Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Spell: Broken
When I was struggling with an addiction to porn, I reached out to a friend for help and accountability. I think many people think of "accountability" as a two-way street - meaning that both parties involved must have the same or similar obstacles to fight against. I don't think that it has to be that way at all. If you need help, call a friend- or even better, call someone you don't know very well who you respect and know that they are both organized in their personal life and in their home. In other words, find someone who is not living in chaos because they are more likely to keep in touch and to be a good role model for your present chaos that you're in. Consider that a side note about accountability partners.
Marissa was my help this time. I called her because I knew that we had talked before about my struggles and she seemed like a safe place to me. I told her (in detail) about the situation that I had got myself into. I told her that I never wanted to go back to that bar again. But that just like my pornography addiction, I knew that that conviction would soon be replaced by hormones and idiocy. Right now, I was feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. I don't think I asked for her advice of what to do, and I don't think she offered. Marissa did exactly what I called her to do. She mentally reminded me, through daily and weekly phone calls, why I should never go back to that bar. Marissa became the strong voice of my conscience.
And just like my pornography addiction, I'm happy to say that I don't need that extra reminder anymore.
The spell has been broken.
I know that the beast is still waiting to entrap me into a new snare, but for the very least I can say that it won't be hypocrisy anymore. It won't be in keeping secrets either. Drew knows, Marissa knows, of course God knows, and now ALL of you know, the truth about my life. I have nothing left to hide.
So what's next?
Marissa was my help this time. I called her because I knew that we had talked before about my struggles and she seemed like a safe place to me. I told her (in detail) about the situation that I had got myself into. I told her that I never wanted to go back to that bar again. But that just like my pornography addiction, I knew that that conviction would soon be replaced by hormones and idiocy. Right now, I was feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. I don't think I asked for her advice of what to do, and I don't think she offered. Marissa did exactly what I called her to do. She mentally reminded me, through daily and weekly phone calls, why I should never go back to that bar. Marissa became the strong voice of my conscience.
And just like my pornography addiction, I'm happy to say that I don't need that extra reminder anymore.
The spell has been broken.
I know that the beast is still waiting to entrap me into a new snare, but for the very least I can say that it won't be hypocrisy anymore. It won't be in keeping secrets either. Drew knows, Marissa knows, of course God knows, and now ALL of you know, the truth about my life. I have nothing left to hide.
So what's next?
Lustfully Loving vs. Lovingly Lustful
I managed to skip over the "love month" without a posting so allow me to backtrack just a little.
Love or lust?
How can we tell?
Which do we want the most?
As difficult as the first question is for many of us to decipher, the third one will continue to taunt us until we change our mind about the first. Confused?
Yep, so was I .
Unlike most women, I hate shopping. I despise the changing rooms, scanning the price tags, and remembering which groceries to get. On the other hand, online shopping is amazing! I can shop from any store compare items read reviews and find the right sizes without having to redress a dozen times in the store. I've learned, over years of bad experience, the best purchase is an educated one.
Determining which is better, love or lust (and which is which) is no different than shopping. It can either be a painful process of trial and error OR it can be a learning experience when we are able to gather the wisdom that others have accumulated from their good and bad choices, much like a " review".
Now, of course, we can gather "reviews" about this subject from just about anywhere. But if you say that you put your faith in God, then the best place would be the Bible. Either way, it's best to find a source that you can trust wholeheartedly, so you don't end up writing a negative review of your own.
Now is the time for me to come clean before all my readers about a few things. I know that with everything that I've written so far that statement might sound a little ridiculous, but some of the best liars will tell you, the best way to cover up for something you did is to confess to something else. This is not a cover up...
About a month ago I was reading from my new Bible app (just to try it out and play around with the different versions offered) when I decided to try out "The Message" version. I had heard other people quote from it and use it in their studies, but I had yet to crack it myself. I finally put it to what I considered "the real test", when I turned to read from Romans. The book Romans (specifically the first chapter) has held the key to my life and my choices ever since college. I found that The Message's interpretation of it was not that astounding, but that led me to read on instead of stop. And in Romans 2:1-13 it says this:
I know that I'm forgiven by both God and my husband. I know that I could just sweep by this little detail and not write about it on here. But then I would be the very kind of leader, mentor, hypocritical Christian that I despise. And knowing that it's now time that I just come out and say just what I'm thinking, I feel sick to my stomach - a feeling that I didn't get when I spoke with Drew or God about this.
Within the past year 2011, I started frequenting the bar scene, and not just any bar either, a "gay friendly" bar not too far from where I live.
Sometimes people say that they wanted to make their own mistakes, that they want to learn the hard way. What I hear though is, "Stop telling me what to do, because I want to do it - right or wrong, I don't care." I know that's really what they mean, because I hear that same thought pass through my head when I want to do something that I know is probably a mistake.
