I expect so much from myself, yet I trust myself with so little.
Getting down to it, I always thought that if God says "Jump!" Your response should be "How high?" if not just to jump immediately. And if you think yourself unable to perform said action, for example (given the analogy) you are a cripple, your response should be the same. BECAUSE He's God! Who can argue with Him? ......Who am I to argue with Him?
Arguing with God... that reminds me of many "greats" written about in the Bible.
There was Jonah, probably the most common arguer remembered. He argued because he believed that God WOULD do the unthinkable or impossible, and he didn't want that to happen. God had to send a large mouth to talk some better sense to him. And even though Jonah eventually obeyed God's command, his heart never seemed to change.
I think most people forget that Moses argued with God. Before he became known for the Ten Commandments and the Twelve Plagues, Moses was a fugitive and a runaway. When God approached him about the mission "Save Israel", Moses had already made a life for himself and was happy and content to live out his days in it. He understood who God was and his position that he deserved, at His feet. He didn't understand why God would ask him to leave where he was at peace, to go and start a war with Egypt. More specifically, Moses argued that you got the wrong guy, God. Saying, "Surely YOU can do better than me!" So God said "Fine! Would it make you feel better, if I gave you an assistant?".
God wasn't budging from his plan to send Moses or Jonah, and he found the right ways to make them understand that.
The last character that comes to mind is Peter. Simon Peter had the balls to argue with God right to His face. Jesus gave Peter his horoscope and Peter said, "No way! I would never. You're wrong God!" To put it simply, Peter argued whether God really knew him better than he knew himself. In the end, fear and/or embarrassment won out over what Pete knew was right. The power of a moment and the loss of logical thought processes that goes with, was proven true right there with him. God knew he would fail, and told him so. Peter believed himself to be better than that though, even though that required him to debate with what he believed was the son of God.
These are the "greats" folks. Yet here I sit, expecting more from myself than them.
It seems that my greatest argument is denial.
--------------------------------
I would like to do a follow up post on this. Please keep checking back for that!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Gay/Bi/Lesbian or Straight - I was born this way
I handed my MP3 player off to my husband, and forgot that he had it when I drove away. So I was, in turn, "forced" to listen to the Top 40 over the radio on the way home. This song by Lady Gaga was number 15 this week.
Your thoughts?
Monday, March 7, 2011
Celebrating A full year of honesty
As of last month, it has been a year since my first blog entry. A full year of telling honest details about my past and present, many of which I have never spoken to anyone else before. And so I thought it was only right and fair that I let you know a little more truth about how I can write all this and also the difficulties that it presents.
The pro: I have gained confidence in myself by releasing the fear that kept me captive for so long.
I started out alone with the feeling that I was doomed to forever be that way. Me with my secrets that I would try to force out of my life only for them to reappear again and again; making my new life seem like just another lie. I thought if people only knew the truth about me, they would hate me. There might be rope involved even. Unrealistic, maybe, but that was my fear. I was taught to look at homosexuals etc like they were sick in the head, and damned for what they were and what they did. As Christians we say, "to love the sinner and hate the sin", but many times while we are "hating the sin", the sin is all we ever see. I hated me; because I thought that was what a Christian would do. But with this blog and sharing with others (including other Christians) I have found that it is love and not hate that was on the other side. Sure, people have advice and want to help, but the looks I get are not disgust. The hugs I get are not given a second thought of hesitation. There are no pitch forks or angry mobs coming after me, and knowing that brings relief. I am thankful to God and to my readers for being adult about all of this. I am most thankful that they are more grown up than me. But I'm getting there....
The con: I am not objective to my own life.
With everything that I talk about or write about myself, even in past events, I write from my point of view. But my point of view is tainted, limited. As I move further away from where I was to where I am, some things get clearer and I start to make connections. Yet there is always me and my perception that gets in the way. This makes writing and truthfulness exceptionally hard. I am trying to self analyze my situation, and come out of it with some logical solutions. That's impossible! I try to explain my thoughts and feeling about things, things- I still don't understand. I pick my motivations/actions apart looking for answers, knowing that I will eventually (possibly even the next week) come back to what I just wrote and disagree with my conclusions. In short, the biggest con is confusion.
The only clarity that I have ever found in this life can be summed up in one word, "Christ". When I choose Him over me, if I think more about Him and less about me, I find that open sky.
I don't mean to preach. This "blog" (I hate that word btw) was always meant to be a safe place for anyone/everyone to share their thoughts and beliefs. I'd like to think that it's still that safe place. And this my belief.
I can't wait to hear yours.
The pro: I have gained confidence in myself by releasing the fear that kept me captive for so long.
