yep, so was I .
Unlike most women, I hate shopping. I despise the changing rooms, scanning the price tags, and remembering which groceries to get. On the other hand, online shopping is amazing! I can shop from any store compare items read reviews and find the right sizes without having to redress a dozen times in the store. I've learned, over years of bad experience, the best purchase is an educated one.
Determining which is better, love or lust (and which is which) is no different than shopping. It can either be a painful process of trial and error OR it can be a learning experience when we are able to gather the wisdom that others have accumulated from their good and bad choices, much like a " review".
Now, of course, we can gather "reviews" about this subject from just about anywhere. But if you say that you put your faith in God, then the best place would be the Bible. Either way, it's best to find a source that you can trust wholeheartedly, so you don't end up writing a negative review of your own.
Now is the time for me to come clean before all my readers about a few things. I know that with everything that I've written so far that statement might sound a little ridiculous, but some of the best liars will tell you, the best way to cover up for something you did is to confess to something else. This is not a cover up...
About a month ago I was reading from my new Bible app (just to try it out and play around with the different versions offered) when I decided to try out "The Message" version. I had heard other people quote from it and use it in their studies, but I had yet to crack it myself. I finally put it to what I considered "the real test", when I turned to read from Romans. The book Romans (specifically the first chapter) has held the key to my life and my choices ever since college. I found that The Message's interpretation of it was not that astounding, but that led me to read on instead of stop. And in Romans 2:1-13 it says this:
I know that I'm forgiven by both God and my husband. I know that I could just sweep by this little detail and not write about it on here. But then I would be the very kind of leader, mentor, hypocritical Christian that I despise. And knowing that it's now time that I just come out and say just what I'm thinking, I feel sick to my stomach - a feeling that I didn't get when I spoke with Drew or God about this.
Within the past year 2011, I started frequenting the bar scene, and not just any bar either, a "gay friendly" bar not too far from where I live.
Sometimes people say that they wanted to make their own mistakes, that they want to learn the hard way. What I hear though is, "Stop telling me what to do, because I want to do it - right or wrong, I don't care." I know that's really what they mean, because I hear that same thought pass through my head when I want to do something that I know is probably a mistake.
So why do we do that?
Why would I say that to myself?
I obviously know that what I'm doing is potentially the wrong or immoral choice to make, but that doesn't stop me from pursuing it. In fact, that knowledge makes me push even harder and faster to get my way. It becomes an accelerated decline down a very steep hill and I just throw my hands up and yell "Weee!". Am I really just that stupid? Do I not realize that at the end of this "ride" I'm on is an abrupt stop?
Here's my review of the "ride" down.
I had a plan. I had purpose. I felt that I had moved on and was ready to share my experiences with the world, so that they could learn from my failures and wisdom gained. But while still examining my scars and exchanging battle stories, I seemed to have lost the memory of the pain that came with them.
I hope that this story is over now that I can "put the past behind me" and move forward, but in all honesty - if my past has taught me anything, it's taught me that I can't trust myself.
I never hooked up with a woman or even met anyone there that really sparked my interest, but I was looking. I kept coming back to that same bar. Over and over again I'd see that there's nothing there for me. Sure, I would end up in a game of darts or a conversation with the bartender, but most nights, from the minute I stepped through the doorway, I knew I had made a mistake. It's was boring, and I wasted money just by coming in.
I was there looking for excitement, maybe looking for "an experience". I don't know, I was frightened about finally having one that maybe I was there to challenge my fears. It was all so pointless and stupid, but I just wouldn't stop coming back - like I had no place else to go.
Later, I would justify that I'm not really looking for a woman, I'm looking for a place to hang out, and this is one of the few bars I can go to where I will not get hit on by men. Then I met a man. He said his name was Harrison and that he works in construction, but apparently construction means weekend male stripper at a gay bar, because where I found him.