So why do we do that?
Why would I say that to myself?
I obviously know that what I'm doing is potentially the wrong or immoral choice to make, but that doesn't stop me from pursuing it. In fact, that knowledge makes me push even harder and faster to get my way. It becomes an accelerated decline down a very steep hill and I just throw my hands up and yell "Weee!". Am I really just that stupid? Do I not realize that at the end of this "ride" I'm on is an abrupt stop?
Here's my review of the "ride" down.
I had a plan. I had purpose. I felt that I had moved on and was ready to share my experiences with the world, so that they could learn from my failures and wisdom gained. But while still examining my scars and exchanging battle stories, I seemed to have lost the memory of the pain that came with them.
I hope that this story is over now that I can "put the past behind me" and move forward, but in all honesty - if my past has taught me anything, it's taught me that I can't trust myself.
I never hooked up with a woman or even met anyone there that really sparked my interest, but I was looking. I kept coming back to that same bar. Over and over again I'd see that there's nothing there for me. Sure, I would end up in a game of darts or a conversation with the bartender, but most nights, from the minute I stepped through the doorway, I knew I had made a mistake. It's was boring, and I wasted money just by coming in.
I was there looking for excitement, maybe looking for "an experience". I don't know, I was frightened about finally having one that maybe I was there to challenge my fears. It was all so pointless and stupid, but I just wouldn't stop coming back - like I had no place else to go.
Later, I would justify that I'm not really looking for a woman, I'm looking for a place to hang out, and this is one of the few bars I can go to where I will not get hit on by men. Then I met a man. He said his name was Harrison and that he works in construction, but apparently construction means weekend male stripper at a gay bar, because where I found him.
I knew that the bar did those kind of shows occasionally, but I never attended. The night that I met Harrison, I came in later after "the show" was over (clothing was on). When I walked in, I could tell he was part of the entertainment by the way all the guys were surrounding him. I proceeded to advert my eyes away from all of this because it bothered me (treating people like meat) and plus I wasn't there to find a man. The next part of the story gets a little fuzzy, possibly because of the alcohol involved, or maybe because my guilt has blocked it out. I think when most people come to this part, the common thing to say is, "And one thing led to another...yada, yada, yada...and we kissed.
He wanted me to wait for him to get done with his shift. I did, for awhile, but then I left. I left because I wasn't sure what I waiting for. I mean, I'm not stupid, I knew why he wanted me to wait - He wanted to take me home with him. I'd like to say that I chose to leave because it was the right thing to do, and I wanted to do the "right thing" for once that night. But I left for a different reason. I left because I didn't care. I didn't care about him, or about the kiss that we shared. It literally was just a physical reaction.
That night, I spent the whole puzzled by this. I enjoyed the kiss, it was nice and exciting, but to attach that feeling to a real human being seemed impossible this time. It was like I had been looking at pornography and imagined it all and now, I was feeling kind of stupid and pathetic for my actions and so just closed off the site then shut down the computer.
Somehow that's all that Harrison was to me, and it bothered me that I didn't feel more guilty for it.
I knew that it was time to reach out to another person for help.
------Half time-------
I think it's best that I keep writing but go ahead and post this first part, because the more I wait (and the more I write) the more reluctant I become to let it go.
My apologies for typos or poor grammar, I really didn't want to spend anymore time proof reading. This post has taking a lot of pride out of me.
Love or lust?
How can we tell?
Which do we want the most?
As difficult as the first question is for many of us to decipher, the third one will continue to taunt us until we change our mind about the first. Confused?
Yep, so was I .
Unlike most women, I hate shopping. I despise the changing rooms, scanning the price tags, and remembering which groceries to get. On the other hand, online shopping is amazing! I can shop from any store compare items read reviews and find the right sizes without having to redress a dozen times in the store. I've learned, over years of bad experience, the best purchase is an educated one.
Determining which is better, love or lust (and which is which) is no different than shopping. It can either be a painful process of trial and error OR it can be a learning experience when we are able to gather the wisdom that others have accumulated from their good and bad choices, much like a " review".
Now, of course, we can gather "reviews" about this subject from just about anywhere. But if you say that you put your faith in God, then the best place would be the Bible. Either way, it's best to find a source that you can trust wholeheartedly, so you don't end up writing a negative review of your own.
Now is the time for me to come clean before all my readers about a few things. I know that with everything that I've written so far that statement might sound a little ridiculous, but some of the best liars will tell you, the best way to cover up for something you did is to confess to something else. This is not a cover up...