I started out alone with the feeling that I was doomed to forever be that way. Me with my secrets that I would try to force out of my life only for them to reappear again and again; making my new life seem like just another lie. I thought if people only knew the truth about me, they would hate me. There might be rope involved even. Unrealistic, maybe, but that was my fear. I was taught to look at homosexuals etc like they were sick in the head, and damned for what they were and what they did. As Christians we say, "to love the sinner and hate the sin", but many times while we are "hating the sin", the sin is all we ever see. I hated me; because I thought that was what a Christian would do. But with this blog and sharing with others (including other Christians) I have found that it is love and not hate that was on the other side. Sure, people have advice and want to help, but the looks I get are not disgust. The hugs I get are not given a second thought of hesitation. There are no pitch forks or angry mobs coming after me, and knowing that brings relief. I am thankful to God and to my readers for being adult about all of this. I am most thankful that they are more grown up than me. But I'm getting there....
The con: I am not objective to my own life.
With everything that I talk about or write about myself, even in past events, I write from my point of view. But my point of view is tainted, limited. As I move further away from where I was to where I am, some things get clearer and I start to make connections. Yet there is always me and my perception that gets in the way. This makes writing and truthfulness exceptionally hard. I am trying to self analyze my situation, and come out of it with some logical solutions. That's impossible! I try to explain my thoughts and feeling about things, things- I still don't understand. I pick my motivations/actions apart looking for answers, knowing that I will eventually (possibly even the next week) come back to what I just wrote and disagree with my conclusions. In short, the biggest con is confusion.
The only clarity that I have ever found in this life can be summed up in one word, "Christ". When I choose Him over me, if I think more about Him and less about me, I find that open sky.
I don't mean to preach. This "blog" (I hate that word btw) was always meant to be a safe place for anyone/everyone to share their thoughts and beliefs. I'd like to think that it's still that safe place. And this my belief.
I can't wait to hear yours.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Strategies of Defense
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
I recognize that most everyone who has been, teased, hazed, publicly embarrassed, or in some other way broken down has had reason to develop a strategy of protection for future attacks. We each write our own chapter of defensive maneuvers. And although these strategies might differ greatly, one from another, they always share one thing in common. They are top secret.
Who am I? ...and What is "cool"? Whatever it is, it has been the center and primary cause of my personal transformation. that which has been carried on to what I am today Yet "cool" is also the cause of everything I have lost of what I was before. US magazine and Seventeen might think that a plus for my personality, but the upkeep of coolness has left me void of the real me. This is much more than identity issues or premid-life crisis. The pursuit after cliche' greatness was put into action by yours truly as a defense. [Without putting my life now up to a microscope for everyone to point out all my "uncool" ways, let me just say, that is missing the point.] I changed who I was to fit in with the masses (one or another). The old me cowered under ridicule and persecution so much that a new me had to be made. The inevitable question is, would I have put so much effort into following fads if I had never been tease?
Loneliness is what I felt when I was alone. When I was around others, I was too self aware of every action and interaction to pay much attention to how I felt about my life. Not a detail would go undocumented inside my head. If I felt in a potential threatening situation,( i.e. being around people that could seriously tear me down) even something as simple as how I crossed my legs would be carefully considered. Every word, every tone, inflection, and body language was imprinted inside my memory to soon after recall and replay under high self scrutiny later on. Sometimes, I might congratulate myself on a job well done, other times...not so much. I was always on the lookout for new and better tactics. I would find those sometimes in movies, in music lyrics, from others conservations, and sometimes just watching people in a crowded area like a restaurant or mall would give me improvised ideas. But the loneliness was always there, waiting to remind me that I was fake.
After years of progression away from the original Kayt, the process of faking it, didn't take so much thought. This was the me that I created. The me that hate had made. I still clung onto God. He was the only one that knew from where I came. I think that was what really kept us close. A seemingly silent and faceless figure was the only one that knew my secrets. He offered me His always listening ear, and the closest thing to cure my pain in the down times; times when all I would want to pray for was for someone who understood. I longed for someone to know me. I hoped and prayed for that even long after I even acknowledged to myself that I was indeed faking. I had become unaware of all the acting that I was doing on a daily basis, but still aware of the feeling it left behind.
I think I would have put up a moat around myself, if I thought it would've kept the monsters out. Unfortunately, the monsters lived mostly in my memories and through those same voices replaying inside my head. I was like Scooby and Shaggy piling everything in front of the door that the monster had come through before, thinking I had him all locked out. Then I turn around and see that the monster was the one helping me and now I'm trapped inside because of the barricade that I have made to keep him out.
My relationships have suffered over this. Including friendships, potential friendships, extended family relationships, and of course the relationship that I have with my spouse. In fact, Drew and I had a conversation about my "coolness" the other day. You see, when Drew and I met, I had him fooled. There was not much effort put to it, or even aimed in his direction, because it was just habit by then. He later told me just how intimidating I was to him, appearing to have it all together. As we got closer the walls started to come down a bit, especially after I confessed my attraction to women to him and details about my past. But it wasn't till our conversation recently that I realized, I'm still putting on that face for him and when I do, I start to believe in that tough and confidently cool girl that I portray. I start to believe that she is me, the real me. ....And that I'm better than him.
