Innocence Again

"Blue skies and rainbows, sunbeams from heaven, are what I can see when, my lord is living in me."

The stormy weather today reminded me of this children's church hymn that I used to sing at the top of my lungs (to my older brother's annoyance, I'm sure).  And when most people think of thunderstorms, they think of rainbows as their calming reminder that there is an end to all bad weather.    Rainbows are nice, but I like sunbeams better.  Rays of sunlight breaking through the dark clouds and making everything in its path seem more alive with color than it ever had before.  These beams remind us not that the storm will soon be over, but that all the while darkness fills the sky, the sun is still there.  I think that as the winter months quickly approach us, we would do well to remember that fact.

Many of my childhood memories are so overshadowed with pain and self loathing, that I forget about the great kid I was.  I'm not trying to pat myself on the back with that, and yes, I did get into my share of trouble and detention at school.  But overall, my heart was pure and... well, innocent.
 I was always trying to do the "right thing" in every situation.  I knew early on that God saw everything and especially cared about what was inside my heart.  But knowing that did not scare me, because I wanted Him to know.  I found it comforting to believe that someone (even someone I could not see) could see inside and understand me.   We went on walks together after school.  When I spoke to Him sometimes, I would look in the mirror.  I felt so close to God and so comfortable with our relationship that those kind of oddities did not seem "odd" to me.  Life is simple for children.  At least for those of us that came after the great depression and child labor.  Besides school they eat, sleep and play with no concern for what will happen next.  I was an easy going person.  Even after I became a college loan leech, there was not much that got under my skin.  I took life at my own speed.  I think one of my roommates referred to that as "pokey".  I didn't want to rush because I wanted to take the time absorb the things around me.  I guess some people call that meditation. 
I call it observing.

I loved the outdoors.  So much to see and experience and nothing is ever routine.  I once made a spiritual connection between a leaf blowing across the street and my life journey with Christ.  Something that would possibly not make sense to anyone else but it meant something astounding to me.  David wrote in his psalms about how even the trees praise God, but I didn't believe him until I saw it for myself.  The leaves dancing in the breeze, it looks like a thousand hands clapping.  Observing things of nature has always been amazing to me.  But nothing compares to observing the behavior of the most intricately designed creature known as mankind.
People watching was a hobby of mine.  I never knew it had such a simple label until I heard others speak of the same "hobby" in their own life.  I would just sit wherever I had to be at the time, the mall, the park, the busy streets, school, or church.  It didn't matter, people were the most fascinating thing to see.  Why they say what they say, do what they do, why they where the clothes they wear, and who they are with and how they interact with one another...    I watched as an outsider, like an audience at a show.  They were all God's and I wondered if they knew that too. 

I was such a child.  And I was a good little girl for my Savior.  But no one noticed.  No one was observing me.   And I wondered why?

Countless times did the youth minister coach us on how to save a life and show them Christ.  I had listened and absorbed all that he said.  Internalizing it deep into my heart, making it bleed for a world torn apart and in need.  I looked on in jealousy as others in the group brought their friends in to be immersed with a decision to believe. Still, I was left empty with nothing to show for my faith but what I had brought from the start.
Seeds planted and seeds sown.  All that was fine, but to be ignored for my potential to serve became unnerving.  I questioned myself and then I questioned their leadership.

This made my vision swerve.

Looking at the other side of the fence, I could see people becoming successful in their careers.  I saw them fall in love and have fun at their parties.  I observed that they were noticed by their peers for being themselves without restrictions placed upon them.   And it made me wonder....why was I trying so hard to be a perfect servant to people that didn't care?   Soon after, that nagging thought started effecting my behavior.  I tried on smoking again.  (Something I had not done since sixth grade and then it had been only an act of public rebelliousness).  I tried out drinking and the bar scene.  I tried out a "new" language with F*#% as my go to.  Different movies, music, and browsing adult video stores...not much was left taboo to the new me.   And I felt no reason to apologize for any of it.

My conversations with God went from a constant stream to a dripping faucet.  I ran from the guilt that he would try to make me feel.  Who was he to make me feel that way??  He wasn't here living my life....

