Just Another Day

So many events have happened since I last wrote.  My son, an 8 year old, was almost kicked out of school.  My daughter, less than 8, was caught dressing inappropriately at church -Luckily it was by her parents and no one else.  I chose to reach out to a professional about a problem with temptation that I was facing almost everyday at work.  Dependence on God has been at an all time high in my marriage, in my bank account, and with my extended family issues.  And the list goes on...

But today during some downtime at work, I wrote this:

Dear God, 

(I actually started this prayer by calling God,  "a sly dog", - My actual words were, "Oh, you sly dog."  However, in rethinking my words, I realize that was impulsive and could be considered disrespectful by others....I'm sure God had a chuckle though.")

Here I sit feeling not anxious - not really worried either.  

I guess the best way to explain it would be, ungrounded or ...

disordered? 

I feel like a nomad or gypsy, never sure of what will happen next.  Yet always knowing ....

I will still be here.  I will still be alive.  

You like it that way though.

You like me depending on you more than what I have done or am doing.  

More than being thankful for the blessings, you like me to be waiting on you, and to always remember just where all blessings stem from.

You want me to rely on you.

You desire my dependence more than my happiness.

How unlike a human parent that is.  

When all of the other comparisons seem to work.  

You are the parent that never wants to let go.   

And we are the child that could never out grow our need for you. 

Answers

42.


This title "Answers", implies that I have some, when in fact, I just have conclusions..  But as you can see from the example of "42", a valid conclusion might be more valuable than an actual answer.

After all, we aren't solving for "y" here.  The big question is can a "gay" person still be a "saved" person?
Or to put it differently, "Can you be gay and still be a Christian?"

My conclusion is "Yes."

I know some of you are scratching your heads, and even more of you are shaking your heads, but I challenge you and your convictions/morals/principles to finish what we started last month, and hear me out.  I promise, I'm not trying to get in your head and brainwash you.  It was not that long ago that I was sitting where you are today, ready to change the channel.  But I need you to hold on for a little while and listen, because what I have to say is not just from me, but God's spirit that lives in me,  Test it and see that these things I'm about to tell you are true and valuable.

First off, we talked a little about the definition of "gay" last time, and how the Christian definition of "Homosexuality" verses the world's term "gay", do not match to mean the same.  "Gay" meaning a person who is a certain way, and a "homosexual" meaning a person who does a certain action.

All of this seems very technical, but it isn't.  The fact is, whether we want to admit to it or not, we all label people "gay" or "homosexual" the same way.  (When I say, "we" I mean Christians.)  Example: If you walk into your local Wal-Mart and there's a male greeter there that has a particular inflection in his voice when he says, "Hello, welcome!" or "Have a good day."  Or perhaps it's the ear studs, or the obviously dyed hair that he has given extra care to.  All of these characteristics are stereo types, and yet, without much hesitation you have formed an opinion about this man.  You believe him to be "gay".
So I ask you, was he engaging in a romantic action involving another male?  No, of course not.  He was a door greeter at Wal-Mart (surprisingly) doing his job.  It's even possible that if your assumptions under the world's definition of the word "gay" is actually correct, He might still be a virgin.  Maybe not even been out on a date with anyone, male or female, ever before.  But still you have written this man off, and so condemned him with just a thought.

 7If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’^a you would not have condemned the innocent.  -Matt 12 (NIV)

We frown on the whole West Boro Church and their "God Hates Fags" message.  They are the fanatics and we are more civil than that in our assessment.  Actually, we would not even compare ourselves to them, because doing what we ought, we say, "We love everyone just as God loves everyone and tells us to...(that's right!) love everyone."   I agree that "loving" someone does not mean that you agree with everything they do, or that you would even wish (or have to) be their friend.  Although, thinking someone is doomed to hell, even before you really know them, seems pretty close to our fanatic friends message.  Almost like saying, "God loves you.  I love you.  But you're still gonna fry someday."  I guess, saying "God hates Fags" just saves on lettering.  Oh and we support our troops... (that's a topic for another day).

The point is we are all guilty in this.  And yet we feel justified in our judgement even when someone points it out to us,  How many times have we all heard, "Sin is sin. They are all the same." but we don't live that way, do we?  We don't even think that way.  Our words don't match our thoughts at all, and I know this is true because we let the sin that is in our own life slide.  But if someone treats me bad or murders or kidnaps or steals or rapes  -nope, they are worse than me.  Paul the apostle admitted to himself, God, and others in and out of the church that he was the "worst" (1Tim 1:15-16).  There have been some that try to discredit the Epistles because of this, but the church as a whole continues to believe that the epistles are to be considered as much God's word, as anything else that has been canonized within the Bible.  I'm sure that there are some that even rattle off those words that Paul wrote about himself while having a moment of clarity and spirit-filled conviction thinking to themselves, well...he's just being hard on himself, and besides he's different now.  Paul was right.  He was the worst.  So am I.  So are you, as we all are.  Because a sin, one sin, (no matter what it is) is enough to keep you from Heaven.