It's not me. It becomes me. Sometimes that's okay, but what is my motivation?
I started out running away from dresses; loving dirt and the outdoors. Others did not approve of my hair style, my walk, my clothes, and the activities I enjoyed so I sought after someone more feminine than me. And behind my eyes, I pretended to be her. "Her" was not any one person but a compilation of many. I got into character for the role that I needed to play. Rosa was my inspiration to improve my character to someone who would attract men. She was flirtatious, but still innocent and smart. She would dumb herself down just for those occasions to get a boy to like her. The clothes were easier to change than the walk. With the walk, I really had to practice. One foot in front of the other like on a tight rope, but with sass and confidence, never ever look down. At a time in my life when I should have been modeling myself after Christ, I was putting all my energy into my cover-up.
I know it's not just me. Many others practice their faces in the mirror before heading out to work, church, or school. We took the imagination that used to take us to far off places as children, and created a more acceptable and less afraid adult. Many of us don't even recognize our created characters anymore. We have done it for so long, that we don't know what is happening to us when the real begins to show through. It's shocking and frightening, like we are losing control. And we must always be in control.
What would happen if we let it show?
Janet is going through a divorce. She has two kids; one from a previous marriage gone wrong. And Janet is worried about letting people in on her crumbling marriage. She thinks people gossip about her husband and family already and of course that bothers her. She was the one who left this time, and he acts like he wants her back. But her mind is made up. She's done. Although when they go to public events they are together. In church they sit together. They shake hands together. He leads her into the room with his hand on the small of her back. I see this happening and I think, "That's great! I'm glad that they are working things out.", but they're not. Janet tells me that it's just an act, because she doesn't want to make a scene/scandal for people to talk about. And I can't believe what I'm hearing from her. She is hanging out with this guy pretending like everything is wonderful, when in reality she can't stand him anymore. She is willing to sacrifice so much just to save herself from possible ridicule. So she pretends in front of her friends.
Her friends.....
What if the monsters are just in our heads?
I mean, if we are all pulling the same tricks for each other, what would happen if someone had the courage to finally unwrap their mask? Would we have the courage to follow them?
Or would we stand and point?
"If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of, then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall. And I am not immune, I only want to be loved, but I feel safe behind the firewall. Could I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth, I need to confess. I'm not alright."
-Sanctus Real
I recognize that most everyone who has been, teased, hazed, publicly embarrassed, or in some other way broken down has had reason to develop a strategy of protection for future attacks. We each write our own chapter of defensive maneuvers. And although these strategies might differ greatly, one from another, they always share one thing in common. They are top secret.
Who am I? ...and What is "cool"? Whatever it is, it has been the center and primary cause of my personal transformation. that which has been carried on to what I am today Yet "cool" is also the cause of everything I have lost of what I was before. US magazine and Seventeen might think that a plus for my personality, but the upkeep of coolness has left me void of the real me. This is much more than identity issues or premid-life crisis. The pursuit after cliche' greatness was put into action by yours truly as a defense. [Without putting my life now up to a microscope for everyone to point out all my "uncool" ways, let me just say, that is missing the point.] I changed who I was to fit in with the masses (one or another). The old me cowered under ridicule and persecution so much that a new me had to be made. The inevitable question is, would I have put so much effort into following fads if I had never been tease?
Loneliness is what I felt when I was alone. When I was around others, I was too self aware of every action and interaction to pay much attention to how I felt about my life. Not a detail would go undocumented inside my head. If I felt in a potential threatening situation,( i.e. being around people that could seriously tear me down) even something as simple as how I crossed my legs would be carefully considered. Every word, every tone, inflection, and body language was imprinted inside my memory to soon after recall and replay under high self scrutiny later on. Sometimes, I might congratulate myself on a job well done, other times...not so much. I was always on the lookout for new and better tactics. I would find those sometimes in movies, in music lyrics, from others conservations, and sometimes just watching people in a crowded area like a restaurant or mall would give me improvised ideas. But the loneliness was always there, waiting to remind me that I was fake.
After years of progression away from the original Kayt, the process of faking it, didn't take so much thought. This was the me that I created. The me that hate had made. I still clung onto God. He was the only one that knew from where I came. I think that was what really kept us close. A seemingly silent and faceless figure was the only one that knew my secrets. He offered me His always listening ear, and the closest thing to cure my pain in the down times; times when all I would want to pray for was for someone who understood. I longed for someone to know me. I hoped and prayed for that even long after I even acknowledged to myself that I was indeed faking. I had become unaware of all the acting that I was doing on a daily basis, but still aware of the feeling it left behind.
I think I would have put up a moat around myself, if I thought it would've kept the monsters out. Unfortunately, the monsters lived mostly in my memories and through those same voices replaying inside my head. I was like Scooby and Shaggy piling everything in front of the door that the monster had come through before, thinking I had him all locked out. Then I turn around and see that the monster was the one helping me and now I'm trapped inside because of the barricade that I have made to keep him out.