Questioning my belief in God never became part of that new behavior till I started to acknowledge how deeply deceived I was in my personal thoughts about others.  If I could be so dedicated to a belief in something that I had made every effort to NOT believe in (example: Rosa, Veronica, and Ben) then how could I trust my judgment on something so controversial as the Bible?    It didn't seem so black and white anymore.    I was running from my world that was crumbling and I didn't want to be made into an idiot again.


Now as I sit here downing my root beer,  instead of the hard liquor or real beer that I normally drink while writing, I can't help but think of the "me" I was before all this bitterness began.  Drew and I went to a street carnival while we were engaged (they were always popping up in our college town).  We were still both kids in big people clothes.  We loved amusement park rides and hassling the carnies at the money suckering booths.   As we got out of the car and walked up to the ticket booth, we discussed just how true this childlike fact was about our personalities, and how much we never wanted that to change.   We made a promise to one another that night.  A kind of pinky-swear, to never ever become an adult.  We swore to never mature away from the kid games, laughing at slap stick comedy (i.e. The Three Stooges), and/or enjoying a night of spontaneous gallivanting around the city.  We did not want to grow up in our hearts even if we knew we eventually had to with our bodies.

A few months back I asked my husband, Drew, a loaded question about myself and our relationship (loaded, because I wanted to answer the same question about him).  My plan to point out something that I wanted him to change about himself backfired on me when he told me about what I needed to change.  The question I asked was, "Have I changed a lot in myself since we were married?  Is there something you miss?"
Drew's reply was,"Yes, ....Well, you used to have more faith in God....and that's what I really loved about you."   His response to my question shocked me, but it shouldn't have.  I knew what he was saying was right.  What I hadn't realized, until just then, is that it had been so obvious to my spouse.  He had seen something beautiful and valuable in me when we met, and that something had been my devotion to Christ and the things of Christ....and... I had thrown that all away.  I had thrown it away because no one noticed me for it. 
For someone who didn't want to be an idiot again, I sure felt like one now.

And the rest of the song goes...

"And I know that, Jesus is well, and alive today.  He makes his home in my heart.  Never more will I fear, as long as he, has promised me that, he never will part." 

It's comforting to remember that last part, when you are like me and in desperate need of a second chance.  I wonder if it is possible, living in a world in which time continues forward and never backward, to recapture that seemingly naive hope that we had as children.  The dreams, the ambitions to accomplish things so much greater than ourselves?  Will they ever become real to us again?  To feel ideas are still attainable as possibilities for our future?   To slow down enough from my daily schedule and take a walk not just for exercise?  To watch the shapes in the clouds fly by?  To run through random sprinklers without feeling self-conscience and worrying about what others might think?    To feel free to tinker, play, and imagine?
Is it possible for a now maturing adult like me, to return to that kind of childlike innocence again?.....

 I think so.

Feeding the Monster

It is said...  Insanity is when someone preforms the same action over and over, and each time expecting a different result.

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I am guilty.
Like I am sure many others, I have thought that sometimes the best way of coping with a "problem" is containing it.  Just like a wild animal in a cage, if you want to keep it civil you must feed it what it likes.  Only this time, it will be on the keepers terms and not on the beast's.    The question is, "who is the keeper?" 


It's always difficult to pin point the beginning of habits.  Sometimes they become so ingrained that they are referred to as "second-nature".  But I believe that my lust for a sexual high (and things related) began with my laptop computer.  My husband had loaned it out to a friend so he could do his homework while traveling.  Many months after it was returned to us, I was doing a search through some old files and I proceeded to open up one that I did not recognize.  I can still remember exactly how it made me feel.  The feelings came out in stages.   First, confusion (What is that?  What's going on?)  Second, shock  (I know what that is...and look away.)  Then disbelief and soon after anger at the thoughtless guy that left it there.
It wasn't long after I announced my disgust to Drew, that my curiosity kicked in.  It's obvious that I knew all about sex by this point, but to the world of pornography, I was still a virgin.    After my angry rant, complaining to my spouse about his choice in friends, I approached the computer again to erase the file.  Before I erased it though I wanted to see it again.  The first time, I had not watched it very closely.  I wanted to see what the appeal was.
 I found it.

