Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
My Better Half (part 2)
I'm not as bad as I think.
Just ask my husband. He tells me all the time how attractive I am to him, but at least once a day I look in the mirror and see something ugly. I see someone who needs work (lots of work). Someone who is a million miles from perfection - something that, on my superficial surface I consider reachable and even covet in other people that I meet. Can you see it? Even now, I have trouble talking about the good in me without considering the negative.
This constant self ridicule even bleeds into my relationship with God. I have no problem with the verse found in Philippians 2, where it tells me to "consider others better than yourself." But as they say, the person with the lowest self esteem is likely the most selfish - so I am likely missing the meaning of the word "humility" there.
I had a friend named Dee Dee in college. She had a very unusual personality -At least, so I thought when I first met her. Dee Dee came prancing (literally) through the dorm hallways passing out wildflowers that she had just picked to anyone and everyone she could see. I thought some of the things she did and how cheerful she was a bit over the top. But that was just the melancholy me, the better part of me thought she was fantastic (like sunshine on a cloudy day)! No one in the room could escape her contagious laughter, and the way she always could find something to smile about was truly an amazing feat to me. Dee Dee was a God send to our dorm, there was no doubt about it. She made us look at life, look at the world, and see something innocent and beautiful again. And I was thankful that we were friends.
Somewhere down the line of people she met that year on campus, that cheerfulness, that beautiful light, would soon be snuffed out. A guy friend that had meant more than "friend" to her had made her feel like less than perfect. He had told her that she laughed too loud or too often or perhaps had just pointed out just how different she was to the rest of civilized society and it was about time for her to "grow up". I saw a change in her, and I felt in me as well. Someone had crushed my friend's spirit and in the process had robbed us all of her contagious joy. Dee Dee seemed to feel even worse at night. She started talking very negatively about herself. This new Dee Dee was shocking to me. I'd never seen her so depressed. I didn't think it was possible. Dee Dee had those down times like me? When she would talk with me, she would make herself sound like the absolute worst of the worst, saying things like, "How could God love someone like me?" Dee Dee so perfect, so special, so innocent, and devoted to God and school; she is asking this too?? How can that be?
Do we all just assume that human opinion and God's are interchangeable? Or are the people around us just more real to us than Him and thus more valuable?
As a new and improved blogging me, I hope to be less of a Debbie Downer and more upbeat and real. I want my readers to know through my writing that indeed hope is not lost. We all go through trials and not one of us is the image of perfection. I, just like Dee Dee, have more than just one side that everyone sees, and that means I'm complex, not devious and hidden. I am more than my struggles. I am more than my jokes (thank God). I am not the worst of the worst, but I am a sinner. And I am encouraged by that because my God has a habit of using people just, like, me. Where I am weak He is strong.
(Philippians 4:13)
(I encourage you to watch the movie "Machine Gun Preacher" or if you do not want all the four letter words and violence, you can google it and read about the real man behind the movie. I know the guy's not perfect, and you might not agree with every judgement call he makes, but to me it's just another amazing story of how God takes the "riff raff" of this world and puts them to work for His kingdom. I don't know about you, but I find that to be very encouraging.)
Just ask my husband. He tells me all the time how attractive I am to him, but at least once a day I look in the mirror and see something ugly. I see someone who needs work (lots of work). Someone who is a million miles from perfection - something that, on my superficial surface I consider reachable and even covet in other people that I meet. Can you see it? Even now, I have trouble talking about the good in me without considering the negative.
This constant self ridicule even bleeds into my relationship with God. I have no problem with the verse found in Philippians 2, where it tells me to "consider others better than yourself." But as they say, the person with the lowest self esteem is likely the most selfish - so I am likely missing the meaning of the word "humility" there.
I had a friend named Dee Dee in college. She had a very unusual personality -At least, so I thought when I first met her. Dee Dee came prancing (literally) through the dorm hallways passing out wildflowers that she had just picked to anyone and everyone she could see. I thought some of the things she did and how cheerful she was a bit over the top. But that was just the melancholy me, the better part of me thought she was fantastic (like sunshine on a cloudy day)! No one in the room could escape her contagious laughter, and the way she always could find something to smile about was truly an amazing feat to me. Dee Dee was a God send to our dorm, there was no doubt about it. She made us look at life, look at the world, and see something innocent and beautiful again. And I was thankful that we were friends.