My relationships have suffered over this. Including friendships, potential friendships, extended family relationships, and of course the relationship that I have with my spouse. In fact, Drew and I had a conversation about my "coolness" the other day. You see, when Drew and I met, I had him fooled. There was not much effort put to it, or even aimed in his direction, because it was just habit by then. He later told me just how intimidating I was to him, appearing to have it all together. As we got closer the walls started to come down a bit, especially after I confessed my attraction to women to him and details about my past. But it wasn't till our conversation recently that I realized, I'm still putting on that face for him and when I do, I start to believe in that tough and confidently cool girl that I portray. I start to believe that she is me, the real me. ....And that I'm better than him.
It's not me. It becomes me. Sometimes that's okay, but what is my motivation?
I started out running away from dresses; loving dirt and the outdoors. Others did not approve of my hair style, my walk, my clothes, and the activities I enjoyed so I sought after someone more feminine than me. And behind my eyes, I pretended to be her. "Her" was not any one person but a compilation of many. I got into character for the role that I needed to play. Rosa was my inspiration to improve my character to someone who would attract men. She was flirtatious, but still innocent and smart. She would dumb herself down just for those occasions to get a boy to like her. The clothes were easier to change than the walk. With the walk, I really had to practice. One foot in front of the other like on a tight rope, but with sass and confidence, never ever look down. At a time in my life when I should have been modeling myself after Christ, I was putting all my energy into my cover-up.
I know it's not just me. Many others practice their faces in the mirror before heading out to work, church, or school. We took the imagination that used to take us to far off places as children, and created a more acceptable and less afraid adult. Many of us don't even recognize our created characters anymore. We have done it for so long, that we don't know what is happening to us when the real begins to show through. It's shocking and frightening, like we are losing control. And we must always be in control.
What would happen if we let it show?
Janet is going through a divorce. She has two kids; one from a previous marriage gone wrong. And Janet is worried about letting people in on her crumbling marriage. She thinks people gossip about her husband and family already and of course that bothers her. She was the one who left this time, and he acts like he wants her back. But her mind is made up. She's done. Although when they go to public events they are together. In church they sit together. They shake hands together. He leads her into the room with his hand on the small of her back. I see this happening and I think, "That's great! I'm glad that they are working things out.", but they're not. Janet tells me that it's just an act, because she doesn't want to make a scene/scandal for people to talk about. And I can't believe what I'm hearing from her. She is hanging out with this guy pretending like everything is wonderful, when in reality she can't stand him anymore. She is willing to sacrifice so much just to save herself from possible ridicule. So she pretends in front of her friends.
Her friends.....
What if the monsters are just in our heads?
I mean, if we are all pulling the same tricks for each other, what would happen if someone had the courage to finally unwrap their mask? Would we have the courage to follow them?
Or would we stand and point?
"If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of, then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall. And I am not immune, I only want to be loved, but I feel safe behind the firewall. Could I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth, I need to confess. I'm not alright."
-Sanctus Real
Thursday, February 10, 2011
be patient
I have been working on a new post, but it's not quite ready yet. I have been incredibly busy and when I have any free time, all I want to do is relax or go to bed.
But here's a hint about the next post:
Imagine...
Everything you appear to be is everything you're not.
Believe...
There is more to life than just to make it through another day without being hurt again.
Follow...
In the footsteps back to your youth. Things were not always this scary. The monsters are real, but are not chasing you anymore.
It's time...
For demolition.
Your time...
And mine, to finally be understood.
But here's a hint about the next post:
Imagine...
Everything you appear to be is everything you're not.
Believe...
There is more to life than just to make it through another day without being hurt again.
Follow...
In the footsteps back to your youth. Things were not always this scary. The monsters are real, but are not chasing you anymore.
It's time...
For demolition.
Your time...
And mine, to finally be understood.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Let's talk about
Sex..
has been my drug addiction for the past six years.
Our society finds it so easy to sing about it, make jokes about it, design sitcoms about it, create magizine quizs or "dos and don'ts" about it, but for someone to actually discuss their personal experiences surrounding their own sex-life ...that's getting too personal.
And admittingly, I had to have a drink before writing about this.
The term "sex" can mean a lot of things. Although everything is better with a friend, it is not always mandatory to reach that sexual high. Anything addictive is ultimately a selfish desire working it's way to its fulfillment. And self-love has no place inside intimacy. Naturally, porn is born because of this followed by strip clubs and prostitution. Everyone wants to feel that high without the worry of caring for another person. That would require a relationship, and a relationship means work. And intimacy means transparency which can lead to ridcule and change i.e. more work.
I need a lot of work.
My first real sexual experience was with my husband, Drew. We were not married or engaged at the time. I was still clinging onto the idea that Ben and I would someday get back together. My heart was damaged so badly by Ben and I never thought it would recover. But one night in the back of a car with Drew would mark the beginning of something new. It didn't feel "dirty" or like something we needed to think twice about. And instantly I felt a closeness to Drew like we had been like this for lifetimes before. "Exposed" didn't seem awful
and intmacy was what kept us coming back for more, instead of chore. We felt connected. I felt at peace.