I couldn't stop thinking about it.  The images stayed in my head.  At first that frustrated me, and I just wanted to flush my brain of everything I had seen.  Then after the picture started to get fuzzier, I had to have another look. 

Drew and I had talked about the idea of going into a adult video store before, but it had been mainly just for kicks.  We giggled like little kids at some of the "toys" and misc. nic-nacs they sold.  I blushed at the video covers and tried hard not to make eye contact with anyone in the store.  We never actually bought anything.
After discussing the idea again, and seeing how it might help give a little more spice to our own relationship, we decided to give it another try.  This time we exited with a  porn video in hand.

The first few times we watched the video together, we made love and it seemed to add some excitement to our sexual relationship.   Then I began watching the video while Drew was away at work (this was before we had children).  I was careful to return it to the shelf in the closet just the way I found it, so that he would never know that I was watching it without him.
Suddenly, sex with my husband was unsatisfying to me.  So I started to replay events that I'd seen in the movie during the course of our love making.  I would pretend that we were in a different settings with different roles and even imagine him as a different man.

By the time that I realized that this was not a benefit to our relationship, it was too late.  I was hooked, and becoming increasingly selfish.

Under mutual decision, we threw the video in the garbage can.  Yet we were both still left with a craving that would never be satisfied within a monogamous marriage.

The Internet is less conspicuous then any triple X store.  I started out with simple searches, viewing whatever the pay per view sites would offer me without the use of a credit card.   I found ways to erase my "history" on the computer so that no one would ever see what I had been looking at.  I was always filled with shame and regret after each viewing session.  Then I would pray for forgiveness.  Sometimes I would even confess to Drew about my online actions.  Of course, I didn't know that he was doing some of the same things and not telling me.
As regretful as I was about what I had seen and done, it was not enough to keep me from returning to it again and again.
I learned that there were sites that offered links to free videos and pictures from other web pages.  That made viewing easier and quicker.
But it was never enough.  I always wanted more.
What had helped me to feel satisfied before was not good enough for the next time.  I started looking at less "traditional" sites because I was becoming sexually frustrated -  I sought out sites that featured things more hardcore such as threesomes, sex parties, and men with men.

I was out of control. 
I knew it and I pleaded with God for help to stop. 
But every time I would ask Him for help, I knew that I was not completely willing to give up yet.  I felt helpless and certain that I would end up begging Him to forgive me again soon.  I still tried to sound genuine, even knowing my reluctance would make it impossible to actually make a lasting change.  
I had to face it.  I was addicted to pornography.


Eventually, through prayer and accountability (and A lot of self-discipline in saying "NO") I broke free from the Internet lust.  But I was not free of the dependency that the sexual high held over me.


Sometime later....

My interactions with Veronica frustrated me.  I had never been interested in witnessing two women together while browsing through the sex sites.   And for the times that I had come in contact with that scene, it did not appeal to my taste.  (I had been more interested in the men.)   As my physical body started reacting more and more to Veronica in ways that I made me feel helpless to control, I went looking for an outlet.  God had failed to answer my prayers to take this type of desire away from me so I had to find a way of coping.   I thought I should find a "release" or an outlet so that I didn't end up making a really big mistake.     My eyes were opened by the super hyped cable television series called "The L Word".  All the scenarios seemed so ridiculous at first and all I could do was shake my head and laugh at what seemed like a script a man had written.  But the more I watched, the less shy I became about their unrealistic behavior.  I justified my actions by saying that I was "feeding my monster" so that he would not crave what he couldn't have.  This was my way to control my behavior around Veronica so I thought....
I was naive to not realize that I was just starting a new problem and one that was so very similar to the first. 

Now I know....
Feeding the monsters only makes them hungrier for more.

Give Me A Reason

"Losing faith in humanity one person at a time." -Bumper Sticker

The idea for this post came to me while watching an episode from the TV series "House".  Is there anyone more untrusting then the main character?  In the episode I recently saw, he was close to sounding just like another conspirator. Everyone is a liar in Dr. House's book.  More directly, everyone has a reason to lie to him. 