About a month ago I was reading from my new Bible app (just to try it out and play around with the different versions offered) when I decided to try out "The Message" version. I had heard other people quote from it and use it in their studies, but I had yet to crack it myself. I finally put it to what I considered "the real test", when I turned to read from Romans. The book Romans (specifically the first chapter) has held the key to my life and my choices ever since college. I found that The Message's interpretation of it was not that astounding, but that led me to read on instead of stop. And in Romans 2:1-13 it says this:
1 Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors.2 But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.3 You didn't think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard?4 Or did you think that because he's such a nice God, he'd let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.5 You're not getting by with anything. Every refusal and avoidance of God adds fuel to the fire. The day is coming when it's going to blaze hot and high, God's fiery and righteous judgment.6 Make no mistake: In the end you get what's coming to you -7 Real Life for those who work on God's side,8 but to those who insist on getting their own way and take the path of least resistance, Fire!9 If you go against the grain, you get splinters, regardless of which neighborhood you're from, what your parents taught you, what schools you attended.10 But if you embrace the way God does things, there are wonderful payoffs, again without regard to where you are from or how you were brought up.11 Being a Jew won't give you an automatic stamp of approval. God pays no attention to what others say (or what you think) about you. He makes up his own mind.12 If you sin without knowing what you're doing, God takes that into account. But if you sin knowing full well what you're doing, that's a different story entirely.13 Merely hearing God's law is a waste of your time if you don't do what he commands. Doing, not hearing, is what makes the difference with God.
I know that I'm forgiven by both God and my husband. I know that I could just sweep by this little detail and not write about it on here. But then I would be the very kind of leader, mentor, hypocritical Christian that I despise. And knowing that it's now time that I just come out and say just what I'm thinking, I feel sick to my stomach - a feeling that I didn't get when I spoke with Drew or God about this.
Within the past year 2011, I started frequenting the bar scene, and not just any bar either, a "gay friendly" bar not too far from where I live.
Sometimes people say that they wanted to make their own mistakes, that they want to learn the hard way. What I hear though is, "Stop telling me what to do, because I want to do it - right or wrong, I don't care." I know that's really what they mean, because I hear that same thought pass through my head when I want to do something that I know is probably a mistake.
So why do we do that?
Why would I say that to myself?
I obviously know that what I'm doing is potentially the wrong or immoral choice to make, but that doesn't stop me from pursuing it. In fact, that knowledge makes me push even harder and faster to get my way. It becomes an accelerated decline down a very steep hill and I just throw my hands up and yell "Weee!". Am I really just that stupid? Do I not realize that at the end of this "ride" I'm on is an abrupt stop?
Here's my review of the "ride" down.
I had a plan. I had purpose. I felt that I had moved on and was ready to share my experiences with the world, so that they could learn from my failures and wisdom gained. But while still examining my scars and exchanging battle stories, I seemed to have lost the memory of the pain that came with them.
I hope that this story is over now that I can "put the past behind me" and move forward, but in all honesty - if my past has taught me anything, it's taught me that I can't trust myself.
I never hooked up with a woman or even met anyone there that really sparked my interest, but I was looking. I kept coming back to that same bar. Over and over again I'd see that there's nothing there for me. Sure, I would end up in a game of darts or a conversation with the bartender, but most nights, from the minute I stepped through the doorway, I knew I had made a mistake. It's was boring, and I wasted money just by coming in.
I was there looking for excitement, maybe looking for "an experience". I don't know, I was frightened about finally having one that maybe I was there to challenge my fears. It was all so pointless and stupid, but I just wouldn't stop coming back - like I had no place else to go.
Later, I would justify that I'm not really looking for a woman, I'm looking for a place to hang out, and this is one of the few bars I can go to where I will not get hit on by men. Then I met a man. He said his name was Harrison and that he works in construction, but apparently construction means weekend male stripper at a gay bar, because where I found him.
I knew that the bar did those kind of shows occasionally, but I never attended. The night that I met Harrison, I came in later after "the show" was over (clothing was on). When I walked in, I could tell he was part of the entertainment by the way all the guys were surrounding him. I proceeded to advert my eyes away from all of this because it bothered me (treating people like meat) and plus I wasn't there to find a man. The next part of the story gets a little fuzzy, possibly because of the alcohol involved, or maybe because my guilt has blocked it out. I think when most people come to this part, the common thing to say is, "And one thing led to another...yada, yada, yada...and we kissed.
He wanted me to wait for him to get done with his shift. I did, for awhile, but then I left. I left because I wasn't sure what I waiting for. I mean, I'm not stupid, I knew why he wanted me to wait - He wanted to take me home with him. I'd like to say that I chose to leave because it was the right thing to do, and I wanted to do the "right thing" for once that night. But I left for a different reason. I left because I didn't care. I didn't care about him, or about the kiss that we shared. It literally was just a physical reaction.
That night, I spent the whole puzzled by this. I enjoyed the kiss, it was nice and exciting, but to attach that feeling to a real human being seemed impossible this time. It was like I had been looking at pornography and imagined it all and now, I was feeling kind of stupid and pathetic for my actions and so just closed off the site then shut down the computer.