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  -John 8:7 (NIV)

My son is eight years old now, but has been talking about baptism for most of his verbal life.  We decided to postpone his baptism for different reasons at different stages in his young life.  My husband and I were both immersed when we were really young and didn't understand much about our decision or the commitment that we were making (not that we regret it) and we just didn't want him to feel the same later on.  One of our many discussions that my hyper inquisitive son has engaged us in, has been about what will his new life be like, as a Christian?  Talking about the Christian life and us becoming a "new creation", helped to learn a lot about the misconceptions that can arise from what is observed at church, and what is written in the Bible.  For instance:  The idea that after your baptism, you will be made perfect and will never sin again.  Well, although this seems obvious to the rest of us adults (hopefully) that this is NOT true, we do see some evidence of people with in the church that still believe that God more than wants us to be perfect, he expects it.  And for those that do not reach this ideal of "Christian living", the road is narrow at best.  For the grace of God can only extend, but so far before it gives up on you.   ---This is not true.  If you think that you are better than your brother and that you are without sin (even a recent wrong done), think again.  Either we are saved by Grace or we are saved by our right living (perfection), it can not be both.  Grace doesn't leave room for both explanations.

Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men^[a] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. ¹¹ And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 
-1 Corinthians 6:9 (NIV)

Every time you avoid a bum on the street, who's begging for change, and you say " Sorry, I don't have any" as you shove your hands in your pockets and walk away, perhaps feeling the clink of a couple quarters and/or crinkle of a few dollars and that you could have done without.  -That's a sin.
Every time you give away a secret that a friend confided in you, or some juicy gossip that you heard, in the name of  a "prayer request" and request it to all your friends that are on your cell phone list, it's a sin.
Perhaps your sin is in your debt to a company that you owe, and you've been trying to tell them you can't pay right now, but they won't take "No" for an answer- so you make a promise to call back, knowing that you actually have no intention to do so.
And the list goes on from there....
I know these sins seem minuscule.  I know I appear to be knit-picking or looking for loop-holes, but what I'm trying to establish is the framework for grace.  Some of us, Christians, have forgotten that we still need grace.  We have not been saved by our good deeds, and just because we are "saved" doesn't mean we're perfect.  So if, we are saved and not perfect, and all sin is sin and keeps us from God without the sacrifice of Christ- and "gays" are  still gay and Christian, then couldn't we believe that they could be "saved" as well?

I used to smirk at the term "Gay-Christian", or hearing that someone is a Christian, believes and worships God, and yet claims to be gay - I just found something funny about that.  It seemed artificial, like a made up religion.  Oh sure, they worship Jesus, but it can't be the Jesus of the Bible, because what they are doing is wrong - and they're justifying it.  Justifying...yep, that seems to be something common to all of us.  I guess you could say that "justifying" could keep us from grace.  It keeps us from forgiving, and it can keep us from feeling our need for God.  SO is that what I'm doing here?  On behalf of all gay Christians everywhere, am I justifying their sinful behavior?  No, certainly not.  But I am convinced that it is possible to worship the same Jesus, the same God, and find yourself repenting of sin in your life, all while still "justifying" a sin that you are unwilling or perhaps unready to give up.  Because any kind of growth is a process, even Christian growth through the Spirit.  But we can rest at ease with the knowledge of God's perfect timing for each of our lives.  He knows what's wrong and He knows just when we are ready to be approached to fix it.

It's hard to admit to myself, but I was this way once.  I didn't have all the double-talk and Biblical misunderstandings to back myself up on - in fact, I knew that homosexuality (meaning romantic relations with the same sex) was wrong, but that knowledge didn't stop my mind from wandering.  I know I've stated it here before, but for those who don't know me, I grew up Christian.  I was indoctrinated and a sold out believer from the very beginnings of my life.  I was baptised at the age seven and again at fifteen because I was afraid that I made that decision for the wrong reasons ( or rather I didn't understand) the first time.  I wanted to be sure.  But it wasn't until college that I started to be honest with myself and more importantly with God about my problem.  This is strange to think about because I can still remember exact instances when I was sitting in church (trying to concentrate on the sermon) praying that a girl in my youth group loved me too.  (I had a crush -pretty bad).  How delusional was I, to believe that that would be acceptable to pray about.  But God and I were close, I told him everything - I shared everything that was in my heart or on my mind.  ....But I just refused to consider that I was doing anything wrong.  My youth minister prompted the utmost respect for God and reaching for holiness in our lives, and my heart hung on every syllable, every word.  The Bible convicted me time and time again of my sin, and I would repent and ask God to forgive, but I wouldn't touch that part of my life.  I kept it close, but I kept hidden.