When I was still a newbie in college I had decided to share with everyone what I had discovered.  I proclaimed it to other girls in my dorm as if it was some great new revelation from heaven.  I had been doing some personal reflection and just some general deep thinking about life when I had stumbled upon the ultimate answer to all life's questions.  The answer was "Trust".
Our problems are all solved if we just trust God.

I went from room to room, friend to friend, stranger to stranger, telling them the news that I had discovered.   I was so excited about it.  It was like I had personally been brought down into the Jordan and that murky water had miraculously changed my vision forever.  It was all made simple and clear.
Trust, that was the key that unlocked everything.

That was close to ten years ago from now.  And now I laugh and shake my head at that seemingly naive person that I was back then.

I've always had issues with trust.  Trusting others was a big risk, but trusting myself could be even riskier.  Trusting in an unseen God can sometimes take more than a good imagination.  Trust has to be earned. 
In hindsight, God has an exceptional record with coming through with everything I need.  I would be hard pressed to point out a specific instance that He failed and did not come through for me.
I especially have witnessed this in areas of my own personal failure.  After I failed or quit trying,  He stepped in and picked up the slack.  The examples will seem small to others, but together they have impacted my life in very big ways.
Also, it does not take much for me to look around and see the many ways he has blessed me.  I dreamed it but I never thought it would actually happen, I have a husband and two children (a boy and a girl ~ exactly what I wanted).  We are proud owners of two vehicles, a big screen TV, and a mortgage.  I even have the privilege of staying home with my children till they are school age.  That's something that many mothers only dream of (including my own). 
So why?
 Even with so much proof in front of me, why is it still so hard to put my trust in God?

I used to pray for that perfect man for me.  In my journals I actually gave him a name, "Simon" because I had to refer to him so much, it just made it easier.  It also made it easier to focus in on "him" being just one man, and not just everyman.  In Bible College this turned into a big debate between me in a few of the professors.  I wholeheartedly believed that marriage was important enough to God that He had only one specific person in mind for each person to marry (assuming that they would marry at all).  That sounds like I'm a fatalist a little (I'm not), but so be it.
All the profs at the college endorsed each other using  "The Umbrella of God's Will" as their demographic/ blueprint.  In short  "The Umbrella" is a way of saying that there are dos and don'ts but for the rest of your decisions in life, you decide and as long as it falls under His "Umbrella" it's fine.  It is part of His will.  I understood the analogy.  But I believed that marriage was more than choosing a fish from the sea. 
How could I be trusted with a dire decision such as that?  I thought when I gave up my life to God, that meant that He was now driving me.  They all just laughed at me.  Each prof would smile and nod as if to pat me on the head and then shove me aside.  My arguments were not even worth their time.  They saw me as naive about my world.  I was a little child amongst spiritual giants.  What could I know about the will of God?

I struggled with this.  Knowing that my decisions always leave room for error, how could I be sure that I wasn't making a mistake? 

While Drew and I prepared for our wedding day, each day moving us closer, I prayed with every quite moment I had that this was what God wanted.  If it wasn't I asked that he would make it clear. 
I did question (in deep parts of my mind) whether this constant prayer and looking for a sign from God to call it off was actually a pretty good indicator itself.  But I wasn't trusting in my judgement anymore.

Drew and I never really dated.  We were never labeled boyfriend and girlfriend either.  Looking back, it kind of seems like we were pushed together (at least from my standpoint) by circumstance.
  We were just friends before our engagement.  I hold back even saying that we were "good" friends, because my memories of pre-engagement are full of my own personal frustration that Drew was not Ben (you might have to do some back reading to fully understand who Ben was to me). 
I was still in love with Ben when I met Drew.  I was still under the spell that Ben and I would be together at some point, and it was just a matter of patience...my patience.  I was just buying time with Drew, I told myself.  And I did not attempt to hide this fact from him.  Not a great start to any sort of relationship.

When I arrived at my wedding in the park.   I took a moment to clear my head.  I had planned this whole wedding and the day was flying by.  My parents had arrived and my past life living at home with them had been in full swing, including my Dad becoming outraged with me.  I knew that whether I was getting married or not, I would never go back to live in the same house with them again.  I wanted to be free of that life forever.
  In the car, I had my last chance talk with God.  This was the point of no return...not the vows or the rings..It was right here and I knew it.  But instead of the nervousness and anxiety that I had been feeling every night up to this point, I felt peace. 
I had only a naive clue of what was ahead for Drew and I, but I was willing to take that risk.  I was trusting God with every step believing that He knew something more about all this than I did.

