Fate and Fairytales

I don't believe in fate. I DO believe that if they say that faith can move mountains, then literally, I expect a mountain to be MOVED.

I'm not sure if that's clear or not. But basically, I prayed for something specific and I believed that God heard and was capable to answer that prayer. No matter how absurd.

When I met Ben, I thought he was my answer.

After being introduced through a mutual friend Ben and I just clicked. We started to spend a lot of time together - just the two of us. I know what that implies but there was none of that going on. Ben had a girlfriend back home and he was certain that she was soon to be something more. She was not a Christian so that was the only debating factor in his mind.

On my side of it...It wasn't love at first sight. In fact, when we first met (although I thought the meeting was interestingly weird) my first impression was - dork.
It was later, after we started talking over milkshakes and tots that my heart started to become less guarded. I wasn't interested in becoming that "other girl" and stealing him away from his girlfriend, but I liked the conversations that we shared together. I enjoyed his company.

Now to get really embarrassing (for me).... BECAUSE hindsight IS 20/20...

I started seeing circumstances, scenarios and odd happenings all around me that seemed to keep pushing us together. I thought it was God doing it. I thought...
I was getting EXACTLY what I prayed for.

My prayer went something like this:

God,
I know I'm not going to be looking for him anymore. My focus is on school this time. But I just think it would easier if I KNEW that "He" actually exists. So even if its not the right time and EVEN IF he and I are both not ready yet... Could you please just allow me to SEE him and KNOW that "he" is real. I want to know that you are listening and have a plan for me. I just want to see him. Even if he doesn't see me.
Just to know.....



I never fantasized about Ben. I never imagined things happening while I was alone concerning the two of us. It wasn't like that. But I knew I felt different when he was near me.
The butterflies when he entered the room -check,

The nervousness/giddiness -check check,

And

The never wanting our time together to ever end -check check

CHECK!


Not to mention my breaking heart every time I let myself realize that I was "falling" for him and he still had a girlfriend.


You could look back and say, I was delusional about the whole relationship. I became certain that this was God's plan. I believed that I had pushed it (the meeting before its time) and the direct result was pain for me.
Apparently, "knowing" was not as good as I thought it would be.
My only consolation was knowing that sometime in the future we would be together. The plan had already been made by God Himself.

Of course, I couldn't share any of these seemingly crazy notions of answered prayers with Ben. He was my best friend but I couldn't share what was in my heart with him. And it was eating me up inside.

He accompanied me to my hometown just for a fun break from school over a weekend. We went to visit my old H.S., and some of the famous landmarks around the city (famous to me and my H.S. friends anyway). While we were ice skating, that's when it happened. The bottom finally fell out. All my efforts to keep it up inside were not holding anymore. He was on the ice and I was on the bleachers, and I started to cry.

I couldn't stop it.
There was no going back after he saw me. I knew he would ask- "Why?"

What was I going to say to that? The truth was always there with me, but I kept it just out of reach.

I wanted to marry him and I'd never felt that way about any man before.

To be cont'd





(BTW- Just in case you were wondering, My husband's name is Drew)