Somewhere down the line of people she met that year on campus, that cheerfulness, that beautiful light, would soon be snuffed out. A guy friend that had meant more than "friend" to her had made her feel like less than perfect. He had told her that she laughed too loud or too often or perhaps had just pointed out just how different she was to the rest of civilized society and it was about time for her to "grow up". I saw a change in her, and I felt in me as well. Someone had crushed my friend's spirit and in the process had robbed us all of her contagious joy. Dee Dee seemed to feel even worse at night. She started talking very negatively about herself. This new Dee Dee was shocking to me. I'd never seen her so depressed. I didn't think it was possible. Dee Dee had those down times like me? When she would talk with me, she would make herself sound like the absolute worst of the worst, saying things like, "How could God love someone like me?" Dee Dee so perfect, so special, so innocent, and devoted to God and school; she is asking this too?? How can that be?
Do we all just assume that human opinion and God's are interchangeable? Or are the people around us just more real to us than Him and thus more valuable?
As a new and improved blogging me, I hope to be less of a Debbie Downer and more upbeat and real. I want my readers to know through my writing that indeed hope is not lost. We all go through trials and not one of us is the image of perfection. I, just like Dee Dee, have more than just one side that everyone sees, and that means I'm complex, not devious and hidden. I am more than my struggles. I am more than my jokes (thank God). I am not the worst of the worst, but I am a sinner. And I am encouraged by that because my God has a habit of using people just, like, me. Where I am weak He is strong.
(Philippians 4:13)
(I encourage you to watch the movie "Machine Gun Preacher" or if you do not want all the four letter words and violence, you can google it and read about the real man behind the movie. I know the guy's not perfect, and you might not agree with every judgement call he makes, but to me it's just another amazing story of how God takes the "riff raff" of this world and puts them to work for His kingdom. I don't know about you, but I find that to be very encouraging.)
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
My Better Half
Shock and Awe
-If you want people to pay attention, you have to be willing to pay the price. Just look at Lady Gaga or Katy Perry. Something tells me they don't dress the same when they're lounging in their living room. Many people are certainly not what they seem, and as paranoid as that sounds it's true. We are more than meets the eye. Don't judge a book by its cover...and all those other tired cliches.
As you may have noticed, I have not written anything on here in months. Not since the "rumor" (which was never really much of a bushfire to put out), nevertheless it made me go "huh?". Am I really as bad as I make myself sound?
Ok, I get it, sin is sin. Are my thoughts running away from me to another life with someone other than my husband sinful? - Yes. Was my moment of ecstasy (I say that sarcastically) in the arms of a male entertainer a big "Whoops!" -Definitely. And it was always my worst fear that Christian parents would shield their children from me if they ever new my inner "gay" struggles, but I never fathomed that it would be because of a sexual issue (i.e. pedophile). Wow! You can believe that took me back a few steps. I needed to seriously reevaluate how I presented myself.
In my effort to relate to my fellow Christian college alumni who have chosen the "alternative lifestyle", I wanted to show all my darkness. I wanted it to be widely known just to what extremes that I was willing to go to save my friends from possibly the biggest mistake of their life. (Feel free to quote me on that.) It was my hope that they would read these posts and see how close my life seems to theirs. We could journey to find the answers together...Answer the unrelenting question, "Why are some people gay?" or more personally, "Why do I feel this way?"
My favorite Christian author, Philip Yancey, uses this method when he writes. He asks the hard questions that many of us self conscious people would never say aloud. Questions like: Why would a loving God allow my child to die? Or -Where is God when life sucks (my paraphrase)?
It is possible that he already has the answers to these tough questions before he sits down to write, but I like to think that he started out like the reader, asking.
When I sat down to form this blog, I had an idea to write about my life. I would talk about everything I went through as a kid and progress till the way my life is now; showing along the way how God was there all along and I just needed to be real with Him and believe. I thought I could change lives by letting them hear and relate to my own. After all that is what a testimony is for.
But as I sat down to type it all out, I realized that the questions were still there. I had never found my answers to them in college. I just stopped asking.
My resolve was in the scriptures that I researched. They never answered the "Why?" I couldn't love another woman like that, or why I felt that I had been born different from other girls. But I remembered the story of Job and all it's "Why?"s left unanswered. Like why would God have such a casual meeting with the devil (I always imagined that they were having their discussion over tea and cookies - I guess I thought he was British or something) or How could God just kill off all of Job's children over some silly bet? Where is their redeemer? How did they get mixed up in this? Could we all just be some sort of collateral damage to someonelse's test of faith? It sounds like the unsatisfying punchline of an extremely morbid joke. (...Did you hear the one about Job?) But in the end, what does God say to Job? He says, (Who are you to question me? I am the Creator of all things, just as I have the right to give, I have the right to take away. I am in control of this - not you). What God actually says is a series of questions for Job to answer, starting in Job 38. (Google it) Job's response is almost speechlessness.