I knew that the bar did those kind of shows occasionally, but I never attended. The night that I met Harrison, I came in later after "the show" was over (clothing was on). When I walked in, I could tell he was part of the entertainment by the way all the guys were surrounding him. I proceeded to advert my eyes away from all of this because it bothered me (treating people like meat) and plus I wasn't there to find a man. The next part of the story gets a little fuzzy, possibly because of the alcohol involved, or maybe because my guilt has blocked it out. I think when most people come to this part, the common thing to say is, "And one thing led to another...yada, yada, yada...and we kissed.
He wanted me to wait for him to get done with his shift. I did, for awhile, but then I left. I left because I wasn't sure what I waiting for. I mean, I'm not stupid, I knew why he wanted me to wait - He wanted to take me home with him. I'd like to say that I chose to leave because it was the right thing to do, and I wanted to do the "right thing" for once that night. But I left for a different reason. I left because I didn't care. I didn't care about him, or about the kiss that we shared. It literally was just a physical reaction.
That night, I spent the whole puzzled by this. I enjoyed the kiss, it was nice and exciting, but to attach that feeling to a real human being seemed impossible this time. It was like I had been looking at pornography and imagined it all and now, I was feeling kind of stupid and pathetic for my actions and so just closed off the site then shut down the computer.
Somehow that's all that Harrison was to me, and it bothered me that I didn't feel more guilty for it.
I knew that it was time to reach out to another person for help.
------Half time-------
I think it's best that I keep writing but go ahead and post this first part, because the more I wait (and the more I write) the more reluctant I become to let it go.
My apologies for typos or poor grammar, I really didn't want to spend anymore time proof reading. This post has taking a lot of pride out of me.
Love or lust?
How can we tell?
Which do we want the most?
As difficult as the first question is for many of us to decipher, the third one will continue to taunt us until we change our mind about the first. Confused?
Yep, so was I .
Unlike most women, I hate shopping. I despise the changing rooms, scanning the price tags, and remembering which groceries to get. On the other hand, online shopping is amazing! I can shop from any store compare items read reviews and find the right sizes without having to redress a dozen times in the store. I've learned, over years of bad experience, the best purchase is an educated one.
Determining which is better, love or lust (and which is which) is no different than shopping. It can either be a painful process of trial and error OR it can be a learning experience when we are able to gather the wisdom that others have accumulated from their good and bad choices, much like a " review".
Now, of course, we can gather "reviews" about this subject from just about anywhere. But if you say that you put your faith in God, then the best place would be the Bible. Either way, it's best to find a source that you can trust wholeheartedly, so you don't end up writing a negative review of your own.
Now is the time for me to come clean before all my readers about a few things. I know that with everything that I've written so far that statement might sound a little ridiculous, but some of the best liars will tell you, the best way to cover up for something you did is to confess to something else. This is not a cover up...
About a month ago I was reading from my new Bible app (just to try it out and play around with the different versions offered) when I decided to try out "The Message" version. I had heard other people quote from it and use it in their studies, but I had yet to crack it myself. I finally put it to what I considered "the real test", when I turned to read from Romans. The book Romans (specifically the first chapter) has held the key to my life and my choices ever since college. I found that The Message's interpretation of it was not that astounding, but that led me to read on instead of stop. And in Romans 2:1-13 it says this:
1 Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors.2 But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.3 You didn't think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard?4 Or did you think that because he's such a nice God, he'd let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.5 You're not getting by with anything. Every refusal and avoidance of God adds fuel to the fire. The day is coming when it's going to blaze hot and high, God's fiery and righteous judgment.6 Make no mistake: In the end you get what's coming to you -7 Real Life for those who work on God's side,8 but to those who insist on getting their own way and take the path of least resistance, Fire!9 If you go against the grain, you get splinters, regardless of which neighborhood you're from, what your parents taught you, what schools you attended.10 But if you embrace the way God does things, there are wonderful payoffs, again without regard to where you are from or how you were brought up.11 Being a Jew won't give you an automatic stamp of approval. God pays no attention to what others say (or what you think) about you. He makes up his own mind.12 If you sin without knowing what you're doing, God takes that into account. But if you sin knowing full well what you're doing, that's a different story entirely.13 Merely hearing God's law is a waste of your time if you don't do what he commands. Doing, not hearing, is what makes the difference with God.
