Forbidden Love: too good to be true

I'm not a quitter.

Reality had been smeared.  There was nothing I could do about that now.  But I didn't want to let it go.  I didn't want to let go of what might have been a really great friendship. 

Veronica was funny with her adolescent humor (by that I mean, she made "dirty" jokes out of everyday things).  On top of her gorgeousness she had an elegance about her, noticeable in both her personality and poise.  Even as a friend, I felt somewhat out of place with her next to me.  What would she want with someone like me anyway?
I found out that her Mom and Dad hired a maid for all their household cleaning.  I thought to myself, "Well, that figures..."
It all just seemed to make sense.  Her husband and kids were all wonderful.  Her house and neighborhood all wonderful.  Her sense of style, very classy.  It seemed that the only thing that didn't fit was her interest in me. 

I lived in an apartment complex in a neighborhood known for theft and murder.  My husband, although a very respectable job that pays well enough that I don't have to work, is still a manager in retail.
I have yet to finish my degree.  Our cars are both over 10 yrs old.  I don't buy and wear designer clothes, and, of course, I mentioned my issue with weight at this time.
Did she just feel sorry for me?

Over many months we chatted online through email and instant messages.  I found that I could communicate better through any means that did not directly involve us speaking face to face.  When we met up with groups or friends, she would always ask if she could come sit with me.  I thought the asking part was weird, but the following me around became even more noticeable (to me) when I purposely found a room where no one else was to sit down and eat my plate of snacks.  She followed in behind me leaving the others in the crowd to come and find her.  So whether I understood her reasoning or not, it was becoming clearer that she wanted to be friends with me. 

I want to make it clear.  I didn't believe that she was ever better than me or "too good".  I did believe that it would make more sense with her personality and taste in people and in things she owned for her to see it that way though.

They say, "It takes one to know one" and I thought that was happening to me now.  I started seeing more and more questionable behavior from Veronica.  The more I saw the more I looked for it.  Even to the point of becoming obsessed with instant replay in my mind of events that occurred involving her and I. 
(I have no interest in replaying them anymore so I will not list the so called "questionable behavior" except for story purposes.)
When I was in my right mind, I knew what I was thinking and feeling was wrong.  All the questions that I had about her actions could be written off to her personality.  I just didn't want it to be that simple. 

Most of the ways she contributed to these ideas in my head were in the things she didn't do.  The things that she didn't say.  Actions that I thought would be common place between friends. 

With every meeting between us, I had a crash to follow.  Again face first to the floor my fingers digging into my hair just trying to wrap my brain around the truth.  I felt like it was unstoppable.  I just wanted to stop thinking about it.  I wanted to stop thinking about her.
It had a hold on me and liked to hold it over me when I was with her.  The torment of trying to keep my feelings at bay was so real that I could feel myself becoming physically ill while we were together. 

All of my emotions made it increasingly difficult to look her in the eyes.  I was afraid that she would see.  I was afraid she would know just what I was, and what I was going through. 
But I didn't want to give up on us.  To me that meant failure as a new reborn woman that Christ had made me.  I thought that if I could just make this work out for the good then I would be free of the power that my past had carried with it.  Giving up would mean the opposite.  I could not keep running away from attractive women like I was a man.  That would hang over my head as a constant reminder that I would forever be weird.  I would forever have to be distant from everyone just to hide myself from them.
I don't want to live like that.

I needed a plan.

In the past, I would be able to suppress feelings and thoughts toward another woman if we were close.  I would have respect for them in that way.  Veronica kept me close but then also at a noticeable distance.  When she would get up to go get more coffee she would ask me to come along.  When her husband was involved in a ministry position at church that kept him from sitting in Sunday service, she would ask me to join her.  When we car pool together,  there would always be an extra 20 or 30 minutes of conversation in the parking lot.  Sometimes more.   But she would never be too personal.  She shared about: her family a little; her in laws a little; her life before kids a little; and her life now...a little. 
Veronica would never call me unless she was calling me back about something.  About this I had said to her that if she didn't want me to call her, because I understand that some people are not "phone conversationalist", that I would stop using her number.  She made it a point to make it clear to me that she wanted me to keep calling her.

Veronica asks me this question a few times that really stuck out to me.  She wondered, "Do you think we would have been friends in High School?"  I didn't know what to say.  My feelings for her seemed so similar to what I'd felt for Rosa then.  And looking back I knew Rosa and I were never close friends.  I was never sure what we were.  My mind had become Swiss cheese with integrated memories from my fantasies and what was really happening around me.  I was afraid that the same was happening here with Veronica.   ....and there seemed to be nothing I could do to stop it. 

The fight was over.
I was starting to slip up:  plotting ways to be alone with her;  trying to get her undivided attention;  hoping that she felt the same pull for me.  It was increasingly becoming obsessive.  Deep down I was scared of me.


It was time to pull the plug.

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(Next post will be up early.  Look for the end to this Forbidden Love on Friday afternoon.)