Give Me A Reason

"Losing faith in humanity one person at a time." -Bumper Sticker

The idea for this post came to me while watching an episode from the TV series "House".  Is there anyone more untrusting then the main character?  In the episode I recently saw, he was close to sounding just like another conspirator. Everyone is a liar in Dr. House's book.  More directly, everyone has a reason to lie to him. 

When I was still a newbie in college I had decided to share with everyone what I had discovered.  I proclaimed it to other girls in my dorm as if it was some great new revelation from heaven.  I had been doing some personal reflection and just some general deep thinking about life when I had stumbled upon the ultimate answer to all life's questions.  The answer was "Trust".
Our problems are all solved if we just trust God.

I went from room to room, friend to friend, stranger to stranger, telling them the news that I had discovered.   I was so excited about it.  It was like I had personally been brought down into the Jordan and that murky water had miraculously changed my vision forever.  It was all made simple and clear.
Trust, that was the key that unlocked everything.

That was close to ten years ago from now.  And now I laugh and shake my head at that seemingly naive person that I was back then.

I've always had issues with trust.  Trusting others was a big risk, but trusting myself could be even riskier.  Trusting in an unseen God can sometimes take more than a good imagination.  Trust has to be earned. 
In hindsight, God has an exceptional record with coming through with everything I need.  I would be hard pressed to point out a specific instance that He failed and did not come through for me.
I especially have witnessed this in areas of my own personal failure.  After I failed or quit trying,  He stepped in and picked up the slack.  The examples will seem small to others, but together they have impacted my life in very big ways.
Also, it does not take much for me to look around and see the many ways he has blessed me.  I dreamed it but I never thought it would actually happen, I have a husband and two children (a boy and a girl ~ exactly what I wanted).  We are proud owners of two vehicles, a big screen TV, and a mortgage.  I even have the privilege of staying home with my children till they are school age.  That's something that many mothers only dream of (including my own). 
So why?
 Even with so much proof in front of me, why is it still so hard to put my trust in God?

I used to pray for that perfect man for me.  In my journals I actually gave him a name, "Simon" because I had to refer to him so much, it just made it easier.  It also made it easier to focus in on "him" being just one man, and not just everyman.  In Bible College this turned into a big debate between me in a few of the professors.  I wholeheartedly believed that marriage was important enough to God that He had only one specific person in mind for each person to marry (assuming that they would marry at all).  That sounds like I'm a fatalist a little (I'm not), but so be it.
All the profs at the college endorsed each other using  "The Umbrella of God's Will" as their demographic/ blueprint.  In short  "The Umbrella" is a way of saying that there are dos and don'ts but for the rest of your decisions in life, you decide and as long as it falls under His "Umbrella" it's fine.  It is part of His will.  I understood the analogy.  But I believed that marriage was more than choosing a fish from the sea. 
How could I be trusted with a dire decision such as that?  I thought when I gave up my life to God, that meant that He was now driving me.  They all just laughed at me.  Each prof would smile and nod as if to pat me on the head and then shove me aside.  My arguments were not even worth their time.  They saw me as naive about my world.  I was a little child amongst spiritual giants.  What could I know about the will of God?

I struggled with this.  Knowing that my decisions always leave room for error, how could I be sure that I wasn't making a mistake? 

While Drew and I prepared for our wedding day, each day moving us closer, I prayed with every quite moment I had that this was what God wanted.  If it wasn't I asked that he would make it clear. 
I did question (in deep parts of my mind) whether this constant prayer and looking for a sign from God to call it off was actually a pretty good indicator itself.  But I wasn't trusting in my judgement anymore.

Drew and I never really dated.  We were never labeled boyfriend and girlfriend either.  Looking back, it kind of seems like we were pushed together (at least from my standpoint) by circumstance.
  We were just friends before our engagement.  I hold back even saying that we were "good" friends, because my memories of pre-engagement are full of my own personal frustration that Drew was not Ben (you might have to do some back reading to fully understand who Ben was to me). 
I was still in love with Ben when I met Drew.  I was still under the spell that Ben and I would be together at some point, and it was just a matter of patience...my patience.  I was just buying time with Drew, I told myself.  And I did not attempt to hide this fact from him.  Not a great start to any sort of relationship.