Somehow that's all that Harrison was to me, and it bothered me that I didn't feel more guilty for it.
I knew that it was time to reach out to another person for help.
------Half time-------
I think it's best that I keep writing but go ahead and post this first part, because the more I wait (and the more I write) the more reluctant I become to let it go.
My apologies for typos or poor grammar, I really didn't want to spend anymore time proof reading. This post has taking a lot of pride out of me.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
When the new wears off
Memory can be a funny thing...
I can remember my first bicycle. I was probably less than five, but what I remember most is that the first time I tried to tame it, it technically wasn't mine. In fact, it belonged to someone else entirely and we were just visiting their house. But it looked like a dirt bike (with training wheels) and I just couldn't resist maneuvering my body in an attempt to straddle it. Sometime later the family that owned my dream bike, decided to give it to us. I loved that bright orange bike for a whole .... month! (maybe two) before I was bored and ready to move on.
This happens all the time, and not just to kids either. Every time I've salivated at the possibility of owning a new car or moving to a new house, or getting some new furniture, I end up like this.
At the time, in the moment, it was ALL that I needed to be complete, but before I can even find a new thing to desire, it's already become mundane .
What is it about us? (because I highly doubt that I'm the only one)
What tempts us towards boredom and dullness after we have attained the very thing that we always wanted?
Is it just a problem with Americans?
Or is all humanity just gluttonous from the start?
Is to be human to be discontented?
When the new wears off, we discard and move on.
I've stopped going to self-help meetings and support groups for now. I guess you could say that the new has worn off for me. I just don't feel the urgency or the desire to explore my inner workings anymore, at least in that area. I've accepted the fact that I am no different than the rest of the gay community in my attraction towards other women, but that I have made a choice. A choice, not to try and flush those desires out of me entirely, but a choice to follow God on faith and His teachings.
The Bible does not say that I should not feel anything when I see a beautiful woman. The "don'ts" about this subject are fairly clear. Don't "lie" with her. Of course, the word "lie" implies sex, but "sex" itself is open to personal interpretation now days. I would side with prudence on this one though, just to be cautious. This is not just the afterlife I'm talking about, when it comes to sin it's much more immediate than that. Sin separates us from God. Just like an affair, it destroys our relationship with Him. I believe caution would be well advised.
My gay friend Patty seems to believe that caution is for traditionalists, those who seek to oppress others based on what they've been taught by others.
If I were to sum up the core beliefs of our gay Christian friends, I would say that...
Ok, here it is.
This happens all the time, and not just to kids either. Every time I've salivated at the possibility of owning a new car or moving to a new house, or getting some new furniture, I end up like this.
At the time, in the moment, it was ALL that I needed to be complete, but before I can even find a new thing to desire, it's already become mundane .
What is it about us? (because I highly doubt that I'm the only one)
What tempts us towards boredom and dullness after we have attained the very thing that we always wanted?
Is it just a problem with Americans?
Or is all humanity just gluttonous from the start?
Is to be human to be discontented?
When the new wears off, we discard and move on.
I've stopped going to self-help meetings and support groups for now. I guess you could say that the new has worn off for me. I just don't feel the urgency or the desire to explore my inner workings anymore, at least in that area. I've accepted the fact that I am no different than the rest of the gay community in my attraction towards other women, but that I have made a choice. A choice, not to try and flush those desires out of me entirely, but a choice to follow God on faith and His teachings.
The Bible does not say that I should not feel anything when I see a beautiful woman. The "don'ts" about this subject are fairly clear. Don't "lie" with her. Of course, the word "lie" implies sex, but "sex" itself is open to personal interpretation now days. I would side with prudence on this one though, just to be cautious. This is not just the afterlife I'm talking about, when it comes to sin it's much more immediate than that. Sin separates us from God. Just like an affair, it destroys our relationship with Him. I believe caution would be well advised.
My gay friend Patty seems to believe that caution is for traditionalists, those who seek to oppress others based on what they've been taught by others.
If I were to sum up the core beliefs of our gay Christian friends, I would say that...
- They want to be saved (just like other Christians).
- They like the example of Jesus, what He stands for, and refer to Him and the gospels more than any other part of the Bible.
- They believe that God is not defined by gender and neither are we.
- They believe that the homosexual acts as spoken of in the Old Testament, were more about the rape and violence, and that love for one another was not involved at all. So these verses do not apply to their circumstances.
- They don't just question the apostle Paul's written word, but many have offered up doubt about his integrity.
- They redefine "inspiration of scripture" as meaning simply that the person writing had a heart that wanted to serve the Lord. So in reality their word is no different than our own opinion.
- Love and acceptance of others, just the way they are, is the most important thing to them.
