College Kids

I set out for college not really knowing what I wanted to do, but college was the next logical step after High School. I was doing what everyone was doing and so I was doing what I was supposed to.

I had visited a particular Christian college that my youth minister was a grad from while on trips with our church group. I had been surrounded all summer with nothing familiar, but I knew if I went to that college I would be closer to "home" again. "Home is where the heart is."

I knew a few friends from the youth group would also end up there and that was comforting. However, I did NOT know that Rosa was making last minute plans to enroll as well.

I had spent all this time wishing and day dreaming about us going to college together, but NOW that it was becoming a reality.....

The lump in my stomach didn't dissipate till half way through the first year. I was anxious and embarrassed of myself. It was not simply nervousness. I didn't want to mix up the realities inside my head. Sometimes the truth would get smeared. Kind of like after you have told a lie to several people but forgot to take notes on who you've told it to and what parts you lied about. It can get confusing and ugly if you're not careful.
I couldn't even be around her like that. I didn't know what to do where to even put my hands sometimes (my pockets? should I cross my arms? etc). Everything was a guessing game. I would question my motivations for wanting to even acknowledge her existence. I wasn't wanting my fantasies to come true by this point...They scared me.
I wanted to be functional as a normal human being.

I wanted to erase all the scenarios that I had written inside my head.

I wanted to be able to say hello without questioning "why?".

Avoiding her seemed difficult the first year. All of us from youth group were always doing things together.

Rosa and I lived in the same dorm although not the same floor. I would sometimes dare myself to stop by once in awhile. I did this just to prove to myself that I was capable of moving past it. I still had a lot of unanswered questions about things she had said to me from our previous life together, but I knew that now was certainly not the time to address those - if ever!

One night that I stopped in to say, "hello" and I started a conversation, not about OUR past but about mine. I spent around half an hour explaining my screwed up family life at home that I had kept secret all these years. I had only told probably two other people before talking to her about it. But I knew a little of her families history and their struggles. I thought it might help to open up a new avenue of conversation for her to know that mine was positioned below the perfection line as well. I spilled my family's juicy secrets and many of my horrible run in stories with my Father. I was hoping for a connection (not just sympathy) but on a new level, thus I could finally get away from my delusional relationship with her.

Rosa's reaction...........

........

Huh?! Are you still there? Yeah, well I'm still waiting for it too. She didn't have any reaction. Nothing. A blank stare is all I got. Yet she wasn't staring at me. No, she was staring at everything and anything NOT me.
Frustrated and confused I said "goodnight" and walked out of the room. It wasn't till close to the time of her graduation from college did I ever enter her room again.



Ok, I'm gonna quit here...To be continued on or before next Monday (the 5th)

Comment please - Thanks =]