I know God cares about even the hidden sin that it is in our lives.  He wants us to be free, not shackled and bogged down by worldly desires and things that would damage our body and/ or mind.  God doesn't make up these rules to keep us controlled, anymore than a parent would tell their child not to stand on a chair -just to be controlling to them.  It's about safety.  It's about freedom, and it's about love.

God is love.
I hear that alot from the other side( the "gay-Christian" side).  And it would normally make me smirk, but not anymore.  I think they may have things confused in their lives, but they got that one spot on.  He is love, and that love is what draws us all to Him.  And it should be what teaches us all how to be like Christ to each other, to be a "Christian".  And if there is an answer to be had here: it is that.  Love.

. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17This is my command: Love each other.   -John15 (NIV)

Update

Hi. I just wanted say that, I am indeed working on something to post.  It's taken me some time longer than I first anticipated.  I want to make sure I cross all my "t's" and such.  I feel as if I can't afford to get in the way on this.  Lots of praying, reading, and thinking (along with typing) in the works.
 So don't give up!
 It will be here soon.

Questions

So are you ready for this?
I normally like to start out slow and tell a story or something then build on from there, but today I'm just not feeling it.
There are some things that have been bugging me, and I want to ask you all some questions.  Christian/Believer or not, I would like you to think about this one.

What does it mean to be "Gay"?


If your friend, brother, sister, daughter, or son came to you and said, "I'm gay."  What would that mean to you?  Would you automatically assume that they were a "homosexual" and destined for hell, if they did not quickly change their ways?  Would you feel an urgency to save them from their predicted destination and destruction?  I don't really want to know what you would do....I want to know, what would you think?  Because your thoughts will in turn shape your actions.

Perspective.  You'll notice that I changed the picture on the page.  I know it's just a play with mirrors and kind of lame, actually - yet it speaks volumes about this very subject.

I follow Jamie on Facebook.  Jamie is a Christian and he says that he's "gay".  (I keep putting that into quotations for a reason.  His definition, and yours might NOT mean the same.)  Jamie and I are not friends, in fact, I have no idea who he is except what I learn from him on Facebook.  I'm not even sure how we met.   What I do remember is why I "friended" him on Facebook.  He was inspiring.  He spoke much about what God was doing in his life and very little about being "gay" or the fight for gay rights.  And I found his overflowing joy for the Lord to be refreshing.  His simple little updates would inspire me to look at my day through the 'Love of the Lord' lens - to think less of myself and my own simple desires not being met, and to focus more on what God would want me to see, do, or think.

Yes, folks, you heard me right:  A 'gay" Christian has made me more focused and joyful for Christ.
Now how can that be? ....

It's hard to know where to start on this.  I try to be a peacemaker when it comes to this subject for probably more personal reasons than I would care to admit.  But I have to face it, I can be just as judgemental as the next guy.

Judging people isn't wrong, as some people would have you believe- no, not even according to the Bible.  The scripture that is quoted the most for this is Matt 7 :1-3 the King James version which simply says, "Judge not, that ye be not judged."  Although we typically hear the verse morphed into "Judge not, lest you be judged." And we walk away from that saying, "Yep, that's what it says: Do not judge others or God will judge you (condemn you, basically is what were thinking).   It's a good warning to remember, true- however, let's not take away from it that there is no such thing as righteous judgement, or we can't judge at all.  This is not a rule and the Bible doesn't say, "Don't judge." as if making any kind of pat statement on anything is a sin.  It is a caution, a warning.  That if you are going to make a judgement about someone, saying "This is wrong; you need to change."  then you are held accountable to that same criteria.  This is coming from the God that looks into and judges the hearts of men, so we shouldn't take it lightly, but if anyone says to you, "You are a Christian, so you can't judge me." they are mistaken.  Is a woman having intimate relations with another woman wrong, yes.  The Bible says it is (and vice versa with a man).  But does this entitle us (Christians) to put a finger in their face saying, "Repent of your wickedness."?  Yes?   How sure are you of this.....?

Bullying is nothing new.  It's been going on since time began.  It's a shame that it starts with children, but not that surprising.  Because as kids we are primarily driven by our emotions, and we feel helpless and small.  We want to be bigger than we are.  That's why kids like to play dress up and role play/pretend.  Bullying is about power.  Someone small wanting to make themselves bigger.  So why am I talking about this?   Maybe it's because I was bullied as a child.  Maybe it's because of how it relates to "Gays" being bullied in school and in the work place.  Or maybe it's just another perspective that we fail to understand, so we think them inferior to us, like we are so far above what they've done.

Honestly, I feel torn when I hear about the movements and organizations that have been established to educate and prevent "Gays" being bullied in school.  On one hand, I'm supportive of these new actions.  Bullying of any kind is damaging, and needs to stop, but they like to tweak the "stopping" with a little bit of applauding.  Just like everyone else they want to push their own agenda.   This causes me to walk away with-holding my support, yet I walk away from these reports asking, "Where is the church?".  We complain that they are teaching our kids wrong values and confusing the issues, but I don't see us in there defending anyone against the ridicule and pain that comes with being a kid and confused about who you are or where you fit.  Someone will find them and show them love (if it's not too late).  Will it be us?