I know that I'm forgiven by both God and my husband. I know that I could just sweep by this little detail and not write about it on here. But then I would be the very kind of leader, mentor, hypocritical Christian that I despise. And knowing that it's now time that I just come out and say just what I'm thinking, I feel sick to my stomach - a feeling that I didn't get when I spoke with Drew or God about this.
Within the past year 2011, I started frequenting the bar scene, and not just any bar either, a "gay friendly" bar not too far from where I live.
Sometimes people say that they wanted to make their own mistakes, that they want to learn the hard way. What I hear though is, "Stop telling me what to do, because I want to do it - right or wrong, I don't care." I know that's really what they mean, because I hear that same thought pass through my head when I want to do something that I know is probably a mistake.
So why do we do that?
Why would I say that to myself?
I obviously know that what I'm doing is potentially the wrong or immoral choice to make, but that doesn't stop me from pursuing it. In fact, that knowledge makes me push even harder and faster to get my way. It becomes an accelerated decline down a very steep hill and I just throw my hands up and yell "Weee!". Am I really just that stupid? Do I not realize that at the end of this "ride" I'm on is an abrupt stop?
Here's my review of the "ride" down.
I had a plan. I had purpose. I felt that I had moved on and was ready to share my experiences with the world, so that they could learn from my failures and wisdom gained. But while still examining my scars and exchanging battle stories, I seemed to have lost the memory of the pain that came with them.
I hope that this story is over now that I can "put the past behind me" and move forward, but in all honesty - if my past has taught me anything, it's taught me that I can't trust myself.
I never hooked up with a woman or even met anyone there that really sparked my interest, but I was looking. I kept coming back to that same bar. Over and over again I'd see that there's nothing there for me. Sure, I would end up in a game of darts or a conversation with the bartender, but most nights, from the minute I stepped through the doorway, I knew I had made a mistake. It's was boring, and I wasted money just by coming in.
I was there looking for excitement, maybe looking for "an experience". I don't know, I was frightened about finally having one that maybe I was there to challenge my fears. It was all so pointless and stupid, but I just wouldn't stop coming back - like I had no place else to go.
Later, I would justify that I'm not really looking for a woman, I'm looking for a place to hang out, and this is one of the few bars I can go to where I will not get hit on by men. Then I met a man. He said his name was Harrison and that he works in construction, but apparently construction means weekend male stripper at a gay bar, because where I found him.
I knew that the bar did those kind of shows occasionally, but I never attended. The night that I met Harrison, I came in later after "the show" was over (clothing was on). When I walked in, I could tell he was part of the entertainment by the way all the guys were surrounding him. I proceeded to advert my eyes away from all of this because it bothered me (treating people like meat) and plus I wasn't there to find a man. The next part of the story gets a little fuzzy, possibly because of the alcohol involved, or maybe because my guilt has blocked it out. I think when most people come to this part, the common thing to say is, "And one thing led to another...yada, yada, yada...and we kissed.
He wanted me to wait for him to get done with his shift. I did, for awhile, but then I left. I left because I wasn't sure what I waiting for. I mean, I'm not stupid, I knew why he wanted me to wait - He wanted to take me home with him. I'd like to say that I chose to leave because it was the right thing to do, and I wanted to do the "right thing" for once that night. But I left for a different reason. I left because I didn't care. I didn't care about him, or about the kiss that we shared. It literally was just a physical reaction.
That night, I spent the whole puzzled by this. I enjoyed the kiss, it was nice and exciting, but to attach that feeling to a real human being seemed impossible this time. It was like I had been looking at pornography and imagined it all and now, I was feeling kind of stupid and pathetic for my actions and so just closed off the site then shut down the computer.
Somehow that's all that Harrison was to me, and it bothered me that I didn't feel more guilty for it.
I knew that it was time to reach out to another person for help.
------Half time-------
I think it's best that I keep writing but go ahead and post this first part, because the more I wait (and the more I write) the more reluctant I become to let it go.
My apologies for typos or poor grammar, I really didn't want to spend anymore time proof reading. This post has taking a lot of pride out of me.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
When the new wears off
Memory can be a funny thing...