- They think other Christians who believe the "old way" only believe that because they were taught this way stemming from tradition, ignorance, or hate. Proper re-education is what they see as turning this into a non-issue inside the church.
- Scientific explanations through observation of nature (animals, plants, human behavior) have just as much or more collateral than the Bible itself. Because divine inspiration is not what it was thought to be, science can help us come to a better interpretation of scripture.
- They believe that God would not create someone who is innately sinful. So a gay person who is condemned from the start would be a cruel joke, and God is not that cruel.
- Being gay is not just an action to them. It is their defining factor, and to take it away or to say, "It is sinful.", is like calling them "sin", itself.
- The fight for the expression of their love, is a very real battle that they face everyday. They take it as a personal attack and their ears only hear hate when spoken to about a conflicting word from scripture.
- They see Christians who disapprove of their beliefs as hypocritical and unloving, therefore they must not be very good followers of Jesus.
I know that there is SO much more to be said about this. In fact, I probably did not adequately represent every belief that is out there right now (there are so many), however, I do know that the most ironic detail is that when looking for answers to any questions that may arise within them, They are only open to listen to others like themselves. The rest of us are just ignorant or intolerant.
They are the enlightened.
Ok, here it is.
I'm not against someone who calls themselves "gay" becoming a Christian or falling in love with Jesus. I think it's encouraging to see this gigantic gap being filled in by the church. I just become concerned by the obvious red flags that emerge while interpreting the Bible with agenda to prove then settling with, "God's-inspired" is not all that it's cracked up to be.
When I first started writing this blog, I had a much different point of view about all this. I was enraged by my friend's pursuit to "enlighten" so many others of her newly discovered truth. I felt like it was my duty, my calling, to put a stop to her re-education and evangelism. And sadly, many of my conversations with Patty and her friends over the Internet became all about me trying to show her the facts. As time went by, I realized this anger and frustration with all arguing about who is right and who is wrong, is not what God has called any one of us to do.
This might sound like I'm giving up, or becoming more liberal and less conservative in my thinking.
I think, I'm getting wiser.
I think that the heat of the fight or the anticipation of playing a key role for a seemingly HUGE cause has started to cool down a bit. The result, I can now step back and see things more clearly.
I see the church fighting against homosexual this and gay rights that. I hear about it all the time on the Christian radio stations. It's no big mystery that it's a hot issue in our world right now. And I'm not going to preach, "Love the sinner, but hate the sin." either. But something I came to see finally, is the world is not going to end with homosexuality.
We don't need to act as if they are "the plague" invading our towns, our schools, our families. We are all sinners. Being angry at someone never made them want to listen. Quoting scripture at them to prove them wrong, will not tear down the walls they've built inside
I understand the panic, feeling like they are trying to change our nation, or take our freedom away. But shoving back will only be their ammunition. I believe that God has shown us there is a better way.
The new has worn off for me, but I've not forgotten what has brought me this far as a Christian:
my humility, and His love.
This might sound like I'm giving up, or becoming more liberal and less conservative in my thinking.
I think, I'm getting wiser.
I think that the heat of the fight or the anticipation of playing a key role for a seemingly HUGE cause has started to cool down a bit. The result, I can now step back and see things more clearly.
I see the church fighting against homosexual this and gay rights that. I hear about it all the time on the Christian radio stations. It's no big mystery that it's a hot issue in our world right now. And I'm not going to preach, "Love the sinner, but hate the sin." either. But something I came to see finally, is the world is not going to end with homosexuality.
We don't need to act as if they are "the plague" invading our towns, our schools, our families. We are all sinners. Being angry at someone never made them want to listen. Quoting scripture at them to prove them wrong, will not tear down the walls they've built inside
I understand the panic, feeling like they are trying to change our nation, or take our freedom away. But shoving back will only be their ammunition. I believe that God has shown us there is a better way.
The new has worn off for me, but I've not forgotten what has brought me this far as a Christian:
my humility, and His love.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I'm not taking hostages
I'm bad at this.
Confrontation is not my forte', but it's necessary to tell the truth.
I had been "getting help" from a professional recently, and a few months ago during our last session I seized up. The air had left the room and my heart was burning a hole inside my chest. I had to get out of there quick! -that's all I knew. And it's been maybe two months since that happened..... I opened up to this Christian woman about things that I would not even wish to speak to another living human let alone someone who is so close to my church community. Through all that openness and ugly honesty, I got scripture thrown back at me. I got the words, "You CAN control how you feel." As if, I didn't feel miserably lost in my own sin, she had to plant that statement in front of my face.
But still I'm the coward here. Because all this time I let those words fester, and I wouldn't confess to her why I haven't stepped foot in her office to see her again..... until tonight.
Because I wanted to finish this post.