Things are changing.  Our schools are speaking up about "Gay" rights and equality.  Two teenage boys might even be acceptably holding hands in the hallway of their school without fear.  You can't turn on the TV or go to see a PG-13 movie without some reference to someone who is "Gay" "Bi" or other.   I feel the push to accept this as normal, as I'm sure you do too.  No Christian wants to give up their values, their morality of their country or their family without a fight!  I'm not belittling that at all.  We are willing to stand up and fight for what we believe saying, "This is wrong!   And I will not be forced to say it's alright!"  I understand.   And as we feel pushed, we want to push back.  How do we "push" back in a Christian way?

(answer: next post/ don't worry, you won't have to wait a month for this one.)   

Satan's Shackles

Yes, it's true.  I'm behind again posting this month (or last month - I lost track somewhere).  I had started and almost finished another post on a completely different subject.  But for now, I think I will leave it on the back burner for awhile longer.  Not because I don't think the subject is worth while, but because there's just something else more pressing that has been pulling at me lately.  Fear.

I know that I've written about this in the past, but fear has a way of reoccuring again and again; not unlike a bad dream (or chinese take-out).

Ever since the "rumor" issue sprung up, I've been tense about every little thing and what people might think about me, or how they might twist the mundane into something perverted.  Most of my fears center around simple things, like the expression on my face when I look at someone when there is some one nearby that "knows" about me, the things I talk about or the way that I gesture (I like to move my hands when I talk to people).  I even worry about what they are thinking when I talk to kids now, or help out with VBS (Vacation Bible School), or go to the ladies restroom.   And the wierd thing about it is, the "rumor" was snuffed out pretty quickly, and to my knowledge has had little, if any, repercussions on my life - other than this paranoia that I suffer from.
Recently, my family and I have decided to church shop ( I know, it's not a good term to use, "shop", but really that's what it is).  Our decision to leave the congregation that's held our membership for eight plus years was not an easy one, and had nothing to do with my little paranoid episodes about what happened almost a year ago.  I have been looking to go back to work now that both my children have enrolled in school, and realized that I have almost zero friends that live in my general area who I could call on if I needed a last minute sitter.  That realization morphed into something else that had been nagging at me for a long time, I need to get involved in my community.  That said, I would be lying if I told you that I didn't feel some sort of relief at the thought that I could be stepping away from these fears of impending ridicule and misunderstanding into a world of fear that is far more familiar to me - meeting new people.
The preacher at the local church we've been visiting lately, spoke about honor today.  He preached from 2 Samuel, emphasizing the relationship between David and King Saul.  His sermon was very interesting and note-worthy, but what struck me most was his candor. Nate has this manner of speaking that makes you feel like you're in his living room.  It's not that his sermon is given as improv. but that his approach and illustrations are not what you'd expect at church on Sunday morning  (and he likes to use slides to back them up).  One week, he even had a picture of a cool refreshing can of Bud Light up on the screen (I can just hear my parents gasp), and it wasn't to point out the danger of alcoholism.  I'm not trying to say I would applaud Nate for fitting a beer add or a picture referencing the movie Office Space into his sermon (although, that movie was awesome).  I admire his courage.  Nate obviously doesn't care about the critics out there.  He's preaching to the crowd that will listen to his message and not get hung up by the non-traditional style.  Now I know some people might say that he's still trying to be a crowd pleaser, just to a different crowd, but that's not the impression I get.  I think he's just being himself, and not letting conservatism and tradition get in the way of preaching the Word in real terms that encourages others to be real and not hide behind religious legalism either.  As I listened today from my seat way in the back, I realized just how crippling this fear of mine was becoming.  Nate's casual courage is an inspiration for me to try harder. I want to care less about what others may think about me or what meaning that might get placed to my random actions.
Fear has kept me from accomplishing so many things.  Fear kept me from finishing my college degree (while I was still considered a "traditional student").  Fear keeps me from writing my own resume'.  Fear tempts me to think that I might not be a good wife, a good mother or a good friend.  Fear tells me to not even try.
When I posted before about fear, I said that it was the devil trying to make me live in secret.  This new fear is the same, only now, he's trying to get me to live in shame and regret.  They are both strong shackles.  It feels like it would be easy to stop blogging on here, to stop sharing the hardships, and the many ways that God is bringing me through them.  Satan would whisper, "You are too busy to think about these things right now.  No one reads it anyway"  And I would go back my secret life living inside my secret fear, with assumption that somehow the events of my life would stun or devastate the hearts of my Christian brothers and sisters - if they only knew.  I would worry about all of this, instead of considering Christ and my service to Him.
I don't really care for Tom Cruise as a person.  I also don't care that he acted like a lunatic on the Oprah show.  But let's face it, he still manages to be in some really great films.  Many moons ago, he was in a film titled, "The Last Samurai", and if you haven't seen it, I encourage you to do so.  At one point in the movie Cruise is living in the Samurai's camp, and while engaging in a sparing match with one of the warriors -of which he is failing miserably - he is given some advice.  A village teen tells him simply,"Too many mind".  The meaning behind this is easy to understand.  We all spend so much of our day consumed by our "to-do" list, our jobs, our entertainment, our finances, our relationships, or sometimes just thoughts about what's happened in our past.  Where ... ?  Where is God in all this?   Where does He fit?
I think when the author of Hebrews says,"keep your eyes fixed"(Heb 12:2), he's saying the same thing as the young Samurai, "Too many mind".  If I am to accomplish anything, and to do it well, I need focus my thoughts.  You know I don't like to quote a lot of scripture when I write on here - I'm afraid of sounding too preachy (just another fear, I suppose).  But this ones a good one and I feel, very appropriate,  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."(Phil 4:13)    The phrase "through Christ" impIies that Christ acts as a conduit, meaning that if I want to have His strength to be more than what I am alone, I must connect with Him.  I know that Christians talk a lot about "connecting" with God, but I don't recall anyone mentioning that we should be connected and focused on Him in EVERY SINGLE THING we do.
I am to have only one mind - that is Christ -or I go crazy.  Those are my options.  At least it seems that way sometimes.  I've just got "too many mind".  I must connect with Jesus to channel my thoughts to be more Heaven centered - more kingdom centered, and less ME centered.  For when I put myself out of mind, and trust God to handle the pieces, fear loses.  The shackles are gone, and I am free to do the things I need to.