2 “I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know." -NIV
My mom used to tell me, "Love it, or leave it." Basically, she was telling me not to complain about it. There was no point to it. It's not like my protests would change anything. I believe that is where Job's resolve was found. God is God, and I am not. I have to trust Him, what other option do I have? -Love Him or Leave Him. In college, those were my options. I had to trust Him at his word, even though that meant that some of my questions would go unanswered. He created the world. He created me. He loved me even before I loved Him, and He's telling me, don't do this. My choice is simple: either I trust Him with my life or I don't.
This blog pushed the tough subjects for me. I wanted to ignore this part of my life, just leave it behind forever and not look back. But something was bringing me back. And after becoming reunited with some old friends, the "Why?" behind my struggles was coming into light.
Lately I've been thinking I went too far. I think cleaning out my closet was all for a good purpose, but to quote one of my close friends that confided in, "Oh Kayt, you are too hard on yourself." I think she's right.
I have been honest about all the bad, but I leave out all the good in me. That has always been a struggle for me, as I'm sure many of you can relate.
In my effort to remain humble, I think myself horrible.
(Stay tuned for Part 2)
-If you want people to pay attention, you have to be willing to pay the price. Just look at Lady Gaga or Katy Perry. Something tells me they don't dress the same when they're lounging in their living room. Many people are certainly not what they seem, and as paranoid as that sounds it's true. We are more than meets the eye. Don't judge a book by its cover...and all those other tired cliches.
As you may have noticed, I have not written anything on here in months. Not since the "rumor" (which was never really much of a bushfire to put out), nevertheless it made me go "huh?". Am I really as bad as I make myself sound?
Ok, I get it, sin is sin. Are my thoughts running away from me to another life with someone other than my husband sinful? - Yes. Was my moment of ecstasy (I say that sarcastically) in the arms of a male entertainer a big "Whoops!" -Definitely. And it was always my worst fear that Christian parents would shield their children from me if they ever new my inner "gay" struggles, but I never fathomed that it would be because of a sexual issue (i.e. pedophile). Wow! You can believe that took me back a few steps. I needed to seriously reevaluate how I presented myself.
In my effort to relate to my fellow Christian college alumni who have chosen the "alternative lifestyle", I wanted to show all my darkness. I wanted it to be widely known just to what extremes that I was willing to go to save my friends from possibly the biggest mistake of their life. (Feel free to quote me on that.) It was my hope that they would read these posts and see how close my life seems to theirs. We could journey to find the answers together...Answer the unrelenting question, "Why are some people gay?" or more personally, "Why do I feel this way?"
My favorite Christian author, Philip Yancey, uses this method when he writes. He asks the hard questions that many of us self conscious people would never say aloud. Questions like: Why would a loving God allow my child to die? Or -Where is God when life sucks (my paraphrase)?
It is possible that he already has the answers to these tough questions before he sits down to write, but I like to think that he started out like the reader, asking.
When I sat down to form this blog, I had an idea to write about my life. I would talk about everything I went through as a kid and progress till the way my life is now; showing along the way how God was there all along and I just needed to be real with Him and believe. I thought I could change lives by letting them hear and relate to my own. After all that is what a testimony is for.
But as I sat down to type it all out, I realized that the questions were still there. I had never found my answers to them in college. I just stopped asking.
My resolve was in the scriptures that I researched. They never answered the "Why?" I couldn't love another woman like that, or why I felt that I had been born different from other girls. But I remembered the story of Job and all it's "Why?"s left unanswered. Like why would God have such a casual meeting with the devil (I always imagined that they were having their discussion over tea and cookies - I guess I thought he was British or something) or How could God just kill off all of Job's children over some silly bet? Where is their redeemer? How did they get mixed up in this? Could we all just be some sort of collateral damage to someonelse's test of faith? It sounds like the unsatisfying punchline of an extremely morbid joke. (...Did you hear the one about Job?) But in the end, what does God say to Job? He says, (Who are you to question me? I am the Creator of all things, just as I have the right to give, I have the right to take away. I am in control of this - not you). What God actually says is a series of questions for Job to answer, starting in Job 38. (Google it) Job's response is almost speechlessness.
"Then Job replied to the Lord:
2 “I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know." -NIV
My mom used to tell me, "Love it, or leave it." Basically, she was telling me not to complain about it. There was no point to it. It's not like my protests would change anything. I believe that is where Job's resolve was found. God is God, and I am not. I have to trust Him, what other option do I have? -Love Him or Leave Him. In college, those were my options. I had to trust Him at his word, even though that meant that some of my questions would go unanswered. He created the world. He created me. He loved me even before I loved Him, and He's telling me, don't do this. My choice is simple: either I trust Him with my life or I don't.
