Here's more

I hope I didn't forget to mention that I'm a recovering procrastinator.
Here's my TOP TEN reasons why I like to procrastinate:
1.


But anyway, I'm sorry that I missed my deadline. I'm not really sure if it matters all that much to anyone if I post it on time or not. But I know that it is good medicine for me to apologize as well as a good practice to get into reaching my goals that I have set for myself.

On with the story...

I left off talking about what the kids thought about me my 4th grade year right after we moved to a new state.
I can still remember excusing myself from class and walking into the restroom at school. And what I saw looking back at me through the mirror began to look more and more like the person they described me to be. I knew that I was a girl...I just wasn't so sure if I was supposed to be...Either way, the whole experience left me feeling out of place and weird to everyone around me. Things got a little better the next year. Not because of anything I said, but my parents moved to a new house which placed me at a different school with different kids. I still got the occasional question thrown at me, "Are you a boy, or a girl?" (I guess my long hair was not a dead give away) but it was nothing to the insults that were hurled at me everyday the year before. Stepping away for a minute from the school life. ...My home life was turning a very bad corner that only got worse over time.
Do you remember that traditional Christian home that I described to you before? Well, the word "good" was never used. It's not unusual for many of us after we have grown up to have our horror stories of all the awful things are parents did to us or our social life growing up. The embarrassments in front of our friends, the forced educational standards, the constant nagging to clean up our room etc... And my family had all those issues and more. My parents fought and the word "divorce" had been brought up in conversation many times. So in an effort to put an end to this they sought family counseling. (Which I would think "marital counseling" would be more efficient but that's just me.) ....

Bare with me, I'm gonna work my way back to this part in a minute.


Does a child know his left from his right if an adult who knows doesn't tell him so? What about dirt or water? Food or poison? What about concerning good OR bad? And what if the adult telling you what these things all mean ...lies?

I didn't know either that what my Daddy was saying about me was NOT true.

No, no, no. He didn't try to tell me I was boy and not a girl. He didn't call me a freak or a weirdo. But to him, I WAS the problem with his marriage and I WAS the problem with his control that he sought over his family. I was THE problem that must be STOPPED.

"Family counseling" makes more sense now, doesn't it?

And it all came out in those few sessions we had with a professional. I don't remember anything all that profound coming out of the counselor's mouth. However, I do remember what came forth from my Dad, my Mom, AND my older (and only) brother's mouth. When asked what the root of the trouble with my parents fighting all the time and what needed to be done in order to save their marriage, the finger was pointed right at me. You are gonna think this is soo ridiculous that I am making this bigger than what it is or making this up. I assure you, I wish I was. Everyone in my family began to tell the counselor that "IF only Kayt would do the dishes without being asked so many times OR if she would clean more around the house and DO her chores without complaining about it. Things would be better for our family and between her Mother and I." My whole family was in agreement and the outsider (professional) didn't interrupt with something different. I was a child no more than 11 yrs old by this time. What was I supposed to believe?

Concerning my Father....

(cont'd later tonight. This is not easy to write all in one sitting.)