Before Drew, before Ben, I was alone. I dated more guys than I care to remember. None of them would amount to anything significant in my life, and I knew that from the start. But I thought I needed to go out with them to feel like a normal girl. I thought I needed them around and wanting me, to be beautiful. After I achieved the level of desire in my date, I was ready to move on. I discarded them like they were used needles, and I didn't feel bad at all for using them for my own pleasures. I would rather be the user than be the used.
A marriage takes work. It takes patience and unbending commitment to not only live with another person as part of your family, but to also contiuously churn that fire of desire for that person; loving them more than yourself. My mother-in-law must have realized this from her marriage, when she spent close to two hundred dollers on tickets to a marriage seminar for her son and I to go to. I don't remember much of what was said by speaker Gary Smalley; what I do remember most was having lunch with my husband. Those with small children I'm sure can relate that there are not many times when you and your spouse get that time to get away from the titles of "mommy and daddy". That short 45 minute lunch break gave Drew and I a chance to not only reflect on all the info from the conference it gave us a moment to reflect on ourselves; where we were going; where we want to be; and how we thought we would get there. We talked about our future goals. We prayed about our past. And we relaxed in the present knowing that times like these don't last too long. For now, we felt reconnected.
Marriage is more than sex Yet sex is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. I struggle with that fact a lot in my marriage. It's not because I don't desire a sexual relationship; I do. It's just that it takes so much effort to get to that opportunity. The problem is not just time, kids, work schedules, sleep schedules, mood schedules, or stress in the home. It's all of those things and add in for each of us our past experiences both with each other and others, and you have a great cocktail of unhappiness and sexual frustration. That frustration becomes exaggerated in our effort to fulfill our own desires. We need that connection on more levels than just physical. But still, when I get angry and annoyed with Drew and knowing that our relationship is not what it should be, blaming him, blaming me, blaming God and life, I feel alone and like I have to look after myself in the name of self preservation. Because if I don't, no one else will.
My eyes search for a cure for my pain. I know how that first feeling with Drew felt, and I want to always go back there again and again. But all the masturbation or fantasies about another will never bring me back to that high. As much as it pains me sometimes, I realize that I need him. I need to love him and him to care for me in order to be satisfied. In my anger, I remembered only the peacefulness I felt that first night together; making the mistake of thinking that the climax was what got me there. When all along the high was in the relationship.
Now I could blame my previous porn addiction or the TV shows I've watched, books I've read, different avenues that I took to explore my attraction to women. But that blame doesn't solve anything. When the fact is, I think about sex all the time now. I assume, looking around in other people eyes, that they think about it too. But they don't. And it's come to this- me alone, my husband feeling alone, and both of us trying to get our needs met by the other. I don't know a lot about good relationships, but I know what love is, and what love is not. Love is not self-seeking. Although I sacrifice much of myself daily for my family, I am guilty of not loving. As long as I continue to love myself more, I will never be available to receive that peace that I've been searching for.
I want to forget about sex. Let's talk about love.
has been my drug addiction for the past six years.
Our society finds it so easy to sing about it, make jokes about it, design sitcoms about it, create magizine quizs or "dos and don'ts" about it, but for someone to actually discuss their personal experiences surrounding their own sex-life ...that's getting too personal.
And admittingly, I had to have a drink before writing about this.
The term "sex" can mean a lot of things. Although everything is better with a friend, it is not always mandatory to reach that sexual high. Anything addictive is ultimately a selfish desire working it's way to its fulfillment. And self-love has no place inside intimacy. Naturally, porn is born because of this followed by strip clubs and prostitution. Everyone wants to feel that high without the worry of caring for another person. That would require a relationship, and a relationship means work. And intimacy means transparency which can lead to ridcule and change i.e. more work.
I need a lot of work.
My first real sexual experience was with my husband, Drew. We were not married or engaged at the time. I was still clinging onto the idea that Ben and I would someday get back together. My heart was damaged so badly by Ben and I never thought it would recover. But one night in the back of a car with Drew would mark the beginning of something new. It didn't feel "dirty" or like something we needed to think twice about. And instantly I felt a closeness to Drew like we had been like this for lifetimes before. "Exposed" didn't seem awful
and intmacy was what kept us coming back for more, instead of chore. We felt connected. I felt at peace.
Before Drew, before Ben, I was alone. I dated more guys than I care to remember. None of them would amount to anything significant in my life, and I knew that from the start. But I thought I needed to go out with them to feel like a normal girl. I thought I needed them around and wanting me, to be beautiful. After I achieved the level of desire in my date, I was ready to move on. I discarded them like they were used needles, and I didn't feel bad at all for using them for my own pleasures. I would rather be the user than be the used.