This blog pushed the tough subjects for me. I wanted to ignore this part of my life, just leave it behind forever and not look back. But something was bringing me back. And after becoming reunited with some old friends, the "Why?" behind my struggles was coming into light.
Lately I've been thinking I went too far. I think cleaning out my closet was all for a good purpose, but to quote one of my close friends that confided in, "Oh Kayt, you are too hard on yourself." I think she's right.
I have been honest about all the bad, but I leave out all the good in me. That has always been a struggle for me, as I'm sure many of you can relate.
In my effort to remain humble, I think myself horrible.
(Stay tuned for Part 2)
Friday, September 21, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
The Rumor Weed
A friend referred to me as a lesbian today and told me that I have no business being near or working closely with young girls. Well folks, the moment that we've all been waiting for has arrived. Go get your large forks and your flames. They are coming to take me down.
This past Sunday morning I was introduced to a new chapter of my testimony - opposition / ridicule / fear. Those of you that have been long time readers on here (or tried to keep up) can generally figure me out well enough to see that I don't refer to myself as a "lesbian" or gay, queer or any other label associated. In my eyes, there is only one label that I take pride in - "Christian". It's nonsensical that I would be the object of aggression from my very own church family. And up till this point I have actually learned to relax and trust other people (Christians) with the delicate subject of my life. Many have welcomed me with open arms and few to none with closed fists. Till now... And now, I'm one friend less.
Admittedly when I started this post, I had it in mind to "spill the beans" and to gather my readers in a rally to stand against these ridiculous lies!!! -to make me feel better (there is a safety in numbers.) But when I finally sat down to gather my thoughts, I had this burn in my chest that told me, "Don't do this."
Even though I use false names on here, the people involved know that I am talking about them, behind their back. (Oh yeah! Now you can see the hypocrisy.) Even though I am miffed about the whole ordeal, what right do I have to go and do the same? Several people directly tied to the gossip have already done their part to apologize -only one saying it to my face, but who's counting?
There's little reason to hold onto it and string it out further just so I can be angry. Eventually even righteous anger loses it's rightness.
The friend that started the rumor has yet to give up her pride and admit her unfaithfulness. But beyond her lack of remorse, it bothers me that just now I am seeing her true opinion of me. She thinks that I am a lesbian, and even worse than that she thinks that I could be something more...a pedophile. That's a little more than I am willing to overlook in a friendship. I trusted her (more than I should of) and she in turn, ripped my heart out and stomped on it. That's hard to forgive.
It wasn't that long ago, that I had done something similar to a long time friend of mine. Willow and I had kept in touch since college. She traveled many miles to come to be a part of my wedding (newborn baby in tow), so it was an easy choice to make the trip across the upper mid-west when it was her time to get hitched. She wouldn't believe it if I told her, but Willow has been a tremendous blessing to my life. Isn't it funny, how we take things for granted, right to the point where they are ready to wave goodbye forever? But I'm not laughing. I almost lost Willow's friendship and I did lose her trust all because I wanted a moment of someones attention.
Willow had in trusted me with many of her secrets over the years and so when she was feeling stressed in the days leading up to her wedding, she wasn't hesitant to vent her feelings to me. In her frustration she confessed feelings of anger toward one of her friends, and told me that she couldn't even figure why she had allowed her as part of the wedding party. Obviously, I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice and blab about the details on here. To say it in short, I leaked those details to her friend.
It happened sometime later over the web, and I knew what my motivations were...and they were NOT "holy". When it got back to Willow that I had "talked", I immediately knew what I was up against. A broken trust is no different than a broken heart, neither of them heal well and both take a lot of time. I was embarrassed to do so, but I told Willow the awful truth about why I had spoke to her friend about it. I told her all the gruesome details that sparked my betrayal, but none of that mattered to her. She seemed numb and let down instead of angry. Willow spoke not only of her misuse of trust in me , but in everyone that she had ever known. She made our dilemma sound like it was just another notch on her "this world sucks" pole. Which would make you think that I was off the hook since not just me but the WHOLE world has let her down. I did not take it that way, and I certainly did not want this to be the end of our friendship. I needed her in my life too bad for that to happen, but I didn't realize that until now. Although our correspondence was mostly through instant messages and email, if she could have seen me I would have been on my hands and knees, begging for her forgiveness. I knew that in this moment I may only have this one shot at convincing her that I'm sorry and pray that she does not let what we were just fade to black. A year or more has passed since then (they go by way too quickly to keep track), and we still talk from time to time, but I know that it might never be the same. I let myself get in the way of good judgement, and although I can commend myself for taking immediate action with an honest apology, our relationship still bares the consequence. So in conclusion I wish to leave you with this thought: When it comes to gossip, rumors, or breaking confidence; the mouth is not the enemy. The problem is in the heart.
