Ben there. Done that. And Now it's Over

We left off with me falling apart in front of what was then my Best Friend, Ben.

I ended up telling him in a vague and somewhat artistic way just how I felt about him and us. I knew it wasn't right to push it. But looking back...I know I did.

After that moment between us I got bold.
I finally put my foot down on the whole relationship. Either me or her - "You NEED to CHOOSE." That was a mistake even before it came out of my mouth. I felt prideful desperation (If that is possible).

And Blah Blah...

He later told me he "missed" me over a summer break. YES!! PayOFF (Or so I thought, but no)

He and his girlfriend ended up separating because of distance and life choices, but Ben and I never became anything more than close friends.
In fact that friendship was already on the brink of over. I didn't want it that way obviously, but Ben no longer held an attraction to me. It was there when it wasn't supposed to be...and NOW that we had a chance and I had waited (did the "right" thing) ...He didn't want me anymore.

He still said he loved me, even more than a sister (whatever that means). It obviously wasn't enough and that's all I heard.

I pulled hair out over this.
I went to class every morning with red drained eyes.
School, life, my ultimate purpose and drive to serve the Lord was all taking the backseat to the heartache I felt.

It was OVER!
But how could it be?? This was what God wanted!

Wasn't it?!

Why would He (God) let me fall in love just to fall on my face??

Confusion...Pain ...anxiety...
Love doesn't just stop loving.

There were no answers to my questions.
Life kept moving on and somehow I had to keep moving too.


Next Up is:
My ultimate "Trust-Fall" I make a decision to trust God's thinking over my own.