A marriage takes work. It takes patience and unbending commitment to not only live with another person as part of your family, but to also contiuously churn that fire of desire for that person; loving them more than yourself. My mother-in-law must have realized this from her marriage, when she spent close to two hundred dollers on tickets to a marriage seminar for her son and I to go to. I don't remember much of what was said by speaker Gary Smalley; what I do remember most was having lunch with my husband. Those with small children I'm sure can relate that there are not many times when you and your spouse get that time to get away from the titles of "mommy and daddy". That short 45 minute lunch break gave Drew and I a chance to not only reflect on all the info from the conference it gave us a moment to reflect on ourselves; where we were going; where we want to be; and how we thought we would get there. We talked about our future goals. We prayed about our past. And we relaxed in the present knowing that times like these don't last too long. For now, we felt reconnected.
Marriage is more than sex Yet sex is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. I struggle with that fact a lot in my marriage. It's not because I don't desire a sexual relationship; I do. It's just that it takes so much effort to get to that opportunity. The problem is not just time, kids, work schedules, sleep schedules, mood schedules, or stress in the home. It's all of those things and add in for each of us our past experiences both with each other and others, and you have a great cocktail of unhappiness and sexual frustration. That frustration becomes exaggerated in our effort to fulfill our own desires. We need that connection on more levels than just physical. But still, when I get angry and annoyed with Drew and knowing that our relationship is not what it should be, blaming him, blaming me, blaming God and life, I feel alone and like I have to look after myself in the name of self preservation. Because if I don't, no one else will.
My eyes search for a cure for my pain. I know how that first feeling with Drew felt, and I want to always go back there again and again. But all the masturbation or fantasies about another will never bring me back to that high. As much as it pains me sometimes, I realize that I need him. I need to love him and him to care for me in order to be satisfied. In my anger, I remembered only the peacefulness I felt that first night together; making the mistake of thinking that the climax was what got me there. When all along the high was in the relationship.
Now I could blame my previous porn addiction or the TV shows I've watched, books I've read, different avenues that I took to explore my attraction to women. But that blame doesn't solve anything. When the fact is, I think about sex all the time now. I assume, looking around in other people eyes, that they think about it too. But they don't. And it's come to this- me alone, my husband feeling alone, and both of us trying to get our needs met by the other. I don't know a lot about good relationships, but I know what love is, and what love is not. Love is not self-seeking. Although I sacrifice much of myself daily for my family, I am guilty of not loving. As long as I continue to love myself more, I will never be available to receive that peace that I've been searching for.
I want to forget about sex. Let's talk about love.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Letters from the Past
Over the past 12 years, I have kept a prayer journal. Although I do not write as much as I used to, I still find it useful to look back and read letters from my past; to see what God has done.
The following are a few of my entries that I came across:
(All entries are undoctored, only punctuation was added.)
-------------------------
7-8-02
Dear Father,
I don't like getting old anymore. I want to stay young and fit forever.
There is so much pain and grief in this world. It's everywhere; sometimes "hope" seems snuffed out by it all.
Most of the time, I just want to talk to you about "crunchy peanut butter" just because I don't want to have to think about real issues: Like where is my life going right now, and will I ever talk to {deleted friend's name} again?
I don't want to write anymore right now.
-------------------------
7-18-01
Dear Father,
Thank you for your strength and joy and peace that you gave me yesterday. I pray, and I will pray, that everyday it might not just be the same but grow with increasing measure each day.
Thank you for all the many blessings: like air to breathe, the Holy Spirit, trees, people to love and to love me, and you, a room to clean, and stuff to dirty it with. Thank you for who you are, which amazes me. It seems every time I turn around, I discover another aspect of your nature/ways, and it's wonderful- to wonderful- to awesome for words.
Now Father, I ask for the courage and the wisdom to search out actively/excitedly, people to love and to serve that I might love and serve you more.
Thank you again. Amen.
---------------------------
5-4-03
Dear Father,
Forgive me for falling in love with my dreams -And cheating on my husband in that way. Forgive me for taking that word fidelity or adultry so lightly sometimes, just because of the culture that I live in. Father, forgive me for not seeking you in every way and at every moment. Forgive me for being envious of other people's lives and money and stuff that they own.
Thank you for revealing these things to me.
Help me to learn to love Drew more. Help me to discover him the way that I want him to discover me; and the way that he already has.
Fix me, Father. Fix me!
Make me how you think I should be.
I love you, and I thank you for your grace.
--------------------------
5-28-07
Dear Father,
It's been so long since I opened up your word to read it on my own. That can't be a good sign of where my priorities lie.
I just put [my daughter] to bed after feeding her. I held her in my arms close to my chest while she slept. Most of the time I feel so disconnected from her during the day with everything going on and [my son] demanding my attention. But for those moments of quiet time with just [my daughter] and I together, I feel so close to her; as if she were still sleeping and growing inside me. It's hard for me to let those moments come to an end.
I hold her close while she sleeps and I think to myself, with such satisfaction, "we are the same". It's a wonderful feeling.