Starts With Me

"Honestly, I love you": A Family Topic

When it comes to relationships, I've heard it said that openness and honesty are the key to making it work.  However, in my own experience,  I've seen that this is not entirely true (which is a little ironic).   This is not to say that honesty isn't important.  No relationship can survive inside a web of lies.  But it's a fact that the more "open and honest" we are with each other about our thoughts or feelings, the worse our relationships become.

I was stuck in this mentality about "openness" when my husband and I were newly weds.  Those first few months were the hardest of our entire lives, and I still fear sometimes that the heartstrings that were ripped have never completely recovered.  What should have been our blissful honeymoon time together became a nightmare of confusion.  I blame myself for much of this.

I can still see myself dropped to my knees by the side of the road, my eyes dried out from all the tears. I know that Drew is walking up beside me, but I don't want him there right now.  I can't find the answers with him, but he's all I got.  I'm miles away from my family, and my other friends have all moved on.  I don't know what's going on with me, but I know that it's been eating at me for a long time.  Drew is rightfully confused by my anguish.  He wants to help, and I keep pushing him away.  "I'm scared", I finally blurt out.  "I think... I made a mistake."  While I am still looking for answers I say, "I lied to you.  I lied to myself.  I was in a lot of pain because of Ben, and I think I just tried to force this to make the pain go away.  I lied and I'm sorry.  I'm not in love with you."

So much of what was said was just out of fear and personal frustration, but I chose to vocalize it in front of him.  (Not a good idea.)  I know that he is my husband and I should feel free to show that kind of vulnerability in front of him, but what I was doing was bringing him into my own confusion.   Under emotional distress, I would present my thoughts and feelings about our relationship as facts when in reality they were just me thinking out loud.  And although these "talks" would eventually bring a resolution, my husband should not have become both the mediator and the punching bag for my emotions.

Many of us don't like to bring in an outside party to these troubling events in our lives.  We want to "keep it in the family".  We don't want to bring shame to our family name.  It's pride and fear that stand in the way. We would rather keep things the way they are - a total mess - than to give up our family "secrets". I know this all to well.   I lived it out as a child.

I had a friend from my youth group at church who was there for me when ever I needed someone to talk to.  Jayme was someone that I finally let inside my world.  She was the one I would call upon when things got "ugly" at home.  Although, she didn't know it, but my only expectation of her was just to be there, to listen.  I needed someone on the outside to remind me that I wasn't the problem; that I wasn't the cause of everything that went bad.  One evening, when my dad was looking for his "punching bag", I gave Jayme a call.  When she picked up I was hysterical with tears.  I don't even remember the specifics of what my dad had done that day, because to me, it was just another day.  But Jayme after talking to me and hearing my immediate pain, decided the best course of action was to get an authority figure involved.  Not that the thought hadn't ever occurred to me as well, but I had thought ahead to what the overall outcome would be, and figured that things would just get worse for me.  Then there would be no denying to everyone else in my family that I had caused the problem.  If I had told on my dad to the police or someone that you would think is there to help then I would breaking up our "happy" home.  I would be the divider.  I would be the traitor, the snitch.  Because this is our family, and family is supposed to have that super special bond, a bond that no "outsider" could ever fully understand.

