We left off with me falling apart in front of what was then my Best Friend, Ben.
I ended up telling him in a vague and somewhat artistic way just how I felt about him and us. I knew it wasn't right to push it. But looking back...I know I did.
After that moment between us I got bold.
I finally put my foot down on the whole relationship. Either me or her - "You NEED to CHOOSE." That was a mistake even before it came out of my mouth. I felt prideful desperation (If that is possible).
And Blah Blah...
He later told me he "missed" me over a summer break. YES!! PayOFF (Or so I thought, but no)
He and his girlfriend ended up separating because of distance and life choices, but Ben and I never became anything more than close friends.
In fact that friendship was already on the brink of over. I didn't want it that way obviously, but Ben no longer held an attraction to me. It was there when it wasn't supposed to be...and NOW that we had a chance and I had waited (did the "right" thing) ...He didn't want me anymore.
He still said he loved me, even more than a sister (whatever that means). It obviously wasn't enough and that's all I heard.
I pulled hair out over this.
I went to class every morning with red drained eyes.
School, life, my ultimate purpose and drive to serve the Lord was all taking the backseat to the heartache I felt.
It was OVER!
But how could it be?? This was what God wanted!
Wasn't it?!
Why would He (God) let me fall in love just to fall on my face??
Confusion...Pain ...anxiety...
Love doesn't just stop loving.
There were no answers to my questions.
Life kept moving on and somehow I had to keep moving too.
Next Up is:
My ultimate "Trust-Fall" I make a decision to trust God's thinking over my own.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Fate and Fairytales
I don't believe in fate. I DO believe that if they say that faith can move mountains, then literally, I expect a mountain to be MOVED.
I'm not sure if that's clear or not. But basically, I prayed for something specific and I believed that God heard and was capable to answer that prayer. No matter how absurd.
When I met Ben, I thought he was my answer.
After being introduced through a mutual friend Ben and I just clicked. We started to spend a lot of time together - just the two of us. I know what that implies but there was none of that going on. Ben had a girlfriend back home and he was certain that she was soon to be something more. She was not a Christian so that was the only debating factor in his mind.
On my side of it...It wasn't love at first sight. In fact, when we first met (although I thought the meeting was interestingly weird) my first impression was - dork.
It was later, after we started talking over milkshakes and tots that my heart started to become less guarded. I wasn't interested in becoming that "other girl" and stealing him away from his girlfriend, but I liked the conversations that we shared together. I enjoyed his company.
Now to get really embarrassing (for me).... BECAUSE hindsight IS 20/20...
I started seeing circumstances, scenarios and odd happenings all around me that seemed to keep pushing us together. I thought it was God doing it. I thought...
I was getting EXACTLY what I prayed for.
My prayer went something like this:
God,
I know I'm not going to be looking for him anymore. My focus is on school this time. But I just think it would easier if I KNEW that "He" actually exists. So even if its not the right time and EVEN IF he and I are both not ready yet... Could you please just allow me to SEE him and KNOW that "he" is real. I want to know that you are listening and have a plan for me. I just want to see him. Even if he doesn't see me.
Just to know.....
I never fantasized about Ben. I never imagined things happening while I was alone concerning the two of us. It wasn't like that. But I knew I felt different when he was near me.
The butterflies when he entered the room -check,
The nervousness/giddiness -check check,
And
The never wanting our time together to ever end -check check
CHECK!
Not to mention my breaking heart every time I let myself realize that I was "falling" for him and he still had a girlfriend.
You could look back and say, I was delusional about the whole relationship. I became certain that this was God's plan. I believed that I had pushed it (the meeting before its time) and the direct result was pain for me.
Apparently, "knowing" was not as good as I thought it would be.
My only consolation was knowing that sometime in the future we would be together. The plan had already been made by God Himself.
Of course, I couldn't share any of these seemingly crazy notions of answered prayers with Ben. He was my best friend but I couldn't share what was in my heart with him. And it was eating me up inside.
He accompanied me to my hometown just for a fun break from school over a weekend. We went to visit my old H.S., and some of the famous landmarks around the city (famous to me and my H.S. friends anyway). While we were ice skating, that's when it happened. The bottom finally fell out. All my efforts to keep it up inside were not holding anymore. He was on the ice and I was on the bleachers, and I started to cry.
I couldn't stop it.
There was no going back after he saw me. I knew he would ask- "Why?"
What was I going to say to that? The truth was always there with me, but I kept it just out of reach.
I wanted to marry him and I'd never felt that way about any man before.
To be cont'd
(BTW- Just in case you were wondering, My husband's name is Drew)
I'm not sure if that's clear or not. But basically, I prayed for something specific and I believed that God heard and was capable to answer that prayer. No matter how absurd.
When I met Ben, I thought he was my answer.
After being introduced through a mutual friend Ben and I just clicked. We started to spend a lot of time together - just the two of us. I know what that implies but there was none of that going on. Ben had a girlfriend back home and he was certain that she was soon to be something more. She was not a Christian so that was the only debating factor in his mind.
