Forbidden Love: no more

I didn't have to be a fortune teller to know that it would come to this.  Every day that was spent together, was a day spent trying to figure out a way to run away from her.  I thought about not going to the group meetings anymore or even changing congregations, but I had ties with other people there and how would I begin to explain the reasons I had for abandoning them.  Anything short of the truth would be pretty close to a lie because I did not want to leave. 

Everyone knows that Christian folk act all funky around homosexual people.  And although I had begun to open up facts of my life to a few people, I still lived in fear that someday I would be "found out" and then ostracized at church. 

Veronica had suggested that we should go out for coffee together again.  We had done the breakfast thing a few times before.  Each time had gone similar to the last.  I would feel ill with some ailment the whole time we were together.  I had only agreed for this one last Starbucks meeting because the offer took me off guard.  It came after telling her about the book I had started to research and write.  The book is about caring, understanding, and loving homosexuals as people even if we do not agree with their actions.  I tried to pawn off the idea that it was not about me personally, but that I had friends that had sparked this desire to write this book.  Realistically, I was just trying to see what she would say or how she would react to my interest in that subject.  Veronica was shockingly supportive and had so many questions to ask me about the audience and the direction that I was taking with my research.   Before she dropped me off at my apartment, she asked me when we could do the "breakfast thing" again?    It was unusual for her to be so direct in asking me, let alone even ask it.  Most of the time it was me doing the asking, and her giving me a very vague "We'll see...I have to work a lot this week so....."  But even more curious to me was the timing of the suggestion.  I was taken back by it.  I was certain that she had to know by now just what I was.   And we made plans.

Again at home I was a wreck of thoughts and doubts swimming through my head.  ARRRG!  I couldn't take it anymore!  The games that my brain was playing on me were too much.  I found myself returning to the computer a lot when I would review past events in my mind.  Facebook was my only insiders view to her life without the worry of her seeing me.  I know that makes me sound like a stalker.  Mainly I would just review the facts that were already there about her.  I was looking for some hint, some clue that would tell me how to be able to "read" her.  Even with all the experiences she had told me about, I still felt lost as to her reactions to things and what they meant.  I was so confused. 
It had to stop.  I had to get her out of my head.  I needed a way to shut it off. 
I deleted her from my Facebook friends list. 

We still met for coffee.  It was already on the calendar. I was dreading it and ended up not being very good company.  She wanted to go somewhere around town after, but I told her that I just wanted to go home and cut our visit short.
I wasn't sure if she had noticed what I had done online yet or not.  But I wasn't looking forward to explaining my actions to her.

The facebook deletion was a good beginning, but certainly not an end to the problem in my head.
I would still see her at church and other gatherings.  I needed more.  I needed something definitive.  I wanted some kind of explanation of her actions.  This had all happened before with Rosa, and I had been left with questions forever unanswered.

I tried to make plans with Veronica for a short meeting to talk.  She returned my phone call and was pushing me to talk about it right then.  She didn't have to push very hard because of my desperation I was ready to just blurt it out.  I was an incoherent mess.  I knew it at the time, but my mouth just kept moving.   By the end the conversation:  I had inadvertently implied that I was stalking her on Facebook;  I managed to "out" myself (thinking she already knew.  She claimed she did not.); and even call her a bad friend. 

When I hung up the phone, I felt awful.  The whole thing was a giant disaster,  I had been a jerk (in more ways then one) and she had been clueless.  I later emailed Veronica a brutal apology, but I knew that it was over.  I had ended the friendship... before it had even started.

Our group didn't meet together anymore.  I haven't been to a Tupperware party since and although we still attend the same church,, it is big enough that we do not have to interact with each other unless we choose to.

I feel better about myself now.  I feel better about my interactions with family and friends.  My relationship with God has improved.   But I still missed out.  I can't escape the knowledge of that.