This past Sunday morning I was introduced to a new chapter of my testimony - opposition / ridicule / fear. Those of you that have been long time readers on here (or tried to keep up) can generally figure me out well enough to see that I don't refer to myself as a "lesbian" or gay, queer or any other label associated. In my eyes, there is only one label that I take pride in - "Christian". It's nonsensical that I would be the object of aggression from my very own church family. And up till this point I have actually learned to relax and trust other people (Christians) with the delicate subject of my life. Many have welcomed me with open arms and few to none with closed fists. Till now... And now, I'm one friend less.
[It all started with a question. That's what she said. And then he was listening in as they talked. He couldn't believe his ears and went to a friend for a second opinion... An email was sent to a few someones who never knew. Then phone calls were made to make sure it wasn't a fake... The walls came down and the weeds began to grow. The lies were planted between half truths and Satan was laughing as my previous feeling of protection was on its way to unglued. She said I wrote a love letter, he said I was living another life, they said I might be dangerous, but that my husband thought it was alright. None had all the answers, but that didn't slow them down, from speaking about it more to more people who it didn't concern. All of them wondering what should be done without asking the only one who could give them answers...me.]I know this is vague and slightly weird to read, but that's just how silly a rumor can be.
Admittedly when I started this post, I had it in mind to "spill the beans" and to gather my readers in a rally to stand against these ridiculous lies!!! -to make me feel better (there is a safety in numbers.) But when I finally sat down to gather my thoughts, I had this burn in my chest that told me, "Don't do this."
Even though I use false names on here, the people involved know that I am talking about them, behind their back. (Oh yeah! Now you can see the hypocrisy.) Even though I am miffed about the whole ordeal, what right do I have to go and do the same? Several people directly tied to the gossip have already done their part to apologize -only one saying it to my face, but who's counting?
There's little reason to hold onto it and string it out further just so I can be angry. Eventually even righteous anger loses it's rightness.
The friend that started the rumor has yet to give up her pride and admit her unfaithfulness. But beyond her lack of remorse, it bothers me that just now I am seeing her true opinion of me. She thinks that I am a lesbian, and even worse than that she thinks that I could be something more...a pedophile. That's a little more than I am willing to overlook in a friendship. I trusted her (more than I should of) and she in turn, ripped my heart out and stomped on it. That's hard to forgive.
It wasn't that long ago, that I had done something similar to a long time friend of mine. Willow and I had kept in touch since college. She traveled many miles to come to be a part of my wedding (newborn baby in tow), so it was an easy choice to make the trip across the upper mid-west when it was her time to get hitched. She wouldn't believe it if I told her, but Willow has been a tremendous blessing to my life. Isn't it funny, how we take things for granted, right to the point where they are ready to wave goodbye forever? But I'm not laughing. I almost lost Willow's friendship and I did lose her trust all because I wanted a moment of someones attention.
Willow had in trusted me with many of her secrets over the years and so when she was feeling stressed in the days leading up to her wedding, she wasn't hesitant to vent her feelings to me. In her frustration she confessed feelings of anger toward one of her friends, and told me that she couldn't even figure why she had allowed her as part of the wedding party. Obviously, I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice and blab about the details on here. To say it in short, I leaked those details to her friend.
It happened sometime later over the web, and I knew what my motivations were...and they were NOT "holy". When it got back to Willow that I had "talked", I immediately knew what I was up against. A broken trust is no different than a broken heart, neither of them heal well and both take a lot of time. I was embarrassed to do so, but I told Willow the awful truth about why I had spoke to her friend about it. I told her all the gruesome details that sparked my betrayal, but none of that mattered to her. She seemed numb and let down instead of angry. Willow spoke not only of her misuse of trust in me , but in everyone that she had ever known. She made our dilemma sound like it was just another notch on her "this world sucks" pole. Which would make you think that I was off the hook since not just me but the WHOLE world has let her down. I did not take it that way, and I certainly did not want this to be the end of our friendship. I needed her in my life too bad for that to happen, but I didn't realize that until now. Although our correspondence was mostly through instant messages and email, if she could have seen me I would have been on my hands and knees, begging for her forgiveness. I knew that in this moment I may only have this one shot at convincing her that I'm sorry and pray that she does not let what we were just fade to black. A year or more has passed since then (they go by way too quickly to keep track), and we still talk from time to time, but I know that it might never be the same. I let myself get in the way of good judgement, and although I can commend myself for taking immediate action with an honest apology, our relationship still bares the consequence. So in conclusion I wish to leave you with this thought: When it comes to gossip, rumors, or breaking confidence; the mouth is not the enemy. The problem is in the heart.
