Innocence Again

"Blue skies and rainbows, sunbeams from heaven, are what I can see when, my lord is living in me."

The stormy weather today reminded me of this children's church hymn that I used to sing at the top of my lungs (to my older brother's annoyance, I'm sure).  And when most people think of thunderstorms, they think of rainbows as their calming reminder that there is an end to all bad weather.    Rainbows are nice, but I like sunbeams better.  Rays of sunlight breaking through the dark clouds and making everything in its path seem more alive with color than it ever had before.  These beams remind us not that the storm will soon be over, but that all the while darkness fills the sky, the sun is still there.  I think that as the winter months quickly approach us, we would do well to remember that fact.

Many of my childhood memories are so overshadowed with pain and self loathing, that I forget about the great kid I was.  I'm not trying to pat myself on the back with that, and yes, I did get into my share of trouble and detention at school.  But overall, my heart was pure and... well, innocent.
 I was always trying to do the "right thing" in every situation.  I knew early on that God saw everything and especially cared about what was inside my heart.  But knowing that did not scare me, because I wanted Him to know.  I found it comforting to believe that someone (even someone I could not see) could see inside and understand me.   We went on walks together after school.  When I spoke to Him sometimes, I would look in the mirror.  I felt so close to God and so comfortable with our relationship that those kind of oddities did not seem "odd" to me.  Life is simple for children.  At least for those of us that came after the great depression and child labor.  Besides school they eat, sleep and play with no concern for what will happen next.  I was an easy going person.  Even after I became a college loan leech, there was not much that got under my skin.  I took life at my own speed.  I think one of my roommates referred to that as "pokey".  I didn't want to rush because I wanted to take the time absorb the things around me.  I guess some people call that meditation. 
I call it observing.

I loved the outdoors.  So much to see and experience and nothing is ever routine.  I once made a spiritual connection between a leaf blowing across the street and my life journey with Christ.  Something that would possibly not make sense to anyone else but it meant something astounding to me.  David wrote in his psalms about how even the trees praise God, but I didn't believe him until I saw it for myself.  The leaves dancing in the breeze, it looks like a thousand hands clapping.  Observing things of nature has always been amazing to me.  But nothing compares to observing the behavior of the most intricately designed creature known as mankind.
People watching was a hobby of mine.  I never knew it had such a simple label until I heard others speak of the same "hobby" in their own life.  I would just sit wherever I had to be at the time, the mall, the park, the busy streets, school, or church.  It didn't matter, people were the most fascinating thing to see.  Why they say what they say, do what they do, why they where the clothes they wear, and who they are with and how they interact with one another...    I watched as an outsider, like an audience at a show.  They were all God's and I wondered if they knew that too. 

I was such a child.  And I was a good little girl for my Savior.  But no one noticed.  No one was observing me.   And I wondered why?

Countless times did the youth minister coach us on how to save a life and show them Christ.  I had listened and absorbed all that he said.  Internalizing it deep into my heart, making it bleed for a world torn apart and in need.  I looked on in jealousy as others in the group brought their friends in to be immersed with a decision to believe. Still, I was left empty with nothing to show for my faith but what I had brought from the start.
Seeds planted and seeds sown.  All that was fine, but to be ignored for my potential to serve became unnerving.  I questioned myself and then I questioned their leadership.

This made my vision swerve.

Looking at the other side of the fence, I could see people becoming successful in their careers.  I saw them fall in love and have fun at their parties.  I observed that they were noticed by their peers for being themselves without restrictions placed upon them.   And it made me wonder....why was I trying so hard to be a perfect servant to people that didn't care?   Soon after, that nagging thought started effecting my behavior.  I tried on smoking again.  (Something I had not done since sixth grade and then it had been only an act of public rebelliousness).  I tried out drinking and the bar scene.  I tried out a "new" language with F*#% as my go to.  Different movies, music, and browsing adult video stores...not much was left taboo to the new me.   And I felt no reason to apologize for any of it.

My conversations with God went from a constant stream to a dripping faucet.  I ran from the guilt that he would try to make me feel.  Who was he to make me feel that way??  He wasn't here living my life....

Questioning my belief in God never became part of that new behavior till I started to acknowledge how deeply deceived I was in my personal thoughts about others.  If I could be so dedicated to a belief in something that I had made every effort to NOT believe in (example: Rosa, Veronica, and Ben) then how could I trust my judgment on something so controversial as the Bible?    It didn't seem so black and white anymore.    I was running from my world that was crumbling and I didn't want to be made into an idiot again.


Now as I sit here downing my root beer,  instead of the hard liquor or real beer that I normally drink while writing, I can't help but think of the "me" I was before all this bitterness began.  Drew and I went to a street carnival while we were engaged (they were always popping up in our college town).  We were still both kids in big people clothes.  We loved amusement park rides and hassling the carnies at the money suckering booths.   As we got out of the car and walked up to the ticket booth, we discussed just how true this childlike fact was about our personalities, and how much we never wanted that to change.   We made a promise to one another that night.  A kind of pinky-swear, to never ever become an adult.  We swore to never mature away from the kid games, laughing at slap stick comedy (i.e. The Three Stooges), and/or enjoying a night of spontaneous gallivanting around the city.  We did not want to grow up in our hearts even if we knew we eventually had to with our bodies.

A few months back I asked my husband, Drew, a loaded question about myself and our relationship (loaded, because I wanted to answer the same question about him).  My plan to point out something that I wanted him to change about himself backfired on me when he told me about what I needed to change.  The question I asked was, "Have I changed a lot in myself since we were married?  Is there something you miss?"
Drew's reply was,"Yes, ....Well, you used to have more faith in God....and that's what I really loved about you."   His response to my question shocked me, but it shouldn't have.  I knew what he was saying was right.  What I hadn't realized, until just then, is that it had been so obvious to my spouse.  He had seen something beautiful and valuable in me when we met, and that something had been my devotion to Christ and the things of Christ....and... I had thrown that all away.  I had thrown it away because no one noticed me for it. 
For someone who didn't want to be an idiot again, I sure felt like one now.

And the rest of the song goes...

"And I know that, Jesus is well, and alive today.  He makes his home in my heart.  Never more will I fear, as long as he, has promised me that, he never will part." 

It's comforting to remember that last part, when you are like me and in desperate need of a second chance.  I wonder if it is possible, living in a world in which time continues forward and never backward, to recapture that seemingly naive hope that we had as children.  The dreams, the ambitions to accomplish things so much greater than ourselves?  Will they ever become real to us again?  To feel ideas are still attainable as possibilities for our future?   To slow down enough from my daily schedule and take a walk not just for exercise?  To watch the shapes in the clouds fly by?  To run through random sprinklers without feeling self-conscience and worrying about what others might think?    To feel free to tinker, play, and imagine?
Is it possible for a now maturing adult like me, to return to that kind of childlike innocence again?.....

 I think so.