I can remember my first bicycle. I was probably less than five, but what I remember most is that the first time I tried to tame it, it technically wasn't mine. In fact, it belonged to someone else entirely and we were just visiting their house. But it looked like a dirt bike (with training wheels) and I just couldn't resist maneuvering my body in an attempt to straddle it. Sometime later the family that owned my dream bike, decided to give it to us. I loved that bright orange bike for a whole .... month! (maybe two) before I was bored and ready to move on.
This happens all the time, and not just to kids either. Every time I've salivated at the possibility of owning a new car or moving to a new house, or getting some new furniture, I end up like this.
At the time, in the moment, it was ALL that I needed to be complete, but before I can even find a new thing to desire, it's already become mundane .
What is it about us? (because I highly doubt that I'm the only one)
What tempts us towards boredom and dullness after we have attained the very thing that we always wanted?
Is it just a problem with Americans?
Or is all humanity just gluttonous from the start?
Is to be human to be discontented?
When the new wears off, we discard and move on.
I've stopped going to self-help meetings and support groups for now. I guess you could say that the new has worn off for me. I just don't feel the urgency or the desire to explore my inner workings anymore, at least in that area. I've accepted the fact that I am no different than the rest of the gay community in my attraction towards other women, but that I have made a choice. A choice, not to try and flush those desires out of me entirely, but a choice to follow God on faith and His teachings.
The Bible does not say that I should not feel anything when I see a beautiful woman. The "don'ts" about this subject are fairly clear. Don't "lie" with her. Of course, the word "lie" implies sex, but "sex" itself is open to personal interpretation now days. I would side with prudence on this one though, just to be cautious. This is not just the afterlife I'm talking about, when it comes to sin it's much more immediate than that. Sin separates us from God. Just like an affair, it destroys our relationship with Him. I believe caution would be well advised.
My gay friend Patty seems to believe that caution is for traditionalists, those who seek to oppress others based on what they've been taught by others.
If I were to sum up the core beliefs of our gay Christian friends, I would say that...
Ok, here it is.
This happens all the time, and not just to kids either. Every time I've salivated at the possibility of owning a new car or moving to a new house, or getting some new furniture, I end up like this.
At the time, in the moment, it was ALL that I needed to be complete, but before I can even find a new thing to desire, it's already become mundane .
What is it about us? (because I highly doubt that I'm the only one)
What tempts us towards boredom and dullness after we have attained the very thing that we always wanted?
Is it just a problem with Americans?
Or is all humanity just gluttonous from the start?
Is to be human to be discontented?
When the new wears off, we discard and move on.
I've stopped going to self-help meetings and support groups for now. I guess you could say that the new has worn off for me. I just don't feel the urgency or the desire to explore my inner workings anymore, at least in that area. I've accepted the fact that I am no different than the rest of the gay community in my attraction towards other women, but that I have made a choice. A choice, not to try and flush those desires out of me entirely, but a choice to follow God on faith and His teachings.
The Bible does not say that I should not feel anything when I see a beautiful woman. The "don'ts" about this subject are fairly clear. Don't "lie" with her. Of course, the word "lie" implies sex, but "sex" itself is open to personal interpretation now days. I would side with prudence on this one though, just to be cautious. This is not just the afterlife I'm talking about, when it comes to sin it's much more immediate than that. Sin separates us from God. Just like an affair, it destroys our relationship with Him. I believe caution would be well advised.
My gay friend Patty seems to believe that caution is for traditionalists, those who seek to oppress others based on what they've been taught by others.
If I were to sum up the core beliefs of our gay Christian friends, I would say that...
- They want to be saved (just like other Christians).
- They like the example of Jesus, what He stands for, and refer to Him and the gospels more than any other part of the Bible.
- They believe that God is not defined by gender and neither are we.
- They believe that the homosexual acts as spoken of in the Old Testament, were more about the rape and violence, and that love for one another was not involved at all. So these verses do not apply to their circumstances.
- They don't just question the apostle Paul's written word, but many have offered up doubt about his integrity.