I wanted out. 
It was barely into our first year and I was ready to throw everything away.  Not believing that divorce was a godly option in this case, I thought of others.  "Till death do we part" was ringing in my desperate ears.  "Till death", mine or his, there had to be a way to end my sadness. 

I blamed God for this.  I blamed my cursed self the most.  I knew who had made that choice.  I did.  It's not that Drew was a bad guy.  I just had not given myself enough space to know how I felt ...what I thought about him.  I was so busy worrying about what God wanted and how I would be reunited with Ben in the end that reality finally bit down hard.  There would be no more Ben.  Still I loved him like a first husband.  Drew was the friend that had listened to all my crazy stories that I so busy telling that I never gave too much thought to his stories.  I was waking up to realize that I had no idea who I had just married.

I was immersed into the church and into Christ when I was only seven.  I don't remember going into the water or what was said by the preacher before he took me under.  What I do remember is how much I shook after I came up. 
The ladies that helped me to get dressed commented about it and asked if I was cold.  I wasn't, but my teeth were chattering as if I were freezing. 

Not hardly a full day after my baptism, I was doubting.  I was practically jumping on furniture with questions full of doubt and calling them out to my Mother.  (Tom Cruise would've been proud.)
After answering many of my accusations and rants, calmly my Mom told me to stop and be still.  She hugged me till I stopped resisting.   Then holding my head in her hands so she could look into my eyes she said, "Kayt, this is Satan doing this."  Even at seven, that took me back.    My Mother hardly ever spoke of anything supernatural directly affecting our everyday life.  I knew this was serious.  I didn't know what Satan would want with me, or why he would waste his time on me like that, but I was not about to let him have any control.  I was calmer after that.

What does this have to do with trust? 
Giving my life to Christ and saying "I do" to my husband are the two biggest decisions that I ever made in my life.  Even though I thought myself adequately prepared and informed when I made them, to stay and not run from them was the real choice.   My trust in God was the glue that held my feet in place.

I have learned that I can't trust my own thoughts.  There is not much I can do about my feelings towards people and situations.  And sometimes my body reacts to these feelings involuntarily, that is not my fault.  But I have certainly fooled myself into believing more lies than I can count.  My pride hurts to even think about my foolishness and how I've been deceived over...and over.  Especially in knowing that it will soon happen again. 

I don't trust God to care about my desires.  I don't trust my husband to bring me happiness.  I don't trust my Dad to ever really get the help he needs.  I don't trust my friends to stick around after they hear all my "wicked" thoughts.  But the real conspiracy is inside me. 

I create worlds that don't exist....but to me they do.  How can I make that go away?  How will I make the distinctions between fact and fiction after I have believed the lie for so long?  Who can I trust to tell me what's real?   If not myself, is there anyone that really knows for sure?

It took Dr. House an entire two hour episode at a mental institution to get his head together.  His biggest obstacle, trust. 
Where will I find my cure?





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To My Readers:

     I apologize if this sounds like rambling.  It should be obvious that I have yet to fully comprehend the extent of what damage has been done to me.  ( referring to the child developmental process, Trust Vs. Mistrust).  My marriage is fine, not great, but I'm sure you will hear more about that later on.  Thanks for reading...

Six Pence None The Richer

This was the lullaby that I sang to both my babies ...when they were babies. It's a very simple song. It served as a good reminder for me to.

Forbidden Love: no more

I didn't have to be a fortune teller to know that it would come to this.  Every day that was spent together, was a day spent trying to figure out a way to run away from her.  I thought about not going to the group meetings anymore or even changing congregations, but I had ties with other people there and how would I begin to explain the reasons I had for abandoning them.  Anything short of the truth would be pretty close to a lie because I did not want to leave. 

Everyone knows that Christian folk act all funky around homosexual people.  And although I had begun to open up facts of my life to a few people, I still lived in fear that someday I would be "found out" and then ostracized at church. 

