Man-Eater

"Boyfriends" were not a new thing to me, but kissing had waited till my junior year of H.S.
His name was Kyle and he introduced me to "the tongue".

Kyle and I met in Drama class. He sat behind me and we became better acquainted that way. Kyle was what many people would call "goth". He wore the black combat boots with the black t-shirt (occasionally with a skull or band logo such as AC/DC or Pink Floyd) and the forever stylish jet black trench coat. He was thin with short dark hair and he had an addiction to Mt Dew like you wouldn't believe. I was not goth, but I was lost. And he took notice of me so it made me feel better. Kyle and I dated a whopping two weeks, I think. He dumped me actually and did it over the phone. I didn't really like him that much so I'm not quite sure why it made me cry. Maybe it was just the simple rejection.

Every moment that we spent together we were talking with our mouths glued to one another in some way. There was no relationship to it. We were "rebels" together. Teachers would catch us outside the school or in the hallways "making-out" and tell us that we were in violation of school rules and threaten us with detention. I knew the 'why's' of the break-up even before he tried to make some lame excuse up for it. I wouldn't "put out", it was as simple as that. He was still a virgin at that time, and I knew it. I also knew that he was a guy and we were always getting closer physically. He knew that I was a virgin too and my convictions were strong in waiting for marriage. So Kyle moved on. Still I felt like I was losing my first friend in H.S. I was finding out that "being close" to me was NOT enough to keep someone.

After Kyle, my dating life went wild. I had standards but they were extremely low (as if Kyle wasn't low enough).

It became a game to me.

I would spot the easy target and then aim all my flirtatiousness in his direction. And I KNEW how to flirt extremely well. After all, I had the greatest teacher. Remember Rosa? Rosa was the expert at flirting. She got MY attention.

None of the guys (aka targets) meant anything to me, but still I would make-out with them and get close just enough that they felt like they were in love with me. They desperately wanted me. And then I was gone. Without even an explanation of why and how this tragedy in their life was happening. I enjoyed it. Not the heartbreak, but the attention and intense emotion that they felt towards me. The heartbreak was just an inevitable result to my pleasure from their longing. Because I couldn't stay after they told me that they really loved me. I didn't love them.

In the end I was very cold-hearted about it and just didn't care. All at the same time this was going on (one guy after another) I was this dynamic conservative Christian who wanted to change the world for Christ.

I don't want you to think that I didn't ever feel an attraction to guys, because I did.

But the guys I was attracted to were so far out of my league it seemed. I knew I was weird and not wonderfully feminine looking like many of other girls I knew. Even though I was prettier and had grown out of the "Tom-buy" stage ( I even wore skirts and dresses to school, just for fun), I still thought that changing myself like that was not enough to make me beautiful. Or that it even made me all that different than I was before. On the inside, I was always the same Kayt.

This is a brief glimpse at a dark side of me that I still struggle with sometimes. I think it comes down to finding my self worth from other people's praise and also just a unquenchable thirst to have power over someone else. There is no logical excuse for my actions. They were just wrong.

I want to tell you about Nick because he is the one I think of the most when I consider this part of my life. I broke his heart and humiliated him in front of the entire crowded cafeteria. He was sitting at the table where I sat with all my friends (my groupies, not his - he was only there because of me). He started talking to me across the table in the noisy lunchroom. Asking me what's wrong? Why I don't talk to him or even look at him anymore? I'm just eating and pretending to not even hear him. Then he blurts out, "I love you, Kayt" and that was the last straw to me. Everyone at the table and the surrounding tables had stopped talking and eating to turn and look at me. And I said in a very loud and stern voice, "I don't like you, ok?!"

Nick played football for the H.S. team and he was the stereo-type DUMB jock. His coach was my weight-training teacher and gave me a hard time for even dating him because he was so aloof. I was embarrassed of him. He embarrassed me that day and that was all I could think about.

This story seems totally unrelated to my struggle but there you go, I put it out there just for the heck of it. Maybe so you can know just what total hypocritical jerk I have been and still have the potential to be. I was cold-hearted and I didn't see it as contrary to anything related to my relationship with God.

I think next post will be a little more about me and the "boys" in my life but that should transition us to college. This one was very hard to write....I certainly don't like this unsympathetic and devious side of myself.