When I arrived at my wedding in the park.   I took a moment to clear my head.  I had planned this whole wedding and the day was flying by.  My parents had arrived and my past life living at home with them had been in full swing, including my Dad becoming outraged with me.  I knew that whether I was getting married or not, I would never go back to live in the same house with them again.  I wanted to be free of that life forever.
  In the car, I had my last chance talk with God.  This was the point of no return...not the vows or the rings..It was right here and I knew it.  But instead of the nervousness and anxiety that I had been feeling every night up to this point, I felt peace. 
I had only a naive clue of what was ahead for Drew and I, but I was willing to take that risk.  I was trusting God with every step believing that He knew something more about all this than I did.

I wanted out. 
It was barely into our first year and I was ready to throw everything away.  Not believing that divorce was a godly option in this case, I thought of others.  "Till death do we part" was ringing in my desperate ears.  "Till death", mine or his, there had to be a way to end my sadness. 

I blamed God for this.  I blamed my cursed self the most.  I knew who had made that choice.  I did.  It's not that Drew was a bad guy.  I just had not given myself enough space to know how I felt ...what I thought about him.  I was so busy worrying about what God wanted and how I would be reunited with Ben in the end that reality finally bit down hard.  There would be no more Ben.  Still I loved him like a first husband.  Drew was the friend that had listened to all my crazy stories that I so busy telling that I never gave too much thought to his stories.  I was waking up to realize that I had no idea who I had just married.

I was immersed into the church and into Christ when I was only seven.  I don't remember going into the water or what was said by the preacher before he took me under.  What I do remember is how much I shook after I came up. 
The ladies that helped me to get dressed commented about it and asked if I was cold.  I wasn't, but my teeth were chattering as if I were freezing. 

Not hardly a full day after my baptism, I was doubting.  I was practically jumping on furniture with questions full of doubt and calling them out to my Mother.  (Tom Cruise would've been proud.)
After answering many of my accusations and rants, calmly my Mom told me to stop and be still.  She hugged me till I stopped resisting.   Then holding my head in her hands so she could look into my eyes she said, "Kayt, this is Satan doing this."  Even at seven, that took me back.    My Mother hardly ever spoke of anything supernatural directly affecting our everyday life.  I knew this was serious.  I didn't know what Satan would want with me, or why he would waste his time on me like that, but I was not about to let him have any control.  I was calmer after that.

What does this have to do with trust? 
Giving my life to Christ and saying "I do" to my husband are the two biggest decisions that I ever made in my life.  Even though I thought myself adequately prepared and informed when I made them, to stay and not run from them was the real choice.   My trust in God was the glue that held my feet in place.

I have learned that I can't trust my own thoughts.  There is not much I can do about my feelings towards people and situations.  And sometimes my body reacts to these feelings involuntarily, that is not my fault.  But I have certainly fooled myself into believing more lies than I can count.  My pride hurts to even think about my foolishness and how I've been deceived over...and over.  Especially in knowing that it will soon happen again. 

I don't trust God to care about my desires.  I don't trust my husband to bring me happiness.  I don't trust my Dad to ever really get the help he needs.  I don't trust my friends to stick around after they hear all my "wicked" thoughts.  But the real conspiracy is inside me. 

I create worlds that don't exist....but to me they do.  How can I make that go away?  How will I make the distinctions between fact and fiction after I have believed the lie for so long?  Who can I trust to tell me what's real?   If not myself, is there anyone that really knows for sure?

It took Dr. House an entire two hour episode at a mental institution to get his head together.  His biggest obstacle, trust. 
Where will I find my cure?





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To My Readers:

     I apologize if this sounds like rambling.  It should be obvious that I have yet to fully comprehend the extent of what damage has been done to me.  ( referring to the child developmental process, Trust Vs. Mistrust).  My marriage is fine, not great, but I'm sure you will hear more about that later on.  Thanks for reading...