Reheated

MMMmm Cold four hour old coffee. It really gets my heart pumping, let me tell ya.

I was considering my last post and I think I need to back the memory train up again ---just to give you more insight into my head.

I HAD considered by this point that there was something immoral about my imaginary life that I continuously returned to. Mainly because my friendship with Rosa had suffered because of it.
I knew that I had not been "present" to be a real friend to her. And that was certainly not a good definition of love.
I still had a hard time extinguishing notions that she did not ever desire something more of me. Even after reality had violently waved it in my face. But this failed relationship had prompted me to try to prevent this from happening again.

The fantasy barrier was one of respect, and that was how I rationalized it. I would only "fantasize" about movie scenes or related fictional characters from now on. That was my new rule, although I'm certain that I broke it from time to time.

I thought I could CHOOSE to be selective with my thoughts and it would be alright.


My mind was a safe place for me.
That makes me sound kind of childish I guess, but it's not that different. It was a habit I had made for myself. Possibly an escape originally. Now it was just security. It gave me a sense of familiarity. We all have our own ways of dealing with change. I had play after play of my memories behind eyes and would splice them and alter them as I saw fit.
My Mom used to walk into my room and catch me (look who's think'n dirty now). She would catch me talking to myself (fully clothed with my hands where you could see them ;) ). And she would ask me who I was talking to. My reply most of the time was "God". It sounded better than just me conversing all the time to myself and I figured that God was listening in no matter what sooo technically..... just kidding.

OK that was a tangent.

I am telling you all this because I want you to understand that for me to look into ANY scripture that might tell me I need to change who I am and tell me that I needed to somehow give this head life up FOR GOOD! What??!! I must have been insane. Giving up like that was terrifying. It would change my world. It would make me have to choose between God and myself. I knew who would lose that battle.

I looked at all kinds text, both old and new testaments. Not forgetting to double check with the original Greek and Hebrew texts. Word searches a plenty, I was going full speed and hardcore. I would not be satisfied until every stone was overturned and a conclusion was clear. Because an unclear conclusion would mean that either I missed something or the Bible was irrelevant to my life.

The main passage that I began to focus in on was from Romans 1:18-32.
(I will type it from the NIV after this post)

I'm not sure if I can stress enough that no one threw this Bible verse(s) at me. How would they? No one knew anything about this "issue" in my life.
You couldn't tell anymore (I made sure of that one). I had perfected my coolness and my femininity and I would not let myself be called "gay" or a man again. That was like painting a bright red target on my forehead. A permanent branding that would never wash off. This secret was between God and I and I wanted it to stay that way.