We fight with our family like no other human being on earth.  We tell things, secret things, things that we would wish stay only on the inside.  We show off the ugly, the unbathed, the  unkept side of ourselves to our families.  And we do this not as a leap of faith, and certainly not because we love them the most and we wish only the best for them.  We do this because we are unable to keep up the artificial act, the one that we put on for everyone else.  The make-up has to come off sometime.  So because they (our loved ones) have already been exposed to the ugly, and they haven't left, we find acceptable.  And we might even say, "This is me.  Love it or leave it."  Of course, for those who are faced with the "Leave it" choice lived out, there is a reawakening of what is more important; me or them. Perhaps, we forget that it's not by contract or law or even blood that we should all be living together.  It's not sharing the same last name that makes us more special than the rest.  It's in the choices we make, to love, to stay, to see past the imperfections, to forgive.  I think we forget and we take for grant it that each individual in our home, makes these same choices everyday of their life with us.  And I could go on talking for hours about how we are all so self absorbed (some of us to the point of sociopathic tendencies, no sympathy left for anyone else but our self), but I think the solution is found in the choice.

The "choice" gives us hope.
I can't change my circumstances of a bad morning.  I can't choose who my parents are, or make my husband be every way I want him to.  But their actions do not leave me helpless.  I have a choice.
I can choose to love.  I can choose to not raise my voice in anger at my children, before I send them off to school.  I can choose to not let everything that comes to mind slip out of my mouth before I've had the chance to really (prayerfully) consider its necessity and timing.  I can choose to continue being who I've been before, or to be someone different.
 Yes, there are variables involved.  There are other people in my world that will have an influence in my behavior.  Yes, I may sometimes fall into the same pattern as before.  But I still have the power of  choice. God can help to make that choice a good one, if I let him -but it is mine.  I don't have to allow those past choices and regret be the end of my story.   I have a choice for that too.
 In recovery groups they have a saying that I like to hold onto and remember, "Live one day at a time."  
I think that's what it takes to make our family into something we don't have to hide behind closed doors.  We start with ourselves.  Living in a way that makes us proud of who we are that day, and not filled with regret.  It won't always be easy, and just like any good habit, it will take practice to form.  But the situation is not hopeless, and I think that's reason to rejoice.  Amen? Yes, there is hope for our families!  And it starts with us.

A Family Topic

After taking a poll of what kind of topics my readers would like for me to talk about, I realize that the most popular question is about my family- my current family.  Although many of them wrote back to me wanting to hear about cutesy-wootsy things that my kids are doing (this ain't that kind of blog, folks) I realized that they do, in fact, bring up a very good topic: What goes on behind the closed doors of my house?
There is all the things that you don't see on that drive right before we open up those doors to the church or school or the grocery store. We all know that we hide the "ugly" family interactions from the rest of our world, but my question is, "What makes us care more about outsiders than we care about each other?  And why is there so much "ugly" to hide?"  After all, these are the people that we claim to love the most.

It is still easy for me to recall those moments of shame and heartache that went on within what used to be, my immediate family. We prayed together.  We read the Bible together, every evening before bed.  And we treated each other worse than we had treated anyone else EVER.  But it's easy for me to discard those memories as dysfunctional and not the normal behavior of a rational family because we had some other issues that were deemed unacceptable by even The Law's standards.  So now what do I say about this new family that I've helped create?  Why is it that I can honestly attest that I have never been as hateful and angry with another human being (not even my own father who was so hateful to me) as I have been with my very own husband - my soul mate, my best friend?

Am I damaged?  Am I just another statistic doomed to repeat the hurt to someone close the way my family hurt me?   Or am I just married to the wrong person?  Should I just keep looking for that someone who makes me feel happy and loved all the time?   I don't think so.
Don't get me wrong, I am aware of that possibility but I think that this is more common than just repetition of generations.  And happiness is fleeting just like every other emotion.  Even anger cannot last forever.

I've heard it said that if two best friends spend the entire weekend together, they will hate each other by the time it is over.  It is possible that when we spend enough time with another human being we our bound to slip up and show off our ugly side.
Still I can't get over this nagging feeling that if we care so much and if we are aware of what is at stake (our relationship/ their feeling of self worth/ and Love being lived out and felt from both sides)   we would not treat each other so carelessly.
We would care for our new car or our expensive furniture.  Heck, sometimes we baby "our babies" (meaning, our hobbies) more than we baby our own kids.  So should I sum up the answer to this question by simply saying, "We are all selfish."?    Well that is certainly a true statement and something to consider, but how do I apply that to people that we claim to love more than stuff?
As you can tell, I am asking a lot of questions and finding very little in the answer category. I believe we need more than an answer.  We need a solution. 

