Stacked Against Me

Just keep remembering this is MY LIFE and not yours and we'll all try not to get offended.

I understand that I'm probably skipping many details, but by this point, I'm ready to just spit it out.


Still not understanding how or what occurred inside to make me feel the way I did about myself - and girls - and life in general...I felt forced with the fact that I had to "submit" to God's will. The facts were all stacked up against me.

So it seemed.
I say "so it seemed" because I was just now beginning to see the importance of the order that love came for me. I learned it as a child in Sunday School and didn't think twice about it till now...something clicked.
We love God because He first loved us.
Even our reasons for loving God are selfish (a fun fact). But more important than that is His love came first. We were tarnished from the start, hell bent to turn against Him (and He knew it) and still...

(It brings tears to my eyes.)

My reasoning...
If God tells me that I need to stop thinking about other women like that. And that I am a woman myself just like my genetic make-up tells me I am...Then I need to believe that just like everything else written in the Bible, He wants what's best for me. In rational thought..He would know right? He made me.

What other option did I have? It was right there in front of me. Cold hard fact that He said "Don't".

Before I was even back at my room I had begun to talk to Him about the upcoming decision. I laid down the rules for Him of the trust-fall. I said, "God, this is how it works...I do my part and You have to do yours."

I was dreading stepping through my dormroom door but as soon as I did I fell hard to my knees. and then later after I got into it, my face.

I wanted a miracle right then and there.
I wanted Him to miraculously transform me because I knew just how hard this was going to be.
I had to make a vow with Him or I knew I would never be faithful to hold to my convictions.
A vow with God is serious stuff, I know.
I told Him that it was all on His shoulders. All I could do was stop and try to believe. He would HAVE to DO the rest.

I held to that as if it was a promise he Had audibly made to me.

And the struggle got harder...because I had to stop being me.


Next Up: Difficult Changes

--Preview--

(Mirror Coaching)

"I'm a woman?" "I'm a woman." "I am a Woman."