Veronica had suggested that we should go out for coffee together again.  We had done the breakfast thing a few times before.  Each time had gone similar to the last.  I would feel ill with some ailment the whole time we were together.  I had only agreed for this one last Starbucks meeting because the offer took me off guard.  It came after telling her about the book I had started to research and write.  The book is about caring, understanding, and loving homosexuals as people even if we do not agree with their actions.  I tried to pawn off the idea that it was not about me personally, but that I had friends that had sparked this desire to write this book.  Realistically, I was just trying to see what she would say or how she would react to my interest in that subject.  Veronica was shockingly supportive and had so many questions to ask me about the audience and the direction that I was taking with my research.   Before she dropped me off at my apartment, she asked me when we could do the "breakfast thing" again?    It was unusual for her to be so direct in asking me, let alone even ask it.  Most of the time it was me doing the asking, and her giving me a very vague "We'll see...I have to work a lot this week so....."  But even more curious to me was the timing of the suggestion.  I was taken back by it.  I was certain that she had to know by now just what I was.   And we made plans.

Again at home I was a wreck of thoughts and doubts swimming through my head.  ARRRG!  I couldn't take it anymore!  The games that my brain was playing on me were too much.  I found myself returning to the computer a lot when I would review past events in my mind.  Facebook was my only insiders view to her life without the worry of her seeing me.  I know that makes me sound like a stalker.  Mainly I would just review the facts that were already there about her.  I was looking for some hint, some clue that would tell me how to be able to "read" her.  Even with all the experiences she had told me about, I still felt lost as to her reactions to things and what they meant.  I was so confused. 
It had to stop.  I had to get her out of my head.  I needed a way to shut it off. 
I deleted her from my Facebook friends list. 

We still met for coffee.  It was already on the calendar. I was dreading it and ended up not being very good company.  She wanted to go somewhere around town after, but I told her that I just wanted to go home and cut our visit short.
I wasn't sure if she had noticed what I had done online yet or not.  But I wasn't looking forward to explaining my actions to her.

The facebook deletion was a good beginning, but certainly not an end to the problem in my head.
I would still see her at church and other gatherings.  I needed more.  I needed something definitive.  I wanted some kind of explanation of her actions.  This had all happened before with Rosa, and I had been left with questions forever unanswered.

I tried to make plans with Veronica for a short meeting to talk.  She returned my phone call and was pushing me to talk about it right then.  She didn't have to push very hard because of my desperation I was ready to just blurt it out.  I was an incoherent mess.  I knew it at the time, but my mouth just kept moving.   By the end the conversation:  I had inadvertently implied that I was stalking her on Facebook;  I managed to "out" myself (thinking she already knew.  She claimed she did not.); and even call her a bad friend. 

When I hung up the phone, I felt awful.  The whole thing was a giant disaster,  I had been a jerk (in more ways then one) and she had been clueless.  I later emailed Veronica a brutal apology, but I knew that it was over.  I had ended the friendship... before it had even started.

Our group didn't meet together anymore.  I haven't been to a Tupperware party since and although we still attend the same church,, it is big enough that we do not have to interact with each other unless we choose to.

I feel better about myself now.  I feel better about my interactions with family and friends.  My relationship with God has improved.   But I still missed out.  I can't escape the knowledge of that.

Forbidden Love: too good to be true

I'm not a quitter.

Reality had been smeared.  There was nothing I could do about that now.  But I didn't want to let it go.  I didn't want to let go of what might have been a really great friendship. 

Veronica was funny with her adolescent humor (by that I mean, she made "dirty" jokes out of everyday things).  On top of her gorgeousness she had an elegance about her, noticeable in both her personality and poise.  Even as a friend, I felt somewhat out of place with her next to me.  What would she want with someone like me anyway?
I found out that her Mom and Dad hired a maid for all their household cleaning.  I thought to myself, "Well, that figures..."
It all just seemed to make sense.  Her husband and kids were all wonderful.  Her house and neighborhood all wonderful.  Her sense of style, very classy.  It seemed that the only thing that didn't fit was her interest in me. 