- They redefine "inspiration of scripture" as meaning simply that the person writing had a heart that wanted to serve the Lord. So in reality their word is no different than our own opinion.
- Love and acceptance of others, just the way they are, is the most important thing to them.
- They think other Christians who believe the "old way" only believe that because they were taught this way stemming from tradition, ignorance, or hate. Proper re-education is what they see as turning this into a non-issue inside the church.
- Scientific explanations through observation of nature (animals, plants, human behavior) have just as much or more collateral than the Bible itself. Because divine inspiration is not what it was thought to be, science can help us come to a better interpretation of scripture.
- They believe that God would not create someone who is innately sinful. So a gay person who is condemned from the start would be a cruel joke, and God is not that cruel.
- Being gay is not just an action to them. It is their defining factor, and to take it away or to say, "It is sinful.", is like calling them "sin", itself.
- The fight for the expression of their love, is a very real battle that they face everyday. They take it as a personal attack and their ears only hear hate when spoken to about a conflicting word from scripture.
- They see Christians who disapprove of their beliefs as hypocritical and unloving, therefore they must not be very good followers of Jesus.
I know that there is SO much more to be said about this. In fact, I probably did not adequately represent every belief that is out there right now (there are so many), however, I do know that the most ironic detail is that when looking for answers to any questions that may arise within them, They are only open to listen to others like themselves. The rest of us are just ignorant or intolerant.
They are the enlightened.
Ok, here it is.
I'm not against someone who calls themselves "gay" becoming a Christian or falling in love with Jesus. I think it's encouraging to see this gigantic gap being filled in by the church. I just become concerned by the obvious red flags that emerge while interpreting the Bible with agenda to prove then settling with, "God's-inspired" is not all that it's cracked up to be.
When I first started writing this blog, I had a much different point of view about all this. I was enraged by my friend's pursuit to "enlighten" so many others of her newly discovered truth. I felt like it was my duty, my calling, to put a stop to her re-education and evangelism. And sadly, many of my conversations with Patty and her friends over the Internet became all about me trying to show her the facts. As time went by, I realized this anger and frustration with all arguing about who is right and who is wrong, is not what God has called any one of us to do.
This might sound like I'm giving up, or becoming more liberal and less conservative in my thinking.
I think, I'm getting wiser.
I think that the heat of the fight or the anticipation of playing a key role for a seemingly HUGE cause has started to cool down a bit. The result, I can now step back and see things more clearly.
I see the church fighting against homosexual this and gay rights that. I hear about it all the time on the Christian radio stations. It's no big mystery that it's a hot issue in our world right now. And I'm not going to preach, "Love the sinner, but hate the sin." either. But something I came to see finally, is the world is not going to end with homosexuality.
We don't need to act as if they are "the plague" invading our towns, our schools, our families. We are all sinners. Being angry at someone never made them want to listen. Quoting scripture at them to prove them wrong, will not tear down the walls they've built inside
I understand the panic, feeling like they are trying to change our nation, or take our freedom away. But shoving back will only be their ammunition. I believe that God has shown us there is a better way.
The new has worn off for me, but I've not forgotten what has brought me this far as a Christian:
my humility, and His love.
This might sound like I'm giving up, or becoming more liberal and less conservative in my thinking.
I think, I'm getting wiser.
I think that the heat of the fight or the anticipation of playing a key role for a seemingly HUGE cause has started to cool down a bit. The result, I can now step back and see things more clearly.
I see the church fighting against homosexual this and gay rights that. I hear about it all the time on the Christian radio stations. It's no big mystery that it's a hot issue in our world right now. And I'm not going to preach, "Love the sinner, but hate the sin." either. But something I came to see finally, is the world is not going to end with homosexuality.
We don't need to act as if they are "the plague" invading our towns, our schools, our families. We are all sinners. Being angry at someone never made them want to listen. Quoting scripture at them to prove them wrong, will not tear down the walls they've built inside
I understand the panic, feeling like they are trying to change our nation, or take our freedom away. But shoving back will only be their ammunition. I believe that God has shown us there is a better way.
The new has worn off for me, but I've not forgotten what has brought me this far as a Christian:
my humility, and His love.
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