Monday, June 18, 2012
I boast no more
I am coming forward today to publicly recommit my life to Christ.
I have already been back on track with Him for a few months now and I know that it is unnecessary for me to announce it to my church family for me to be forgiven, but because my fear of confession before all of you is a problem- I think that I need to do this and confront that fear head on.
I want a life of integrity.
Over the past year or more I have been living a double life. -Going to bars,compromising my family and my faith in God, seeking out people and places that would lead me even further away- all in search of my own gratification. And I can't share the whole story now but I will say that it started with a disappointment in God.
That disappintment turned to anger than bitterness and later apathy.
I was ready to disregard my entire relationship with Jesus just because I didn't feel important to Him anymore. You might think that because I went to bars that drinking was my problem, that's not the case...
My problems were much deeper. I was on the verge of abandoning God -and along with that my marriage. I just stopped caring. This is not easy to say... But I can't work and serve beside all of you knowing that I am still keeping my life a secret. Satan thrives in fear. God has saved me from myself again. (... I am so thankful for that.)
Through His word and through prayer He has been leading me back to humility. -REALIZING this life is not about me and yet He still cares about my needs and my wants.. I am just thankful that He never gave up on me, even when I was ready to give up on Him.
Also, I am very grateful for the friends and mentors that have stood beside me through all of this -fully knowing all the garbage that I struggle with. I'm sure that it's been challenge for them to watch me go through this "growing process". God has reached out to me through all your care. Thank you Susie and Stephanie and Geri from Hope Ministries and Tim. -I was so afraid to talk to you. I honestly can say that I would not be making this huge step and putting the past behind me if were not for all of you. -There are so many others too like Thanks to Lisa Greathouse for giving me that extra nudge to come forward. God has used you all in a mighty way.
And I wanted you to know, your efforts were worth something to me. -And to His kingdom
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Father of the Year (Part 2)
I know that you have always viewed me as "rebellious", but it has never been easy for me stand up to you. It always seems inappropriate for a daughter to do.
Over the years the well of my hurt fills up and then explodes. That's what it feels like, an explosion of tears and frustration.
Nothing good would ever come from announcing all your crimes against me. I never understood why I would even bother? It's not like anything would change...
I thought that I wanted your remorse, maybe understanding, what I really needed was relief from carrying it around.
Dad, you are not the source of all my problems.
I do not blame you for MY bad choices. But you are a contributor to the direction that I tend to face. Your words and actions have left their marks on my life in ways that I would never have expected would trace back to our relationship. For example:
I honestly can say that I would not have the grounded relationship that I have Jesus if it were not for you. Though you were a terrible example of everything you preached, your failure made my need for a savior stronger. The stories of heroism from men and women from the Bible, encouraged me to draw closer to God, believing that He could adopt me and use me for His great purpose. In moments that I would wish myself dead (because I thought you wanted that too) God was able to show me how real He is.
If I were not stretched in such extreme ways, I might never have become so certain of my faith. I owe you the "thanks" for that. Your anger led me to depend upon His love. And those memories that I have of walking and talking with my God growing up, I cling to. They are my fond childhood memories. They are my roots. I don't know what else to say to you. I wish I could just forget. I pray for healing almost everyday. I know that this letter probably won't change anything, I never thought it would. But now you know that when I hug you or treat you like an ordinary father would be treated by his child, I do it not because you did anything to deserve that kind of affection from me, but because Jesus has. And He calls me to love my enemies.
Over the years the well of my hurt fills up and then explodes. That's what it feels like, an explosion of tears and frustration.
Nothing good would ever come from announcing all your crimes against me. I never understood why I would even bother? It's not like anything would change...
I thought that I wanted your remorse, maybe understanding, what I really needed was relief from carrying it around.
Dad, you are not the source of all my problems.
I do not blame you for MY bad choices. But you are a contributor to the direction that I tend to face. Your words and actions have left their marks on my life in ways that I would never have expected would trace back to our relationship. For example:
- I didn't realize till I was an adult that your view of a woman's role in family (and the way you treat Mom) would lead me down a path of constant avoidance of anything feminine.
- Or that I buy into your view of women even to the extent of feeling second rate to a man in relation to God and his love.
- I never thought that I would both hate being a girl and want to be intimate with another girl all because my father, a man, had made me feel worthless.
- I never thought that such a missing relationship with you would be able to reach into my adult life an still interrupt my self confidence.