Take my typical morning routine for example:
I wake up.  I try to get my kids to wake up.  I try to do this without raising my voice, because I know how yelling can quickly escalate into a bad mood.  I prepare their clothes and get their breakfast ready.  I tell them to get dressed while I am finishing up my own routine.  And because they are forgetful and stubborn at ages 6 and 8, I must remind them of every detail of what "getting dressed" means.  I say, "Put your socks on, your shirt on, your pants, and don't forget to change your underwear"  every morning.
After breakfast is over, I tell them to quickly go brush their teeth and comb their hair.  I also prepare my son's lunch while they our doing what they should in the bathroom.  Then, if everything else goes according to my "brilliant" morning plan, we have just enough time for me to call to them (in a pleasant voice) to come get their coats and shoes on and to head out the door.  Everyone smiling as we drive away....
But no.  A lot of the times, that end result does not happen.  Why?  Because someone threw a monkey wrench in my routine and now I am off track and running late.  This is the unknown variable, which could range from:  my son or daughter playing with their toys instead of getting breakfast;  or maybe it's a fight about which shoes my daughter should wear to school that day; or it could be a sock is missing "suddenly" from the pair of socks that  I just handed over to my son.  Or maybe it's something that I'm not involved in at all, but it's something that I get pulled into; a fight in the bathroom broke out over the toothpaste or if we happen to make it all the way to the driveway without a fight, there's probably something that was left behind my car that I am about to back over that my children were told previously to put away.
Now, do I have an anger problem because I get upset about these things?
No.  Well okay, maybe I could work on controlling what happens next a little better, and that, in fact,  is where the problem lies.
 If these were someone else's kids, and I was going through the same exact hectic morning routine with them, then why would I not raise my voice to the "outsiders" like I do to my own kids. - Kids, whom I,  in all honesty, would rush over to save first if there was an emergency?  This is my problem, and I don't understand it.  If our morning goes awful and I send my child to school with tear streaked cheeks, than I am suffering the rest of the day with that guilt -sometimes longer.  When my family is involved, I am literally capable of the most love and equally the greatest hate, in word and deed.  I can become a real monster, and I know it, but I don't always know what I can do to stop it. 


(This will be a two parter.  Check back later for me to wrap it up. )

Disclaimer:  I do not abuse my children.  This is not a confession of any
 unlawful wrongdoing.

Two things God tells you: He is strong, and He loves you.

My Better Half (part 2)

I'm not as bad as I think. 
Just ask my husband.  He tells me all the time how attractive I am to him, but at least once a day I look in the mirror and see something ugly.  I see someone who needs work (lots of work).  Someone who is a million miles from perfection - something that, on my superficial surface I consider reachable and even covet in other people that I meet.  Can you see it? Even now, I have trouble talking about the good in me without considering the negative.
This constant self ridicule even bleeds into my relationship with God.  I have no problem with the verse found in Philippians 2, where it tells me to "consider others better than yourself."  But as they say, the person with the lowest self esteem is likely the most selfish - so I am likely missing the meaning of the word "humility" there. 
I had a friend named Dee Dee in college.  She had a very unusual personality -At least, so I thought when I first met her.  Dee Dee came prancing (literally) through the dorm hallways passing out wildflowers that she had just picked to anyone and everyone she could see.  I thought some of the things she did and how cheerful she was a bit over the top.  But that was just the melancholy me, the better part of me thought she was fantastic (like sunshine on a cloudy day)!  No one in the room could escape her contagious laughter, and the way she always could find something to smile about was truly an amazing feat to me.  Dee Dee was a God send to our dorm, there was no doubt about it.  She made us look at life, look at the world, and see something innocent and beautiful again.  And I was thankful that we were friends. 
Somewhere down the line of people she met that year on campus, that cheerfulness, that beautiful light, would soon be snuffed out.  A guy friend that had meant more than "friend" to her had made her feel like less than perfect.  He had told her that she laughed too loud or too often or perhaps had just pointed out just how different she was to the rest of civilized society and it was about time for her to "grow up".  I saw a change in her, and I felt in me as well.  Someone had crushed my friend's spirit and in the process had robbed us all of her contagious joy.  Dee Dee seemed to feel even worse at night.  She started talking very negatively about herself.  This new Dee Dee was shocking to me.  I'd never seen her so depressed.  I didn't think it was possible.  Dee Dee had those down times like me?  When she would talk with me, she would make herself sound like the absolute worst of the worst, saying things like, "How could God love someone like me?"  Dee Dee so perfect, so special, so innocent, and devoted to God and school; she is asking this too??  How can that be?
Do we all just assume that human opinion and God's are interchangeable?  Or are the people around us just more real to us than Him and thus more valuable?