I also believe it to be a big break through for that to be an honest thought and feeling from me now.
I'm trusting you ..deep breath - good night.
----------------------
6-3-07
Dear God,
Thank you for taking care of me today - and reminding me that I am not alone. I actually felt peace.
The day went by so fast. Everyday that Drew is off usually does though.
I still feel everyday incompetent to be a wife or a mother, but you are giving me the confidence that I need.
It's hard to forgive those that I feel are responsible for my low self esteem and lack of confidence; but each day is a new day with a new start and end for me- so it is for them too.
The effects are still felt for years though and it's hard to let go and learn something different.
Teach me, Father, to listen and believe only in you.
Sometimes I feel as if I should not ever watch T.V. again, or go to the mall, or go to see a movie. They all corrupt and pollute my mind- which bleeds into my heart. But then, I guess, I shouldn't even walk out my front door or go to the store to buy groceries...There was a man who was waiting for me and the stroller with [my daughter] in it to move today in the Wal-Mart parking lot so that he could back out, and he actually cussed at me- or the situation- saying "Damn it!" -What is that about?? The world is a scary and sinful place, and you have asked my family to live in it. So although we want to be separate from it with our purposes, we must be a part of it with our every waking being [yes, I wrote that...].
Tell me how you did it. Tell me that learning from you, "the perfect man", is not a lost cause for someone totally mortal and sinful like me.
Prove to me that you can take my messed-up life with the messed up past and make something completely useful and great out of it.
Please, I beg you. Prove it!
The following are a few of my entries that I came across:
(All entries are undoctored, only punctuation was added.)
-------------------------
7-8-02
Dear Father,
I don't like getting old anymore. I want to stay young and fit forever.
There is so much pain and grief in this world. It's everywhere; sometimes "hope" seems snuffed out by it all.
Most of the time, I just want to talk to you about "crunchy peanut butter" just because I don't want to have to think about real issues: Like where is my life going right now, and will I ever talk to {deleted friend's name} again?
I don't want to write anymore right now.
-------------------------
7-18-01
Dear Father,
Thank you for your strength and joy and peace that you gave me yesterday. I pray, and I will pray, that everyday it might not just be the same but grow with increasing measure each day.
Thank you for all the many blessings: like air to breathe, the Holy Spirit, trees, people to love and to love me, and you, a room to clean, and stuff to dirty it with. Thank you for who you are, which amazes me. It seems every time I turn around, I discover another aspect of your nature/ways, and it's wonderful- to wonderful- to awesome for words.
Now Father, I ask for the courage and the wisdom to search out actively/excitedly, people to love and to serve that I might love and serve you more.
Thank you again. Amen.
---------------------------
5-4-03
Dear Father,
Forgive me for falling in love with my dreams -And cheating on my husband in that way. Forgive me for taking that word fidelity or adultry so lightly sometimes, just because of the culture that I live in. Father, forgive me for not seeking you in every way and at every moment. Forgive me for being envious of other people's lives and money and stuff that they own.
Thank you for revealing these things to me.
Help me to learn to love Drew more. Help me to discover him the way that I want him to discover me; and the way that he already has.
Fix me, Father. Fix me!
Make me how you think I should be.
I love you, and I thank you for your grace.
--------------------------
5-28-07
Dear Father,
It's been so long since I opened up your word to read it on my own. That can't be a good sign of where my priorities lie.
I just put [my daughter] to bed after feeding her. I held her in my arms close to my chest while she slept. Most of the time I feel so disconnected from her during the day with everything going on and [my son] demanding my attention. But for those moments of quiet time with just [my daughter] and I together, I feel so close to her; as if she were still sleeping and growing inside me. It's hard for me to let those moments come to an end.
I hold her close while she sleeps and I think to myself, with such satisfaction, "we are the same". It's a wonderful feeling.
I also believe it to be a big break through for that to be an honest thought and feeling from me now.
I'm trusting you ..deep breath - good night.
----------------------
6-3-07
Dear God,
Thank you for taking care of me today - and reminding me that I am not alone. I actually felt peace.
The day went by so fast. Everyday that Drew is off usually does though.
I still feel everyday incompetent to be a wife or a mother, but you are giving me the confidence that I need.
It's hard to forgive those that I feel are responsible for my low self esteem and lack of confidence; but each day is a new day with a new start and end for me- so it is for them too.
The effects are still felt for years though and it's hard to let go and learn something different.
Teach me, Father, to listen and believe only in you.
Sometimes I feel as if I should not ever watch T.V. again, or go to the mall, or go to see a movie. They all corrupt and pollute my mind- which bleeds into my heart. But then, I guess, I shouldn't even walk out my front door or go to the store to buy groceries...There was a man who was waiting for me and the stroller with [my daughter] in it to move today in the Wal-Mart parking lot so that he could back out, and he actually cussed at me- or the situation- saying "Damn it!" -What is that about?? The world is a scary and sinful place, and you have asked my family to live in it. So although we want to be separate from it with our purposes, we must be a part of it with our every waking being [yes, I wrote that...].