I honestly can say that I would not have the grounded relationship that I have Jesus if it were not for you. Though you were a terrible example of everything you preached, your failure made my need for a savior stronger. The stories of heroism from men and women from the Bible, encouraged me to draw closer to God, believing that He could adopt me and use me for His great purpose. In moments that I would wish myself dead (because I thought you wanted that too) God was able to show me how real He is.
If I were not stretched in such extreme ways, I might never have become so certain of my faith. I owe you the "thanks" for that. Your anger led me to depend upon His love. And those memories that I have of walking and talking with my God growing up, I cling to. They are my fond childhood memories. They are my roots. I don't know what else to say to you. I wish I could just forget. I pray for healing almost everyday. I know that this letter probably won't change anything, I never thought it would. But now you know that when I hug you or treat you like an ordinary father would be treated by his child, I do it not because you did anything to deserve that kind of affection from me, but because Jesus has. And He calls me to love my enemies.
Father of the Year - A letter to my Dad on Father's Day (Part 1)
Dear Dad,
I know we've had our confrontations, but this letter is way over due.
I always wanted to love you just like I see other father/daughters do. I always wanted to look at you with admiration, and to show you the respect that a father shouldn't have to earn. But what I've always wanted most of all is to feel loved by you. - To be loved and not cursed; To feel wanted and not like an embarrassment or a bother.
As a child: I never thought I deserved that kind of love from you - from God - from anyone. You would put your world on my shoulders and I would fail you every time. You accused me of tricking you - plotting, as if I were some kind of saboteur, but I was just a kid. I was your daughter.
What was I to think, when my own "daddy" hated me so much? I couldn't do anything right in your eyes. There were many times you would come around with an apology. You wanted me to forgive and forget it. But the apology turned into just another order you were placing upon me. I MUST forgive now! I MUST forget and erase it from my memory - pretend it never happened NOW, all because you said "I'm sorry".
You wanted me to forget about what just happened that day? - the words that you said, the things you threw, the way in which you grabbed me, the hands around my neck, the anger that you still blamed me for causing you to lose control.
You came to me at night, long after I cried myself to sleep, because you wanted to forget about what had happened.
Maybe it was Mom that came to my rescue (oh how you hated when she would do that) that finally calmed you enough and was able to convince you that you'd done something wrong. Maybe you didn't want to feel the guilt anymore -The same guilt that I would feel, but that would never go away. Because your apology would get you off the hook, but not me. You always made sure that I was left with the knowledge that I still was at fault in all of this.
I was a good girl, who wanted to make her Heavenly Father proud with obedience more than I cared about making things right with you. So I did forgive - I couldn't help it. I love my Lord, and that meant that I also would love you. But I want you to know that your apologies were only a trigger/ a spark to ignite that hunger, to be closer to God. The closer I moved toward Him, the more I inched away from you and your tyranny over my heart. Your words were empty and confusing. Because with passion spilling out, you would yell hate at me. (I bet you don't even remember these things.) Even saying that you don't love me anymore, and then come to me to say that you LIED?!? I had to wonder eventually, was this apology for me?
Or for you?
I would forgive, but I was careful not to forget. Because I knew, I KNEW, it would happen again. I needed to be prepared. There is a reason why they teach history in schools. The thought is that we will learn from our mistakes, or prepare for events in our future that seem unavoidable. But whether I wanted to be a naive little girl or not, I really had no choice. I was haunted by the trauma that your anger aimed at me had caused. Haunted by the memories, the words, the look on your furious face. You became the monster of my dreams.
I know that you think that I have no right to bring all this dark of the past out into the light. But nothing really ever changed in your routine. I'm not there to upset you, so I don't have to avoid "a problem" anymore. Like a record that skips, I know the song is scratched somewhere because it's been played many times before - so everyone just waits for it to happen. You might be thinking that you are the broken record. It's true you are broken, but so am I now.
Mom tried many times to explain to me that you were not always this way, but there are so many scars, scrapes, and scratches between you and me. How can I attempt to see any way that you were before? And what does it matter to me? - It just feeds the idea the idea that there is something wrong with me.
Did I put the scratch in your record?? Did I do something to turn you the wrong away? What did I do to deserve a "daddy" like you?
I must admit. I hate Father's Day because of you.
They should have a Hallmark section for relationships like ours. If they did it would be called something like, "Pretend your Dad is the like the one your friend has." or "Your generic not too personal because you really don't get along at all but want to still be polite" section. Even now, especially now, when I see a dad and his girl together - the love and laughter that they so easily share between them, the closeness, the bond of trust that I witness just by viewing a moment in their life together, I get jealous. ....Sad more than jealous, a deep sadness, because not only will I never know what that's like because I can't go back in time, but also because of the deep scars that are left behind. Your reluctance to acknowledge the negative effect of your actions on the family has paralyzed any chance of us moving forward toward something better.