It's time to stop stop stalling. It's time to stop withholding the truth behind all this. I'm not going to be afraid of stepping on your foot. I'm not going to stand behind someone else's belief so that I don't get hit with the hate.
The friend (Motivation Unleashed) I mentioned before. She has a blog and a "group page" advocating her beliefs in which she has established a following of individuals just like her. They say that the group is about opening up discussion and finding a common ground between the Church and homosexuals. However, I am convinced from listening and participating in past discussions that "openness" and "sharing common ground" is code for "If you don't see things our way we will attempt to hypnotize you with our professor like lingo OR we will gang up on you (using the word 'hateful' a lot) until you shut up".
As you can probably tell my old college friend and I are no longer really speaking to each other. She says, she is tired of "sparing" with me. But I don't try to fight with her. I try to reason with her asking, "What do I have to gain by proving you wrong?"
You might be asking - "proving what wrong?"
As mentioned before, Patty is a Christian as claim her many friends that same title. (I'm not trying to dispute that.) I have an atheist friend who wrote about this contradiction from his point of view. He says:
Confrontation is not my forte', but it's necessary to tell the truth.
I had been "getting help" from a professional recently, and a few months ago during our last session I seized up. The air had left the room and my heart was burning a hole inside my chest. I had to get out of there quick! -that's all I knew. And it's been maybe two months since that happened..... I opened up to this Christian woman about things that I would not even wish to speak to another living human let alone someone who is so close to my church community. Through all that openness and ugly honesty, I got scripture thrown back at me. I got the words, "You CAN control how you feel." As if, I didn't feel miserably lost in my own sin, she had to plant that statement in front of my face.
But still I'm the coward here. Because all this time I let those words fester, and I wouldn't confess to her why I haven't stepped foot in her office to see her again..... until tonight.
Because I wanted to finish this post.
It's time to stop stop stalling. It's time to stop withholding the truth behind all this. I'm not going to be afraid of stepping on your foot. I'm not going to stand behind someone else's belief so that I don't get hit with the hate.
The friend (Motivation Unleashed) I mentioned before. She has a blog and a "group page" advocating her beliefs in which she has established a following of individuals just like her. They say that the group is about opening up discussion and finding a common ground between the Church and homosexuals. However, I am convinced from listening and participating in past discussions that "openness" and "sharing common ground" is code for "If you don't see things our way we will attempt to hypnotize you with our professor like lingo OR we will gang up on you (using the word 'hateful' a lot) until you shut up".
As you can probably tell my old college friend and I are no longer really speaking to each other. She says, she is tired of "sparing" with me. But I don't try to fight with her. I try to reason with her asking, "What do I have to gain by proving you wrong?"
You might be asking - "proving what wrong?"
As mentioned before, Patty is a Christian as claim her many friends that same title. (I'm not trying to dispute that.) I have an atheist friend who wrote about this contradiction from his point of view. He says:
because i never get tired of thinking about people’s faith…
so i was pondering over the long Easter weekend as i saw posts from the faithful about the resurrection of Jesus. i contemplated discussions i have had relatively recently about Christianity and the Bible. i struggle to understand the mind of a believer when so many seem to pick and choose what parts of the Bible are truly the mandate of God and which ones are merely suggestions.
one of my primary sticking points with Christians is the belief that homosexuality is a sin. the argument of some is that the Bible says it is so and therefore it is so. i do not argue this point because the verses are easy enough to find and are pretty clear in what they say. what i find unusual is people who believe in the same God and refer to the same Bible, but don’t believe that homosexuals are an “abomination unto the Lord”. don’t get me wrong, i don’t believe homosexuality is wrong and i don’t believe homosexuals are an abomination. my problem is in the interpretation of the “law of God”.
The dispute is about what does the Bible say about same-gender sexual relations.
Is it silent,
does it promote it,
or condemn it?
For those that don't know:
Yes, there is a whole community (a movement) of believers who are also self-titled LGBT. I say that not to make you gasp in horror or shake your head in disbelief, but to make you aware of the theology that is circling.
Number 1:
Don't misunderstand me, I don't think homosexuality is the end all or number one sin. The ranking isn't important and doesn't really exist anyway. That's more of a comfort issue. However, I have a problem with Christians encouraging others to be entrapped in sin.
I love my friend, more that I think she'll ever understand, but I had to let her go. That's what she wanted me to do. To allow her to live her own life without me hovering around with my so-called wisdom.
Her and her groupies think that I'm some kind of "know-it-all" -and I just want to laugh. If only they knew...it all. (about my life)
Sounds like the ongoing debate that teenagers have with their parents. That's nothing new.
I'm not saying that I am as wise as a parent to them, or that I know all there is to know about the Bible or God.
I can't even manage my own marriage and family that well. I still struggle with same-sex relationships, and with the ghosts of my past, yet, they call me "the exception".