Tell me how you did it. Tell me that learning from you, "the perfect man", is not a lost cause for someone totally mortal and sinful like me.
Prove to me that you can take my messed-up life with the messed up past and make something completely useful and great out of it.
Please, I beg you. Prove it!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Someone push the Reset button
I hate routines and that hate leads me down a path of chaos and disorganization. And then worries breed inside my mind like bunnies. It's obvious that I can't survive with so much (another word for chaos) in my daily life. I make lists to unburden myself from the worry that I might forget about all that worries me.
"Cast all your cares on Him"
I don't think it is any big secret to tell you that I have been struggling with my faith lately. I don't even know why. There was no big tragedy that happened to me within the past year to spread doubt. I don't have any new "proof" against the faith to really speak of. On the contrary, I can easily ramble off the many different ways that God has intervened in my life and in the lives of those around me. Unexplainable circumstances that point me to believe in a loving and faithful God, who remains unseen but whose hand is seen in everything. Yet I still feel skeptical. My faith feels overcast, like it's stuck in a fog.
I was planning my route to spend some time with an old friend from college. Her and her family live roughly only 4 and half hours from us and we, as a family, had been over to visit a few times before. I knew the address and remembered the country landmarks to look for to find her house. However, when I was mapping it all out, my disaffection for everything routine kicked in; I decided to take a different route. Mapquest told me that it would get me there to the same place, and without paying for toll (bonus!). So I was all set. (So I thought...) What I didn't plan on was driving in freezing rain and ice with wind speeds that constantly made me question if I should stop the car to take cover in a ditch. Not to mention the "state highways" were not clearly marked and appeared more like a country road or something more residential. To top off the long cold wet drive, a fog started to creep in right as I came up to the unknown (to me) back way to my friend's house. Six or seven hours from the start, we arrived our destination. I was tired, I was grateful that we were there finally, but mostly I was frustrated with my stupid personality that told me that an already good plan needed to be completely redone. All of this trouble, risk, and time wasted because I thought doing something different would make me feel better somehow. I thought it would make the trip more exciting and less brain numbing. As I was traveling, I wished that I had left my brain numbing trip as it was.
I guess I could say the same about my faith. I took my focus off Christ because I felt neglected and unimportant to other believers, and ultimately to God as well. I felt like the Bible had become "old news". I sought out ways of creeping away from the world of holiness and things that would set me apart from the "world". I still wanted to have my "in" to what God wanted, but I also wanted my freedom to experience. I think it's fair to say now that I've created this spiritual fog. Now that a majority of me wants out of it, it's too late. I can't see past the end of my nose.
It's the new year, but it's still playing the same tune. Does a day that the calender resets mean that anything can?
"Cast all your cares on Him"
I don't think it is any big secret to tell you that I have been struggling with my faith lately. I don't even know why. There was no big tragedy that happened to me within the past year to spread doubt. I don't have any new "proof" against the faith to really speak of. On the contrary, I can easily ramble off the many different ways that God has intervened in my life and in the lives of those around me. Unexplainable circumstances that point me to believe in a loving and faithful God, who remains unseen but whose hand is seen in everything. Yet I still feel skeptical. My faith feels overcast, like it's stuck in a fog.
I was planning my route to spend some time with an old friend from college. Her and her family live roughly only 4 and half hours from us and we, as a family, had been over to visit a few times before. I knew the address and remembered the country landmarks to look for to find her house. However, when I was mapping it all out, my disaffection for everything routine kicked in; I decided to take a different route. Mapquest told me that it would get me there to the same place, and without paying for toll (bonus!). So I was all set. (So I thought...) What I didn't plan on was driving in freezing rain and ice with wind speeds that constantly made me question if I should stop the car to take cover in a ditch. Not to mention the "state highways" were not clearly marked and appeared more like a country road or something more residential. To top off the long cold wet drive, a fog started to creep in right as I came up to the unknown (to me) back way to my friend's house. Six or seven hours from the start, we arrived our destination. I was tired, I was grateful that we were there finally, but mostly I was frustrated with my stupid personality that told me that an already good plan needed to be completely redone. All of this trouble, risk, and time wasted because I thought doing something different would make me feel better somehow. I thought it would make the trip more exciting and less brain numbing. As I was traveling, I wished that I had left my brain numbing trip as it was.
I guess I could say the same about my faith. I took my focus off Christ because I felt neglected and unimportant to other believers, and ultimately to God as well. I felt like the Bible had become "old news". I sought out ways of creeping away from the world of holiness and things that would set me apart from the "world". I still wanted to have my "in" to what God wanted, but I also wanted my freedom to experience. I think it's fair to say now that I've created this spiritual fog. Now that a majority of me wants out of it, it's too late. I can't see past the end of my nose.
It's the new year, but it's still playing the same tune. Does a day that the calender resets mean that anything can?
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