Feeding the Monster

It is said...  Insanity is when someone preforms the same action over and over, and each time expecting a different result.

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I am guilty.
Like I am sure many others, I have thought that sometimes the best way of coping with a "problem" is containing it.  Just like a wild animal in a cage, if you want to keep it civil you must feed it what it likes.  Only this time, it will be on the keepers terms and not on the beast's.    The question is, "who is the keeper?" 


It's always difficult to pin point the beginning of habits.  Sometimes they become so ingrained that they are referred to as "second-nature".  But I believe that my lust for a sexual high (and things related) began with my laptop computer.  My husband had loaned it out to a friend so he could do his homework while traveling.  Many months after it was returned to us, I was doing a search through some old files and I proceeded to open up one that I did not recognize.  I can still remember exactly how it made me feel.  The feelings came out in stages.   First, confusion (What is that?  What's going on?)  Second, shock  (I know what that is...and look away.)  Then disbelief and soon after anger at the thoughtless guy that left it there.
It wasn't long after I announced my disgust to Drew, that my curiosity kicked in.  It's obvious that I knew all about sex by this point, but to the world of pornography, I was still a virgin.    After my angry rant, complaining to my spouse about his choice in friends, I approached the computer again to erase the file.  Before I erased it though I wanted to see it again.  The first time, I had not watched it very closely.  I wanted to see what the appeal was.
 I found it.

I couldn't stop thinking about it.  The images stayed in my head.  At first that frustrated me, and I just wanted to flush my brain of everything I had seen.  Then after the picture started to get fuzzier, I had to have another look. 

Drew and I had talked about the idea of going into a adult video store before, but it had been mainly just for kicks.  We giggled like little kids at some of the "toys" and misc. nic-nacs they sold.  I blushed at the video covers and tried hard not to make eye contact with anyone in the store.  We never actually bought anything.
After discussing the idea again, and seeing how it might help give a little more spice to our own relationship, we decided to give it another try.  This time we exited with a  porn video in hand.

The first few times we watched the video together, we made love and it seemed to add some excitement to our sexual relationship.   Then I began watching the video while Drew was away at work (this was before we had children).  I was careful to return it to the shelf in the closet just the way I found it, so that he would never know that I was watching it without him.
Suddenly, sex with my husband was unsatisfying to me.  So I started to replay events that I'd seen in the movie during the course of our love making.  I would pretend that we were in a different settings with different roles and even imagine him as a different man.

By the time that I realized that this was not a benefit to our relationship, it was too late.  I was hooked, and becoming increasingly selfish.

Under mutual decision, we threw the video in the garbage can.  Yet we were both still left with a craving that would never be satisfied within a monogamous marriage.

The Internet is less conspicuous then any triple X store.  I started out with simple searches, viewing whatever the pay per view sites would offer me without the use of a credit card.   I found ways to erase my "history" on the computer so that no one would ever see what I had been looking at.  I was always filled with shame and regret after each viewing session.  Then I would pray for forgiveness.  Sometimes I would even confess to Drew about my online actions.  Of course, I didn't know that he was doing some of the same things and not telling me.
As regretful as I was about what I had seen and done, it was not enough to keep me from returning to it again and again.
I learned that there were sites that offered links to free videos and pictures from other web pages.  That made viewing easier and quicker.
But it was never enough.  I always wanted more.
What had helped me to feel satisfied before was not good enough for the next time.  I started looking at less "traditional" sites because I was becoming sexually frustrated -  I sought out sites that featured things more hardcore such as threesomes, sex parties, and men with men.

I was out of control. 
I knew it and I pleaded with God for help to stop. 
But every time I would ask Him for help, I knew that I was not completely willing to give up yet.  I felt helpless and certain that I would end up begging Him to forgive me again soon.  I still tried to sound genuine, even knowing my reluctance would make it impossible to actually make a lasting change.  
I had to face it.  I was addicted to pornography.


Eventually, through prayer and accountability (and A lot of self-discipline in saying "NO") I broke free from the Internet lust.  But I was not free of the dependency that the sexual high held over me.


Sometime later....

My interactions with Veronica frustrated me.  I had never been interested in witnessing two women together while browsing through the sex sites.   And for the times that I had come in contact with that scene, it did not appeal to my taste.  (I had been more interested in the men.)   As my physical body started reacting more and more to Veronica in ways that I made me feel helpless to control, I went looking for an outlet.  God had failed to answer my prayers to take this type of desire away from me so I had to find a way of coping.   I thought I should find a "release" or an outlet so that I didn't end up making a really big mistake.     My eyes were opened by the super hyped cable television series called "The L Word".  All the scenarios seemed so ridiculous at first and all I could do was shake my head and laugh at what seemed like a script a man had written.  But the more I watched, the less shy I became about their unrealistic behavior.  I justified my actions by saying that I was "feeding my monster" so that he would not crave what he couldn't have.  This was my way to control my behavior around Veronica so I thought....
I was naive to not realize that I was just starting a new problem and one that was so very similar to the first. 

Now I know....
Feeding the monsters only makes them hungrier for more.