On my side of it...It wasn't love at first sight. In fact, when we first met (although I thought the meeting was interestingly weird) my first impression was - dork.
It was later, after we started talking over milkshakes and tots that my heart started to become less guarded. I wasn't interested in becoming that "other girl" and stealing him away from his girlfriend, but I liked the conversations that we shared together. I enjoyed his company.
Now to get really embarrassing (for me).... BECAUSE hindsight IS 20/20...
I started seeing circumstances, scenarios and odd happenings all around me that seemed to keep pushing us together. I thought it was God doing it. I thought...
I was getting EXACTLY what I prayed for.
My prayer went something like this:
God,
I know I'm not going to be looking for him anymore. My focus is on school this time. But I just think it would easier if I KNEW that "He" actually exists. So even if its not the right time and EVEN IF he and I are both not ready yet... Could you please just allow me to SEE him and KNOW that "he" is real. I want to know that you are listening and have a plan for me. I just want to see him. Even if he doesn't see me.
Just to know.....
I never fantasized about Ben. I never imagined things happening while I was alone concerning the two of us. It wasn't like that. But I knew I felt different when he was near me.
The butterflies when he entered the room -check,
The nervousness/giddiness -check check,
And
The never wanting our time together to ever end -check check
CHECK!
Not to mention my breaking heart every time I let myself realize that I was "falling" for him and he still had a girlfriend.
You could look back and say, I was delusional about the whole relationship. I became certain that this was God's plan. I believed that I had pushed it (the meeting before its time) and the direct result was pain for me.
Apparently, "knowing" was not as good as I thought it would be.
My only consolation was knowing that sometime in the future we would be together. The plan had already been made by God Himself.
Of course, I couldn't share any of these seemingly crazy notions of answered prayers with Ben. He was my best friend but I couldn't share what was in my heart with him. And it was eating me up inside.
He accompanied me to my hometown just for a fun break from school over a weekend. We went to visit my old H.S., and some of the famous landmarks around the city (famous to me and my H.S. friends anyway). While we were ice skating, that's when it happened. The bottom finally fell out. All my efforts to keep it up inside were not holding anymore. He was on the ice and I was on the bleachers, and I started to cry.
I couldn't stop it.
There was no going back after he saw me. I knew he would ask- "Why?"
What was I going to say to that? The truth was always there with me, but I kept it just out of reach.
I wanted to marry him and I'd never felt that way about any man before.
To be cont'd
(BTW- Just in case you were wondering, My husband's name is Drew)
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
ZZZZzzz...?!?
School was hard for me.
College was even Harder.
I came to college with poor habits in organization and simple study skills. As you already know I am one of those "last minute" people. And with my parents miles and miles away I had no one to tell me that I needed to go to bed at a descent hour or my body would suffer. (And it did!) To sum it up, I might have matured in some ways but the skills needed to excel in school were stuck in adolescence.
In H.S. I had witnessed other kids sleeping at their desk. In moments of boredom, I attempted to do the same but never could get comfortable enough.
I never understood the art of sleeping while sitting even while inside a car or van on a long road trip.
I was a light sleeper. But right after I got to college, I could not seem to wake up! I wasn't trying to sleep in class, but it seemed like the only thing I COULD do. It was incredibly frustrating sometimes. I actually wondered if they were emitting some kind of gas through the vents into the room making it so difficult for me to stay awake.
Keeping up with assignments and reading came secondary to my social life that semester. I was going anywhere and everywhere except to my own dorm room to study. The library only existed when I was meeting another friend there to head off somewhere else. I must have thought I was on a Super Retreat or something. I'm not really sure...I didn't drink at all but the whole semester is kind of a blur to me now.
I met alot of guys that I took notice of but they seemed too preoccupied with other girls. At one point I was told by an upper classman from my dorm that I was popular. She said this as if she felt privileged to get to spend time talking to me. I was shocked by that. Of course being popular seemed like a good thing and probably my forever goal while at any school, but just looking around I couldn't see a single real friend in my life. There was no one who knew me or even acted as if they cared to get past the superficial. I was lonely.
....AND I was close to flunking out of college.
I had winter break (apox 4 weeks) to get my act together before school started up again. I was placed on academic probation. This meant that I was limited in my hours I could take, and I had to maintain a certain GPA by the end of the term.
None of that bothered me too much because.... I MADE A Decision.
I decided that I didn't have to be what I always thought I was (which was a failure). I could make myself into a super student if I wanted to (and I did!) Besides establishing better organizational skills for my classwork, I also developed a better bedtime routine and social discipline for my busy class schedule. I would start projects when they were assigned and not wait till the night before they were due. The Library had become my home away from home and my dorm room desk was actually sat at and used.
I quickly learned that if you say "No" a couple of times to your friends they stop asking you to join them to go places.
I was willing to do whatever it took even if it meant looking like a hermit to everyone around me.
More important than all the other study habits and wires I had recrossed in my brain. I had made a decision to NOT worry about guys anymore. I would be married to my books.
Later on that semester......
I met Ben.
College was even Harder.