Why? -Because I no longer believe that I'm a man, and out of faith in God's word over my own logic, I fought away temptation and sought after obedience. God was my savior, my redeemer,....I still need him. If that makes me an exception than all I got to say is, "baby, What do you think a Christian is?"
I hear this all the time from other Christians and preached from the pulpit:
Grace is a free gift, for those who will take Christ as their savior.
The trick is, what they don't tell us....
We have to fight to believe.
_______More details coming about the "other side" and what they believe. ________
We are not enemies, but they have told me that we can not be friends.
Is it silent,
does it promote it,
or condemn it?
For those that don't know:
Yes, there is a whole community (a movement) of believers who are also self-titled LGBT. I say that not to make you gasp in horror or shake your head in disbelief, but to make you aware of the theology that is circling.
Number 1:
Don't misunderstand me, I don't think homosexuality is the end all or number one sin. The ranking isn't important and doesn't really exist anyway. That's more of a comfort issue. However, I have a problem with Christians encouraging others to be entrapped in sin.
I love my friend, more that I think she'll ever understand, but I had to let her go. That's what she wanted me to do. To allow her to live her own life without me hovering around with my so-called wisdom.
Her and her groupies think that I'm some kind of "know-it-all" -and I just want to laugh. If only they knew...it all. (about my life)
Sounds like the ongoing debate that teenagers have with their parents. That's nothing new.
I'm not saying that I am as wise as a parent to them, or that I know all there is to know about the Bible or God.
I can't even manage my own marriage and family that well. I still struggle with same-sex relationships, and with the ghosts of my past, yet, they call me "the exception".
Why? -Because I no longer believe that I'm a man, and out of faith in God's word over my own logic, I fought away temptation and sought after obedience. God was my savior, my redeemer,....I still need him. If that makes me an exception than all I got to say is, "baby, What do you think a Christian is?"
I hear this all the time from other Christians and preached from the pulpit:
Grace is a free gift, for those who will take Christ as their savior.
The trick is, what they don't tell us....
We have to fight to believe.
_______More details coming about the "other side" and what they believe. ________
We are not enemies, but they have told me that we can not be friends.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Motivation Unleashed
My brothers (sisters) if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins. -James 5:19-20
Who can solve the "gay" question?
How does it happen? When does it happen? And of course, why would God seemingly wire a person to be gay and then call it sinful?
The answers simple, no one really knows. All we know about this subject comes from either our own life experience or hearing about it from others. And although I am firm believer in absolute truth, I would call this subject of attraction and sexual identity, relative.
So I guess the next question is "Why the fighting?" or "Why the controversy?" If no one can prove anything for sure...Where does the hatred, harsh words, and condemnation stem from?
The obvious answer among the mainstream is Christianity, but I would say it's ignorance. True, the Christian church does it's fair share of pushing Christian ideals into politics and we (Christians) take a warrior-like attitude when it comes to our schools and our family's values being threatened. And just like LGBT community, when we get pushed, we push back. However, there are many Christians out there that are not pushing at all. Still in this post millennium we have churches that refuse to acknowledge that these questions even circle around their communities. Those are the churches that I'm most afraid of.
My friend, Patty, from college had the same thought, when she started her own facebook group and blog. Patty thought education and open dialogue was the key to getting rid of the "haters". I knew she was right about that, but she had her agenda and I had mine and we couldn't see eye-to-eye on much.
Patty is a Christian. Patty and her girlfriend have been together for about 4 years.
(Still writing....it's a slow process for me. My apologies. It's getting good, I can tell. So keep checking back for updated versions.)
Who can solve the "gay" question?
How does it happen? When does it happen? And of course, why would God seemingly wire a person to be gay and then call it sinful?
The answers simple, no one really knows. All we know about this subject comes from either our own life experience or hearing about it from others. And although I am firm believer in absolute truth, I would call this subject of attraction and sexual identity, relative.
So I guess the next question is "Why the fighting?" or "Why the controversy?" If no one can prove anything for sure...Where does the hatred, harsh words, and condemnation stem from?
The obvious answer among the mainstream is Christianity, but I would say it's ignorance. True, the Christian church does it's fair share of pushing Christian ideals into politics and we (Christians) take a warrior-like attitude when it comes to our schools and our family's values being threatened. And just like LGBT community, when we get pushed, we push back. However, there are many Christians out there that are not pushing at all. Still in this post millennium we have churches that refuse to acknowledge that these questions even circle around their communities. Those are the churches that I'm most afraid of.
My friend, Patty, from college had the same thought, when she started her own facebook group and blog. Patty thought education and open dialogue was the key to getting rid of the "haters". I knew she was right about that, but she had her agenda and I had mine and we couldn't see eye-to-eye on much.
Patty is a Christian. Patty and her girlfriend have been together for about 4 years.
