Footnote

More about the boys in my life ...Well, hmm I should have made a footnote to myself because I have no idea what else I was gonna say about that.


I guess I could start with my life goals and dreams that I had developed by this point.

I wanted a family of my own. That meant a husband who would be by simple definition, a man who loved God and put Him first. After that my only other expectation was that we would be the best of friends. Still stuck on the husband part: I had heard so many times, both from people I knew and from those on TV, women marry and seek out men with the same characteristics as their father. I assure you that if I were to witness anything remotely resembling my Dad, I would run the other way.

Family to me also meant having children.

Remember way back at the beginning of this blog? I'd said that I hated playing with dolls of any kind. Children to me meant more than holding a baby or making a duplicate of myself. Even though I didn't put it to words then even inside my own head, I always knew that the reason I wanted a family of my own with children was to make things right. I wanted to rewrite the story of my life. I didn't want a "mini me" or to recreate a scenario of a family to reenact specific scenes - No. I wanted to start fresh and brand spank'n new. But in seeing things done right for my children and within my new family, my childhood might be vindicated.

I also had one more expectation for this dream family of mine.
I would have at least one daughter.

It makes sense, doesn't it?

I needed to view the world through her eyes, I didn't want her to see the world through mine. With no other goals in mind -as for as career (because my first and second choice were not panning out: professional singer/songwriter or Olympic soccer star) I had this family idea as an absolute MUST for my life. I almost believed in it as if God had promised it to me. As if He owed it to me.

After High School graduation...

My Dad got a job in Illinois. This was after we had lost our house due to him being unable to work well with people and tolerate their differences. My senior year was spent living out of moving boxes in our small apartment and to top it off his new truck got repossessed so guess which car he took...Yep, that's right. (I'm not bitter)
*Sigh* Moving on...

Naturally, I immediately sought after a summer job for the sole purpose of working my butt off to buy another car before heading off to college.

Leaving behind everyone I knew in exchange for nothing familiar to me at all was very hard even for a summer.
One thing made it bearable.

I'm not sure what IL is known for besides the trees marking the houses and one heck of a boring drive. But if the department of tourism ever asked me for a billboard slogan, it might read, "Land of Lincoln and of WOWSER HOT MEN!!" (Insert the googlie eyes popping out). Yeah not really catchy but it gets the point across.

My "sex drive" for guys was awakened that summer. My dedication to my promise to wait for marriage became ridiculously blurred. None of the men I dated that summer were even close to future mate status to me but none of that seemed to matter. I was feeling incredible in ways that I never had thought possible in real life.
I was having FUN! ..... yet every night I would go to bed feeling awful about myself and wondering, "what the heck am I doing? I know better than to behave this way." Like a moth to a flame, and I was no exception.


Ok Folks, I got be honest. I have no idea what to write about tonight. This story about IL seems like a side story at best. I'm tired, I guess. But mostly I'm just living in the NOW.

It's hard to look back when you are so busy with what's going on today. Don't we all run into that trap sometimes? I'm not saying that living in the past and ignoring the present is the way to a good future. (I crack myself up) But how many times do we get wrapped up in our everyday lives and forget about those friends and/or family that helped to make it all possible for us?
Just a thought.

The NOW for me...
I just read my kids their nighttime story and tucked my son in to his "big boy bed" that I bought for him today. I gave my daughter a shower (that's right she's 3 but takes showers already) because she decided to draw all over herself with ink today.

I tucked her in and she asked me to talk to God for her. I asked her what she wanted me to say mainly because I sometimes go blank on what to say and really wanted her to do the praying tonight. She listed off a few things from her day, "laying down" Happy to just be in bed, "shower" Thankful to be clean and play in the water, "going outside" I pushed them outside to play after the sun came out and we all had a good time.
She has such simple prayers but I forget that we don't really need to say anymore than that sometimes.

My daughter was thankful for her day and she just wanted to summarize it for God before she went to sleep. I love it and I love her.

You'll notice that I have a heading over my picture on here. It says, "I am blessed".
I really am.

As much as I struggle with discontentment and worry that I will never have and never be enough, yet everyday I feel as if I come face to face with my dream family.

We are far from perfection but perfection was never a requirement or an expectation (then at least, not saying that the expectation doesn't seep through occasionally now --but then that brings me back to the issue of "discontentment").

My husband is such a great Daddy to both the kids.
I get a little teary-eyed and envious when I see how my daughter looks at her Daddy, and how they laugh and play together. She has him wrapped around her finger. (So far, she has used that privilege responsibly.) And that's the way it should be, Daddy and his princess.
All I can say is I am blessed.


Next Update...
Give me a day or so to read through my previous posts and regroup my thoughts on all this. I want it to make sense and not just be me writing for some sort of cyber spotlight.

I think my spouse was right. He told me tonight, after I let him on the problem I was having, that I probably lost some momentum by taking such a long break between posts. So I will try and not let that happen again. I want to get this stuff cranked out of my head as quickly as possible.

It's a learning experience for all of us - especially me.

Thanks again for all of the personal messages and emails.
Your insight on my life (based on what I have told you of it) is invaluable to me. Some of your observations have really helped me to see my past in a way completely new to me.

Anyway, Thanks.

Please check back in a couple of days.