I will never know what it's like to hug my Daddy and KNOW that it's love that hugs me back.
I don't ask for much. I know that you can't do much about your personality, but if only you were capable of loving me, unselfishly. But as long as I've been aware of you, over the years, it's been made clearer to me, you don't live within the same world we do.
I know we've had our confrontations, but this letter is way over due.
I always wanted to love you just like I see other father/daughters do. I always wanted to look at you with admiration, and to show you the respect that a father shouldn't have to earn. But what I've always wanted most of all is to feel loved by you. - To be loved and not cursed; To feel wanted and not like an embarrassment or a bother.
As a child: I never thought I deserved that kind of love from you - from God - from anyone. You would put your world on my shoulders and I would fail you every time. You accused me of tricking you - plotting, as if I were some kind of saboteur, but I was just a kid. I was your daughter.
What was I to think, when my own "daddy" hated me so much? I couldn't do anything right in your eyes. There were many times you would come around with an apology. You wanted me to forgive and forget it. But the apology turned into just another order you were placing upon me. I MUST forgive now! I MUST forget and erase it from my memory - pretend it never happened NOW, all because you said "I'm sorry".
You wanted me to forget about what just happened that day? - the words that you said, the things you threw, the way in which you grabbed me, the hands around my neck, the anger that you still blamed me for causing you to lose control.
You came to me at night, long after I cried myself to sleep, because you wanted to forget about what had happened.
Maybe it was Mom that came to my rescue (oh how you hated when she would do that) that finally calmed you enough and was able to convince you that you'd done something wrong. Maybe you didn't want to feel the guilt anymore -The same guilt that I would feel, but that would never go away. Because your apology would get you off the hook, but not me. You always made sure that I was left with the knowledge that I still was at fault in all of this.
I was a good girl, who wanted to make her Heavenly Father proud with obedience more than I cared about making things right with you. So I did forgive - I couldn't help it. I love my Lord, and that meant that I also would love you. But I want you to know that your apologies were only a trigger/ a spark to ignite that hunger, to be closer to God. The closer I moved toward Him, the more I inched away from you and your tyranny over my heart. Your words were empty and confusing. Because with passion spilling out, you would yell hate at me. (I bet you don't even remember these things.) Even saying that you don't love me anymore, and then come to me to say that you LIED?!? I had to wonder eventually, was this apology for me?
Or for you?
I would forgive, but I was careful not to forget. Because I knew, I KNEW, it would happen again. I needed to be prepared. There is a reason why they teach history in schools. The thought is that we will learn from our mistakes, or prepare for events in our future that seem unavoidable. But whether I wanted to be a naive little girl or not, I really had no choice. I was haunted by the trauma that your anger aimed at me had caused. Haunted by the memories, the words, the look on your furious face. You became the monster of my dreams.
I know that you think that I have no right to bring all this dark of the past out into the light. But nothing really ever changed in your routine. I'm not there to upset you, so I don't have to avoid "a problem" anymore. Like a record that skips, I know the song is scratched somewhere because it's been played many times before - so everyone just waits for it to happen. You might be thinking that you are the broken record. It's true you are broken, but so am I now.
Mom tried many times to explain to me that you were not always this way, but there are so many scars, scrapes, and scratches between you and me. How can I attempt to see any way that you were before? And what does it matter to me? - It just feeds the idea the idea that there is something wrong with me.
Did I put the scratch in your record?? Did I do something to turn you the wrong away? What did I do to deserve a "daddy" like you?
I must admit. I hate Father's Day because of you.
They should have a Hallmark section for relationships like ours. If they did it would be called something like, "Pretend your Dad is the like the one your friend has." or "Your generic not too personal because you really don't get along at all but want to still be polite" section. Even now, especially now, when I see a dad and his girl together - the love and laughter that they so easily share between them, the closeness, the bond of trust that I witness just by viewing a moment in their life together, I get jealous. ....Sad more than jealous, a deep sadness, because not only will I never know what that's like because I can't go back in time, but also because of the deep scars that are left behind. Your reluctance to acknowledge the negative effect of your actions on the family has paralyzed any chance of us moving forward toward something better.
I will never know what it's like to hug my Daddy and KNOW that it's love that hugs me back.
I don't ask for much. I know that you can't do much about your personality, but if only you were capable of loving me, unselfishly. But as long as I've been aware of you, over the years, it's been made clearer to me, you don't live within the same world we do.
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