(Still writing....it's a slow process for me. My apologies. It's getting good, I can tell. So keep checking back for updated versions.)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
debating
My best friend is Jesus.
There I said it. (Well, at least it should be. Jesus and I have a lot of catching up to do) The BFF spot cannot be shared with my husband because my relationship with Jesus must always stand alone; no one not even Drew can share that position with Him. I found this out the hard way.
Many years have gone by with this pyramid scheme inside my head. I wish I knew how to draw it out for you all on here. Basically, it's a triangle that shows God at the top and Drew and I at the lower points. The idea sounds pretty insightful: as we grow closer to God we grow closer to each other. The problem with the diagram is it's dependant on each individuals pursuit after a close relationship to God. What if my spouse or I make unconscious/conscience decisions not to follow after that goal? What then? Am I still to pursuit God even if that pulls me further away from my spouse, my best friend?! The answer is yes, but the metaphor of the pyramid is lousy.
Unfortunately, it took many years away from a close relationship with the Lord to finally realize this. I thought that I had to choose : God or Drew, and how could that be if he is my God-given husband? I chose to be a faithful wife and somehow that contradicted with a close relationship with Jesus.
Drew believes all the same things that I do about the Bible. He wants to impart those same beliefs onto our children. We pray before our dinner meal and if he is able (as in not working), he wants to attend church. However, early on (within the first month of our marriage) he confided that he never really had experienced the kind of excitement and personal love for God like I had. (Of course, while writing this, I hope that I'm not misrepresenting him.) That conversation would fester and brood inside my heart and my head for many years to come. And the subject of our prayer life or things related would remain virtually taboo. Gradually this conflicting battle of who I would choose to be closer to on my personal pyramid (God or my spouse) would be reluctantly be resolved.
I chose Drew, and that led both of us down a path of disappointment and emptiness. I could not be the wife or woman I needed to be without Jesus as my center.
_________
Note to readers: My apologies for this post to be cut short like this, but it had been sitting in my "draft" box for a while now because it was very difficult to share intimate details about Drew and I. I'm not at all embarrassed of my husband, and I don't want to give of that impression, however I know that I don't understand everything about him or his relationship with God and it's impartant to me not to say things that are misleading or untruthful. So I'm going to post this and if you have further questions about how I got from point A to point C, I encourage you to ask me specifically to explain. Thanks.
Moving on.... I will be making another post today. The subject is: My Motivation Exposed -the whole truth of why I created this blog and why I've been hiding it.
There I said it. (Well, at least it should be. Jesus and I have a lot of catching up to do) The BFF spot cannot be shared with my husband because my relationship with Jesus must always stand alone; no one not even Drew can share that position with Him. I found this out the hard way.
Many years have gone by with this pyramid scheme inside my head. I wish I knew how to draw it out for you all on here. Basically, it's a triangle that shows God at the top and Drew and I at the lower points. The idea sounds pretty insightful: as we grow closer to God we grow closer to each other. The problem with the diagram is it's dependant on each individuals pursuit after a close relationship to God. What if my spouse or I make unconscious/conscience decisions not to follow after that goal? What then? Am I still to pursuit God even if that pulls me further away from my spouse, my best friend?! The answer is yes, but the metaphor of the pyramid is lousy.
Unfortunately, it took many years away from a close relationship with the Lord to finally realize this. I thought that I had to choose : God or Drew, and how could that be if he is my God-given husband? I chose to be a faithful wife and somehow that contradicted with a close relationship with Jesus.
Drew believes all the same things that I do about the Bible. He wants to impart those same beliefs onto our children. We pray before our dinner meal and if he is able (as in not working), he wants to attend church. However, early on (within the first month of our marriage) he confided that he never really had experienced the kind of excitement and personal love for God like I had. (Of course, while writing this, I hope that I'm not misrepresenting him.) That conversation would fester and brood inside my heart and my head for many years to come. And the subject of our prayer life or things related would remain virtually taboo. Gradually this conflicting battle of who I would choose to be closer to on my personal pyramid (God or my spouse) would be reluctantly be resolved.
I chose Drew, and that led both of us down a path of disappointment and emptiness. I could not be the wife or woman I needed to be without Jesus as my center.
_________
Note to readers: My apologies for this post to be cut short like this, but it had been sitting in my "draft" box for a while now because it was very difficult to share intimate details about Drew and I. I'm not at all embarrassed of my husband, and I don't want to give of that impression, however I know that I don't understand everything about him or his relationship with God and it's impartant to me not to say things that are misleading or untruthful. So I'm going to post this and if you have further questions about how I got from point A to point C, I encourage you to ask me specifically to explain. Thanks.
Moving on.... I will be making another post today. The subject is: My Motivation Exposed -the whole truth of why I created this blog and why I've been hiding it.
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