As a new and improved blogging me, I hope to be less of a Debbie Downer and more upbeat and real.  I want my readers to know through my writing  that indeed hope is not lost.  We all go through trials and not one of us is the image of perfection.  I, just like Dee Dee, have more than just one side that everyone sees, and that means I'm complex, not devious and hidden.  I am more than my struggles.  I am more than my jokes (thank God).  I am not the worst of the worst, but I am a sinner.  And I am encouraged by that because my God has a habit of using people just, like, me.  Where I am weak He is strong.
(Philippians 4:13) 

(I encourage you to watch the movie "Machine Gun Preacher" or if you do not want all the four letter words and violence, you can google it and read about the real man behind the movie.  I know the guy's not perfect, and you might not agree with every judgement call he makes, but to me it's just another amazing story of how God takes the "riff raff" of this world and puts them to work for His kingdom.  I don't know about you, but I find that to be very encouraging.)
 

My Better Half

Shock and Awe
   -If you want people to pay attention, you have to be willing to pay the price.  Just look at Lady Gaga or Katy Perry. Something tells me they don't dress the same when they're lounging in their living room. Many people are certainly not what they seem, and as paranoid as that sounds it's true. We are more than meets the eye. Don't judge a book by its cover...and all those other tired cliches.

As you may have noticed, I have not written anything on here in months.  Not since the "rumor" (which was never really much of a bushfire to put out), nevertheless it made me go "huh?".  Am I really as bad as I make myself sound?
Ok, I get it, sin is sin.  Are my thoughts running away from me to another life with someone other than my husband sinful? - Yes.  Was my moment of ecstasy (I say that sarcastically)  in the arms of a male entertainer a big "Whoops!" -Definitely.   And it was always my worst fear that Christian parents would shield their children from me if they ever new my inner "gay" struggles, but I never fathomed that it would be because of a sexual issue (i.e. pedophile).  Wow!  You can believe that took me back a few steps.  I needed to seriously reevaluate how I presented myself.

In my effort to relate to my fellow Christian college alumni who have chosen the "alternative lifestyle", I wanted to show all my darkness.  I wanted it to be widely known just to what extremes that I was willing to go to save my friends from possibly the biggest mistake of their life.  (Feel free to quote me on that.)   It was my hope that they would read these posts and see how close my life seems to theirs.  We could journey to find the answers together...Answer the unrelenting question, "Why are some people gay?" or more personally, "Why do I feel this way?" 

My favorite Christian author, Philip Yancey, uses this method when he writes.  He asks the hard questions that many of us self conscious people would never say aloud.  Questions like: Why would a loving God allow my child to die?  Or -Where is God when life sucks (my paraphrase)?
It is possible that he already has the answers to these tough questions before he sits down to write, but I like to think that he started out like the reader, asking.

When I sat down to form this blog, I had an idea to write about my life.  I would talk about everything I went through as a kid and progress till the way my life is now; showing along the way how God was there all along and I just needed to be real with Him and believe.  I thought I could change lives by letting them hear and relate to my own.  After all that is what a testimony is for. 
But as I sat down to type it all out, I realized that the questions were still there.  I had never found my answers to them in college.  I just stopped asking. 
My resolve was in the scriptures that I researched.  They never answered the "Why?" I couldn't love another woman like that, or  why I felt that I had been born different from other girls.  But I remembered the story of Job and all it's "Why?"s left unanswered.  Like why would God have such a casual meeting with the devil (I always imagined that they were having their discussion over tea and cookies - I guess I thought he was British or something) or How could God just kill off all of Job's children over some silly bet?  Where is their redeemer?  How did they get mixed up in this? Could we all just be some sort of collateral damage to someonelse's test of faith?  It sounds like the unsatisfying punchline of an extremely morbid joke. (...Did you hear the one about Job?)    But in the end, what does God say to Job?  He says,  (Who are you to question me?  I am the Creator of all things, just as I have the right to give, I have the right to take away.  I am in control of this - not you).  What God actually says is a series of questions for Job to answer, starting in Job 38. (Google it)   Job's response is almost speechlessness. 

"Then Job replied to the Lord:


2 “I know that you can do all things;

no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’

Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,

things too wonderful for me to know."  -NIV

My mom used to tell me, "Love it, or leave it."  Basically, she was telling me not to complain about it.  There was no point to it.  It's not like my protests would change anything.  I believe that is where Job's resolve was found.  God is God, and I am not.  I have to trust Him, what other option do I have?  -Love Him or Leave Him.  In college, those were my options.  I had to trust Him at his word, even though that meant that some of my questions would go unanswered.  He created the world.  He created me. He loved me even before I loved Him, and He's telling me, don't do this.  My choice is simple: either I trust Him with my life or I don't.
This blog pushed the tough subjects for me.  I wanted to ignore this part of my life, just leave it behind forever and not look back.  But something was bringing me back.  And after becoming reunited with some old friends, the "Why?" behind my struggles was coming into light. 

Lately I've been thinking I went too far.  I think cleaning out my closet was all for a good purpose, but to quote one of my close friends that confided in, "Oh Kayt, you are too hard on yourself."  I think she's right.
I have been honest about all the bad, but I leave out all the good in me.  That has always been a struggle for me, as I'm sure many of you can relate.
In my effort to remain humble, I think myself horrible.

(Stay tuned for Part 2)