I lived in an apartment complex in a neighborhood known for theft and murder.  My husband, although a very respectable job that pays well enough that I don't have to work, is still a manager in retail.
I have yet to finish my degree.  Our cars are both over 10 yrs old.  I don't buy and wear designer clothes, and, of course, I mentioned my issue with weight at this time.
Did she just feel sorry for me?

Over many months we chatted online through email and instant messages.  I found that I could communicate better through any means that did not directly involve us speaking face to face.  When we met up with groups or friends, she would always ask if she could come sit with me.  I thought the asking part was weird, but the following me around became even more noticeable (to me) when I purposely found a room where no one else was to sit down and eat my plate of snacks.  She followed in behind me leaving the others in the crowd to come and find her.  So whether I understood her reasoning or not, it was becoming clearer that she wanted to be friends with me. 

I want to make it clear.  I didn't believe that she was ever better than me or "too good".  I did believe that it would make more sense with her personality and taste in people and in things she owned for her to see it that way though.

They say, "It takes one to know one" and I thought that was happening to me now.  I started seeing more and more questionable behavior from Veronica.  The more I saw the more I looked for it.  Even to the point of becoming obsessed with instant replay in my mind of events that occurred involving her and I. 
(I have no interest in replaying them anymore so I will not list the so called "questionable behavior" except for story purposes.)
When I was in my right mind, I knew what I was thinking and feeling was wrong.  All the questions that I had about her actions could be written off to her personality.  I just didn't want it to be that simple. 

Most of the ways she contributed to these ideas in my head were in the things she didn't do.  The things that she didn't say.  Actions that I thought would be common place between friends. 

With every meeting between us, I had a crash to follow.  Again face first to the floor my fingers digging into my hair just trying to wrap my brain around the truth.  I felt like it was unstoppable.  I just wanted to stop thinking about it.  I wanted to stop thinking about her.
It had a hold on me and liked to hold it over me when I was with her.  The torment of trying to keep my feelings at bay was so real that I could feel myself becoming physically ill while we were together. 

All of my emotions made it increasingly difficult to look her in the eyes.  I was afraid that she would see.  I was afraid she would know just what I was, and what I was going through. 
But I didn't want to give up on us.  To me that meant failure as a new reborn woman that Christ had made me.  I thought that if I could just make this work out for the good then I would be free of the power that my past had carried with it.  Giving up would mean the opposite.  I could not keep running away from attractive women like I was a man.  That would hang over my head as a constant reminder that I would forever be weird.  I would forever have to be distant from everyone just to hide myself from them.
I don't want to live like that.

I needed a plan.

In the past, I would be able to suppress feelings and thoughts toward another woman if we were close.  I would have respect for them in that way.  Veronica kept me close but then also at a noticeable distance.  When she would get up to go get more coffee she would ask me to come along.  When her husband was involved in a ministry position at church that kept him from sitting in Sunday service, she would ask me to join her.  When we car pool together,  there would always be an extra 20 or 30 minutes of conversation in the parking lot.  Sometimes more.   But she would never be too personal.  She shared about: her family a little; her in laws a little; her life before kids a little; and her life now...a little. 
Veronica would never call me unless she was calling me back about something.  About this I had said to her that if she didn't want me to call her, because I understand that some people are not "phone conversationalist", that I would stop using her number.  She made it a point to make it clear to me that she wanted me to keep calling her.

Veronica asks me this question a few times that really stuck out to me.  She wondered, "Do you think we would have been friends in High School?"  I didn't know what to say.  My feelings for her seemed so similar to what I'd felt for Rosa then.  And looking back I knew Rosa and I were never close friends.  I was never sure what we were.  My mind had become Swiss cheese with integrated memories from my fantasies and what was really happening around me.  I was afraid that the same was happening here with Veronica.   ....and there seemed to be nothing I could do to stop it. 

The fight was over.
I was starting to slip up:  plotting ways to be alone with her;  trying to get her undivided attention;  hoping that she felt the same pull for me.  It was increasingly becoming obsessive.  Deep down I was scared of me.


It was time to pull the plug.

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(Next post will be up early.  Look for the end to this Forbidden Love on Friday afternoon.)