I recently got a personal message from a friend I have on facebook. She was responding to things I have said on facebook pages and in my blog.
She states (almost as a question), "You seem to be so at ease with your anger...".
I'm not quite sure what she meant by that.
But nothing I write here is easy EVER.
Well, maybe the mushroom part ;)
I find it easier to get by and blurt out the truth about my life and myself (even what I consider the DARK parts of me) when I present it in somewhat light-hearted manner. That means that I would like to laugh a little while I talk about the things I regret and resent within my past.
It doesn't mean that I fail to feel all those horrible emotions and relive the god-awful memories inside my head everytime I open the door to consider them. I HAVE spent a great deal of time and energy into feeling resentment and hostiality towards my Dad and even my Mom now that I know they could have done something to put a stop to all of this.
All of this that I still ...
it's like Mrs Rosevelt said..it's never over, never completly gone.
What good does it do though to spend my life hating what I am powerless to change?
One thing I have learned from watching the young and innocent die is that there is tears and heartache yet the rest of life moves on.
Whether you want it to or you are ready for it or not, doesn't matter.
I'm at "ease" with knowing that God is control of it all despite my failures and my father's failures. I can laugh and cry in the same sentence because I know that He wins. He has already won. I have been trusting in Him my whole life, I'm not about to stop now.
My friend wasn't asking me to either...
I hope she does not feel embarrassed that I wrote about her letter. It was not my intention to mock it or to make fun. I thought it was a valid point and I wanted to address it.
I'm not a stone. This stuff DOES bother me.
the fact that you can add humor shows how much you've healed. it sounds like your very close to forgiveness... the only thing that truly heals all wounds.
ReplyDeletei get this weekly email from a woman who spoke at our church in chicago. she is really an inspiration. i'm posting one of them because it feel its relevant :)
Are you ready to live free?
-by Jennifer Hadley
The past is over, gone, history, done - unless I keep it alive in my mind. I've learned that it's possible to re-experience a painful moment from the past hundreds and thousands of times as though it were happening right now. In my mind I've reviewed past mistakes, hurts and upsets with such attention and thoroughness that I've felt the physical pain and suffering, the mental and emotional anguish, as though it were happening now, again and again.
I used the power of my mind and the full force of my creative intelligence to create a torture chamber. What I would never let someone else do to me I was doing to myself. One day, I said "Enough! I do not deserve this treatment and I will not tolerate it for another moment." The prisoner had taken all that she could bear and was finally willing to listen to Divine Guidance.
Spirit told me to forgive. Spirit told me that what had been no longer was and that I could let go of it if I wanted to. All I had to do was give up my attachment to my opinions about what happened. All I had to do was stop trying to be the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-judging god in my world. All I had to do was be willing to let God be God.
Like a shaft of light in utter darkness my prayers were answered in the form of clear insight and inspiration. It was all up to me. I could decide to let bygones be bygones. If I wanted to I could step out of the torture chamber at any moment and claim my freedom. All I had to do was let God be God. And I did. I finally did. Whew! And Woo hoo!
Now, I see that NOW is all there is and I am FREE FOREVER.
Affirmation
I let bygones, be bygones and I am free now and forever. Woo hoo!
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