I came to college with poor habits in organization and simple study skills. As you already know I am one of those "last minute" people. And with my parents miles and miles away I had no one to tell me that I needed to go to bed at a descent hour or my body would suffer. (And it did!) To sum it up, I might have matured in some ways but the skills needed to excel in school were stuck in adolescence.
In H.S. I had witnessed other kids sleeping at their desk. In moments of boredom, I attempted to do the same but never could get comfortable enough.
I never understood the art of sleeping while sitting even while inside a car or van on a long road trip.
I was a light sleeper. But right after I got to college, I could not seem to wake up! I wasn't trying to sleep in class, but it seemed like the only thing I COULD do. It was incredibly frustrating sometimes. I actually wondered if they were emitting some kind of gas through the vents into the room making it so difficult for me to stay awake.
Keeping up with assignments and reading came secondary to my social life that semester. I was going anywhere and everywhere except to my own dorm room to study. The library only existed when I was meeting another friend there to head off somewhere else. I must have thought I was on a Super Retreat or something. I'm not really sure...I didn't drink at all but the whole semester is kind of a blur to me now.
I met alot of guys that I took notice of but they seemed too preoccupied with other girls. At one point I was told by an upper classman from my dorm that I was popular. She said this as if she felt privileged to get to spend time talking to me. I was shocked by that. Of course being popular seemed like a good thing and probably my forever goal while at any school, but just looking around I couldn't see a single real friend in my life. There was no one who knew me or even acted as if they cared to get past the superficial. I was lonely.
....AND I was close to flunking out of college.
I had winter break (apox 4 weeks) to get my act together before school started up again. I was placed on academic probation. This meant that I was limited in my hours I could take, and I had to maintain a certain GPA by the end of the term.
None of that bothered me too much because.... I MADE A Decision.
I decided that I didn't have to be what I always thought I was (which was a failure). I could make myself into a super student if I wanted to (and I did!) Besides establishing better organizational skills for my classwork, I also developed a better bedtime routine and social discipline for my busy class schedule. I would start projects when they were assigned and not wait till the night before they were due. The Library had become my home away from home and my dorm room desk was actually sat at and used.
I quickly learned that if you say "No" a couple of times to your friends they stop asking you to join them to go places.
I was willing to do whatever it took even if it meant looking like a hermit to everyone around me.
More important than all the other study habits and wires I had recrossed in my brain. I had made a decision to NOT worry about guys anymore. I would be married to my books.
Later on that semester......
I met Ben.
Monday, April 5, 2010
My motivation
I think it should be obvious to everyone who has kept up so far that I'm no saint. But sometimes I think about the previous blog entry I posted and wonder... Have I told all the awful truth about me, or just enough so I wouldn't have to let you see just how completely terrible I can be?
A friend recently to wrote me (after reading this blog) saying much about sympathy and pity. She seems to believe that when people share their hard life stories, prompting an emotional response is their main purpose.
I want to clarify on here publicly as I did in my response privately to her.
I am NOT seeking sympathy.
I only ask for comments as an encouragement to let me know I am writing to someone other than myself.
My motivation:
I think we are far enough along in the story that I can say that I have a secrets. These secrets I have kept from many people close to me for a very long time.
I think there is a danger in keeping some things secret. My fantasy life and struggles within my head are very easy to keep to myself. However, when I challenge myself to let it out...To let you see inside my head...I am at your mercy. This is both scary and freeing.
All the time we hear of men and women "coming out of the closet". Just recently Ricky Martin did this publicly. He expressed how wonderful it felt to not have to hide THAT about himself anymore. There is a freedom felt when we let go of worrying of what others think, and we just LIVE. When you can spill out all that you have been thinking and feeling all along then it doesn't press on your heart as much. A giant weight has been lifted for Ricky, I would imagine.
I am not gay (homosexual) and have never referred to myself that way, but this is my "coming out". Take away what you will from it. All I ask is that you read it and know that I am being completely honest with you. This is me.
A friend recently to wrote me (after reading this blog) saying much about sympathy and pity. She seems to believe that when people share their hard life stories, prompting an emotional response is their main purpose.
I want to clarify on here publicly as I did in my response privately to her.
I am NOT seeking sympathy.
I only ask for comments as an encouragement to let me know I am writing to someone other than myself.
My motivation:
I think we are far enough along in the story that I can say that I have a secrets. These secrets I have kept from many people close to me for a very long time.
I think there is a danger in keeping some things secret. My fantasy life and struggles within my head are very easy to keep to myself. However, when I challenge myself to let it out...To let you see inside my head...I am at your mercy. This is both scary and freeing.
All the time we hear of men and women "coming out of the closet". Just recently Ricky Martin did this publicly. He expressed how wonderful it felt to not have to hide THAT about himself anymore. There is a freedom felt when we let go of worrying of what others think, and we just LIVE. When you can spill out all that you have been thinking and feeling all along then it doesn't press on your heart as much. A giant weight has been lifted for Ricky, I would imagine.
I am not gay (homosexual) and have never referred to myself that way, but this is my "coming out". Take away what you will from it. All I ask is that you read it and know that I am being completely honest with you. This is me.
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